Archive of Our Own

The stark blue sky is occasionally disrupted by the fluffiness of the white clouds dappled across its endless canvas.

It's an unbreakable habit, and yet, looking up at the sky from this view, Mizuki cannot help the feeling of nostalgia coursing through him, a break of familiarity strangely different from the way he had observed thousands of skies throughout his lifetime, like he's two decades younger once again.

The plastic texture of that book cover, and the smell of those pages amidst a beautifully empty room.

The train is quiet for the most part, with only he and Yoh occupying the first few rows of the seats. Perhaps it's expected because of the choice to travel at this time of the year, but it's a pleasant surprise, nonetheless, to be able to travel with very little interference. Mizuki doesn't think he and Yoh have ever had a break like this for the entire time of their relationship together, and it's something neither of them had discussed in advance.

"We're getting close."

Mizuki looks at Yoh, eyes watching the clouds beyond the window with that same nostalgic air around him. Impulsively, he grasps Yoh's hand, entangling their fingers together even with the cold sweat coating Yoh's palms. He doesn't look at Mizuki, nor does he say anything, but instinctively, he squeezes his hand back.

Mizuki only wonders why this melancholy can feel so lonely even with Yoh by his side.

-

"I'll have to go back to my hometown this week."

Mizuki doesn't remember how he must have looked at the moment, because Yoh immediately started fidgeting uncomfortably as Mizuki stared at him from below, in his hand a cooling mug of coffee prepared by Yoh just moments ago.

"Because…?"

"My eldest sister is coming home from abroad," Yoh explained. "I haven't seen her since I left for university. She really wants me to be there, too."

Mizuki had never heard Yoh talk about his family before, but he recalled Yoh saying that he had a large family, the youngest among his three older sisters. That memory of that night was vivid in his mind, a strangely pleasant ache amidst the bitterness that resides in him in the middle of autumn.

Mizuki gripped his mug tightly, holding himself back before letting his inner thoughts slip out, denying Yoh of his own family.

"It's only for two days… and I haven't gone home since I left for university."

But Mizuki was unable to stop himself from being apprehensive about it. He's not even meeting those online friends he has, not even Kanami.

"You can go, but you must tell me when you get there, and when you're going home."

"Actually, Mizuki-san…"

That was supposed to be his compromise, and yet—

"I was thinking, maybe…" Yoh paused for a bit, before taking a deep breath and looking Mizuki straight in the eyes. "If you can come with me."

It was an outrageous ask, especially since Yoh hadn't requested Mizuki anything of this caliber before, nor had he ever talked about his family extensively other than a passing mention of his siblings. There had been tons of transparent barriers that Mizuki had tried breaking through just to understand Yoh a bit better. Still, neither of them had mentioned much of their families during their entire relationship. With Mizuki's own deflection about his own upbringing, it wasn't surprising that Yoh had never brought it up, especially when Mizuki never asked him about it.

Did Yoh know exactly what he was asking for?

In typical Yoh fashion, he attempted to backtrack, making too many assumptions from Mizuki's moment of silence.

"But you don't have to! I know you're busy, and I don't want to impede on your work and take a leave abruptly from—"

"I'll go."

"Huh?"

"I'll go," Mizuki repeated himself, because Yoh didn't know how much a simple request could mean to someone like him. "I haven't filed a leave since I started working. It wouldn't be bad to go on vacation now, would it?"

"A-are you sure?"

"I'm not the one seeing my family, Yoh." Mizuki rebutted. "Would you want me around?"

Because even despite the happiness of that request, Mizuki knew the implication of what Yoh was asking for him, and what Yoh was going to do for his family. It would have been easy enough for him to go alone and to see his sisters like he originally planned, and yet there was strength in that fear—the bravery to defy the comfort they had with each other. To push through the boundary outside of their home, and to confront the reality of their relationship.

Mizuki wouldn't have gone if it weren't for the relief on Yoh's face once he stood his ground.

"Yes. I would love that."

And Mizuki agreed, because this was never something that he would do for his own, even if things had turned out for the better.

-

Yoh's hometown is quaint. The simplicity and quietness of the area is already a welcome difference from Tokyo's frantic energy, and while the houses and streets aren't exactly 'outdated,' there is still this old-fashioned quality that evokes something wistful inside Mizuki, telling him—I do not belong here.

It's different from what Mizuki grew up in. The stillness of this place is nowhere similar to the sterility of his childhood home. How ridiculous would it be to look for something like this in that concrete landscape? Such places only grant shelter, but they never promise warmth. It's just strange seeing how the same sky he'd been looking at for his entire lifetime could somehow feel different just from a change in backdrop, and the distant metropolis is like this untouchable dream, almost; it's difficult to think that he lived over there as he walks in a rural area not even too far from its nearby cityscape.

The world is large, unbearably so. Little of him matters in the big picture, and there are millions of lives playing out before him that he isn't even aware of, though it's not like Mizuki ever cared to know.

"Oh, Yoh-kun! You've grown so much! We haven't seen you in such a long time!"

"I'm sorry I haven't gone home in a while…"

A group of elderly ladies approaches Yoh with surprising vigor for their age, already welcoming him from his prolonged absence from their town. Mizuki watches Yoh greet the ladies shyly, and yet despite his timid disposition, he talks to them with receptive familiarity unseen in the way he usually sees Yoh back in Tokyo, even in front of Kanami.

Mizuki pushes down the irritation bubbling up, because he knows it's unreasonable. A petty kind of feeling, wanting to grab Yoh back from them and tell them he's mine, they don't get to touch him like that; a jealousy reserved only for anyone with foul intentions, not for women who have likely considered Yoh their own grandson. Would it have been more appropriate if Mizuki felt bitter for the way Yoh is adored so purely—something Mizuki has never felt in his entire life? It feels as if anything he projects towards Yoh is unfair. How is it that even the simplest notion of jealousy could feel so perverse?

"And who is this?"

Of course, it doesn't take long until that attention goes to Mizuki, who immediately gives the women his professional smile. "Segasaki Mizuki, Yoh's roommate. I'm just here to accompany him."

