Chapter Text
Shades of bright colours danced around the brightly lit room as the balloons hung freely in the hair, the tips touching the ceiling ever so slightly. The long rectangular table filled with cold and half-eaten food left abandoned, with only one end of the table being surrounded by a large company of young children and their loving mothers. Their loud clappings and voices shook the balloons as they sung the birthday song with much excitement, not caring that they were going out of tune. With the main star sitting ever so high and mighty on his chair, he gave no more than a nod when a tower cake was brought before him, allowing him to blow the seven candles out with all his might. More cheering and clapping ensued after.
With the cake being brought to the table, the children roared and jumped excitedly in place. "Open your presents!" they chanted endlessly. "Yeah, open them!"; "Open mine first!"
As if to please the children, one of the mothers came over with a large but manageable pile of boxes, all wrapped in bright and patterned wrapping paper, in various shapes and sizes. She placed them proudly on the table before the birthday boy, smiling expectantly.
The boy took his time unwrapping the presents, one by one. His first present turned out to be a rare, limited edition record of a foreign rock band, only ever growing in popularity. The other children gasped in amazement; it must have cost a fortune to pay for that record! Even their mothers were impressed.
The boy only stared at his new gift, the same blank expression remaining on his face. Granted, this was definitely something he had always wanted for the longest time, but his face showed otherwise. "Oh, thank you...," he said. "I love it."
"Do you really?" one of the children asked out of mere curiosity. "You don't look very happy." The others agreed.
"What are you talking about?" The birthday boy's mother, a tall, young lady with raven hair, stepped in, wrapping a loving arm around her litte boy. "He may not seem like it, but he's actually very, very happy. Right, Hanni?" She grinned as she turned back to her child.
Han simply nodded, his face still devoid of expression. "Yeah... I really do."
*six years later*
Ignoring the strong smell of incense lingering in the air, the large crowd of people endlessly blew their noses, pulling out tissue after tissue, mourning greatly over the loss of a loved one. With almost everyone dressed in formal black clothing, they were all lost in their devastation and grief, wailing about their regrets over and over again, and crying over how they would never be able to undo their mistakes. Behind them stood the less expressive ones, who only stayed in the corner with minimum pieces of tissue in their hand, sniffling quietly to themselves ever so often, mentally cursing themselves for their own mistakes. It was a room that didn't lack emotion.
Han stared at the casket before him, his eyes showing no sign of grief or sadness, not a single tear having been shed through his innocent preteen eyes. He could only watched as the people around him mourned and cried, not being able to do anything of his own.
"How come you seem so calm?" one of his aunts complained, hiding her wet and grotesque face behind her plump and large hands, not being able to face anyone else. "Your sweet and loving mother has just passed, and you don't seem to care at all!"
Han widened his eyes slightly, surprised at the sudden comment, and opened his mouth to object, only to be interrupted by the same person. "How could you do this to her, Park Han? She cared so much for you!" she let out a large, depressing wail, before being taken away by another relative, who was consoling her in the process. Han could only watch as she was moved out of his field of vision, playing her piercing words in his head over and over again.
Your sweet and loving mother has just passed, and you don't seem to care at all!
How could you do this to her!?
She cared so much for you!
Later that evening, when the event was coming to an end and most people had made their leave, Han sat alone in the corner, staring at the floor with the same cold and boring eyes, unsure of what to do. It wasn't until he sensed a presence nearby that he looked up, only to find a very familiar relative standing just before him, looking back at him with the same eyes he possessed.
The relative handed him a small box, in which the boy grabbed with his half delicate, half maturing hands. He carefully opened the lid, revealing a small yet exquisite charm, traditional but with intricate details. Complete with tiny jewels and sequins, it formed the shape of a guitar, an instrument Toru had always shown interest in, yet only known to his mother.
"Your mother left that for you," the relative explained. "She wanted you to have it."
But Han didn't need an explanation; he already knew that just by looking at the charm. It was something his mother had made herself; she killed time making various charms of her own when she was admitted to hospital. At that time she was already sick, but healthy enough to be moving and focused on her favourite hobby. But as time past, she grew even sicker and sicker, and soon she no longer had the energy to even lift a finger. She became weak and lost all her will to fight, so all she could do was lie in her bed and listened to the depressing groans of the dying patients in the same ward as her.
The only thing she didn't lose was her smile.
Han wanted to cry, but he couldn't.
"Let's go," the relative said rather quickly, before turning to make his leave. "It's getting late.”
