Chapter Text
“No. I am your father.”
Darth Vader’s voice booms out of the surround sound speakers in the Don’t Go Crazy Room, as I introduce Rocky to one of the classics of modern cinema.
Rocky’s two front limbs fly up in what I assume is a gesture of utter shock. “Surprise surprise surprise! Darth Vader Luke parent, question? Luke Darth Vader young, question?”
“Yeah, buddy. That’s exactly how people reacted when this movie first came ou—”
Suddenly, I’m cut off, as the background wind sound effects from the movie seem to get twice as loud, drowning out Luke’s “No, that can’t be true!” Something must have gone wonky with the speakers - maybe a wire shorted out? The sound is overpowering, it’s not going to be any fun to watch the rest of the movie like this, so reluctantly I hit pause on my laptop to go fiddle with the speakers.
The sound doesn’t stop.
I mean, Luke stops talking, as expected, but the whirring sound keeps going. Something else on the ship is whirring. That can’t be good. It sounds like it’s coming from the dormitory?
I’m about to head down there to investigate, before I remember that Rocky can probably already “see” whatever’s going on. I turn to him.
“Is big box. Box, and then no box, and then box again.” he says, cryptically.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Big box appear. Then big box disappear. Then reappear again.” Rocky says, frustrated, like I’m stupid for not getting it the first time. Because big boxes totally appear and disappear on our ship all the time; like that’s something I should have accounted for as a possibility.
Okay, this I gotta see. My curiosity outweighs my need for self-preservation, and I cautiously make my way down to the dormitory, with Rocky in his ball right at my heels.
Sure enough, there’s a box alright. A giant blue box, roughly the size of a phone booth. It says “Police Public Call Box” in English on the top. What the fudge? What the fudge is happening right now?
Before I can decide whether it’s safe to try to approach the box, the door creaks open and a man and woman walk out. A man and woman who definitely weren’t on my ship a minute ago. The man is sharply dressed and looks like he uses way too much hair gel, and the woman is a redhead in a pink and red striped sweater. But who cares about their outfits - I want to know how the heck they materialized out of thin air onto our ship!
“Who the fudge are you?” I blurt out. Okay, maybe not as polite as I probably should have been. But in my defense, what the fudge is happening?!?
“Hello! I’m the Doctor, that’s Donna. And you are?” he asks, offering a hand.
I’m so startled that I take it and answer him. “I uhm, Ryland Grace.” I stammer out, bewildered.
“Ryland Graaace.” He repeats, drawing out the single syllable of my surname, before letting out a gasp. “The Ryland Grace? Oh, of course! And then you must be Rocky.” He says, turning to my alien friend. He looks positively giddy. “Are we aboard the Hail Mary?”
I nod in confirmation.
“Brilliant! I’d always hoped I’d had a hand in solving the astrophage crisis. Donna!” he calls to his companion, who has been occupying herself exploring the ship. Not touching anything - just sort of looking everything over with curious eyes. “Did you hear that? We’re aboard the Hail Mary! This is Ryland Grace and Rocky!”
“The what?” The woman, apparently Donna, asks, confused. “Am I supposed to know who they are?” How is that her hang up, and not the fact that Rocky is, you know, Eridian?
The Doctor blinks for a second. “Ah, right. They haven’t announced it back on Earth when you came from yet. You know the astrophage crisis, though, yeah?”
When you came from? Hold up, is he implying…?
“The thing with the sun dimming? How could I not? It’s all over the news!” she says.
“Yeah, so in about two years, give or take, the global powers on Earth will join forces to send a ship to Tau Ceti to figure out how to stop astrophage from eating the sun. These are the guys that solved it all, Donna! They’re legends! And we get to help them do it!”
Yeah, about that…
“So, let’s get to it, then!” The Doctor claps his hands. “What do we need to do? Have you sampled the Petrova line yet?”
“Yes, but—”
“Ah, so we’re setting up for the Adrian fishing expedition!”
“No, we did that… but who—”
“You need help breeding the Taumoeba to thrive under Earth and Erid’s atmospheric conditions? Oh, I always did love a good science experiment!”
“No, we did that too.” I tell him, finally able to get a word in. I don’t know who this man is or how he could possibly know the specifics of our mission before the beetles have even arrived back on Earth, but I roll with it. “We’re a little under three light years out from Tau Ceti. The beetles are already on their way back to Earth.”
Rocky and I had cracked the mystery of Taumoeba about a year ago and sent the beetles on their way. We’ve been en route to Erid ever since.
“Aw, man. Then what do you need us for?”
“Need you?” I ask, incredulous. “I don’t even know who you are! Or how the heck you seem to have defied the laws of physics to get onto our ship!” I exclaim, throwing up my hands.
I can feel myself getting worked up. Breathe, Ryland. What would you do if you were back in the classroom and things were getting out of hand?
I hold up my hands in a classic T pose, and breathe deeply to center myself.
“Hold up, let’s take a time out”, I say, addressing the newcomers. “Donna, Doctor…”
“Just the Doctor.”
“Right.”
“How are you… well, here?” I ask.
The Doctor brightens at the question. “Oh, that’s easy. We came in the TARDIS!” He gives the large blue box an affectionate pat.
“Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. This old girl can bring us just about anywhere. Or anywhen!”
“Box is ♫♩♪♫♩♪.” Rocky says. I’m guessing that’s his word for time machine, or the closest Eridian equivalent.
“Exactly!” says the Doctor.
“You speak Eridian.” I observe, surprised.
“Ah, yes. Lovely people, the Eridians. Incredible hospitality. And I’ve been to some of the most amazing concerts on your planet.” he tells Rocky.
“Okay,” I breathe out, taking it all in. “So you guys are time travelers—”
“—and space!” pipes up the Doctor.
“Time and space travelers.” I continue, “And you came here to… help us out?”
“That’s the gist of it.” he nods.
“But you’re a year late.” I finish.
Donna puts her hands on her hips and looks at the Doctor. Rocky arranges his limbs in what I assume is supposed to be roughly the same gesture.
“Hey, don’t look at me! Blame her!” he says gesturing to the giant blue box.
The giant blue box does nothing. The Doctor reacts anyway.
“Aw, don’t be like that,” he says to the box. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!”
“Anywhoo,” he claps his hands and turns back to me and Rocky. “Since we did come all this way, I don’t suppose there’s anything we could do to pitch in around here?”
I think for a moment. Rocky thinks faster.
“Human food in box, question?” he asks.
Brilliant Rocky, always asking the important questions.
“What he means is, we’re still three years out from Erid, and we only have enough rations left for two. You guys wouldn’t happen to have anything I can eat in that box of yours, would you?”
The Doctor grins. “We do indeed, but I can do you one better.” He winks. “How would you like to go for a ride in the TARDIS?”