Chapter Text
A few days prior to Christopher’s return:
Alan sat in his bed late that night, gazing out towards the starry speckled night sky, beyond the cold iron frame of his window, in which a waning gibbous drifted downward on the crest of a bluish lit cloud. He had a feeling that something was wrong. Something deep in his heart wrenched, whether it was loneliness or something else, he had no clue, yet it left him feeling like he lost something, though he didn't know what. But it was just a single sharp pang, barely drawn out. A wail of despair that faded out into the monotony of life. Like someone played peekaboo in a sense with his heart. He felt almost as though he lost something great, but… that something pulled through, like a gift from one dear that was lost and found hours later.
The stars shone. The stars his Christopher oh so deeply admired, that Alan had taken the time to start learning the stars for him. They’d have more to talk about, an excuse for Alan to follow Christopher about more so, possibly meet in the library more! After he began working on his Iodine Clock Reaction paper, they hadn’t had a lot to talk about. It wasn’t enough to just bask in his presence, no. It might’ve been, certainly enough for the younger Alan Turing, but he was getting greedy, too infatuated with just being best mates with Christopher, that he was getting bold. He wouldn’t dream of confessing, though.
Although… He could imagine how good it could be! He had no way of knowing if Christopher ever reciprocated. He knew how he could ruin everything he had just by voicing his dream. To be torn away from one of his most favourite people on this Earth… He didn’t know what to do. He was selfish to even imagine that he could have Christopher, truly, wholly, as his own. What was he thinking? There was basically no chance that Christopher would ever… It would be so embarrassing and he stood to lose much. There was nothing else he could do apart from wait on the sidelines, hoping desperately Christopher would somehow read his mind, and accept. It could go so well. Or his world could come crashing down.
Oh, his Christopher, how dearly he missed him. It would be a few days yet before they would meet again. He could imagine reaching out, touching Christopher’s pale hand, possibly even stealing a hug that would make him blush in the most indecent ways. Truly magnificent, the way his mind worked. Alan would be satisfied just watching, in awe, as he worked, those brilliant cognitive cogs spinning, turning, sending his own mind into a dizzying, infatuated loop that sent him into truly the most inane hallucinations. But if they were true… That was a fantasy most books and fairy tales that he enjoyed could never convey. Christopher was held in the closest circle of his heart. He wondered, if Christopher ever considered something along those lines? Could he be just as nervous, wanting to voice his interest, but his internal compass refusing to allow him to? It was almost like a chess game, an inability for beginners to read their opponents mind and predict, that got easier as they continued onward, until they could guess each trajectory and know how to conquer and win. Although, the only difference was, in the game of love, he was a plain pathetic novice.
To imagine the greatness that could be bestowed upon him… If only it was true. His thoughts could go round and round all they wanted, but he would never know enough to give a safe guess, could he? What if he said something and it all blew up in his face? What if he kept quiet and he lost a chance with the greatest man he ever met? What if he stayed silent, just a friend who wished silently, screaming inside his head for something more, watching as Christopher fell in love with another person? No, no, that was too horrific to imagine. He would be brave… someday… But first, what if he wrote a note? Some emergency thing to give to Christopher if he wished to tell him, but wasn’t brave enough to utter it. Just… a simple note. Like the ones they passed during class.
He scrambled to his dresser, rifling through messy pages until he got to The Guide to Codes and Ciphers that Christopher had given him just those few months prior. Alan flicked through the pages, until he reached the small paper on which he had copied down their encryption code, which letters corresponded to which.
He muttered under his breath, “I… P. L… Z. O… Q. V… A. E… E…” Until he had encrypted his entire message upon a fresh sheet of paper from his notebook. Hastily, he tore it out, folded it up into a small rectangle, and wrote upon it “Christopher” in large letters. He still couldn’t believe he had taken the first step to possibly tell the one person he cared about the most the secret he had hidden for a year and a half.
Could it work? He wouldn’t know for quite some time, he supposed. Yet the truth was contradictory to his belief, and the moment would arrive soon enough.
(A few days later) ~~~
Alan was concerned, deeply concerned, beyond worried, as Christopher hadn’t shown up yet. School was bound to restart soon enough, and Christopher… His Christopher was nowhere to be found. Anxiety paced constantly in the depths of his mind, as he watched students trickle in, a flow growing stronger and steadier. Christopher said he’d miss Alan, and try to be back as soon as he could. Two weeks… it was approaching three now. Sometimes, he would just stare into nothingness and imagine Christopher’s beautiful face, a dazzling, charming smile emblazoned across it, just to hold himself over, to sate his hunger for Christopher’s companionship, until he could be in his sun’s presence once more, warming up, and feeling as though he had relaxed more than he ever could without it, like some soul that was frozen over and never realised, till he melted in the warm embrace of a fireplace.
He groaned, cradling his head in his hand. It was too long, he couldn’t bear it anymore. He debated going to the headmaster, and begging for news of his dearest, closest friend. Could a horrible accident have occurred? Could his lovely soulmate be somewhere beyond the sky, in the stars he admired, in the time beyond? If heaven existed, if Christopher truly was… gone… he would deserve it. The kindest, dearest, loveliest soul he had ever known… Oh, how Alan wished that Christopher was his. But yearning from afar would do him no good as time wore on, that he knew. He was running out of time. Christopher would be off to Cambridge in no time, and… and… they could grow apart. Even the most amazing of letters, written from the deepest of both their hearts, would never suffice, and pen pals could never be more than pen pals. His head ached, even thinking about this. All he could do was fixate on that moment in time, before things changed, where something great could happen.
Alan would try to get into Cambridge, of course, but what if it was too late? What if his dearest Christopher had moved on, finding some other kindred soul to confide in and chatter on all day about? Oh, he wished time could go faster, until Christopher would return.