*another six years later*
The train albeit crowded, was supposedly devoid of noise as the passengers paid no mind to one another, only occupying themselves with their own personal forms of entertainment such as a book or their mobile phones, minding their own business. For Han, who stood in the centre of the car, his own environment would have been quiet as well, if not for the music blasting loudly through his headphones. With the guitar riffs and a mashup of unintelligible English words screaming into his ears, the boy remained poker faced, staring into empty space as he waited patiently for the train to reach his destination. Meanwhile he struggled to keep his balance, his guitar charm dangling playfully from his backpack.
The train came to a sudden stop, with the robotic voice of a young lady echoing through the vehicle, announcing the name of their current location, "Seoul Station. Please mind the platform gap. Seoul Station."
It was a rather popular spot among locals and even tourists, so it was no surprise when more than half the capacity in the train alighted at the station, with no one boarding, leaving the train empty and refreshed. Han closed his eyes and allowed himself to take a deep breath; finally, indoor fresh air. No more smell of sticky sweat or cheap perfume. He should enjoy this moment while he still could.
As he opened his eyes, Han decided to take a look around the environment for the first time, wanting to see how the train looked like behind the crowd of people that had been there just moments earlier. He noticed quite a number of passengers who were fast asleep, either with their mouths left wide open with drool dripping from the side, or their limp bodies struggling to stay upright before they sway to the side and accidentally rest on the poor stranger beside them.
Some of these people could have missed their stops, the boy thought to himself with genuine concern. Perhaps I should try waking them up...?
Han mentally shook his head disapprovingly. No, that's too much trouble, he assured himself. Besides, that would be rude, and also pretty embarrassing if they hadn't missed their stop at all...
"Doors are closing...," the same robotic voice announced. Just as Han was about to close his eyes and return to his musical wonderland, meanwhile in the same car, another young man had just awoken from his deep slumber. He made no effort to supress his gasp when he realised at which station they were at, and quickly scrambled to his feet and begin sprinting to the doors, dragging his large, bulky bag in the process.
"Hey, wait!" he called helplessly, as if the doors could hear him and wait for him to leave before closing properly. During his attempt to catch up, his bag had carelessly bumped against the brunette, waking him by surprise as he lost his grip on his own backpack, causing it to fall hard against the floor.
As if the rude awakening wasn't enough, the impact of the heavy backpack and the fall had caused the charm to break upon hitting the floor, shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces and scattering everywhere, leaving the status of the charm now beyond repair.
"Oh, shit!" the sleepy young man gasped again, turning to glance at the mess he had just made with his own carelessness. Han had reduced to his knees, staring wide-eyed at the broken charm before him, baffled at the current situation.
"Doors are closing...," came the last reminder, and the guilty young man could only yell an apology before turning and finally running out of the train.
"Hey!" Han called after him, but by the time he looked up, the young man was already gone.
Turning his attention back to the broken charm, Han could say nothing and only stare at it in disbelief, not wanting to believe what had just happened, even though he knew he was already so close to tears. As the train doors finally closed and the vehicle moving to leave the station, the other passengers could only remain frozen in their seats, staring at the boy, unsure of what to do or make out of the situation.
The one thing most important to him, the only thing left that was precious to him, was now gone, and Han could no longer get it back. Yes, he was just beginning to accept reality, but... at the same time, he wish it wasn't real...
Fuck... fuck... Fuck!
Fuck that kid, seriously!
~
The following day didn't go right for the black haired boy at all. He was constantly bumping into people in the hallways, and despite knowing that that was due to his own carelessness, he couldn't help but blame the other parties instead. Couldn't they watch where they were going?
Aside from that, he was also called on several times by his lecturers for not being attentive in class. It wasn't his fault they were all so boring. How was he supposed to know if they were asking him something!? It was very unlike him, so naturally his difference in behaviour had led to a lot of unwanted and unnecessary attention, particularly from the girls. Han didn't like it one bit, and would respond to the lingering stares of his schoolmates with his own piercing glare, only to intimidate them.
But despite all that was happening, Han had only one thing on his mind - and that was the young man who had broken his precious charm earlier. He could feel his own blood boiling just at the mere recollection of the man's pathetic, apologetic face. He would never forgive that guy!
As he visualised the memory of the young man from before, Han tried to absorb as much information as he could remember... That guy, he did look around Han's age, maybe even a few years older than him…but his mannerisms were very much child-like.
A fresh high school graduate?
Han grimaced in disgust as the possibility crossed his mind. Kids these days... they only exist for the sole purpose of ruining everyone's day. Take that incident in the train, for example. Ugh. The younger generation were so spoilt; they needed to learn to mature and grow up like their elders, as soon as possible!
"Hey, Hannie-hyung, what's up?" a voice with an obvious tint of genuine concern spoke up and snapped the boy out of his gloomy thoughts.
