Chapter Text
"Hello Rizzlers!"
Dokja grinned as he watched his fans flooding in as soon as he started the live.
- OMG Caught this diva live!!! Never thought it'd happen
- Kim Dokja, can we honestly date? You're so freaking pretty, I love you
|_ - Dude chill bruh
- How's it going???
- Dokja, look behind you !
Dokja read the comment with furrowed eyebrows. "Look... Behind me?"
He slowly turned around, and as expected, saw nothing behind him.
But he decided to act nonetheless, so he just jumped up, shouting and holding his chest and pretending to gasp.
- damn 😂 peak sense of humour
- when someone asks why I love Dokja, this is exactly why
With a mischievous grin, Dokja sat back in his chair.
He said, "Hello to you all. I suppose y'all must be wondering why I started the livestream? It's, like, nearly 10 p.m. right now. For me, at least. But I am here, and that's because sleep is far from my eyes, and I want to watch a new series or Kdrama or something, in hopes that I'll get sleepy."
- don't make that mistake bro, if you get too invested, you'll end up binge watching, and by the time you know it, it'll be morning and time for you to school
Dokja read the comment, then said, "That comment can't influence me because I can't read. Also, thank you for the concern, mskittycat, but I am self sacrifical, so... Yeah."
- watch Zombie Stage
"Hmm? Zombie Stage? What's that? Is it something horror? I actually have a love-hate relationship with horror, but right now, I wish to get at least some sleep later, so I'm not watching that."
And then he watched amusedly as Rizzlers started writing essays upon essays in the comment section, about how Zombie Stage was not horror 'in the traditional sense', but a 'horror because it shows how humans are the actual horror of the world' and 'a sharp critique of the idol world', and 'excels at making the viewers uncomfortable and that is its genius', and a lot more, but he wasn't able to read everything because of the rapid arrival of new comments.
- watch Obsession
Dokja smiled, then said, "No no no no no! Don't Do That! Okay, sorry, that was very bad. Anyways. Like I said, I want to actually get some sleep at night. I don't want to look at my coat rack in the corner in the middle of night and piss my pants thinking someone is standing there. It's on my watchlist, but not right now."
And then one comment caught his eye.
- there's this short animated series on YT, 'Forget Me Not', and it was made as a project by some students of a drama school, and the voice of the main character is so fucking hot but also so yearning at the same time, and the voice acting is peak, top tier, the emotions nearly made me cry, the VA's name is Yoo...
He wasn't able to read the full comment because it floated away because of many new comments arriving, but he devolved into thoughts.
'Yoo', huh?
Was this surname ever going to leave him alone?
... Well, it wasn't like there existed only one person in the entire universe with that surname. It was a fairly common last name.
It must be some random person.
But the name of the series also caught his attention.
'Forget Me Not'. Was it going to be angst?
... Well, the commenter did say 'the emotions nearly made me cry', so probably yes.
It kind of resonated with himself, too.
He was far from his friends and family, and he also didn't want to be forgotten.
He sighed.
Thus, he found himself saying, "What is... Forget Me Not... about?"
And immediately, his chat began getting flooded again.
- It's actually a story about Hanahaki disease, but it's an au, where if you're convinced that your loved ones do not love you, you catch the disease and cough up bloodied Forget-Me-Nots, and it doesn't matter whether or not they love you, your perception is what brings on the disease... And this can be only cured when you actually start believing from the deepest part of your subconscious that they really love you, and till you don't get completely recovered, even a semblance of doubt in your mind or fake conviction and belief will revert all the progress and actually worsen your condition
Dokja's eyebrows raised and he blinked.
This was really... This was somehow angstier than the original concept.
Because once an idea gets planted in your head... Especially a negative one... It takes hold quite like nothing else.
It becomes incurable, and once you start doubting something, it's impossible to truly be convinced of its contrary from the deepest part of you.
So, if someone believed they're not loved, even if they find out that their love is reciprocated, they would only be able to question it and themself.
