Chapter Text
Soundchecks weren't supposed to be this awkward.
The buzz of the speakers echoed in Youngjae's ears as the first beat of their opening track started. Youngjae dragged his feet on the glass stage, being guided by one of the members—Hanjin. Hanjin's hands gripped on his left shoulder as they walked together to the center, aiming for the empty chair.
It was usually Dohoon who helped him in these scenarios.
Today, it was Hanjin.
It had started as something for the cameras. Somewhere between variety shows and encore stages, helping each other on and off stage had simply become a habit.
“Are you really okay?” Hanjin asked, with a concerning tone. Youngjae had been feeling muscle spasms in his right thigh due to their packed schedules. With a Japanese comeback in the event horizon and their concert today, it has been tiring. Unfortunately, their company insisted that he should participate.
Youngjae nodded in response. “Yeah, can't disappoint the Sais, right?” he joked, but Hanjin only giggled. Youngjae knew behind that giggle, there was deep concern.
Youngjae knew he could trust Hanjin.
Which is why he wished he didn't say anything to him.
“Stay here, I'll get Shinyu-hyung,” Hanjin exclaimed, leaving Youngjae alone with his thoughts. Youngjae swallowed his saliva, tapping his fingers on his thigh and holding his microphone with his other hand. He never admitted it, but he hated this silence. Even more now.
Jihoon and Dohoon walked together on the other side of the stage—they were loud, loud enough that Youngjae noticed them even before they came into the stage. Youngjae recognized Dohoon's laugh anywhere—strange how something familiar can feel uncanny as well, he thought.
Their stage manager quickly came in, letting Youngjae breathe a sigh of relief. “Youngjae, you can walk moderately, right? So that I could take into account what you can and can't do,” the manager asked, and Youngjae promptly nodded.
“I can still do some choreography to some extent,” he added, which the manager took note of.
The manager thought to himself, before turning around to face the staff. “Okay, let's run the opening one more time. No jumps for you, Youngjae. Everyone, formations!”
The members scattered across the stage without much thought. Years of rehearsals had made every movement instinctive. Youngjae adjusted the in-ear monitor hanging around his neck, eyes fixed on the tape marks on his feet.
A pair of sneakers stood beside him. He froze, unable to look at the eyes staring back at him. “Take it easy out there,” the voice said, giving Youngjae a bottle of water. Shinyu tapped Youngjae's shoulder as Youngjae breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks,” he said. It wasn't Dohoon, of course, it wasn't.
By the time the arena lights dimmed and the clock struck 6PM, the crowd erupted in cheers, chanting their name. The audience lit up their lightsticks and flashed onto the screen as the VCR echoed their introduction video. “Thirty seconds!” their stage manager counted them in.
“Okay, put your hands together,” Shinyu told the members. Everyone followed suit, and in that moment, Youngjae felt something he knew was wrong—Dohoon’s hand. Youngjae tried to pull away, but he couldn't. His thigh throbbed erratically, yet this moment hurt deeper. “TWS….FIGHTING!” Shinyu cheered, as they entered the stage.
20 minutes in, and it was a moment Youngjae dreaded the most. It was their highly-anticipated recent comeback, ‘You, You,’. Youngjae knew what would come, where Dohoon and his body would meet.
Yet he persisted. 20-year-old’s don't act like kids, not anymore, he thought.
As the song started, Dohoon focused his eyes on the crowd as the 5 of them danced in suit with him. Youngjae’s body twitched, his mind catching up to his body as he danced. Youngjae's heart was beating fast as he stood in front of Dohoon, yet no eyes locked onto him.
Supposedly, this move would require some tension—chemistry as what their choreographer said. It was synonymous to what a vampire would do. Youngjae would expose his neck, moving his head to the side and Dohoon would move his head towards it, as if to bite.
