Chapter Text
day 1: magazine spread / new beginnings
She was miserable.
To say Lucy was merely moping around would be an understatement. She hadn’t left her apartment all day, refusing to take her blanket off from where it sat around her shoulders, and had locked every single window she could. At one point, she contemplated glueing them shut.
She picked up another piece of candy, graciously gifted from Levy, and ate it in one bite. The sour flavor coated her tongue. It was a welcome distraction from the hollow void in her chest.
Lucy itched her puffy, sore eyes and tried to refocus her attention on the Sorcerer Weekly article she was currently reading: He Doesn’t Like You? Five Tips on How to Move On.
It was stupid, she knew it was, she had worked for Sorcerer Weekly, after all, and knew what was quality content and what was the magazine’s form of shitty life tips that wouldn’t actually help her, but she couldn’t resist. Her heart ached, searching for any small amount of comfort it could find, no matter what form it was in.
Tip 1: Block All Forms of Contact
He doesn’t like you? Block access to yourself. Whether that be changing your routine, such as your work schedule, or changing the café you frequent, don’t give him any form of access to you.
Lucy huffed a humourless laugh, glancing at her locked windows. It was the closest thing she could do, at the moment. The article continued:
Don’t answer the Lacrima if he rings. In order to move on, you must force your brain to forget him. Preventing forced encounters, chance run-ins, and having the strength to put down the Lacrima will teach your brain you’re okay alone, and can move on.
She furrowed her eyebrows. She couldn’t really do any of that, really, even if she tried – they were both still Fairy Tail members, after all, and despite her current misery, she wasn’t going to give that up. They were no doubt going to see one another. They were partners, and on the same team, for Heaven’s sake. That simple reminder made her moan, putting her head in her hands.
God, she had really messed up.
Tip 2: Focus on your Hobbies
In order to fully forget about a man, you have to force your brain onto something new. Focusing on hobbies will not only fill your time, but also helps you focus on yourself. Find a new one, if you can. Take up journaling. Take up sewing. Take up anything that forces your attention, Reconnecting with your inner self is pivotal towards healing from rejection.
Lucy glanced at the wrappers of candies. Does melancholic binge-eating count? She wondered. Sighing, she made a promise to try and write a new chapter of her novel tonight. For now, she turned the page of the magazine.
Tip 3: Stop Ideallizing Him
He’s not that great. He’s a man, after all. Realize you’re the true prize. You deserve someone who returns your feelings, and goes as far to validate how you’re feeling, too. Don’t idealize what never happened – start idealizing you, and how great you are.
Lucy smiled a little at the end of the passage – she was great. She’s a kick-ass mage, had saved the world and her friends many times, and was deeply passionate about the things and people that mattered to her. She was dedicated to her craft of writing, and had even made a career out of it, for a little while. She was hot, for God’s sake. She was awesome.
But as her eyes flicked to the first part of the passage, her heart dropped. Because Natsu was great, too. She never had idealized him or his good heart – he simply was that. Good.
In every sense of the word, Natsu was good. Amazing, even. She felt a lump form in her throat – the article may be true for every other crummy man in Earthland, but she knew Natsu was different. He was her best friend, after all. She knew his words, his promises, his actions – he meant every single one of them. Whatever he said or did, he meant fully and truly. It wasn’t just a part of himself, an admirable trait; it was his entire being.
Lucy felt tears drip down her cheeks, watching them fall onto her copy of Sorcerer Weekly. It wasn’t worth trying to even tell herself that he wasn’t amazing; she would not only be lying, but it would discredit how much impact he’d had on her life. How without him, Lucy would be alone. How without him, she’s certain she’d still be searching for a home.
Choking back the lump in her throat, she continued on reading.
Tip 4: Do Not Remain Friends
She didn’t even bother reading the rest. Lucy threw the magazine away from her on the bed, and sobbed. Because despite her pain, and anger, and embarrassment, she’d never not want to be Natsu’s best friend – his teammate, his partner. For the past few years of her life, they’d revolved around one another, similar to the gravitational pull of two planets orbiting. It felt inevitable they’d be inseparable, like it was in the stars, like it was fate they’d always be together.
He promised, after all.
And Lucy ruined it.
She curled around herself. She didn’t care about how she’d lost count of how many times she cried, and didn’t care about how she was most definitely disturbing her neighbors. She only cared about how much it hurt.
She only cared about her heart shattering as he let her down, rather gently.
“What do you mean, go on a date? Why’d we do that, weirdo?”
“Because,” she stuttered, “I want to.”
He tilted his head, confusion clear in his eyes. “What are we doing now?”
She wanted to scream. She settled for, “We’re friends. Going out to eat as friends.”