"How... And why did someone come up with such a sad idea?" He found himself saying. "Some sort of catharsis? This is actually so... Even before watching the series, the idea alone is so heartbreaking. Imagine the person you love secretly loves you too, but doesn't have the courage to reassure you, or perhaps doesn't even know that you are doubting your worth in their eyes... And you slowly wither away because you are convinced there's no way that person loves you. ... So, then... Is there the option for surgical removal of the flowers here as well?"
- This au took even the surgical aspect to a whole different level... It's that because the flowers inside you are Forget-Me-Nots, they're telling you not to forget your love, but if they're removed, you actually lose all memories, every single one, of the person you loved... It's not just the love that's forgotten, it's the person too... And that's why it's even worse to get the surgery, especially if the person is very, very close to you
Dokja's eyes widened. "That's just... Cruel. Utterly. You're telling me that such a concept was taken up as a project by students of a drama school? Such angst could rival published authors. Given I haven't yet watched the actual storyline, the premise alone has me hooked. Well... Let's watch it then? If I cry and my eyes get lubricated, it'll be easier to sleep."
- 😂 anything to excuse crying
He typed 'Forget Me Not' in the YouTube searchbar, and the top results were...
Songs.
Of the same name.
By Laufey, by Enhypen, then a 2015 movie, then random shorts...
He turned to the comments for help.
- Type 'Forget Me Not Adyson Theatre School Project'
He took the advice and typed it into the search bar, then pressed enter.
There was a playlist with six videos, and each was five minutes long.
Dokja stared at the comments in surprise.
"It's only thirty minutes and it made y'all cry? AND it has such a profound concept?"
- the storyline and premise was written by the students' friend, who wrote it as practice and for free... She's a literature student, wanting to pursue writing
Dokja quirked an eyebrow. "You all know a lot about the cast, and even the friend, it seems. Anyways... Let's start."
...
Thirty minutes later, Dokja was not the same person he was, a while ago.
As the credits began rolling over a background of bloodied Forget-Me-Not petals lying on the floor, with the song 'The Night We Met' - a song about wanting to go back to the start to undo the moment you fell in love - playing like a broken audio, Dokja just sat there, his palms pressed to his eyes, his back hunched in his chair.
He took a deep breath, sighed heavily, then sat straight and paused the video.
"Probably should have gone with Zombie Stage", he muttered, his voice cracking in the middle.
- omg Dokja are you crying???
- don't be sad bby it's fictional
"Just because it's fictional doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."
- damn
- it's okay, let it all out, crying is good for the health
- DOKJA AWWWWH
- I feel like a mother watching her baby cry, he looks so pitiful with his shiny eyes and red nose and cheeks
Dokja wiped his eyes away and sniffled.
- turn that frown upside down, friend
Dokja huffed, somewhat amused that his fans were using words he once said against himself
"I had clearly underestimated the angst I was going to be hit with."
This especially hurt him so much because it touched on his insecurities.
In the first place, he was in a place with no loved ones.
Secondly, the premise...
It touched on the fear that often kept him up at night in his old life.
That no one actually loved him.
He started with a doubt, thinking that he was too extra for anyone to handle, and then he started doing distasteful things to feel attention, and as a consequence, would again feel he was doing too much.
It was a self-sustaining loop of self loathing.
Whenever he committed a bad deed, one of the consequences would be him immediately thinking he was the most detested creature on the planet.
And it would actually be logical.
Perhaps this was why the story really messed up with his mind.
Because he knew that as much as he might try to pretend he was fine, that he needed no one else for himself, that he himself was all he was interested in, he actually craved love and affection, and feared that he deserved to be hated.
Every time he read about a character questioning the reader Kim Dokja because he didn't behave like Dokja, he would read with bated breath to be told that his old habits and actions were despicable, that he was extremely disliked earlier, and that this change was welcome.
If he was in the Forget-Me-Not universe, he'd die simply because he found himself inadequate and undeserving of love, no matter how much anyone convinced him they loved him or how he convinced himself he loved himself.
