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“What do you mean you swallowed the key?!”
Phil looked at Dan, wide-eyed. He couldn’t believe it himself, but there was now a tiny key making its way through his digestive system. He really didn’t mean for that to happen. Certainly not while they were trying to have kinky sex.
Dan’s right hand was handcuffed to the radiator – for lack of a better place, and because they both didn’t quite understand the physics of tying up someone with both hands to a radiator without it being majorly uncomfortable. He was pulling frantically at the vile thing while giving Phil a wild look.
“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Phil said.
“But you did swallow it! What are we supposed to do now?”
“Well…” Phil started, looking pointedly at Dan’s crotch. Dan followed his gaze and immediately punched him in the arm with his free hand.
“Seriously, Phil? Do you think I care for that right now?” He vainly pulled at the handcuffs again.
Phil rubbed his sore arm and pouted. “Sorry, but it’s been so long.”
Dan gave him a sour look. “You were the one trying to date that sound technician.”
“And I would have date Emily if she didn’t have a major crush on you.”
“Are we going to talk about that again? There are more important things at hand right now!” Dan indicated the handcuffs with a frantic wave of his other hand.
Phil rolled his eyes. “That was a bad pun, even for you.”
Dan turned and looked at the handcuffs again. “But seriously, normally these things aren’t that sturdy, I should be able to…” Dan put all his body weight into it and pulled, but he just hurt himself instead. He rubbed his wrist and winced, while Phil sat back on his heels and sighed.
“I think you were the one telling me to buy a better pair after what happened with the last one.” Phil rubbed at the back of his head. “I think I still have a bruise from that.”
Dan looked up and winced again. “Ah, yes, I remember, that was really difficult to explain to Louise.” They both shuddered.
“You know, I think she still doesn’t believe that it was the page boy’s fault,” Phil said.
Dan rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Just help me get out of these!”
“I don’t know,” Phil drawled, stood up and took a few steps backwards. “I kinda like you like that.” He cocked his head to the side and grinned. Dan gaped at him, then tried to swat his left hand at him, but Phil was too far away.
“When did you become so damn cocky, you idiot,” Dan said, still trying to get hold of Phil.
“You like it. Admit it.”
Dan’s cheeks pinked. “Shut up and do something or,” he inclined his head, and looked up at Phil with malice in his eyes, “I won’t do ‘the thing’ with you ever again.”
Phil crossed his arms, defeated. Dan definitely knew how to talk him round.
“I hate you,” he said sulkily and took off for the kitchen.
Phil had to admit, he couldn’t really think straight. His blood was currently pooling somewhere quite different from his brain. He had really hoped that evening would end a bit differently, but how should he have known that he was quite good at swallowing things? He didn’t intend to do that. Who wants a tiny key in their stomachs? He wasn’t looking forward for that thing to come out again…
Phil rummaged through the cabinets and retrieved a sharp knife and some wire (whoever put that in there?) and hurried back to his bedroom. Maybe, he thought, they could pick up from where they left if he hurried up. When he entered the room, Dan was sitting in a slouch, right arm uncomfortably twisted.
When he looked up at Phil, he instantly shouted, “Woah, you won’t try to pick a lock with that,” he indicated the knife and waved his hand, “I don’t think that will work anyway. Put it down, damnit!”´
Phil hastily put the knife on his drawer and walked over to Dan, kneeling down and trying to work the wire into the tiny keyhole.
Dan gave an exasperated sigh. “Are you some kind of picklock or what? This won’t work!” He jerked the wire out of Phil’s hand and threw it somewhere beside him. Phil did feel insulted by that. At least he had tried something.
“Come on, I said I’m sorry!”
“In fact, you didn’t.”
“Well, I’m sorry, then! Now please stop being like that, I can’t think when you shout at me!”
Dan looked exasperated. “You never think, do you? I mean, why did you take that key into your mouth in the first place?”
Phil looked sheepishly to the floor. “I thought it would be sexy.” Saying it out loud was really ridiculous, but he had been quite horny at that time. No one should be held accountable for thinking that putting a key into your mouth would be a sexy thing while being rock hard. Although it was really a dumb thing to do.
“You thought…?” Dan couldn’t hold the laugh bubbling up in his chest. Phil’s face flushed.
“You are unbelievable, Philip Lester,” Dan laughed. When he calmed down, he didn’t look as angry anymore. “Get the tool kit, I think we’ll be able to come up with something.”
Phil ran down to the closet, retrieved their rather dusty tool kit and sprinted back up the stairs, stubbing his toes in the process. When he hobbled back into the room and put down the box, he and Dan got to work. They tried nails, screwdrivers, a hammer (Dan wouldn’t let Phil use the cordless hammer drill), and when they got really desperate, a wrench.
Phil was slumped on the floor, panting a bit from his useless efforts with the wrench. “Dan, I think this is it. I have to call for help.”
“No, don’t! This is way too embarrassing!”
Phil looked at him apologetically. “Do you have a better idea? I mean, we could wait until the key just-”
“No,” Dan cut in. “I’m not going to wait for that.”
“Then what do you expect me to do?” Phil wrung his arms helplessly.
“I don’t know,” Dan whined. “I just don’t want anybody to see me like this. I mean, who’s idea was this anyway? The radiator, I mean.”
“Yours,” Phil said without missing a beat. “I think you said something along the lines of ‘It’ll be really hot.’ That wasn’t even a real pun, by the way.”
Dan put his face into his free hand and sighed miserably. “I get it, we’re both quite stupid when we’re horny.”
He looked up at Phil with a weak smile. Phil just shrugged. But then his gaze fell upon something shiny right next to Dan’s face. He got up to get a closer look. Then he felt the blood drain from his face. Dan turned around to see what had caught Phil’s attention, but he couldn’t sit up high enough to see the window sill.
“What is it?” he asked, craning his neck.
“Well…” Phil began, avoiding Dan’s eyes. “Do you remember that I put the lube and condoms on the window sill?”
He stole a glance at Dan, who raised an eyebrow. “Yes, so?”
“Sooo, I also put down the spare key.” He took the key and held it up for Dan to see.
For a moment, he didn’t react; then he looked like he was about to explode.
“Spare. Key,” he said in a much calmer tone that betrayed his facial expression. Phil hastily unlocked the handcuffs and stepped back a few steps, holding up his hands in defence.
“I’m sorry Dan! I really am! I totally forgot about the spare key!” Dan had stood up, rubbing his wrist and walked slowly towards Phil, eyes fierce. Phil yelped when he was backed against the wall and Dan stepped into his space.
“You had a fucking spare key all that time?” he asked, voice calm, eyes burning into Phil’s. Oh dear, Dan is really angry now, Phil thought.
He scrunched up his shoulders and closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable diatribe. “I’m sorry!”
He didn’t expect, though, that Dan would grab his head and kiss him roughly. Phil gave a surprised sound but instantly melted into his friend, hands tangling into Dan’s shirt. It was all tongue and so damn hot – angry sex was the best thing after all, Phil decided at that moment, feeling that he instantly regained his boner from earlier.
Then, without a warning, Dan broke the kiss with a loud smacking sound and stepped back, grinning at Phil mischievously.
“You go order Pizza, I’ll wait in the lounge,” he said cheerfully and walked out the door, leaving a very hot and bothered Phil. When Phil registered what exactly happened, he shouted, “Oi, what was that?”
“My revenge,” Dan shouted back. “Now go and get us some dinner, you oath.”