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There was one moment which weighed on his mind as he sat around, in his hotel room, waiting for a text from Hayden. Hayden had known him for so long, and he’d known about Ilya longer than anyone else on the team had.
Shane was promptly reminded of a few weeks ago. He missed Ilya. Their timing hadn’t aligned for them to see one another this weekend, and it was eating him alive. He missed his boyfriend. When Hayden asked what he was up to—clarifying Ilya wouldn't be around—Shane was honest. He let Hayden know Ilya wouldn’t be around, and Hayden didn’t seem to notice how upset Shane was about it. He was getting dressed when J.J. asked if he was free for a potential date. For a moment Shane was confused.
“Are you asking me out on a date, J.J.?”
The question inspired a dramatically loud laugh from J.J. who was also doubling over at the question.
“Absolutely not. You have a great form, Hollander, but I do not swing that way. I just know someone who does. I think you both would hit it off! Go out. Have some fun!”
J.J.’s thick accent made it difficult to understand for a moment before it clicked.
“A date with someone?”
Shane’s head whipped around. Hayden was walking back from the showers.
“I think that’s a great idea, Shane. You should go out with them.”
Shane’s eyes widened. Hayden couldn't be serious right now, surely. Hayden turned to J.J., and started chatting with him about this supposed man.
“So, he’s a fitness trainer? That’s perfect for Shane and his weird eating habits.”
Shane’s heart rate was picking up, “Hayd, you—”
Hayden waved him off, and went back to planning this nonexistent date. He spoke directly to J.J. like Shane was invisible. It might've been funny at first, but it wasn’t funny anymore. Hayden was seriously setting him up with J.J.’s friend and leading both J.J. and this other dude on. Shane was on the brink of a panic attack. They were in the middle of this locker room, and Shane couldn't say anything without outing his relationship with Ilya to everyone in here. It would’ve been one thing if it was J.J. in here alone, but it wasn’t. Hayden was trapping Shane into a date or outing his relationship to another person. Yes, J.J. was his friend, but he wasn’t ready. That should’ve been the end of it. Now, Shane was going to have to make a decision.
“Hey!” Shane exclaimed, quickly looking around the locker room, “I’m the one you’re trying to set up, and you’ve basically shut me down.”
J.J.’s shoulders dropped, “yeah you are right, Cap. I just got a bit excited.”
Shane’s eyes were glistening at the worst possible time. He had never cried in front of anyone other than Ilya. Speaking of, he really needed Ilya right now. Even if it was just for a quick chirp. Anything was better than this isolating pang burning the lining of his eyes. J.J. seemed to pick up on it, moving to hand him a tissue. Hayden stood there, uncaring.
“I swear, this wasn’t supposed to upset you! I don’t mean it in a malicious way, Hollander. I just want to see you have some fun.”
Shane took a breath. Calming himself down. Hoping to get his face back to normal. He took a long look at Hayden, and J.J. turned to look at Hayden too. Hayden’s face was rested. No sense of shame etched on it.
“It’s fine, J.J., I just don't feel like going out. Okay. I appreciate your support, but I'm more than capable of finding my own boyfriend.”
Hayden scoffed, “yeah, sure…whatever you say buddy.”
Shane stiffened, “what’s that supposed to mean?”
Hayden shrugged—looking over at J.J.—before continuing, “I just have a strong feeling if we left you up to that task, you'd take ‘one man's trash, another man's treasure’ too seriously. You wouldn’t know what a good man looks like. You’re too naïve.”
The comments stung. It did nothing to help the fiery sensation behind his eyes and the bile climbing up his throat. Maybe Hayden and Ilya would never get along, but Ilya wasn't trash. Shane loved him. He’d probably collapse and die if something ever happened to him. Ilya was clear about how he much he loved Shane too. He’d told Shane that Hayden once told him to put his heart eyes away. Shane watched the pure despair seep from Ilya during the documentary too. Hayden didn't even care how he felt.
“Eh, you know i’m just kidding, Shane” Hayden pulled his shirt on before elbowing J.J., “kind of, am I right?”
J.J. didn’t laugh, he just awkwardly smirked and rubbed the back of his neck. Hayden didn’t care to pay much attention to the tense atmosphere as he left the room. Shane glanced over to J.J. who seemed to space out for a moment.
“Listen, if you ever need to talk to me—doesn’t have to be dating related—my ringer is always on. I’ll even leave a party!”
Shane chuckled, patting J.J. on the shoulder, “thanks man, I appreciate it. Let's just forget this conversation happened.”
The memory ended, so had his patience. Hayden wasn't going to text. He wasn't going to call. He wasn’t going to come by. Despite the news tonight about Ilya’s brush with death. Maybe that was a bit dramatic, or maybe it wasn’t. Anything could’ve happened. It could've gone wrong, and Shane would be here grieving. Would it take Ilya dying for Hayden to show up? It shouldn't. He should—at least—have a text checking in. What were friends for if not for moments like these? Lord knows Hayden wasn’t there for the smallest of moments either, but this is different. It’s supposed to be different.
