Chapter Text
June 30, 2026
Dear Diary: Today was a bit of a challenge, and not for the reasons you might imagine. I woke up at 4:45 and exercised until 5:00. Afterward, I went to the living room to study a new book because I had already finished the previous one. It's a strategy book by Botvinnik; it looks really good, but it was so cold that I left the heat on longer than I should have. Anyway, then my mom got up and made me breakfast. It was a hamburger and coffee. I was starving. I had promised myself I would eat it, that I would savor it. I was so hungry. I took the first bite, and it was delicious. I took the second, and it was even better, that meaty flavor merging with my mouth in a hypnotic way. It would be my breakfast for the day. But then I couldn't swallow it anymore. It had so many calories. It was bread, a hamburger, and condiments. I was going to gain weight. Every calorie counts. I look like a pig eating. I look so stupid doing it. I'm so embarrassed eating in front of people; it's like I'd change my clothes or take a shower. But at least I had to quell my hunger, so I chewed it. I chewed it for a while and then spat it out. If you only knew how much I wanted to swallow it, but I couldn't anymore. So I kept studying until 7:00 a.m. Afterward, I put on makeup, hid my dark circles—they looked pretty deep—and my eyes were a little bulging, they looked bigger than I remembered. I lost my eyeliner and, with it, part of my personality. I put on my jewelry and brushed my teeth, all to go to school. When I got to school, I was overcome with sleep. I couldn't stand for long, and when I wrote, my head twitched a lot, so I asked the teacher for a doctor's note for a headache. But without meaning to, I lost track of time and ended up sleeping for 40 minutes. When I got back to the classroom, I remembered I had homework for the next class. My friend had done it, but she couldn't give it to me. Luckily, class ended just before I checked the homework, even though I was freezing and the teacher was giving me strange looks. At recess, I bought myself an apple pie. It was delicious, so crisp and sweet, a real treat. It was still warm and soft and fit perfectly in my hand. But to say I ate it would be a lie. I ended up spitting it out in the bathroom. I'm alone, I can't do anything else. It's been weeks since I ate alone in the bathroom, locked in so no one would see my embarrassment. I'm so alone. I once read that nothing heals better than human contact. How I wish I had someone by my side. Nobody talks to me, or I hardly have any friends, maybe one, but she already has a group of friends to hang out with and I don't want to hurt her. When recess ended, it was time for my English class, but as soon as I walked in, the teacher asked me if I had been crying because my eyes looked swollen. My face looked strange; he must be crazy. Then it was history class. I don't remember exactly what the teacher said, only that I was a little speechless. My eyes were tired; I was so cold I could barely breathe. When class ended and I went out to recess, the teacher asked me if I was okay. I think I look fine; he probably said that because I wasn't wearing eyeliner. Maybe I was a little pale, but fine. When I went out to recess, I ordered my lunch. It was grilled chicken and a mandarin orange. The chicken was delicious, and with the potatoes, it was a wonderful meal. But, as always, it ended up anywhere but in my stomach, and once again, I was locked in the bathroom. When classes ended and it was time to go home, I felt a little suffocated on the bus; it was so hot.
When I got home, the trouble started. I looked at my calves, so strong, so thick. I stood for a while admiring their definition, but how I wished they were smaller. I wish my skin were tighter, that my only human contact was with my skin and bones. 58 kg is a lot, a 66 cm waist is too, and a 76 cm chest is even worse. It's like being a cow. It's probably because I'm so fat that nobody likes me, or maybe it's because I'm so fat that this happens to me. What does it matter? I binged: 3 rolls, a hamburger, 2 empanadas, lettuce with cheese, 3 peanut bars, and some milk. Sure, I ate almost everything, but I felt so sick that I threw up what little I did manage to eat. It hurt so much; I ended up with a terrible stomach ache. Even so, I took a fat burner and went to the gym. Then I started feeling dizzy. It was awful! My head hurt, my whole body ached, I was sweating buckets, and the dizziness was unbearable. But I kept working out, even though I couldn't lift weights and had to lower the intensity on two machines. But I made up for it by doing two more sets of 30 reps. When I got back, I planned to start working out again. I'm really craving food, everything.
I hope tomorrow is better; maybe my stomach won't hurt so much this time.
Until tomorrow, dear diary.
Love, -N