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Lohen was never meant for a gentle life. Metal slicing through flesh, bruises throbbing on his skin, the scent of blood clinging to him no matter how hard he scrubbed. That’s what he was meant for. That’s what he was good at. It’s where he was comfortable.
No matter how hard his parents tried they couldn’t stop the suffocating feeling sitting stuck in four walls caused him. His own home turned into a cage after one incident. One crazed man who wanted to do crazed man things threw Lohen’s entire life path on its head.
He pretended, best he could, for the first bit. Tried to go back to the child he was before; but images of Fatui guards dragging him by one arm as he kicked and screamed, using all the might in his small body to pull away still flashed behind his eyes. The chill that settled in his bones from sitting in that metal cage never warmed under Mondstadt’s sun. He’d lay awake at night, certain they’d come again, that when they did the knights wouldn’t be able to save him again.
It was a bad idea, he knew it when he thought of it. It didn’t stop him from stealing a carving knife from his father’s work bench. The knowledge of how much trouble he’d be in if his parents caught him didn’t stop him from hiding said knife under his pillow that night. But feeling the faint outline of it under his head did help him sleep.
Eventually though it wasn’t enough. When the sleepless nights returned he didn’t bother staying in bed. Lohen ventured out into the night, carving knife in hand, in search of something to prove himself.
While the Knights of Favonius conducted most of their business out of New Mondstadt they did have a station in Dorman Port. Lohen was more than familiar with it, he’d passed by it countless times now, even got to step into the training grounds once when he and his mother brought new bows for the knights. He was rather surprised at the lack of people there at night, it was so busy in day time, always loud with the chattering of soldiers or a captain shouting orders. Now it was almost eerie in its silence as Lohen dragged a wooden training dummy to a clearer spot.
He’d spend hours every night here until his muscles grew weak and shaky, and then he learned to push past that. His swings grew stronger, he began to move faster and when hiding from patrolling knights became too troublesome he moved to wilderness.
The first obstacle he came across was lack of sight. The streets of Dorman Port were always lit, either by sun or lantern; out here though with only the moon and stars he found himself tripping over sticks and rocks while trying to find a place to train. Once he found a somewhat suitable location Lohen just ended up losing balance and falling over more often than, too unused to the uneven ground.
It was horribly frustrating. Failing over and over. All his progress came to an abrupt halt. The blade on his knife grew dull, after it got a slight chip he was forced to learn how to sharpen it. He briefly contemplated giving up. What good was any of this for? The Knights of Favonius had long since put in new precautions to stop another incident from happening. He saw no reason to bother with this any further.
Then, one lone hilichurl decided to cross paths with Lohen on his way home. He couldn’t tell you what happened. One moment he was being charged at and the next he was left standing victorious; albeit not without a gash on the side of his head from a wooden club and more scrapes and bruises than he’d even had in his whole life combined.
What was truly surprising was his heart had calmed. He’d forgotten how it felt before he was taken, what it was like to not be on edge at every moment. Lohen grew used to the face pace, he even learned to tune out the never ending ringing in his ears. But tonight, under the full moon, Lohen finally felt calm.
Too bad it didn’t last long. After the scolding from his parents when they discovered not only their son had snuck out but got injured while he was on his own; Lohen was promptly sent to his room while his mother fetched a medic. As soon as the door shut it was back. The racing heart, the endless ringing, it was all back. He needed it gone, it needed that clam again. It was all too suffocating now. At least he knew how to get it now.
Lohen couldn’t say he was particularly proud of the person he became, he knew what others thought of him. The strange adventurer who took to most dangerous commissions he could find. He was odd, but he was strong. It wasn’t until he joined the same knights he used to steal training dummies from that he found a community. He quickly took the spot of Vice Captain, directly under the same knight who saved him all those years ago and before he knew it he was off to Nod Krai for the great expedition.
And it was perfect. New, stronger enemies he could use to fall into the rush of battle. It was exhilarating in all the right ways. Years in and Lohen was still able to go off on his own for a few days and never run out of things to keep him entertained.
It was during one of these hunts that he found a new light to warm him in the form of a grey haired lightkeeper. They met in the midst of battle, the little bird thought he was overwhelmed by the amount of wild hunt monsters and came to rescue him. It was laughable now, how worried he was.
Something had truly switched in Lohen’s brain that day. He was still the same menace he always was; slipping relatively harmless poisons into his fellow knights drinks when they weren’t looking, running headfirst into battle while his company provided cover from behind. Now he added a new activity to his roster. Bothering the wonderful little ratnik he’d begun to grow a friendship with.