They fuss over him, but it's not something that Mizuki isn't familiar with, so he gives them the attention they ask for, engaging in the slightest bit of small talk to fulfill the 5-minute dream for a bunch of ladies who probably don't have much going on in this small town. He wouldn't call it humility, per se, but he gives away just enough to signal that he's fine, but not unremarkable. They don't need to know the nitty-gritty details; he already deals with enough back home.

But he doesn't really pay attention to them, occasionally darting his eyes at the women and at Yoh, who's looking at him worryingly, as if he's unsure if Mizuki even likes that he's being hounded first thing during his arrival. Even here, Mizuki takes the lead for both of them, knowing just how nervous he might be before meeting his family, whom he hadn't seen in years.

"—Oh, don't let us hold you back for too long, Segasaki-kun, Yoh-kun."

"Ah, yes?"

One of them takes Yoh's hand and pats it gently, her eyes looking like they'll almost tear up at how much she missed Yoh's presence in the town. "Say hello to your mother for us, okay? Remember, you're not a stranger here!"

The women thankfully leave, chatting to themselves about Mizuki's sudden presence and Yoh's return, and there's a complicated expression on Yoh's face as they walk towards his home.

"…Are you okay?"

Mizuki scoffs. "I'm used to this."

"I know," Yoh sighs. "It just feels like I'm showing you something that used to be part of me."

They bask in the silence, save for the chirping and buzzing that swallows Mizuki's eardrums whole. The Yoh he had taken for himself was devoid of the past that had shaped him into who he is—or, rather, he had only taken traces of him while leaving so much of himself behind, while Mizuki selfishly shields this version of Yoh, because this is what he has chosen. Mizuki is who he has chosen.

If you see what you have abandoned, would you still pick me?

In this moment, Mizuki chooses silence. He allows Yoh to pick himself back up, claiming bits and pieces of the person he used to be. Stopping to greet stray cats, walking further to old, decaying stores with the elderly vendors who greeted him, and Mizuki can only surmise the kind of Yoh that existed before he met him, placing those puzzle pieces in an endless picture that he realistically knows he will never see whole. But Mizuki can't complain now. Even when he has stripped Yoh down to his barest parts, to the point that he would rather skin him and cradle the heart he had wanted since considering him his, his chest aches seeing Yoh try to show him the parts of himself that he had unknowingly hidden from Mizuki. How would their relationship look if Mizuki had opened himself up to the honesty of his past?

Even if he were honest with what he felt for Yoh, omissions were not exact 'lies', but they were never 'truths' to begin with, either.

Mizuki plasters on his best smile as they arrive at a rusty gate. It creaks as Yoh opens it like he's always known how to return, and he hears voices behind the closed doors of the Tanada household.

"Kaa-chan! I think Yoh is here!"

It's a scramble for who will greet Yoh first. He cannot make out her words, but the gentle tone responding to those shouts must be Yoh's mother. Mizuki looks at Yoh, anxiety palpable throughout his entire body, and yet his face is tense with an anticipatory smile that Mizuki had never seen from Yoh since the day Yoh appeared on his doorstep years ago.

Mizuki puts his hand just by Yoh's waist. A childish happiness aches in his gut when Yoh relaxes against his touch.

"Welcome back, Yoh-chan!"

-

"What were your sisters like?"

"Well…"

Mizuki learned of Yoh's sisters the night before they departed from Tokyo. He had taken an advanced leave then, and no one was exactly mad at him for doing so at the last minute, since Mizuki was considered such a valuable asset to the company, they just let him take the leave without much question. In a good mood, Mizuki made dinner for both of them that night, intently watching Yoh's pleased expression as he ate the food he cooked. He barely had the time to cook for Yoh, and he wished to be able to do this for him more. If only he could permanently etch that smile inside the hollows of his heart.

—Yoh lived in a sizable home appropriate for a family with four children and a single mother. The eldest, Sumire, is 8 years older than him, while Mika and Kaede are 6 and 5 years older than him, respectively. Because Mika and Kaede are only a year apart, they're the ones closest to each other, and are usually the pair who like to tease Yoh a lot. Yoh ended up being attached to Sumire, even when she teased Yoh her own way, too.

Despite it all, every sister doted on Yoh because of how much younger he is compared to the rest of them, and when Yoh recounted memories of Mika and Kaede's pranks on him during his childhood, he would make this sour face and immediately break into a tender smile right after.

"My father was gone by the time I was born, so I guess in a way my sisters all stepped in for my mom."

"What's your mother like?"

"…She's really gentle. I think Mika-nee and Kaede-nee gave me the backbone because they're so persistent with me."

"You have a backbone?"

"O-Of course I do!"

Mizuki was fascinated to hear about Yoh's family, especially since Mizuki had no siblings of his own. It wasn't like his parents were present for him, either. It was such a foreign concept to Mizuki that his irrational jealousy was absent in favor of hearing more of Yoh's family at the dinner table. Their food was only halfway through being finished with Mizuki's constant questioning, abandoning it just to stare at Yoh's soft expressions, talking about what Mizuki doesn't have.

"Sumire-neesan wasn't as mean to me, and she was the one who took care of me the most, next to my mom. I think it was when she left for abroad that I considered leaving for Tokyo and studying at a university there."

"And she's the one who asked you to come home?"

Mizuki could not get Yoh's sparkling eyes out of his head. "Yeah."

"I'm home—ouch!"

"Yoh-chan!"

Two women, just a bit shorter than Yoh, come bursting out of the door and start pulling and hugging Yoh, making Yoh stumble as he tries to keep up with his sisters. Mika and Kaede, Mizuki surmises, with Mika having twin tails and Kaede wearing glasses. They pinch, poke, and tug Yoh all over, overwhelming him with just how much they missed him. Mizuki only watches a few steps behind, letting them have their long-awaited family reunion happen at the front door.

"You look the same, but you've grown?! How can that happen?"

"He's still a baby, Kaede, look!"

"Please stop pulling me…"

"How can we not? Learn to answer your phone!"

"It's like you've disappeared on us, jeez."

"I get it, I get it!" Yoh groans, reluctantly hugging his sisters back. They all squeeze by the doorway, but Yoh lets go to immediately walk by Mizuki's side, to Mizuki's surprise. "Um, I also brought my… roommate with me. As I've said."