The move had become a fan-favorite weeks ago. Every performance, the cameras focused on Dohoon's face as he aimed and stared deeply on Youngjae's neck. Fans screamed, clips went viral. They'd joke that the choreographer deserved a raise for inventing that move for them. But, this time, none of that happened.
Dohoon's eyes never left the crowd.
__________________
The night started before they allowed it. Days of grueling practice sessions in preparation for their upcoming concert has led them to be exhausted. Youngjae felt a muscle spasm on his thigh a few days ago. After coming back from the doctor being carried by Dohoon, it was advised that he should limit his practice sessions so as to not strain his leg.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Kyungmin ushered them inside. Youngjae gave him a small smile before plopping onto the couch. Dohoon raised Youngjae's leg onto the cushions and sat on the carpeted floor along with the other members.
The manager had finally dismissed them after one last rehearsal. Their dorm was unusually lively for people who had just spent the last 10 hours dancing their hearts out.
Jihoon came back with Hanjin and Shinyu from their little convenience store trip. “Soju and beer are on sale!” Jihoon screamed in ecstasy which made the other members cover their ears.
“Yah! Just don't kiss the bathroom tub again if you get drunk,” Shinyu joked. Jihoon was playfully mad at him, punching and kicking the air right next to Shinyu which made the others laugh.
As they finished their dinner at 10PM, Kyungmin opened the first can of beer which made all of the other members turn their eyes to him. “Ah, Kyungmin-ah, you're becoming like Jihoon,” Dohoon jokes, which made Kyungmin laugh as well.
Youngjae grabbed his first beer but Hanjin caught him off guard. “You can't drink much. Painkillers, remember?” Hanjin sermoned but Youngjae only smiled. Dohoon noticed the scene.
“I promise, just one,” Youngjae crossed his heart. Hanjin rolled his eyes and jokingly said, “You said that last time, hyung,”
“I promise,” Youngjae eased Hanjin's mind. With much thought, he allowed him.
Groans erupted around the room, as Kyungmin was starting to get drunk. He suggested doing a pillow fight, grabbing a pillow and throwing it onto Hanjin. Dohoon caught it before it would undeniably also hit Youngjae's face. “Careful, Kyungmin-ah,” he said, with a laughing tone. Youngjae looked away before the smile on his face crept to show itself.
The hours slipped by unnoticed. Kyungmin had lost every drinking game, and Shinyu somehow won all of them. He was set to be the last person to have their makeup and hair done and Kyungmin be first. Jihoon insisted on karaoke despite not knowing the lyrics. Hanjin recorded him, lying that he was going to delete them in the morning.
Somewhere between another round of drinks and Jihoon’s painfully off-key and drunken rendition of a ballad, Kyungmin pointed at Dohoon and Youngjae.
“Hyungs! Reenact the You, You move, please,” he begged, rubbing his palms together. Immediately, the room erupted.
“Woo!”
“Do it!”
“Fanservice! Fanservice!”
Youngjae's face turned red and Dohoon covered his face with his hands. “Can you guys not?” Youngjae jokingly dismissed the request. “Why?” Jihoon pouted, “you do it everyday, anyway,”
Dohoon chuckled in his drink. “You guys are impossible,” he murmured under his breath. In a split second, Dohoon's gaze darted onto Youngjae, and Youngjae was one step ahead of him.
For a split second, neither of them moved. Then Jihoon started making loud kissing noises, then a pillow flew across the room. It was Kyungmin. Everyone dissolved in laughter. “Yah!” Kyungmin shouted, attacking and playfully fighting Jihoon.
The moment disappeared as quickly as it came, or at least, they pretended it did.
One by one, the living room emptied. Kyungmin laid widely on the wooden floor, with a beer in hand. Jihoon retreated into the bathroom. Shinyu joked that Jihoon would be sleeping in the bathtub tonight. Shinyu retreated as well back to his and Youngjae's room, already burnt-out and in low energy.
