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Their love is quiet and hidden, a relationship where only the two of them are aware. They're content, because they know that they can't public their relationship in a place where their love is condemned as a sin.
BarthTanrak always knows that every letter they give, every secret meet ups they do, and every hidden desire they felt. Those assuring hugs, the gentle kisses are already enough, are the things they really need, it's more than anything in the world.
But, their sudden closeness, the careful touch was never normal in others eyes. The love they cherished and hides was found by someone they don't know if they can trust.
Because of the guilt and fear, Tanrak chose to stay away, to keep his distance from Barth even though all he really wanted was to be to Barth’s side. He spends days thinking about his decision, thinking if he will keep on choosing a love he knows wrong, or choose the path he's been dreaming of since he was young. Lots of what ifs are written on his mind, all about the love and faith he has.
He confessed his sins, afraid of being rejected by the one he looks up to, the one he always believes in, God.
After confessing that he is inlove, he don't know what to do anymore, because even though he has feelings for Barth, it's hard to be inlove in a place where love is seen as a sin, where love shouldn't exist because from the very first page, they know where they wanted to go —the seminary.
On the other hand, Barth is confused by the sudden distance, the sudden silence from Tanrak. He wanted to talk to him, he wanted to know what's wrong, what's the problem. But, how can he do it when just by getting close to Tanrak, the other already walks away slowly but surely.
Barth was afraid —not for himself, but for the fact that there's a possibility that Tanrak leaves him. He wants to stay with Tanrak, he wants to spend his life with Tanrak, but the silence is louder than spoken words. He knows he's about to lose Tanrak anytime now.
Days of Tanrak distance from Barth. An activity occurs, they need to go to a charity to spend the day with the children. On their way there, Barth tries again to stay with Tanrak just on the seat, and places his hands on Tanrak’s thighs but Tanrak automatically removes Barth’s hands.
During the time they spend with the children, Barth observes Tanrak— he looks so happy, free, and looks like he belongs there. And then he remembers what Tanrak told him, that he always saw himself entering seminary, serving God, and fulfilling his dream to become a priest. He remember that time when Tanrak said that he would chose God over anything else.
Barth couldn't stop himself from overthinking, because as he watch Tanrak belong in the place he always wanted to be with, he can't stop from thinking that maybe he was just a burden in Tanrak’s dream, that maybe he was a jinx in Tanrak’s life. With those thoughts, he chose to slip away from the room where Tanrak really belongs, he chose to go outside and get some fresh air.
When he stepped outside the walk, he noticed a statue of Mama Mary, instead of ignoring it, he chose to go closer and look carefully as if he was reflecting from all the memories he has from the very day he remembers. Without noticing his eyes filled the tears, but before it falls he slowly steps away.
While sitting outside he saw a telephone. And maybe because of loneliness he decided to call their house, knowing that no one will answer. Maybe he calls because even though there's no one in their house, he knows that the voice he will hear belongs to his mom.
Just hearing his mother’s name, memories flash on his mind, their memory when they're recording. Their smiles and their jolly behavior. Maybe that was enough for him. Hearing his mother’s name was enough.
It's just funny how Barth keeps on losing everything, knowing that he doesn't have anything, because the world’s cruelty already takes them all away from him.
Meanwhile, inside the room, Tanrak stands in the middle laughing with the children, clearly having fun and giving promises that no matter what happens he will always come back to the said charity. Maybe as a priest or maybe just a normal boy who found his happiness outside his alma mater.
Tanrak always knows ever since he entered the school, he knows where he will be. His big dream, his only dream. To become a priest to go closer to his parents, so that at the end of his life he will meet his parents in God’s home.
Hours passed. Day ended. During the next day, a week since Tanrak distanced himself from Barth.
Barth is losing his mind, he doesn't know what to do, he's not aware of everything running in Tanrak’s mind, and most of all he doesn't know how to approach Tanrak because Tanrak always finds a way to slip away from his sight.
Out of frustration, Barth just sits there in a place where he knows Tanrak will go. And he was right, minutes later he saw Tanrak approaching where he was.
“Tanrak” Barth calls him but Tanrak ignores him, like he always does.
“Tanrak, please talk to me” Barth begs while holding Tanrak’s waist stopping him from walking away, again.