Oh? Mizuki raises a brow at him. He didn't know Yoh had told them about him in advance, but he guessed it would make sense to at least inform them of another person going to their household, especially when he hadn't contacted them in a few years. Mizuki pushes the thought away, smiling at the now flustered women standing right in front of them.

"Nice to meet you," Mizuki beams. "I'm Segasaki Mizuki. I hope you welcome me into your home."

Mizuki bows a bit, and the women gush to themselves as they start tugging on Yoh again.

"Yoh-chan! Did you really bring a hottie into the Tanada household?!"

"Mika-nee—"

"You should have told us!" Mika giggles. "We could've looked our best!"

"You already look fine."

"I would think that since women have surrounded you since you were a kid that you'd at least understand that, but you're still Yoh-chan, in the end."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Anyway," Kaede faces Mizuki, bowing herself. "You're absolutely welcome, Segasaki-kun. Let's go inside, kaa-chan has been waiting for you, too, you know!"

"Wait, you're right!"

The sisters usher them inside, expectantly clinging to Mizuki as they ask a bunch of questions about him. Mizuki, just as he did with those women before, does not say more than necessary. Maybe it's rude, and maybe it implies more than what is comfortable to Mizuki, especially around Yoh's family, but can you really blame him? Yoh had said so little about them, but this is a different kind of Yoh that he's never seen before.

Walking through the hallways of his childhood home, Mizuki can superimpose that image of a younger Yoh, who would cry and complain about wanting an entire cake for himself. He smiles faintly, seeing the shadows of that child appear before him, and he can only hold himself back from taking Yoh's hand to be led around by him, aching with a need to see the kind of person he was without him.

-

"I didn't know Yoh was like that!" Mika points to Yoh, laughing. "Is that true?"

"I wasn't used to housework," Yoh pouts, resting his chopsticks on his lips. "It was my first time, okay."

"Mika, be gracious with Yoh."

"That's unfair, kaa-chan. He's in his late 20s!"

Mizuki laughs. Actually laughs. The happiness that bubbles up from his chest to his throat is genuine, and the food that's sitting in his stomach is undeniably delicious. The joy almost feels foreign, and the mask he would always keep on outside of their home is nonexistent in this very moment. When was the last time he really smiled like this to anyone who's not Yoh? Recalling the awful taste of that curry to Kanami was the closest thing he could remember.

Sumire is just as Yoh described her. As the eldest sister, she's usually the one who keeps her younger siblings in tow, but Mizuki immediately saw just how attached Yoh was to her the moment they saw each other again. Yoh doesn't talk that much, even to his own family, and yet he follows Sumire around like she's his constant anchor.

Mizuki looks at their mother. He understands what Yoh said about her—being so gentle, her voice is almost drowned out by the noise if it weren't for the space that her children give her to listen to her voice when she speaks up. Mizuki isn't so ignorant as to be unaware of various family dynamics he'd seen through shows and movies, but experiencing it right in front of his eyes is… different. Unbelievable, to be frank.

"How about you be kinder towards Segasaki-kun instead of having him clean up your mess all the time?"

Mizuki laughs. "Yoh-kun has done so much in the house, so I'm thankful for anything he has done around the apartment."

For me, he thinks, hoping they can read in between the lines. He doesn't say much at all, keeping it all vague and only revealing what Yoh reveals.

He takes a bite, and looks to the side, wondering if he can somehow see the ghost of his parents' shadows—he sees Yoh, instead, raising his voice, laughing, and the coldness he felt from large dinner tables, even in the presence of his parents coming from abroad, does not make itself known. It had turned into a habit, eating food in his own room instead of wasting his time at the table. Who would punish him for it when no one else was there to tell him off? It was the only thing that he allowed himself to do to tick Daito-san off. Not even her own home cooking could save the blandness of these dinners when Mizuki's parents did come home, garnished with pointless pleasantries to hide that none of them wanted to be there at all.

Seeing Yoh's shy, expectant look, sitting at the low table in the apartment of his university, that awful curry tasted wonderful, just having him there by his side.

"Let's each have half."

"But it's pretty small."

"It's okay.

Because it's lonely to eat cake all by myself."

—Is this why you've allowed yourself to be selfish?

Why you don't know what this shape of loneliness feels like.

"Don't mind Mika and Kaede too much, Yoh, I told you that." Sumire rolls her eyes at Yoh, affectionately. "Besides, if Yoh had lived with Segasaki-kun for a while, then it's safe to say things are going well, right?"

"I guess…"

"No worries, Sumire-san. Yoh-kun does… the best he can."

"Hey!"

Mizuki isn't benevolent. He's selfish himself; he can admit that. But it's harder to admit that it's a selfishness born out of fear of losing what you didn't know you needed. Yoh liked to be alone, because he knew what it was like to live in a full house with enough noise to fill every corner of the room, knowing that he had something to return to, while Mizuki didn't. He doesn't know just how much Mizuki cherishes every second they spend at the dinner table, relishing how they occupy the small table made just for them. He doesn't know how Mizuki doesn't mind the cramped space of their sofa because Mizuki can hold Yoh closer. Yoh doesn't know how his clumsiness proves he's part of Mizuki's life, learning to love his inconvenience instead of the spotless servitude that stripped his life of anything worth living for.

He eats at the Tanada family dinner table, learning how to love the noise that Yoh grew up in, and he wonders why it's so easy to breathe, despite feeling more cramped than he'd ever been, despite the vastness of his childhood room full of anything and everything that he could ask for, and despite why, of all reasons in the world, would he choose to falter now.

-

"I hope they weren't too much for you," Yoh shyly says as he sets up the futon.

His childhood bedroom is a bit smaller than his room back home—Mizuki's home—though it looks spacious only because it lacks the shelves and the large desk Mizuki bought for him to help with his manga work. Still, with what little space he has, the tops of his drawers are his own makeshift shelves, containing a bunch of yellowing manga volumes that show their age. The desk also looks smaller because of how many books and papers are stacked on top of it, looking like they haven't been moved in years despite their relative cleanliness.