"Oh, Juwon..." Han slackened his composure at the conscious sight of his childhood friend.
"Well, who else would it be? I've been here the whole time!" Juwon greeted with a wide grin.
"You know, I've seen you today for only two minutes and I can already tell that something's not right," Juwon continued, picking up his pace as he struggled to keep up with his hyung down the hallway. "What's on your mind?"
Han slouched his shoulders and pursed his lips slightly. Averting his gaze from his friend, he focused on the floor, pulling the usual blank expression on his face. His hand tucked neatly into his pocket, he shrugged, saying nothing. Juwon only frowned in response. "You know that won't work on me."
He was right. Juwon so far had been the only person who was able to understand Park Han and his feelings without the latter needing to say anything; Juwon could read him like an open book. Even if Han said nothing, even if Han's expression showed nothing, somehow Juwon was always aware of what he was thinking, or how he was feeling, as if it was all information already stored in the back of his mind. Most times, Han was grateful for that skill of his; it saved him a lot of thinking and explaining in difficult situations.
But not this time; in the situation he was currently in, Han thought it would be better if Juwon didn't know. But the younger was far too concerned about his friend's well-being to leave him alone.
"Something's different about you today, Hanni-hyung," Juwon said suddenly, and Han could only arch a brow in disbelief and confusion; what?
Taking a few steps back, Juwon squinted his eyes as if to examine his friend, scanning every single detail on him. Then, his face lit up suddenly, as he proceeded to snap his fingers high in the air. "I got it!" he gasped. "Hyung, where's your guitar charm?"
Han felt a sudden jolt of pain in his gut, wincing as his friend carried on, "What happened? Did you leave it at home today?"
Han simply stared at the younger, deciding it was so much easier to play along rather than to explain what had exactly happened. "Yeah," he replied, his fingers fiddling with whatever was in his pocket.
Juwon, however, was sceptical. "Why, all of a sudden?"
The older boy made a quick turn and began walking down the hallway. "Just wanted to keep it safe."
..was what I should have fucking done in the first place, Han cursed. Otherwise this wouldn't have happened!
Still fiddling with the objects in his pocket, as if reminding himself that they were still physically there, Han made a promise to himself that he would find a place to get his broken charm fixed soon. Even if the end product wouldn't look exactly like the original, so long as it was as close to it as possible, Han didn't care one bit; he just wanted to keep his memory of his mother.
It wouldn't be a problem to fix it, would it? He had all the pieces; he painstakingly picked up all the pieces on the train, embarrassing himself in front of everyone else. Surely all that work would be worth it in the end.
But even he was beginning to lose trust in his own words.
~
Han leaned forward against the counter, shifting his body weight from one foot to another, tapping his fingers rhythmically to a familiar song against the marble surface. Standing across the counter was a middle-aged man examining the broken pieces of the charm through his miniature magnifying glass. As he did so, Han waited impatiently, arching a brow expectantly at him.
"We're very sorry," the man said eventually, gently placing the materials down and presenting a disappointed look. "But I'm afraid we aren't able to fix this. You see," he picked up the broken pieces as if to show them to Han, "The materials used in this are old and no longer desirable today, so we don't have any stock for them currently. They are probably rare and very expensive now.
"Besides, all our charms here are mass-produced," the man continued to explain. "Judging by the intricate details on this broken charm, it seems this was made by hand. There's no way we can replicate the handiwork of this thing." The man proceeded to flash a small, apologetic smile. "Perhaps if you pass these to the old lady in the convenience store just two blocks down, she might be able to help?"
The door slammed behind, the bell ringing aggressively, as Han walked briskly down the cement path. Passing the obscure shophouses and lonely alleys, Han muttered those annoying words to himself over and over again; pass these to the old lady? Han scoffed. Was that old man mocking him and his mother's precious work?
Han couldn't help feeling insulted. How could they serve their customers this way!? Sighing, he picked up the pace, looking at the time on his phone, 8:30pm. The sky was already dark, an impressively large cloak of black safe for the widely spread sea of stars. The people in the area were no longer people who had just left their office, but people who were out for a small drink, or perhaps just a bit of fun in a nearby entertainment district.
Sure, despite already being in college, he had to admit that it was getting pretty late for a school night. Han was prepared to swallow his pride and give up searching for a place that could fix his charm that night; perhaps he could continue searching after school the following day – if he was in the mood. Either way, he wasn't going to let himself die without ever getting the charm fixed.
~
The atmosphere was the same on the following day – the train, albeit being a bit more crowded than before, moved swiftly yet comfortably, with the passengers either sleeping, or minding their own business on their phone screens once again. Like before, when the train stopped at Seoul Station, a large percentage of the crowd alighted, leaving the vehicle half empty.