Hanjin had started with his night skincare with a face mask on his face, watching a movie with Dohoon and Youngjae. He stretched, glanced at Youngjae's leg one last time, and smiled. “I’m going to go to bed, don't stay up late,” Hanjin told both of them. They both nodded in response.
Hanjin lifted Kyungmin up from the floor, which made both Dohoon and Youngjae giggle. Hanjin wasn't particularly athletic and it was funny seeing him struggle lifting Kyungmin up. “Hanjin-ah! Just leave me here,” Hanjin persisted and dragged him back into their room, leaving the can of beer behind.
“Goodnight!” Hanjin shouted before shutting the door.
The apartment settled into silence—only the television echoed the last dialogues of the movie Dohoon and Youngjae were watching. Dohoon sat cross-legged on the floor, absentmindedly opening an unopened can between his fingers. Youngjae was focusing on the movie, rubbing his aching leg.
“They’re going to clip the performance again,” Dohoon broke the silence. Youngjae turned his head to him. “Hmm?” “You know, the move,” Dohoon explained. Youngjae nodded, knowing about the fanservice. “They clip everything,” he joked. “Yeah,”
Another silence.
“Do you…ever get tired of it?” Dohoon asked. Youngjae frowned, asking, “the fanservice?” Dohoon nodded in response. “Not only the cameras,” Youngjae tilted his head in confusion.
“I mean…” Dohoon was rethinking his words. “...Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm doing something because people want me to…”
“...Or because I actually want to,” Youngjae's breath caught, looking back at Dohoon. “I’ve been thinking the same thing,” he replied.
Another silence, this time, louder.
Outside, headlights traced the quiet behind their words. Inside, tension filled the room. You couldn't hear Jihoon's groans in the bathroom. You couldn't hear Hanjin’s humidifier in their room. You couldn't hear Youngjae's heart beating off his chest.
Youngjae laughed under his breath. “I think we've gotten too good at pretending,”
“You think so?”
Dohoon asked it so softly that Youngjae almost thought he imagined it. Their eyes met—this time, there weren't any cameras, no choreographer telling them the move, no fans screaming whenever they stood too close.
It was just them.
The distance between them never felt so small, yet impossible to cross. Dohoon moved first: slow, careful, intentional. He waited for Youngjae to stop him.
He never did.
______________________
“Youngjae-ah!”
His name reached him through the in-ear monitor. He looked up just in time to catch the next count, narrowly avoiding a step he'd rehearsed hundreds of times. He couldn't afford to disappear right now.
As he couldn't do much choreography in the concert, he walked around with Hanjin in hand. Hanjin also sprained his thigh a few weeks before but it was only a minor injury and has since been healing since then, so Hanjin knew what Youngjae's going through.
As they walked, walking down to the crowd and doing some fanservice for them as well, Youngjae could only sing his parts for brief moments. The members were enjoying how the crowd cheered for each of their names, waving their lightsticks around.
The rest of the setlist blurred together. Youngjae smiled when he was supposed to smile, waved when he was supposed to wave, spoke when it was time to speak. The fans never noticed that behind his soft eyes, they were only looking for Dohoon without meaning to.
It was only one song until the ending ment, which means one step closer to the end of the concert. One moment closer for this to end, Youngjae thought.
Their stylist rushed forward during the VCR break as the members started convening behind the curtain. Dohoon still hasn't been in the same space with Youngjae since the day started, and that tugged strings on Youngjae's heart. But Youngjae knew better, he knew he needed to give Dohoon space. So he did what he had to—he avoided him as well.
Their stylists replaced their in-ear monitors, retouched their makeup, fixing their collars. Someone handed Youngjae a bottle of water. He accepted it absentmindedly, his eyes drifting toward the next song on the setlist.
Back to Strangers.
Shit.
His chest tightened. He knew this song would come in the setlist, he didn't realize it would be this soon. He hated that title, not because it was a bad song, but because he knew where it came from.
Months before the concert was even conceptualized, before You, You, before everything became too real, he'd found himself sitting beside Hanjin long after everyone else had gone to sleep.