There are barely any pictures displayed, with the only evidence left being the remnants of tape tacked on the walls and the few frames of degraded family photos: the whole family, Yoh with his sisters, and Yoh with his mother. He observes these pictures from afar, and Mizuki thinks that maybe his sisters were right in that Yoh had barely changed, seeing as these photos show a clearly younger Yoh, and yet the Yoh in front of him looks like he'd still be the same person in those photos. His sense of fashion doesn't help, either.

But Mizuki knows how much he has changed him.

Just as Mizuki doesn't know the Yoh from before, his family doesn't know the kind of Yoh he had taken. Molded. The person who has been shaped by his hands and mouth. Mizuki isn't entirely blameless here, not when Yoh had crawled towards him with his bare hands, no matter how much he seals his mouth. Yoh finishes setting up the futon, but Mizuki's just irritated. Who does he think he is, trying to make a separate bed for him?

"M-mizuki-san?!"

Yoh drops the bedsheet as Mizuki comes up from behind and wraps his torso with his arms. Mizuki breathes in his scent, mixed in with their detergent and shampoo and Yoh, and Mizuki can't help but miss their house even though they left the same day. His hands snake under Yoh's shirt, feeling his skin heat up under his touch, and Yoh's body presses back against him instinctively. Yoh's breath hitches, trying to stop any noise from escaping his throat as Mizuki's lips kiss his exposed neck.

Yoh's hands clutch Mizuki's arms, doing nothing to pull him in, or push him away. "We can't do that here…"

Those fingertips tremble slightly, his palms cold with sweat and nervousness. He shouldn't, but Yoh's here. How can he not let himself have his lover in his arms?

"I know," Mizuki pleads. He hugs him tighter, allowing himself to savor what he can of Yoh before desire takes over reason. "Let me just… recharge. Please."

Yoh stops squirming, letting Mizuki embrace his body and transfer the heat. Mizuki tightens his hold when Yoh leans back against him, he, too, relishing in the touch after having controlled themselves in front of his family for not even more than a day. It's a reward, you know? They've been too used to each other's presence. He can still remember when Yoh would actively avoid his touch. Averse to affection, fear of comfort. Mizuki doesn't want to go back to those days.

"We're going back home tomorrow…"

Mizuki's chest aches with something indiscernible. Despite returning to his family, he still refers to Mizuki's house as his home. It's where he'd rather be. He shouldn't have been so worried, and yet, he yearns. How different would things be if he had met Yoh at an earlier part of his life? He wasn't gracious towards him when they first met. He doesn't even know if he would spare Yoh a passing glance. He doesn't even have the right to mourn for it when Mizuki knew he'd give Yoh the same kind of distrust as he did with anyone else.

"Hey," Mizuki murmurs in his ear. "What were you like in high school?"

Yoh freezes in surprise. It's understandable, since Mizuki had never really asked about his past before. Now that they're here, there's no better place to ask him. Yoh stays paused for a bit, and Mizuki thinks that maybe he's also one of those people who look at his adolescence with embarrassment, but Yoh just shakes his head, breaking free from Mizuki's hold to walk towards his desk. Mizuki's arms let go, and he immediately misses his touch.

Yoh picks up a picture frame. He's in his gakuran, probably from his high school graduation. He barely smiles, and even less in photos. He's clutching his diploma shyly. When Mizuki follows him and takes it from his hands, he doesn't even pretend to wallow in sentimentality, as if it were something not worth mentioning.

"Quiet, I guess."

"Same as you were back in university?"

"I thought maybe I'd change if I got into a new environment." Yoh shrugs, brushing it off. "Turns out, trying to study, work part-time, and do manga on the side got really overwhelming…"

Mizuki glances up at Yoh, who looks at the dusty picture frames with a blank expression. He never thought of Yoh as a lazy person. An airhead, sure, and he needed a lot of guidance on that end… but Yoh knew how to get what he wanted, even if he had to tear his own heart for it. He has a horrible habit of blaming himself to the point of self-destruction, until Mizuki is left to pick up the pieces and put him back together.

He didn't realize just how much Yoh sacrificed to try and grasp a fraction of his dreams, hoping it would bloom into fruition—only to fall, in the end.

Almost, he wants to blurt out, I have everything, and I have given it to you. Is that still not enough?

"…Have you ever thought of staying home?" Mizuki asks, because he can't help himself.

Yoh narrows his eyes.

"When you told me I could live with you…" He takes a deep breath and sighs. "I felt saved, I guess."

Mizuki smirks, despite the pain in his throat. "Didn't tell me you wanted to leave once?"

Yoh blushes. "Th-that was a long time ago… It's not like I hated it…"

And when Yoh faces him, he's struck with conviction. He reminds Mizuki of himself, in the simple finality of realizing, I want Yoh to be mine.

"I just didn't want to feel like I couldn't give anything."

He'd already tied Yoh up in irrational bitterness far too many times, and Yoh is far too forgiving. Mizuki can tie him up once again, tell Yoh to never leave, and he would comply.

But leaves shrivel up and die without sunlight. He, who swims against the currents, even if his hands bleed trying to grasp even a sliver of the shore—who will Mizuki be, if he merely takes him away, when this was what has given him purpose?

He watched Yoh try to grasp it. He clawed at his face, taking hold of something. He tried so hard to be worth something for Mizuki's sake, to deem himself proud standing next to someone he had admired the most.

Mizuki couldn't care about any of that… but that's how Yoh shows his love, doesn't it?

"What about returning here?"

"It might be easier." Yoh shakes his head, his smile still so painful to look at. "But no. Even if I missed my sisters sometimes, I… I still don't think I'd want to go back."

-

In the dark, Mizuki hugs Yoh under the futon, not caring if any of his sisters find him this way. Even if Yoh is where he should be, there's still a part of him afraid that he might disappear.

Yoh's voice is quiet, as if he, too, were afraid of being found out.

"Mizuki-san," His breath hits the junction of his neck, lips grazing his skin. "What about you? Do you have anywhere to go back to?"

Mizuki pulls Yoh even closer. He wonders if Yoh can hear his own heartbeat. "No."