“Barth, don't follow me” Tanrak said while trying to get away from Barth’s hold.
“Talk to me please, tell me what's in your mind” Barth said, but Tanrak ignored him, he's just looking at Barth.
“Tanrak what's happening? why are you ignoring me? please, tell me what's on your mind, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know... I don't know anything” Barth said eyes begging while looking at Tanrak.
“Kongdech knows about us” Tanrak said, frustration and fear is visible in his voice. That's when Barth looks soft.
“Who else knows? Does father know? Does a friend know? Tanrak, who else?” Barth said, almost shouting, clearly he's afraid, because a memory flash in his mind when his father found out about him being gay. He was afraid, not for himself— but for the judgment Tanrak might have received. Tanrak is known for almost being perfect, the Father and Teacher’s favorite because he was disciplined, and always known as the kind one.
“I don't know” Tanrak shouted, but immediately roamed his eyes around, scared that someone would hear him.
“I’m tired” Tanrak started while looking at Barth, tiredness is visible in his eyes. “And I'm scared” he admitted while looking straight at Barth’s eyes.
And the next line, it breaks Barth more than he imagine. “And I'm not happy at all” It leaves a scar on Barth’s heart more than he knows, because he thought he already give and make everything just to make Tanrak happy, but hearing those like from Tanrak’s mouth, it hunts him.
“I can make you happy” he stated while trying to hold Tanrak’s hands. “Just let go of everything just for a second” He continue, looking at Tanrak.
But Tanrak remains unchanged. His facial expressions remain.
“Talk to me Tanrak, how can we solve this problem if you won't talk to me?” Barth said, almost shouting.
“Lower your voice” Tanrak warned him, scared of being heared by other people.
“Come on Tanrak, communicate. Talk to me” Barth begs. “What will you do huh?” He shouted, ignoring Tanrak’s words. But instead of answering Tanrak just lowered his gazed to the rosary on his hands.
“You will pray? You will pray instead of talking to me? Clearing things in our relationship?” Barth shouted lowly while holding Tanrak’s hand with the rosary.
“Seriously did He ever leave you? What the fvck did He even do for you?” Barth shouted, losing his control.
“What did you say?” The only words that leave Tanrak’s mouth.
And maybe Barth realized what he just said. He looks stunned. He was about to reached for Tanrak but Tanrak already slipped away, shaking his head before walking away.
Frustration and fear is visible in Barth’s face, slowly sitting down while holding his hair.
Days passed after their argument, the distance and silent doubled. Tanrak become more distant. Barth become more and more anxious.
The days passed normally, to others, but to Barth and Tanrak, it wasn't.
Until the day finally come where their path crossed. And before Tanrak can leave, Barth is already holding him, stopping him from slipping away for the God knows how many times.
“Tanrak please, talk to me” Barth stated while looking down.
“I don't have anything to say” Tanrak answered looking at anything but not Barth.
“What’s happened to us? What will happen to us?” Barth asked, afraid of the answer but still needs to know the answer.
“You know we can't Barth” Tanrak answered.
“I still want to be with you. I still want a future with you. I don't care about other, I don't care about anymore” Barth stated, holding Tanrak’s hands tighter than earlier.
“You cannot care Barth, we're students. We're scholarship. We're studying here” Tanrak said.
“I don't know Tanrak. I don't know anything, all I know is myself. All I know is I love you” Barth spoke looking directly at Tanrak’s eyes. “How about you? have you ever loved me?” Barth continue looking at Tanrak.
Tanrak remained quiet by Barth’s question. The silence is louder. And maybe that's enough for Barth to know that Tanrak really made up his mind.
“Are we really going to end? Like this?” Barth asked.
“Barth, you know we can't love each other. Maybe I have feelings for you, but—” Barth didn't let Tanrak finish his words, instead he hugged Tanrak, longer than he should.
“I know Rak, I know” Barth whispers before slipping away from the hug. “I still want to be with you but what can I do if you already decide what you want to do. I don't blame you, I know from the very first day I step in this school what you really want. I am aware, maybe I just thought for some reason you will choose me” Barth continue, now smiling but pain is visible in his eyes.
“I’m sorry Barth, i’m sorry.” The only thing Tanrak can say, but Barth silence him with a soft kiss on his lips.
