Archive of Our Own

Dan knew that Phil could tell he’d been Thinking, capital letter and all. They’d lived together for so long now, and Dan’s existential crises were a part of his branding for a reason after all. He didn't spend his time face down on the carpet anymore, maybe, but Phil would certainly be able to recognise the way he’d stare off into the middle distance for just a few seconds too long, spoon full of brand-unspecified cinnamon cereal paused halfway between the bowl and his mouth. Dan would blink out of it, and smile at Phil when he gave him A Look. But Phil would know something’s off and Dan would know Phil knew, and eventually, one if them would bring it up. These days Phil usually waited Dan out, but by the pinched expression on Phil's face that morning, Dan could tell his time was running out. So he took it upon himself to order in the expensive sushi Phil liked that evening, with the gigantic salmon caviar that, frankly, freaked Dan out, and set the table.

Phil eyed the table when Dan called him down to eat, then eyed Dan, then sat down with a determined thinking face on.

“Alright. I’ve had coffee and cookies earlier, I can be here all night. Hit me,” Phil said gravely.

Dan couldn't help it; he laughed.

“Christ, Phil, everything’s fine, I’m just being a massive baby.”

Phil raised a Doubting Eyebrow™. Dan sighed.

“Fine, let's eat first. But you don't usually butter me up with caviar,” Phil pointed out.

This was true. Usually Dan ordered pizza and sat them in the lounge where he could flop all over the floor and talk half at the ceiling, half at Phil until his brain was empty or Phil had called him an overthinking idiot enough times for it to sink in.

But this wasn't Dan’s mind getting away from him, this was important. It deserved sushi and a table.

Dan nodded, and Phil grabbed for his chopsticks and dug in. The determined listening face gave way to a relaxed smile and he blabbed on about a new video idea for amazingphil and how about they try an actual dating Sim for Valentine's next year. Dan nodded along, half engrossed in Phil, half in the sushi, and still all his mind on why they were sat here in the first place.

“We’d have to get an equal opportunity one though. Can't further that heteronormativity,” Phil said, with a joking tone but not at all joking, before plopping another piece of sushi in his mouth.

Seizing the opportunity, Dan blurted, “I think I’m gay.”

Phil stopped chewing for a moment, then resumed, calm gaze locked with Dan’s slightly anxious one. Dan wasn't really worried about Phil’s reaction. Phil was bi himself, after all, and Dan had reacted to that coming out with a relieved “me too”, so that wasn't a worry. Phil was a kind, open-minded person, and Dan’s best friend on top of that. He had no reason to be anxious. But his heart was hammering away in his chest anyway.

Phil swallowed and nodded.

“Okay,” he said. “How do you figure?”

Dan sighed and raked a hand through his hair, putting the chopsticks down.

“I think the amount of unsatisfied I was with girls isn't supposed to happen to a person who's into girls. I’ve never really liked sex with a girl either. Looking back there was always something off, you know?”

Phil nods again.

“I knew I was into boys back in school, but I also liked Nicole. We'd been together for years. I couldn't imagine that wasn't... real. And then I met you and you told me you were bi, and I just remember feeling so relieved that there was a person and a label I wouldn't have to explain. It seemed to fit, so I just went with it. And then I stopped thinking about it. I was bi, I’d done my sexuality questioning, problem solved, you know?”

Dan paused again, took a swig of Ribena and sighed.

“But I haven't even wanted to date a girl in... I don't know. I don't remember ever truly wanting to date a girl, in retrospect. I had a crush on you, and PJ, and Charlie, and Finn Harries, dear god. But not on Louise? Tanya? Zoe? There's ‘boys and girls can be just friends’ and then there's ‘you’re gay though’.”

Phil nodded and swallowed another bite of sushi.

“This was... hard for you? To tell me? I don't mean to be insensitive, it's just. You know it's fine, right? Whatever you are, you're Dan. That's always the most important bit to me.”

“Yeah, I know, it's not really... I just feel stupid. I'm twenty-fucking-five. I should've worked this out ages ago. And I spent so much time arguing with my parents about bisexuality and how I’m not ‘too scared’ of being gay, or it just being a phase and I'll end up with a girl anyway, and now I have to do it all again? And have them look at me with this look like they knew all along and --”

“That’s all shit, Dan, but it’s on them, not you. Whenever you discover something about yourself, it's just as valid. Sexuality isn't fixed anyway. You're allowed to change,” Phil cut in. “You always say you have layers. It’ll take you a while to peel them back to get to the gooey center, that's to be expected.”

Dan couldn't help the grin.

“I think you're mixing your metaphors?”

“What?”

“Peeling layers back is the onion, but the gooey center is the tootsie roll thing, I think. How many licks does it take to get to the center and that.”

“Well, I didn't know you were flexible enough to lick to your center, but be my guest,” Phil said with a dirty, teasing grin.

“Phil! Jesus Christ,” Dan exclaimed, burying his face in his hands. “How you managed to cultivate the reputation as the innocent one, I do not know.”

“You make that really easy, Danny-dear. All I need is manners.”

“Oy, where are those now, I'm emotionally fragile right now.”

“No, you're not, you're fine,” Phil said, but his smile was gentle. Dan had to concede that Phil was right. He wasn’t looking forward to having to come out again, but it felt a little less daunting now that the first hurdle had been successfully cleared.

He was fine.