It's the easiest answer he has ever given Yoh.

-

Breakfast is a pretty separate affair compared to lunch and dinner in the Tanada household. All the sisters prepared at different times, mostly just eating breakfast with something easy to carry or barely anything at all, all of them seeming too busy to actually focus on one thing. The family is full of morning people, and Yoh is the one who woke up the latest, but only one hour later, after all the sisters have woken up.

The eldest has a plan for the siblings, it seems.

"Yoh, start preparing! We're going out today!"

"Wait, huh?"

"Don't you want to be with your sisters?" Sumire scoffs. "Come on!"

"Okay, okay!" Yoh relents. He looks at Mizuki with a desperate expression, his eyes asking, Is it alright? As if Yoh still needed his permission for his family. Satisfaction swells inside Mizuki, but not wanting to be too complacent, he merely nods back at Yoh, letting him go, as much as he wants him to stay.

Yoh stuffs his face with the rest of his rice before hastily washing it down with his mug of coffee, then getting up to put the dishes in the sink. Mizuki watches as Yoh hurries to his room, squinting, as he's never really seen him move this fast back home… what have his sisters conditioned him to do?

So Mizuki is left sitting on the dining table with the matriarch, with whom he'd been conversing about small, insignificant things during the entirety of breakfast. It's a surprising thing, still. Daito-san is the only guardian figure in his life that he ever felt comfortable talking to, but would it be just to say that those pleasantries were even real when it was substantiated with the facade that he kept up with his own parents? Nobody here knows what he'd gone through, and there's no point in pretending.

But his shoulders throb with that tension, carrying some semblance of guilt that he will never apologize for.

The night went without a hitch. Used to being up early every morning, Mizuki woke up to complete silence, with not even footsteps or voices to supplement the atmosphere of the house. He wanted to stay in bed with Yoh for even longer, but Mizuki didn't wish to cause any problems if anyone saw them like this, so with a heavy heart, he pressed a kiss on Yoh's forehead before carefully removing his arm from under Yoh's body. He ached yet again when Yoh whimpered in his sleep, as if trying to chase Mizuki's leaving warmth.

He should have been able to control himself last night. He couldn't risk it, not when he now knows how loved Yoh is by his family. He doesn't give a shit if anyone else knew about him and Yoh, and if anything, he'd never properly reveal that Yoh is his partner solely because he'd hate anyone who dared even look at Yoh. He would have loved to introduce Yoh to Daito-san as his partner.

But…

"Would you like some tea, Segasaki-kun?"

Mizuki faces her with his friendly smile. "It would be my pleasure, Tanada-san."

Before he can help her with the dishes, she shoots him with a look and proceeds to handle everything herself. Mizuki almost wants to laugh; Yoh has never done that for anyone. Even when Kanami went to their house, it was Mizuki who handled the hospitality. Despite Yoh's independence, he hadn't inherited his mother's steadfast nature, and even if he's the one who does the housework, it took a few months for him to get good at it. How had Yoh lived with himself during university? Maybe the Tanada family had spoiled him too much.

Which is fine, honestly. Mizuki gets it. He loves spoiling Yoh, too.

As he sits waiting, the rest of the siblings come out of their rooms with Yoh in tow. Yoh looks a bit more presentable outside of his usual hoodie and sweatpants, which Mizuki assumes was rectified by one of the sisters. They're all chattering happily, while it's Yoh who keeps looking back at Mizuki with worry in his eyes. Does he think that he won't be able to handle their mother? Mizuki had dealt with enough people in his life. He just smiles at them, and Sumire bows apologetically at him.

"Sorry, Segasaki-kun! We'll steal Yoh-chan for a bit today!"

"No, no! Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Please, enjoy yourselves."

"Kaa-chan, don't threaten him too much!"

"Mika-nee!"

Mizuki hears their mother laugh from the kitchen. "I wouldn't dare."

The siblings all bid them goodbye, with Yoh literally being pushed out by Mika and Kaede as soon as they put on their shoes. Their voices muffle as the door closes, and quiet down as they become even more distant. Finally, as the gate closes, any trace of their laughter lingers as echoes in the large house, feeling emptier with each passing moment.

It's odd, he thinks, how well the noise fits the house. The house is larger without them, and the quietness is reminiscent of Yoh's absence when he would go to the store by himself, while Mizuki is left to wait for him. It's a strange luxury.

"Segasaki-kun."

Tanada-san sets the tray of tea in front of him, and Mizuki smiles at her. "Thank you."

"My apologies for my children," She says. "They've always been that way, but they're pretty happy to see Yoh come back after a while. He hasn't visited since leaving high school, and that was the same time that Sumire went abroad. Well, unlike his older sister, he barely calls us, so it also feels as if he went abroad himself."

Mizuki bursts into laughter. Tanada-san takes it lightly as she, too, laughs with Mizuki. "I already see it. Yoh-kun is just as much of a scatterbrain at our apartment."

He picks his words carefully, being cordial but not too overly familiar. Unlike Yoh, Mizuki already feels that their mother, and to some extent the sisters, know more than they let on, but he still keeps it casual, unsure of how she will react to anything Mizuki says. No matter how happy and welcoming they look, there's bound to be a lie underneath that skin when things go awry. Mizuki lives in it. There's no way he should risk it now.

But Tanada-san doesn't convey anything that implies some form of disapproval. Somehow, that makes Mizuki even more unsettled. He watches her drink her tea, smiling gently into the cup.

"I did miss Yoh, too. But I'm happy to see that he's doing well for himself." She beams at Mizuki, looking genuinely thankful. "I was worried about him leaving the nest."

"He's capable of himself, but he did need a lot of help," Mizuki replies truthfully. "His cooking still needs some work, though."

"He's still not good at it, is he? He tried making his own lunch once. It was messy, to put it lightly."

She laughs, covering her mouth with her fingertips. Mizuki offers her a smile in return. Yoh had cooked many things since living with him; what did he try to make before making that curry? There's so much he wants to know, but Mizuki doesn't know if he's allowed to.

As much as Yoh wanted Mizuki with him back home, he's still a guest, and he's already treading the line, not wanting to overstep.