In their empty living room, as Hanjin was making his morning fruit smoothie, as Youngjae was battling insomnia, Hanjin asked, “Hyung…do you like Dohoon-hyung?”
Youngjae laughed. “I don't know,”
“...that's the problem, Hanjin-ah,”
When their tracklist was revealed for them, Youngjae would catch himself focusing on one song in particular: Back to Strangers—written by Hanjin, Jihoon.
Youngjae looked at the lyrics, read the first verses, and realized it sounded eerily similar. Too similar, in fact, that he knew Hanjin didn't invent them, he said them.
Yet, he didn't have the courage to say that it was wrong. No. He thought it was right. At least he gets to sing what he couldn't say to the person this song was about. It was better this way—he wouldn't find out these words were his.
He never once wondered why Jihoon's name was beside Hanjin's in the songwriting credits.
The track started to play as the members started coming back to the stage. Shinyu and Youngjae started the song, walking around the stage and waving to the crowd.
“... I'll give you my name again and learn how to approach you,” Youngjae sang as he walked, being held only in Shinyu's arms.
As the choreography shifted, Shinyu let go. Youngjae turned on instinct, and the world seemed to forget how to move. Dohoon was standing a few feet away, his hand outstretched and his microphone close to his lips. He was waiting. Youngjae stared at it.
All day, Dohoon looked everywhere but him. At the audience, at the cameras, at the floor, anywhere but his eyes. Now there was nowhere else he was looking.
“...All the most precious words and every moment,” Dohoon sang, his voice steady despite his fingers trembling imperceptibly, “I gather them all and give them to you,”
_________
Youngjae felt Dohoon's lips onto him. Warm, hungry, like there was pent-up tension between each movement of the kiss. Neither of them want to let go, yet they knew this was wrong. Not one of them could process what was happening.
Dohoon continued, grabbing Youngjae's head and pulling it closer to him. He seemed hungrier, Youngjae thought, like this was his last meal on Earth.
He let go first, wiping his lips with his right hand. “Youngjae-ah!” The sudden burst of Shinyu into the living room made Dohoon separate from Youngjae instantly. “Let me get you to bed,” he said, offering his hand. Youngjae accepted Shinyu's hand, limping while his arm was around Shinyu's shoulder.
Youngjae looked back at Dohoon, biting his lip and his fist tense on his beer. He was taking the remote and turning the TV off, aiming to clean up alone. “Goodnight, Dohoon,” Shinyu murmured and Dohoon gave a thumbs-up.
__________________
The roar of twenty thousand voices crashed back into Youngjae's ears. His fingers were still hovering in the air. Dohoon's hand was still waiting for him. Youngjae was living both past and present in one second. Yet, this time, music came first.
“If destiny once again wants an answer, even then, I'll choose us,”
Youngjae couldn't tell whether the lyric came from the speakers or from the memory still echoing in his head.
His injured leg protested as he stepped forward. He took one step, then another, and then another, until eventually his hand found Dohoon's. The choreography gave them only a heartbeat together before they were meant to separate again.
Their fingers brushed, neither of them let go immediately. Then, as if remembering where they were, they did.
As the concert died down, the encore had ended in a blur, it was time to say goodbye. Dohoon has now come back to finding Youngjae's eyes again, yet Youngjae is unable to bring himself right now.
As the members line up, Dohoon takes Jihoon's hand on his left yet Youngjae never takes his on the right. Instead, it has been left open, empty. Shinyu took Youngjae's hand and they bowed in sync
“Thank you for coming!” Shinyu shouts, waving everyone goodbye. The audience saw six idols thanking their fans after another successful concert. Youngjae saw the first goodbye they had ever meant.
Tomorrow, there will be another stage.
Another rehearsal
Another choreography putting both of them together.
They'll pretend nothing changed.
They're professionals.
They could define this another time.
Just…not today.