Time caught up once more, and it elapsed so much so that he was now a mere day away from the start of term, with no sign of his infatuation. Worry clouded his mind, no matter what he did. Even the Iodine Clock Reaction, one of the experiments that brought out the most intrigue in him, leading to his school award winning paper, couldn’t distract him. All he saw was the lovely blue of his beloved Christopher’s eyes. He began obsessing even more over the note, keeping it in his pocket constantly, on the off chance that he could see Christopher, and even though he doubted he would give it to him, though he imagined all kinds of breathless, hopeless, romantic thrusts of the paper into Christopher’s hands, he wanted to be prepared. Oh, how desperate he was.
On the first day of term, he was abruptly called into the principal’s office to discuss something that wasn’t disclosed in the announcement that asked for his presence. Worry clouded his vision, and he dizzyingly climbed up the stairs. A grim, sour faced principal sat, facing him, ready to deliver horrifying news. His mind immediately jumped to Christopher. He lunged forward, then stopped himself, wanting to appear more gentlemanly, and he bowed first before approaching again.
“Principal, what is it you want? Has something happened? Did–” Alan began, but he was interrupted by the Principal.
“Ahem, Mr Turing, I am the one speaking here. I am afraid to inform you that one Christopher Morcom contacted Bovine Tuberculosis, and had a very close call just a few nights ago.” Alan’s mind immediately blanked, panic spiking. What did the Principal just say? Oh god, what if Christopher really was gone? How would Alan survive? How would he think, move on each day, exist, without mourning the loss of his greatest friend and what could’ve been.
The principal must’ve recognised some of the emotion seeping through Alan’s eyes, as he said, slightly softer, “But, but, luckily enough, he pulled through. He is resting, and the doctors administered a test drug in its earliest stages that ought to cure him. He required a delayed start of term, but he will return shortly in a few days. I decided to inform you first, as I know you are quite close, right?”
Alan breathed a sigh of relief, deeper than could’ve normally been possible. “Thank you for informing me. Yes, we are quite close, and his absence was rather concerning to me. I shall take my leave now.” And he bowed his head, as the principal waved him out the door. Christopher, his Christopher, was still there. Still holding on. Still there for him to see, to talk to. It would suffice, for now, until he could lay eyes upon that handsome man.
(The day of Christopher’s return) ~~~
Alan waited nervously by the doorway, waiting, thumbs and fingers twiddling and twitching around that slip of paper in his pocket. He saw the car turn round the driveway, saw the glimpse of blonde, floaty hair, sparkling blue eyes, that did look healthier than they had the time before the holiday…
“Alan? Oh there you are! How I’ve missed you, my dearest friend.” Christopher exclaimed, stepping out the door of the stationary car, lifting a trunk of baggage and making his way towards Alan. He looked tired, more so than he did before, and internally, Alan obsessed over every detail, seeing what changed between the Christopher of a few weeks prior and this one. Clearer eyes, deeper eyebags, a frailer frame, but a stronger build somehow… He was still the boy, or man, that Alan had fallen in love with.
He seemed to glow, like a heavenly angel, which he was, radiating a soft halo of whatever it was that kept Alan so constantly intrigued by him. No matter what had happened, he was always there to help Alan, and Alan was now there to help Christopher while he recovered. He rushed forward to grab Chris’s baggage, lifting it for him, which earned him a weak but vibrant smile that would’ve lifted him into the clouds for at least a week normally. His hand brushed Christopher’s, and it was the most wonderful sensation. A hint of a spark flew between them, and it was amazing to feel Christopher’s skin, albeit a little clammy, once more. Oh, how he wished he could embrace Christopher, but that was a thing for some other day, some other time.
They walked together to Christopher’s house, Alan dutifully lugging the luggage along for his lovely Christopher, as they began talking, and somehow Alan fell even deeper into the rabbit hole of his obsession with Christopher.
“I’ve been studying the stars a bit more, so we’d have something to discuss when you returned,” Alan said, rather suddenly, earning a laugh from Christopher, and a response.
“Oh really? That’s excellent! How I’ve missed talking to you, dearest, I can’t begin to express how lonely those days were. Perhaps we could make a star globe together, or something of the sort?”
Alan excitedly agreed, but then he asked more solemnly, “And what’s this about you having Bovine Tuberculosis? I’ve noticed you appearing unhealthy for quite some time, but I never realised…”
A shadow crossed Christopher’s well defined face. “Oh, yes, I’ve been trying to forget about that. Um, I’m supposed to be testing these things called antibiotics which should hold me over, or maybe even cure me, for quite some time. It really was a dangerously close call. I remember one night, I woke up, and it was almost as though I was in an inferno, I was burning up so much. I’m glad to be back, but it really scared me. And if it was that close, then I’ve decided I might try living life more vicariously now.” After that, he delicately cupped Alan’s face, and made as if to say something more, but turned away, and they moved on again.
Alan debated bringing it up again, but he was satisfied as it was now. He thought more about what Christopher had said. If it truly was that bad… He might not even be able to have a chance with Christopher before something even more dangerous happened. Oh, his Christopher. He begged that Christopher would hold on. He thought something that crossed his mind as a fantasy a few nights before, but actually considered it briefly, before he discarded it again. He thumbed the paper in his pocket, wondering. He really, truly wanted to risk it. He didn’t know if Christopher reciprocated, or if they could be anything, but he also didn’t know just how bad it was. He wanted to do it. He took a deep breath, and… stopped. Not here, not now. He would do it in Christopher’s dorm room.
He wished it could go right. If Christopher had pushed through that whole ordeal, then maybe the Universe was being nice to him, somehow, in a world of harsh and cruel realities, and something more could be.