They don't know what they're like back in Tokyo. They don't know just how much Yoh submits himself to Mizuki. They don't know how much Mizuki takes from Yoh.

"I'm glad you're there to help him, Segasaki-kun," She says. "Even with his sisters around, he was still a very solitary kid. The fact that he chose you must mean a lot to him."

Mizuki looks down, struck by the heaviness of those words. "I wouldn't say 'choosing' is correct."

She shakes her head. "That's Yoh-chan letting himself be swept away again. It's one of his biggest problems. He rarely commits to anything, so I really was worried when he suddenly told us he wanted to study in Tokyo."

That's news to Mizuki. Was he that quiet in front of his family? He doesn't find any reason for Yoh to hide anything from them, not with how he carries himself around them. It's not that Yoh is fickle… sure, he might be thoughtless a lot of the time, but it's precisely because of that nature that his determination is stronger than Mizuki sometimes thinks. He looks at his reflection in his teacup, almost surprised at just how tense the furrow in his brow is.

"Well, except for drawing, that is." Tanada-san takes a sip of her tea, looking in the distance. "And choosing to stay with you. That's enough of a difficult choice for someone like Yoh-chan. Didn't you have to make a difficult choice for yourself, too?"

Mizuki looks up at her, his face stiff despite how hard he tries to relax himself, as if he had forgotten what it's like to put up the mask he had so expertly put on every day. He tries to smile.

"I wouldn't say difficult," He says honestly. "Just the fact that choosing was even a possible option for me at all."

Because there was no one else. Would they understand if they knew what he was like before he met Yoh? Would they understand the breath he took when he finally realized what it was that he felt for Yoh?

These are people who are surrounded by love. Why Yoh thought he could freely fly from his cage without thinking that Mizuki would be looking for him, despite knowing he'd still return. Mizuki had come to realize the difference in their selfishness.

Yoh is Mizuki's oasis. But he couldn't possibly know that.

Realizing what he had said, Mizuki takes a sip of his tea as Tanada-san looks at him, avoiding her gaze.

"It's just nice to see Yoh with his sisters again. See what he's like with his family." He adds, trying (and failing) to hide the desperation in his voice. "I'm glad that he has such a kind and loving mother like you. I think I understand him just a bit more."

Tanada-san leans back on her chair. "I'm glad to see that you understand." She says. "Yoh will be an uncle soon, after all."

Mizuki freezes. "You mean…?"

She nods, as if she were relaying news of the supermarket sale. "Yes. Sumire is pregnant. She's taking her siblings out to tell them the news. It's why she asked to reunite in the first place."

That's… great news. But Mizuki is unable to stop the confusion from etching itself on his face.

"I am not family," Mizuki replies quietly. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You tell me you understand, but this is foreign to you, isn't it, Segasaki-kun?"

Mizuki's breath hitches as he looks at her blankly. "…What?"

He almost wants to laugh. She… doesn't sound threatening at all, but her tone makes something unpleasant churn in Mizuki's gut, as if he'd been seen through a one-way glass.

"Understanding is merely one part of a whole. If push comes to shove, how can I trust that what you will do will be the best for both of you?"

The morning sun is almost cruel in how it beautifully illuminates the dining room. Her gaze is strangely sympathetic, knowing, and fully curious without judgment. The coldness of every breakfast conversation from then, until now, permeates into his skin, as warm as its light blankets over them.

"Love is not merely one thing." She remarks. "It is heartache and effort. Choosing to do what's right instead of choosing what is easy."

The silence is suffocating. Her words practically confirm what they've been dancing around, so what point is there in hiding?

Except, this is not Mizuki at 15, interrogated by adult figures who care more about appearances and opulence worth bragging about. He's not holding polished silverware, and he's not sitting at immaculate dining tables draped with lace that are only brought out once to appease prying guests. Here, Mizuki sits at a worn wooden table, its evident scratches showing extensive use and age by the family that once lived here, having been asked by the mother of the love of his life whether being with her son is the right choice in a world that will never properly welcome them.

…A proper mother would want to know what kind of person is dating their child. Even more so if that person is of the same sex. Mizuki isn't stupid enough to think that they hadn't pursued a turbulent path. They can act like the world they have made for themselves can be the only thing they need, but such idealistic notions of love are ambivalent if Mizuki ever wants their relationship to be taken seriously, especially in front of Yoh's mother.

"I know that firsthand." Mizuki starts. His cup of tea is cooling in his hands, watching the debris of leaves swirl at the bottom of the cup. "Of course, it wasn't easy at first. Yoh and I… to say that we misunderstood each other would be an understatement. What we went through certainly wasn't easy, to say the least."

Mizuki faces her, words and conviction firm. He knows he's saying things that he can never take back. "If you'd allow me to apologize, Tanada-san. There were things I have done that I'm not proud of. Yoh and I have hurt each other, and there's no guarantee that I wouldn't be able to hurt him in the future, either."

Tanada-san only looks at him in return, undisruptive and completely attentive, absent of any opinion she may have for Mizuki's relationship with her son. Mizuki holds her gaze, devoid of his facade and the lies he had kept up for his and Yoh's sakes. What good would it do to keep up with appearances now?

Mizuki had vowed, back then. He is not his parents. Will never be.

"But if you had to ask me if I could exchange this for something easier… I would never. I would keep choosing Yoh again and again, no matter how hard it gets. Because loving him is worth it."

Perhaps, when he was disillusioned with the idea that he would turn out exactly like his parents, he would have been content with being alone. He's not one to delude himself in romanticism if he knew that it would never serve him well. But life rarely ever functions that way, doesn't it?

He would have laughed at such sentimentality when he was younger. He would have laughed at his words now, freely admitting the love he has for Yoh, unwavering in his belief.

"And I know he feels the same for me, too. I'm sorry, but you are wrong, Tanada-san. Yoh isn't as volatile as you think he is. Even he knows being with me isn't easy… and yet he had pushed himself hard enough to feel worthy of me. To be someone proud standing next to me."