When he realised he had zoned out and been staring at his webcam for too long, he turned to the comments.
- finally he's back to earth
- who hurt u bbg??
- wanna rant?
Dokja let out a shaky exhale of breath, then chuckled. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to get this emotional... It's just... Sometimes... I don't know. Life is sometimes such that... You start wondering... Was the love ever... Genuine?"
- don't go down that lane, bro... You saw what happened in the story, and even in reality, self-loathing is a dangerous well to fall in
"I get it, I know. I don't seriously mean anything, there's just... Moments of doubt. Introspection... I think... What was I doing? Everyone hated me for that, didn't they?"
- it's actually surreal, seeing Dokja so sentimental, especially when you compare it to his usual chaotic self
Dokja shrugged and smiled slightly. "I mean, I'm not entirely a clown, you know? And as for the story... I'm actually in awe with the storywriter. Like... She really made a masterpiece of thirty minutes, And as practice... And as a project... And the students who made the project... Hats off to them. I just realised we never came to know the main character's name, and yet we feel for him so hard."
- I think that's a reason why the mc was nameless... So that the viewer could place themselves in his shoes and feel it
"Hmm, that makes sense. Very much, actually. Really, it hurt so much more when you realise from a non-biased view, just how much Ruby and all his friends loved him so much. And the voice acting was extremely top-tier. That's literally what sold the story. It would not have been so emotional had the students not properly done their job. Clap clap for them all. Oh, but the ending was kind of ambiguous, don't you agree? It seemed like one of those feint things. Like, the mc is dead! But not really!"
- yeah, the open ending is the only thing that left some hope... I was like, "I'll pretend that he comes back, something happened, now they're all together"
"I won't be surprised if there are fix-it fanfics for this. But then again, it has surprisingly less views. Guys, it deserves lots of love. Go and rewatch it after my live! Okay, maybe not right after, but tomorrow, maybe. And well, now that we're talking about open endings, let's talk about the death feint too. So, I was recently reading a book, and it has, like, book one has a 'heavily hinting at part two' kind of ending. I'm not giving a spoiler alert because I'm not telling you the book, so don't yell at me for that. At the end of book one, the main character 'dies'. The whole book was from his pov, and suddenly it shifts to his best friend's. She and his friends, his family, everyone is completely grieved for him, and the final scene is his best friend talking to his grave alone, after which she walks away. And the last line hints that he knows the love he has because he knows the grief he received, and he'll be forever guilty for hurting them this way and that nothing he can do will reverse the pain he caused them. Now, this is almost a guarantee that there will be a book two, where he pops up after some long time skip and goes, 'I had to fake my death out of necessity' and then they all reunite and shit. Now, what I wanted to ask was this: Do you all prefer the trope where the mc pretends to die and goes to hiding while those close to him actually know that he's alive because he told them beforehand, or do you prefer that the mc pretends to die and not a single soul knows, and suddenly he pops up like 'hello bishes I'm back!'?"
- Dokja is back to his usual self, respect
- personally speaking, I like the no one knows trope more ... It shows the loyalty of other characters, and how much the person actually meant to them, and especially, IT'S ANGST!!!! Plus, there's always that one character who believes that mc just canNOT have died so easily
Dokja nodded. "I also actually prefer that one. Like, it actually gives such interesting reactions when the main character returns back. In real life, if it was someone close to me, and they died and I later found out they actually hadn't and lied to us, I'll make sure they're really dead this time, but in fiction, it's definitely the no one knows trope."
After that, they decided to talk about some more literary tropes, and it seemed Dokja's spirit had been uplifted.
Just before ending the live, he said, "By the way, what is the name of the VA of the main character in Forget Me Not?"
- Yoo Joonghyuk
Dokja's eyes widened.
For a second, he wondered if he read the name correctly, or if it was just an illusion.
But as the name sat mockingly on the screen, unchanging, he realised what he was.
Doomed.