The black haired boy this time decided to be aware of his surroundings. With a stoic expression on his face, he took the time to quickly scan the remaining passengers, particularly the ones that were sleeping.
Nope– there was no sign of the boy from before.
...Which was a good thing, right?
Han let out a small sigh, half-disappointed and yet half-relieved that that kid wasn't present in the train at that moment. He wasn't sure what he'd do if he saw him, anyway. Confront him in front of everyone else in the train? Ha, he'd already humiliate himself enough in public. There was no way he would go through that five minutes of shame all over again.
New passengers came in smaller crowds to board the train, but the crowds became even larger and more frequent as the warnings for the closing doors were announced. While the car was slowly being filled by people once again, Han closed his eyes and decided to focus on his music now, failing to notice a beanie-covered head with light blonde locks of hair playfully spilling from underneath, boarding the vehicle…
~
"Ah! Han-hyung, you didn't bring your charm again today!"
"Mm," Han responded softly, walking down the hallway with his usual unchanging expression. His hand once again numb from having been tucked into his pocket for too long.
"Did something happen?" Juwon questioned. "You always took extra care of it, didn't you?" Silence hung in the atmosphere as the older boy refused to say anything, focusing his gaze only on the floor below him.
"Could it be that it... broke?" Juwon gulped. "Is that the reason, hyung!? Is it–"
"Juwon, just leave it alone, will you!?"
The sudden outburst had caught everyone's attention, pausing in whatever they were doing and turning to stare at the odd students in the middle of the hallway. The poor junior standing there, the look of fear and concern spread all over his face, facing his senior, who seemed obviously tired and agitated.
Han instantly felt sorry for having raised his voice at his best friend; it was unlike him to just express his negative emotions and yell out of nowhere... He didn't know what had taken over him. He wanted to apologise, but he felt so ashamed, so humiliated. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, judging him, and he couldn't blame them. How could he? He had just yelled at the person most precious to him...
Juwon snapped out of his frozen status, shocked by his friend's response as well. He had always encouraged him to express his emotions, specifically his negative ones, but... he wasn't sure if he was referring to this...
Letting out an awkward laugh, Juwon forced a smile. "Hyung... I'm sorry if I said something wrong just now–"
A sudden burst of loud, obnoxious laughter broke the chilling silence in the atmosphere; child-like and high-pitched, it sounded like it belonged to a kid, and it was followed by a smaller collection of softer - manlier - snickers.
Everyone in the area turned to the source of the disturbance coming from the opposite direction of the hallway; there, a group of students were walking down, talking excitedly among themselves, much too engrossed in their conversation about some sort of barbecue dinner. No surprise they were oblivious to the current situation in the area.
The students looked very much like ordinary young men, sporting bed hair and wearing simple clothes as if they couldn't be bothered to decide on what to wear every day.
"Pipe down!" one of them scolded, his messy dark hair bouncing around as he did so. He seemed the youngest, but most responsible; however his neverending chuckling made it impossible for anyone to take him seriously, to be honest. "You laughed too loudly, now everyone's staring at us!"
The person he was talking to - also being the source of the obnoxious laughter from before - turned to look at the surrounding environment, blonde hair dancing playfully under his hoodie as he turned his head. Sure enough, the kid did notice that everyone had kept quiet and were now staring at them – but what he saw next made him widen his eyes and let a stifled gasp escape his lips.
"Uh, wait, guys– you can go on ahead without me– I think I left something in my previous class!" the boy babbled uncontrollably, the hint of fear and panic evident in his voice. Leaving no time for his friends to respond, he made a quick 180 degree turn and ran down the way they had come from, back to wherever his class was located.
"Hey, you're gonna be late for the lecture!" his confused friends shouted after him, exchanging looks with one another before deciding to run after him down the hallway.
Everyone who had been there, including Han and Juwon, witnessed the entire episode, hopefully having forgotten about the incident between the black haired boy and his friend, and they could think nothing but about how odd those students had been. Juwon guffawed, "What was that all about?" He turned to his friend. "That boy was weird, right, Hanni-hyu–"
Juwon froze.
For the first time in forever, he had just seen something he thought he would never ever get to see.
For the first time ever, Juwon saw Han staring down the hallway, his eyes widened and his mouth slightly agape, face struck with fear and shock as if he had just seen a ghost.
He had on the same panicked expression as the blond boy did just moments before.
But why?
Han couldn't believe it himself. It didn't care to him whether he was expressing his feelings at that moment, it didn't care to him that Juwon had stopped his sentence midway. It didn't matter at all. The only thing that mattered to him was–
That boy.
The boy from that day...
That fucking idiot who broke my charm!!