He finds himself bitterly smiling at the memory of those nights when he had no choice but to watch Yoh grovel on his knees every night to make his career work. As much as Mizuki wanted Yoh to stop clawing so hard on the journey upwards, he knows he has no right to strip him of his dreams. He'd already seen the damage of that presumption, and he would rather pick up the pieces of his shattered ego than deal with the fear of disappearance ever again.

Because that's how Yoh shows his love to Mizuki.

"Oh my," Tanada-san chuckles softly. Mizuki clenches his fist. "Yoh has done that, too?"

Mizuki nods, forcing back the smile on his face from stretching fully. Tanada-san only seems to look at Mizuki admiringly, hearing something they never would have expected from her son.

"That's why I know exactly what this means for us."

Mizuki stands. What he's doing is unprecedented for someone like him, and not once has he ever felt guilty, nor has he ever tried to explain himself to anyone. The only person he would ever kneel to and beg for forgiveness is Yoh himself, and he would throw his pride away if it meant that he could have him for the rest of his life.

Closing his eyes, Mizuki bows in front of Tanada-san. I'm sorry, he wants to say, genuinely. I'm sorry for taking Yoh away from you, but I am selfish, and I will never let him go.

"Even if I have to plead with you,"

—Mizuki is the roaring waves that had drifted Yoh away from his safety and familiarity. If he were crueler, he would have stopped Yoh from returning to his family, knowing that he was bringing him back to something he had once left behind.

"—Please, let me have Yoh." Mizuki declares. "And I promise I will take care of him."

But if Yoh did truly, unequivocally, choose to be with Mizuki, then Mizuki will cherish this decision. If he has to make a fool of himself to prove that, then so be it.

He knows the hardships that come with this relationship. Even if Mizuki can say that he has a good career and can easily provide for both of them, this isn't something that is merely solved with simple reassurances. He had resolved that he would live separately from his own family, but he knew that Yoh was different. He, who still deems his mother and sisters important enough to bring Mizuki to meet them. Mizuki can never give Yoh a family.

And Yoh knows that, too. 

He keeps himself still for a few seconds, prepared for rejection and to leave soon if they need to. But—

"Raise your head, Mizuki-kun."

—A relieved chuckle falls from her mouth as Mizuki raises his body, and with her gentle fingers wrapping around his hand, he is pulled back down to his chair.

Her eyes are glassy with unshed tears, her lips stretched in a smile so wide it lines her face with happy wrinkles, shocking him into silence and earning him another laugh from Tanada-san. She closes his cold fist with her warm palms, thawing his rigid heart in ways he hadn't known were still possible since meeting Yoh.

"I am glad that Yoh chose you."

He would have been enough, and yet—

"Truly?"

"Yes."

Mizuki stares at her. Could it be that simple, really? It wouldn't undo the years of loneliness he had resigned himself to, and it doesn't quite dispel the anxiety of his relationship with Yoh that easily.

"Whoever Yoh has accepted, we accept, too," She says simply. "You have a family in us. No need to beg, yes?"

But so long had he spent thinking that he would never have a place in his world. He had tried so hard to protect what he had with Yoh, after all. He could still taste the salt and rain that he devoured from Yoh's lips, grounding both of them into Mizuki's reality and the promise he had made for both of them.

And yet, the sheer simplicity of this acceptance is almost refreshing. Maybe this is what he'd been fighting for all along.

He grasps her hand in return, hoping that she doesn't feel the tremble in his fingers. Her smile does not falter.

"I'll remember that, Tanada-san."

"Ah, ah!" She tuts. A blessing. "That's kaa-chan to you."

Mizuki laughs, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

"Of course."

-

Mizuki spent the better part of the day going through Tanada-san's memories of Yoh, even taking out dusty albums for Mizuki to look at while she reminisced about the early days of her son, still trying to navigate the world with his older sisters.

"This was an adorable shirt on him," she said, running her fingers over the fading photograph. Yoh's cheeks were puffy, and he was wearing a cute pout, and his white shirt was adorned with frills on the collar. The siblings were all huddled together, smiling, but Yoh looked fresh from crying, the glare of the camera's flash catching on the tear tracks on his face.

"He cried so much when we ran out of cake. He wouldn't be able to finish it by himself even if he tried! But I guess I just wanted just as much cake as his sisters had. He always did want to catch up with them."

Mizuki stared at the photograph with an indescribable ache in his chest, wanting to lock this image away in the recesses of his memories. Did he know this little crybaby had saved him?

"He'd always been a nibbler, wasn't he?" Mizuki said, echoing the words he had told Yoh during that beautiful night, when he had stopped expecting anything, only for Yoh to prove that maybe celebrating the day he was born was worth it, in the end.

Tanada-san laughs. "Yes, he was."

They talked so pleasantly that Mizuki thought that he might have wasted her time with small talk, but Tanada-san didn't seem to mind every minute of it, talking Mizuki's ear off about stories of Yoh with his sisters, or the few moments Yoh got to participate in school extracurriculars. Mizuki tried as hard as he could to memorize every detail, determined to carry the memories of Yoh's past, no matter how heavy it would be for his heart to hold. Maybe someday, Yoh would recall these moments from his own mouth, and welcome Mizuki into those parts of him with ease.

Perhaps, someday, for me…

It's when the world around him is bathed in gold that the Tanada siblings finally arrive home, with Mizuki having already prepared his and Yoh's luggage for their departure. It's abrupt, and he finds himself longing to stay, but he still needs to return to work tomorrow, and while he's pretty much the golden child of Everyday Weather, he's not so cruel as to leave his coworkers to scramble without him. (As much as he wants to.)

The siblings, except for Sumire, all seem to have puffy eyes, the redness around the rims still considerably fresh. Mizuki decides to ignore the observation, especially for Yoh, who carries a lighter demeanor than when he first arrived home. The news went well, Mizuki guesses.

It's a flurry of goodbyes as Mizuki reminds Yoh of their train ticket home, hiding both the fondness and the irritation for his decision to come back way later. He would scold him for another time. Not in front of his family, anyway. He plasters on his professional, easy-going smile like he always does, and notices how the muscles on his face don't feel as stiff as when he puts it on in front of the cameras back in the office.