A knock sounded from his hotel door. Definitely has to be Hayden. Except, it wasn’t. It was J.J. who was standing on the other side. The same person who announced the article to everyone on the bus and briefly checked on him right after. His heart was racing at why J.J. of all people would be here so late at night. Shane stepped to the side letting him in, and J.J. got straight to the point.
“Now tell me if I’m wrong, but do you happen to like Rozanov?”
Shane sputtered. This—of all things—was not what he was expecting to hear from J.J. showing up here. Shane’s jaw was slack as he stood there likely looking stupid.
“Well, yeah. I mean why wouldn’t I?”
J.J. stuck his hand up, “no, I mean like as in you’re into him.” He was quick to clarify, but he didn’t wait for Shane to answer, “you are…I saw the look on your face when I announced the news.”
Shane was quiet. He didn’t know what else to say, so he let J.J. continue to connect the dots to this puzzle.
“I thought I was weird for thinking it, but that must be why you’re so sad,” he said, “but it’s fine—well it could cause issues professionally, but personally there are worse men in the league. At least it’s not Dallas Kent.”
Shane audibly gasped, “of all the men you could think of , why him?”
J.J. chuckled, “he is the worst in the league though.”
Shane quieted down. He could be honest about it all. Clear the air with J.J. because it was about time. He was nervous though. It didn’t go over the best with Hayden, and when he swore to try, he didn't hold true to that. Three years have gone by, and there hasn’t been a moment of peace. Could he handle doing it again? Or maybe this time it could be different.
“Yes, I like like Ilya,” Shane said confidently.
J.J. looked like he won the lottery, but Shane didn’t give him a chance to interrupt, “Ilya likes me too. Well, he loves me. I love him. We’re dating.”
J.J. didn't say anything. He just stood there. Shane’s nerves grew the longer the silence persisted.
“Did Hayden know?”
Shane nodded. A shot of shame flushed his cheeks.
“I won't pretend I'm not hurt, and I won’t pretend like this isn't incredibly unprofessional. Both of those things are very true. I think i’m more hurt than anything else.”
Shane didn't know how to respond to that, so he stood there in silence as he let J.J. continue.
“However, I also said that there were worse men in the league, and that’s also true. Rozanov can be a dick, but he is a funny one.”
Shane chuckled despite the tears brimming his eyes.
“How are you?”
Shane shrugged. Bottom lip wobbling. “Have been better,” Shane said, “but don’t worry.”
J.J. didn't rush to crowd him, instead he asked the worst possible question he could’ve, “so where’s Hayden?”
Shane shrugged, “clearly not here.”
J.J. pressed, “and did he know back when I brought up the date?”
Shane huffed, “uh, yeah…he did.”
J.J. sat down, “that's really shitty, Hollander.”
Shane braced for the scolding. Of course J.J. would be upset knowing what he knew now. Shane sighed, “yeah, I know, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was scared.”
J.J. shook his head, “of course you were, Hayden all but slandered your boyfriend straight to your face in front of me knowing there was nothing you could do about it.” J.J. paused for a moment, “as hurt and angry as I am, I’ve been working on my reactive issues. Hayden shouldn't have said that shit or done what he did. There were other ways to play it off. He actively chose to humiliate you.”
J.J. stopped and looked at the door, “and now he’s nowhere to be seen after this incident…has he even texted you?”
Shane’s eyes started blurring. He needed Ilya, but he couldn't have him. The next best thing he had was Rose because of course she’d understand him. He couldn’t see her. She was too busy. Hayden was the one person here who knew. The only person until five minutes ago. Now he had J.J., who was here, and he didn't want to be vulnerable. Except, he had no choice, but he was grateful J.J. didn’t make it into a big deal. He stood up close enough to give Shane a basic hug. Shane accepted it because—at that moment—he needed it.
“I'm sorry that when you needed him most, he chose not to show up just because he doesn’t like who you love." J.J. paused, “I might not totally get it, Cap, but I don't need to get it to show up. If you need me, call me! Please get some rest. We can talk about it more tomorrow.”
Shane gave him a quick—tight—hug back. Before letting go and watching him walk out of his hotel room. There was still no text from Hayden. No missed call. For the first time in his decade long friendship with Hayden, he understood that tolerance doesn’t mean allyship, and proximity doesn't equal respect. Hayden didn’t love, care, or respect him. He didn’t show up in the smallest moments, and—now—he hadn’t shown up in the biggest moment.
Shane received a text. From Ilya and J.J. at the same time. Ilya letting him know he loved him, and he coudln’t wait to see him again soon. J.J. letting him know he was grateful Shane took a chance, and sending his regards to Ilya.
Hayden, he was nowhere to be found.