He ruffled her hair, grinning. “Good enough for me.”
It was so confusing, so damn infuriating how quickly he had brushed her off, how quickly he was able to move on, talking about stupid nonsense regarding Erza and Gray and stupid, stupid things like how he’s pretty sure he could beat Laxus now. Lucy had sat in shock for a good amount of time before she had left dinner early, convinced she was going to cry if she had stayed a moment longer.
Because what did that even mean? Good enough for me?
When had anything truly just been good enough for Natsu? He was always striving to be better, to be more strong, to be more. Lucy didn’t think she’d ever heard the phrase good enough come from him before – if something, especially himself, didn’t measure up to what his personal standards were, it wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t good, period.
So if what they had was good enough, what was the point of anything more?
Was what they had truly good enough for either of them, if it wasn’t going to be more? They spent every day together, damn it, and Lucy had been so sure, so positive, that he had felt something more for her beyond friendship.
And to just settle for good enough?
She just…couldn’t. She couldn’t act like everything was normal, couldn’t act like she hadn’t taken a chance, thanks to Levy’s insistence. She couldn’t go back to just being Natsu and Lucy, the indivisible pair, not with her heart sitting in her chest, broken into bits. She couldn’t act like everything regarding what she had thought she knew about their relationship hadn’t morphed, changing into something unrecognizable.
Lucy still knew Natsu, of course. She knew his heart, and his motivations, and his bickering and his laughter. She was just lost in the haze of their relationship – in the confusing what-if’s and bewildering actions and words that led her to believe there was more. That if she was bold enough, and strong enough, and came outright and just said it to him, he’d say obviously, I like you too, weirdo.
Not good enough.
Despite her numerous late-nights spent wondering about this exact scenario and how it would play out, she never would have expected that response.
And somehow, that hurt more. Like maybe she never even knew him as well as she thought.
Like maybe they simply were just that: friends.
Lucy clutched the blankets between her fingers, her chest caving in on itself.
She couldn’t be that stupid, right?
But her heart and eyes ached, a testimony of the truth.
Maybe she was. Maybe she was just a foolish, young girl desperately in love with someone who didn’t love her back. Not in the way she desired, anyway.
It made her heart crack and crumble and really, she was convinced it couldn’t hurt anymore, yet it continued wrenching in her chest, forcing her breath. She hacked out an ugly, gutteral sob.
In hindsight, it was pathetic, really. Natsu loved all of his friends, had risked his life numerous times to save them, and had gone above and beyond to ensure their safety – why would Lucy be any different? She felt so foolish, so dumb, that she almost laughed. He had left her behind, after all. He was okay being apart for a year, while Lucy had spent every waking moment piecing together every kernel of information she had about his whereabouts.
Wiping her eyes, finally out of tears, Lucy forced herself to reach for the magazine. She had to know; she had never been one to not finish an article or book, no matter how much it frustrated her.
Tip 5: Date Around
Sometimes, if no matter what, you cannot forget the man who rejected you, it can be helpful to remind yourself and your brain that there’s more options out there. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, after all. It never hurts to explore, to show yourself you are deserving of love and reciprocation.
She threw the magazine again. Farther, this time, into the dark corner of her room.
Date around. Yeah, right.
She’d be lucky if she even found another person half as much as the one Natsu was – in their year apart, she’d met many men, and none had made her heart race the way Natsu had, nor had shown her love so carelessly she found herself breathless at the thought of it. If another Natsu existed, she wasn’t sure she’d want to meet him, anyways – she couldn’t stomach the thought of her heart breaking twice.
It doesn’t have to be another Natsu, a small voice in Lucy’s head whispered. It can be more. It can be beyond good enough.
She shoved the thought out of her mind. She couldn’t date right, not with her heart freshly torn and raw. She wasn’t sure she could date ever, now knowing the consequences of unrequited love.
If what they had was good enough, maybe Lucy could adapt to the feeling. Maybe she could shove her selfish desires far down enough to forget about them. Because possibly that is what she was being, wanting more: selfish. She could feel a hungry agony in her being, throbbing, saying more, more, more.
But maybe she could adapt to the void in her chest, the empty feeling where her heart rested. Maybe Lucy could learn to settle, the way she had to as a child.
Even as she thought it, she knew it wasn’t true. She hadn’t settled as a child, either — as soon as she could, she ran away. She didn’t want to run away, this time, but she knew she couldn’t stay in this limbo forever. She couldn’t stay stuck between more than friends and less than lovers, not forever.
No, maybe one day she’d move on. Maybe one day the ache in her chest won’t hurt as bad, and maybe she’d be able to look at Natsu and see just what he sees her as: a friend.
But even as she considered it, a small part of her doubted it’d ever be true.