“Don’t be sorry. Maybe this is how our story ends” Barth said, assuring Tanrak.
“Let’s just meet again, next time?” Barth said before slowly walking away, accepting the fact that he won't have Tanrak on his side.
Barth is hurt of course, but he understood Tanrak, he knows it's Tanrak’s dream from the start to become a priest. He already knows the possibility that Tanrak will leave him, but he just put his hopes up.
Tanrak on the other hand sits down tears falling. He loves Barth, that’s for sure but he doesn't want to leave what he always wanted to be.
After their conversation, their break up to be exact. Tanrak never saw Barth again, and that's when he found out that Barth decided to leave the school. He chose to leave their house. That's all Tanrak knows.
Years later in the silence of summer, while everyone is sure with everything, slowly moving forward for the future that awaits them. Tanrak slowly moved on from Barth, he didn't forget, of course he won't, their memories will stay for him forever. The first and last love he has and will have.
Barth on the other hand chose to work to survive, he works and finished his high school, that's been a dream for him. And now he's studying, a working student trying to survive because he wants to help his mother to go out from prison.
5 years. 5 years since their break up. Now, Barth decided to enter the church again, the church he once enter with the most important person in his life.
After entering, he notice the new students guiding the people entering. On his way to his chair a figure caught his attention. A person he once love is standing in front of him— Tanrak.
“Hi” Tanrak stated.
“Hello” Barth replied.
“I’m sorry for the sudden approach. I just want to ask how are you?” Tanrak stated, smiling at Barth.
“Oh, it's okay. I’m good, doing fine I guess” Barth answered while smiling. “How about you?”
“Well, i’m fine and happy” Tanrak replied, happiness is visible both in his eyes and voice.
“That’s good to hear. It was nice seeing you after years” Barth said, Tanrak was about to answer but a voice cut him off.
“Hey Tan, Father is waiting for us” Kongdech —Tanrak’s close friend. “Oh, Barth, it's been awhile” He said after noticing the person in front of Tanrak.
“Kongdech” Barth said smiling at the two best friends who are now slowly achieving their dreams together.
“Boys, the mass is about to start” Father Arnon. The same priest Barth met years ago, the same priest who guided him during his stay in Magdalene.
“Father” Barth said looking at the priest who looked surprised looking at his old student.
“Barth, it's nice to see here after years” Father started looking at him. Barth just smiles at the father, because he doesn't know what to say.
“It was nice to meet you again, but for now I need to cut our conversation here because the mass is about to start. Just sit down first, we can talk again later” Father Arnon said while smiling at Barth, clearly he's happy to see Barth.
“Nice to meet you too Father” He just said then smile at Tarak and Kongdech before going to a vacant sit near him.
After the mass Barth just stood there, waiting for the flood of people leave the church first. While waiting he saw Tanrak approaching him.
“Barth, can we talk?” Tanrak asked looking at Barth.
“Yes, of course” Barth replied.
They just walk towards the other exit, to the garden of this church.
“I just want to say sorry for what happened to us years ago” Tanrak began while looking far away. “I know it's years late and it can't change anything, but I just want to tell you that you're one of the reasons why I'm still here. I just want you to know that I didn't regret the memories I have with you, that's the memories I will cherish the most in my life” Tanrak said while looking at Barth, who's now just looking at him as well.
“Tanrak, you don't have to say sorry. Same as you, the memories we have are the memories that will stay with me forever. Maybe this is how the universe wants us to be. At least both of us are content and happy with the path we choose. That's what matters, right?” Barth replied then smile.
They didn't choose the path they thought they would. They thought they would be walking in the same path while loving each other, but the universe had other plans for them. Instead of walking together, they choose another path but still have one another in their hearts.
Some stories have happy endings. And some are just a lesson, and their relationship is one of those. They didn't get the happy ending they wanted us a pair, but at least they still have their happy ending on their own.
“I’ll expect to see you on my ordination” Tanrak said.
“Well, as long as I see you in my graduation” Barth replied.
Both of them are now smiling at each other. Their smile looks happier now, and it looks free than they ever did.
Their story ended years ago, not what they wanted, but despite that, both of them are happy now and that's enough already.