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There was something to be said for waking up beside the person who made you feel the most grounded.
There was also something to be said for sleeping beside someone in a small dorm bed.
Warmth completely surrounded Neil down from his chest to his legs. He could feel the sunlight streaming through the window behind his closed eyelids, the weight next to him a solid presence.
Slowly without moving, he opened his eyes to the sight of Andrew asleep, face not too far from his own. Lips quirking, Neil remembered why they were in bed in the middle of the day in the first place.
With Neil waking up gasping for air the past few nights and in subsequence, waking up Andrew in the next bed over – Neil refused to sleep in the same bed as Andrew when he woke up thrashing in the darkness – Neil’s days were hazy at best and Andrew wasn’t much better. Simply put, they were exhausted. So when Neil had the rest of the day off after his morning class until practice in the evening, Andrew had given him a look as he gestured to follow and lead the way to their dorms.
Neil was hesitant when Andrew followed him onto his bed instead of moving to his own. Even though they had gradually started getting used to the extra weight of each other in bed and even though it was daytime with light streaming through the window, he was still wary of the risk of waking up violently with Andrew beside him.
‘Yes or no, Neil? Andrew asked as he knelt on the bed, body further away than Neil liked. He knew if he said no then Andrew would back off. The thing was – he didn’t want to say no. He also knew that Andrew was aware of his own limitations and he trusted him enough to draw them when needed.
Neil tiredly nodded his assent, as he gestured for Andrew to come closer but Andrew stayed out of reach as he waited. As soon as Neil held a hand out, with the words ‘yes’ on his tongue, only then did Andrew settle next to him as he burrowed his face into his pillow, drifting off.
Looking at Andrew, Neil felt something warm unfurl inside his chest.
Andrew was rested with his back against the wall, fingers curled into fists underneath his pillow, the heat of his leg beside Neil’s. Other than that, their bodies weren’t touching.
Gaze roaming over Andrew’s face, Neil thought of how rare a sight it was to catch Andrew asleep. Andrew would usually wake up before him, whether it be because of sudden movements or noise. Seeing Andrew this peaceful sent a sharp pang through Neil’s chest. He knew how far Andrew had come, he was here. Neil knew it was no use ruminating over things he couldn’t change. It didn’t mean it hurt any less to think about what Andrew had gone through.
Neil took a few more minutes to himself, just looking at Andrew, knowing as soon as he moved it would be over.
He was right.
As soon as he shifted slightly, leg beginning to turn numb from staying still too long, Andrew’s eyes flashed open with alarm before smoothing over blankly as soon as he registered that it was Neil beside him.
Neil knew not to take offence to Andrew’s immediate reaction to having someone beside him upon waking up. He knew that it took Andrew a long time to be comfortable with this and even though Neil would never say it to Andrew, he was proud of him.
“Morning,” Neil said, as he looked out to glance out the window, “Or should I say afternoon?”
Andrew stared at Neil, taking in Neil’s smile and flicking it when it grew larger at Andrew’s unresponsiveness.
“If you shut up, maybe I can fall the fuck back asleep.” Andrew finally replied, glaring at Neil from under his lashes as he burrowed his head further into his pillow.
Laughing, Neil knocked his knee against Andrews, tutting, “No, no, practice starts soon, if you fall back asleep it’s just gonna make it harder for you to wake up.”
Raising his head slightly, Andrew gave him a blank look, “Did I ask?”
Neil pushed his head closer to Andrew’s till they were sharing the same pillow, hands clasped underneath his head, propping his chin up as he watched Andrew; who had his eyes closed again.
Feeling Neil move closer, Andrew opened one eye to stare at him.
“Stop that.” Andrew demanded.
“What?” Neil asked curiously, raising a brow.
“You’re being annoying for someone who barely slept the past 3 nights.”
Pressing his lips together as he turned his face towards the ceiling, Neil felt his good mood evaporate at the reminder. He didn’t want to think about that, not now. Not with Andrew.
“What did he want?” Andrew questioned.
Andrew wanted to know why Ichirou Moriyama had paid Neil a little visit three days ago.
Sighing, Neil turned his head sideways back to Andrew’s, “Same old. Threats, warnings, intimidation…” he trailed off.
Eyes focused on his, Andrew vowed, “I won’t let him them touch you.”
Not having a response for that, Neil angled his head up and nudged his nose against Andrew’s as they locked eyes. Up close he could notice all the different shades and flecks of color that made up the warm hazel in Andrew’s eyes. Neil loved those eyes. Loved the way Andrew didn’t need to speak for Neil to know what he was saying, loved the way they hardened with determination during a game, loved the way they’d track his movements across a room; and especially loved the way they would connect with Neil’s own, wanting and burning and fierce.