Illuga was the exact opposite of Lohen. A kind and caring squad leader who threw himself into danger, not for the trill but to protect his fellow soldiers. It wasn’t long before the two became inseparable, mostly due to Lohen’s insistence on it; and then an even shorter time before a love began to bloom, once again on Lohen’s insistence.
For the first time in his life Lohen didn’t reach for the knife under his pillow first thing in the morning. Now, he woke slowly, the light of the rising sun shining through the window in a room he had grown to become familiar with. A little golden crystalline bird sat on the unused pillow, all fluffed up like he wasn’t made of solid light but instead soft feathers.
Lohen himself didn’t bother using a pillow, instead taking his favorite place on the warm solid chest of his birdie. Said birdie was still fast asleep, head flopped to the side with gray hair falling across his face. He looked so peaceful like this, it was only in his sleep that Lohen saw relax; it quickly became one of his favorite sights.
He briefly thought about going back to sleep, neither of them had any responsibilities today so no reason not to get some more sleep. A shame he was feeling too mischievous for that.
Scooting up to be face to face with Illuga and propping up on his elbows he leaned in as close as he could without fully touching, “ohhhh birdie,” he sang in a soft whisper, “time to get up.”
Illuga only huffed and reached a hand up to push Lohen away with a scandalized gasp.
“My goodness, my sweet birdie, pushing me away like I’m nothing but a bothersome fly.”
That only caused Illuga to turn over, pushing Aedon off his resting spot. Lohen only giggled as the angry bird landed on his owner’s head and started pecking at his hair in retaliation.
“Aedon,” that name came out as a sleepy grumble, “what’s got you so worked up.”
“You do. You stole his spot.”
A sharp chirp rang out in agreement. Illuga pushed himself up slowly to not jostle the bird and thus anger him further. When Aedon got the memo of the new position he flew back to his rightful seat to go back to sleep.
“Sorry Aedon,” he turned to his partner, still laying down, “I swear I fell asleep on your side last night, and I never move around in my sleep.”
“You did and you don’t. I was trying to wake you up and you decided you’d rather push me to the side and steal from your bird.”
Illuga rolled his eyes with a fond smile, “oh, so it’s all your fault then.”
Lohen shot up the accusation but the grin on his face did little to help the dramatic act he was putting on, “me? How could you pin all the blame on me? Are you hearing his Aedon?”
Aedon had long since turned the bickering pair out and refused to be a part of whatever they were doing.
Illuga flopped back down in bed, one arm draped across Lohen’s lap, “why’d you want me up anyway? You love sleeping in.”
A partial truth, Lohen only liked it when he was with Illuga. “Dunno, just felt like it.”
Lohen laid back down on his back, Illuga took the opportunity to rest his head on Lohen’s chest, swapping their earlier positions. On instinct Lohen wrapped his arms around him; pressing them together as much as he could.
“Well now you have me, whatever shall we do?”
Lohen only hummed, as he pressed a kiss to the top of Illuga’s head. He could feel the knife he had stuffed under the pillow press into his head the same way it had done for years. He saw the look Illuga gave him when he put it there during their first sleepover. He saw the understanding in that look before he turned back to changing into his sleeping clothes. Lohen sat there watching him. He waited for the questions but they never came. Only a soft hand guiding him to lay down for night. He was sure Illuga could feel it too, on the nights they curled up on one side of the bed together; but never once had he asked to remove it.
He began to think Illuga was unnaturally understanding. Even before he learned of Lohen’s past he never bothered to ask why he was the way he was. There were questions of course, when Lohen did something extremely unusual, but even those never went past just wondering about the thought process behind his plans.
Once he did know nothing between them ever changed. Illuga still loved him with the same soft warmth he did before. It scared Lohen for a bit, letting someone in like that. When they first began regular sleepovers Lohen was antsy. Sure he had a house back in Mondstadt but he rarely stayed in it for more than a night, even his tent at the keep was left empty most nights. He hadn’t stayed in a home regularly since he was child, the walls were still too much.
As time went on coming into Illuga’s home after a long day became startlingly natural. Warm home cooked dinners became routine, Lohen’s belongings slowly taking space by Illuga’s. He was finally having the quiet domestic life his parents wanted for him. Something about Illuga made it feel possible.
“Let’s go back to sleep.”