They're basically stuck by the gate as Mika and Kaede hound Yoh, dramatically crying as they say their goodbyes to their baby brother. Yoh has given up pulling the women away from him, and Mizuki can only smile, refusing to help Yoh at all. He very much ignores Yoh's silent cry for help when he pouts at him.

"You'd better answer your phone more!"

"And we'll meet again soon!"

Yoh sighs. "Yeah, sorry we can't stay longer. It's a pretty busy time for us, so…"

"Don't worry about it, Yoh. I'll come back sometime later this year. I'm bringing my husband with me, too!"

Mizuki catches the implications in Sumire's promise. Did they discuss something else during their time together?

Yoh gives her a wide smile, nodding at Sumire. "Okay…!"

Sumire makes it a point to include Mizuki, too, as she squeezes his shoulder and practically coerces their hospitality on him even as they're about to leave. "Don't be a stranger, Segasaki-san!" She says, patting him on the back. "Come back with us, too, if you can!"

"Of course," Mizuki bows slightly. "I'd be happy to return."

When Yoh opens the gate, he catches the slightest bit of apprehension. Would he be able to tell that Mizuki shares the sentiment instead? He understands what he's leaving behind, now.

Still, he pushes forward and looks at Mizuki expectantly, smiling when Mizuki follows suit.

They're still going back to where he feels he truly belongs.

Facing them one last time, Mizuki spots Mika and Kaede staring at them, a knowing look that Mizuki can only guess is the understanding of what he really is to Yoh. Mizuki only stares back, wanting to challenge them if they have something to say to him, all while Sumire looks like she's about to burst into laughter with the way she's biting her cheek.

Mika points, jabbing her index finger in front of Mizuki's face. "If you try to hurt Yoh, you'll definitely be on our hit list."

It's poor effort, since Sumire cackles anyway.

Yoh, exasperated, tries to put down Mika's hand. "Can you please not threaten him?"

Yes, it's all just so simple. He never had to hide. He never had to beg, either. It isn't easy, but knowing what he has now, it's all so worth it, in the end.

Mizuki wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

He offers Mika a smile. "I'll keep that in mind."

Yoh gawks at him, and Mizuki, too, laughs.

-

Mizuki dreams.

Mizuki dreams of being smaller, shorter, and more vulnerable. He dreams, clutching a newly purchased weather book as his only proof of his mother's memory, wondering if its hard cover and glossy pages would be enough to replace the warmth of their skin. He wonders if he can still remember what their touch is like, without the constant tinkle of bracelets and watches pressing against him before that warmth leaves him again, leaving only a ghost and a dying expectation of this house to resemble a shape he once longed for.

Mizuki dreams of those pages wearing down every time he opens his book, trying to chase the remnants of those touches and words and finding that he can remember them as well as the graying letters and fading pictures of clouds, losing more and more of them each time he tries to get close.

Mizuki dreams of the sky, craning his neck up to the image of those fluffiness dragging slowly across the blue canvas, with not one shape the same, yet their patterns consistent and constant despite it.

Mizuki dreams of the exhaustion of chasing what he doesn't have, moving past his grief and refusing to mourn what this world will never give him, navigating his life with distance from everyone else, because it's easier than dealing with anyone who will never see him for who he is.

-

And Mizuki dreams of a hesitant, gentle embrace as he clutches his worn-down book in his chest, refusing to come to terms with the fear of being seen so perversely, only to melt against that touch because he knows what it feels like to really, truly, breathe. He smells like shampoo and laundry and the lingering perfume that had transferred from his dress shirt, and maybe there is something still worth protecting. Still worth loving. Because he can bare his teeth and snarl and skin away the very worst parts of himself, and he'd still be there to stay, no matter how much Mizuki had weaponized his vulnerability in fear.

He's there. Mizuki loves Yoh for everything that he is, and he's willing to take the worst parts all for himself. And Yoh's still there. And maybe that's all that matters.

-

"…—Mizuki-san. We're getting there soon."

Mizuki wakes up to cold, fluorescent lights and the night sky framed by the metal windows of the train.

Yoh shakes his shoulders. When Mizuki lifts his head, he smiles at him, and Yoh returns to staring outside. Mizuki doesn't know what he's thinking about. He grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers together.

Yoh's head snaps to him, a light pink already dusting his cheeks. He doesn't pull away.

Perhaps, finally finding the right moment, he opens his mouth.

"…What did you and Kaa-chan talk about?"

Mizuki pauses and thinks as he stares outside, too. About her stories. About her gentleness. About her acceptance of them, even if Mizuki was prepared to burn it all so he could have Yoh, regardless. He looks at Yoh, his smile genuine and pulled up from the very bottom of his heart, and bears what it means to be freely chosen and loved.

"I promised her that I'll take care of her son for the rest of my life."

Yoh's eyes widen. Mizuki squeezes his hand, already feeling the sweat and the coldness on his skin.

His heart skips a beat when Yoh squeezes back.

"…And that I call her 'kaa-chan', too."

Yoh's expression wavers. His wide eyes shine with tears, and he blinks them away, not wanting to cry in public.

And maybe this is what it means to be happy.

Mizuki feels the relief, and Yoh laughs in bewilderment, clearly confused about what to do next. Still, he doesn't pull away from Mizuki despite the shyness under his warm smile, the joy on Yoh's face pulling into a funny grimace as he struggles to push back the tears.

"I… If you'll… have me… Then, gladly."

Mizuki didn't know it was possible to be this happy. He didn't know that such unbridled joy could somehow show itself in a train cart on the way back home. He didn't know that it was possible to mourn from the sheer happiness of one moment, knowing that it would disappear just as quickly in the blink of an eye.

But he's grounded, here, by Yoh's hand, grasping him so tightly that he's digging his nails into his skin. Maybe Mizuki wants an indent of that to last forever, to remind him of his moment.

"I'm happy it turned out well."

It sounds so much like a proposal that Mizuki silently promises that he'll buy a ring for Yoh when they get home. Maybe. Maybe someday, it will all be tangible.

The evening scenery flies by them, merging into something more familiar. Yet Mizuki keeps his eyes on Yoh, knowing that there's no place he'd rather be but by his side.

"Thank you for taking me home, Yoh."