“Kiss me.” Neil whispered, eyes locked with Andrew’s a bare few inches apart.
Lifting one hand from underneath his pillow, Andrew carded it through Neil’s hair, catching an absent curl as he brought Neil’s lips to meet his.
Neil’s lips parted underneath Andrew’s as he kissed back and sunk his head more comfortably into his pillow with Andrew’s hand cradling the side of his face.
Kissing Andrew felt like freedom. Felt like living. Felt like something he never wanted to lose.
Andrew’s hand caught in Neil’s hair and tightened slightly as he moved closer to Neil, tilting his head for better access which in turn caused Neil to hum in appreciation before pulling back minutely.
Neil lifted a hand and looked to Andrew, asking for permission and Andrew licked his lips, red and shiny from kissing, and nodded as he answered, “Just my hair.”
Neil felt warmth wash over him as he placed his hand in Andrew’s hair, soft and mussed from his pillow, and began to softly card his fingers through as Andrew’s eyes drifted shut. Neil thought how life couldn’t feel much better than it did in this very moment, even with the imminent threat of the remaining Moriyama over his head.
He’d take anything Andrew had to offer. The trust Andrew placed in him made Neil feel a whole range of emotions bundled up into one, which he tried to convey through his kisses, his touches, his actions. Neil knew words would never mean as much to Andrew after so many broken promises. Would never hold as much weight as actions and loyalty, and Neil, Neil would do anything to make sure he never broke that trust.
Lost in his own thoughts, Neil didn’t notice Andrew’s eyes had opened.
“Cut it out.” Andrew said.
Neil snapped out of his musing as he took in Andrew’s words and quickly made to pull his hand from Andrew’s hair but Andrew caught his wrist and held him there.
“No I mean- stop thinking so hard.” He demanded.
Relaxing, Neil rolled his eyes as he flopped onto his back, wrist still in Andrew’s hold.
Andrew’s eyes narrowed, but he let go of Neil’s wrist in favor of reaching up to cradle Neil’s face in his hands. Unblinkingly staring into Andrew’s eyes, Neil held his breathe as he felt fingertips lightly ghost over his cheeks, his scars, his old burns. Tracing up and down the ridges of burnt flesh and puckered skin, even two years after its creation; it was still an ugly thing. But Andrew made Neil forget all about his insecurity when he was this close.
Neil’s breathing hitched when Andrew’s fingers trekked their way down to his lips, thumb stroking across the jut of his bottom lip.
In the two years since Neil had come to Palmetto, his relationship with Andrew had ventured beyond kissing and fumbling under each other’s clothes. It took them a long time to even get to that stage, where Andrew would feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of Neil, and after being with him for this long, Neil was mindful that not every day was a good one for Andrew.
Neil captured Andrew’s hand with both of his own and turned his head to the side as he brought Andrew’s hands up to his lips, leaving a kiss on the inside of his thumb before resting it against his cheek.
“So you have a hand fetish now too?” Andrew surmised.
Neil’s eyes widened, taken aback.
Composing himself, Neil scoffed, “What do you mean by ‘too’?”
“Well,” – Andrew sounded almost teasing even while maintaining his disinterested expression, which made Neil feel just a little giddy inside – “There’s my neck for one.”
Rolling his eyes at the mention of Andrew’s neck, which he could never seem to let go after all these years, Neil declared, “You can pretend you have a problem with that, but I know that you like it. I like that you like it.”
Neil watched Andrew’s eyes darken by the time he finished speaking, glancing down at his lips in a way that made Neil feel smug.
Andrew’s eyes suddenly flashed up to Neil’s, catching his amused expression and wiping it off his face with a kiss so biting that if Neil wasn’t already lying down, well. Let’s just say it would’ve swept him off his feet.
Grinning into the kiss, Neil grabbed at Andrew’s shirt sleeve and carded his other hand through Andrew’s hair, twisting blonde hair between his fingers.
Breathing harshly, Andrew broke the kiss and bumped his forehead against Neil’s. As they stared at one another, Neil could see something brewing in Andrew’s eyes.
“I won’t let anyone hurt you. I promise.”
Neil closed his eyes.
“You hear me?” Andrew continued.
Opening his eyes to meet Andrew’s serious ones, Neil nodded in acknowledgment.
“I hear you.”
“Good,” Andrew concluded, “Now move your ass, don’t want to be late for practice do you?” He added derisively as he waited for Neil to get off the bed before he followed.
Once they were both standing up, Andrew pocketing his cigarettes while Neil grabbed their keys, Neil came to a stop in front of Andrew.
Andrew looked up searchingly as Neil gathered up his words. Eyes blanking as Neil spoke, but the hand on his wrist was warm and solid, telling him everything that was left unsaid.
“I won’t let anyone hurt you either.”