Archive of Our Own

Things have gotten more peaceful in the summer since they had become second years, despite their dear grade captain jumping into danger as recklessly as ever. Suo observes said grade captain practically glaring at their surroundings, unlike Suo who prefers a more surreptitious approach when it comes to being on lookout on patrol. Sakura is as readable as always, and after everything that had happened last fall, Suo's been working on being something like that too; if only to his friends.

Sakura suddenly stops. “That light over there. It's not working.” He says, frowning at a flickering streetlight; windchime themed characteristic to their beloved town.

Suo pauses to admire the light dancing in one pale eye, something deeply fond curving his lips. “You're right. Let's come back tomorrow with a few more people to switch it out.”

“Hm. What are you smiling about?” Sakura asks, lifting an eyebrow in suspicion. Before, when he would've snarled the question out, it would've been rhetorical, open-ended. Now, it's genuine curiosity, having figured out that there are some things Suo held himself back from saying.

“Nothing, Sakura-kun. Just that it warms my heart to see how far you've come, I remember it just like yesterday when you used to grumble about being forced to paint walls!”

Sakura’s scowl deepens, averting his eyes in embarrassment, and Suo carefully lets himself be shoved by the blushing boy. He mentally thanks that Kaji-senpai has started to assign Sakura and Suo to patrols by themselves, the leader grunting out that it would be a waste of resources to send them with anyone else. Now, Suo gets to keep his captain all to himself, admittedly spending more time watching him rather than actually being on lookout, as he’s supposed to be.

Suo observes as Sakura walks off, taking in the usual street; the streetlamps that have started lighting up to rival the stars’ faint glow in twilight, a stray ginger cat strolling by, the people of Makochi chattering away as they close down shop and start heading home—

A couple of middle schoolers cycling down the street, their conversation loud, as they playfully try to hit the other. Sakura's eyes carefully track their wobbling movements, huffing, “Shouldn't they be more careful? That looks dangerous.”

“Are you worried about them, Sakura-kun? You should call out to them, go on~”

“Ha ?! Don't say stupid things!”

“They’ll be really happy about it, trust me! Don’t you think it’s a part of our role as protectors of this town?”

“Stop being so loud, idiot!”

“Sakura-kun! They're getting away, this is your last chance now!”

“I really can't say anything around you! Ugh! Fine, just stop being so noisy!”

Suo watches him steel his face as he yells, “HEY BE— careful…”

Sakura's voice breaks mid sentence, and his voice dies down to a whisper. He's frozen in place, embarrassment and shame warming his face quickly, and Suo just smiles.

“...”

“...!”

The middle schoolers take a turn around the street, disappearing from view. People who had peered at them curiously after hearing the strange sound have already gone back to minding their business. A crow announces its departure as it flies away.

“Next time, maybe you should be loud enough so they can hear you, Sakura-kun.”

“I’m never listening to you again!!” Sakura shrieks, and his face just looks so wounded and wronged that Suo can't help but make it worse.

“If only we had cycles too, huh. You could keep chasing them, trying till they hear you!”

“As if I would! Idiot! Moron!” Sakura stomps forward angrily, and Suo laughs freely, endeared by his captain's reaction.

“Besides… it's not like I could.”

A quiet mutter comes from the boy in front of him. Suo blinks before he understands.

It’s not like he could… ride a bicycle? Right, Sakura most definitely didn't have anyone to teach him to ride a bicycle.

Suo thinks back to his memories with his master, who tried her best to give him some semblance of a normal childhood when she was still alive, her warm hands on his back as she steered his balance when he was still learning.

“Do you want to learn, Sakura-kun?” He asks, and the gentle tone comes as easy as ever when it's for Sakura.

Sakura looks back over his shoulder, shame painted on his face, gauging the sincerity in Suo's face and words. He nods jerkily, but then shakes his head. “S’fine. It's not like I need to, anymore.”

Suo remembers his master's proud smile, her figure standing still as he wobbled on forward in his small, red, cycle. He stops in place, watching Sakura's back get further from him, and Sakura stops too, the silent question resting in his furrowed brows. Suo wants to reach forward, tug Sakura towards him, and keep him by his side.

He clears his throat. “Let's learn a new skill this summer, Sakura-kun!”

“Haah?! I just said that I don't need to!”

“Aww, it's okay don't worry, everyone is scared of falling down and getting hurt at first, but you get used to it!”

“Scared?!” Sakura's chest puffs up in indignation, and Suo grins, falling into step with him. “That happens all the time in fights, I ain't scared of a little pain!” At his declaration, mismatched eyes shine with determination, almost as if they've stolen light from the very moon that hangs above them, and Suo hopes that the moon will never take it back.

“Summer break is just a few days away, let's start then. You're not allowed to take this back, Sakura-kun.”

“Fine, bring it on! I bet I'll be leaving you in the dust in no time!”

“No take backs, Sakura-kun. I'll hold you to it.”

__________

“Well, Sakura-kun. What happened to ‘leaving me in the dust’?”

“Suo-san, please don't tease him…” Nirei chastises gently as he keeps Sakura's secondhand bicycle upright, an old thing given away by Tsugeura generously.

Sakura's much too focused on not falling down to even retort to Suo's remarks. “How do people even ride this thing?!”

“Giving up already? It's not too late to start with training wheels first.”

“Shut up! As if I need that kiddie stuff! Ahh-!”

“Sakura-san, stop moving around so much you'll fall!”

Suo walks alongside the pair, Sakura’s pace comically slow, his eyes peeled to the ground. He’s worked up such a sweat, his bangs sticking to his forehead which could be because of summer, but Suo thinks it could be nervousness too. His skin is paler than usual, his mouth is parted open, breaths coming out in short pants of air.

“Sakura-sann, it's all about balance, just center your weight and you’ll be comfortable in no time! Relax, you’re too tense!”

“Balance… I-I, It’s not as easy as it sounds!”

Suo frowns, a little concerned. He didn’t actually expect Sakura to succeed right away, but he didn’t expect him to struggle so much either. It has already been quite a few days since he has started trying, and Sakura still hasn’t felt confident enough to tell Nirei to let go yet. It seemed to be a more mental block than anything, as if the boy was-

His thoughts are interrupted by a bloodcurling shriek, followed by a dull crash, and Sakura has officially fallen down for the first time from his bicycle.

“Sakura-san, are you okay?!” Nirei has squatted down, already fussing over him and Suo is no better. He scans his form for injuries, and nothing looks off, but he’s alarmed when he sees how tightly Sakura’s eyes have closed shut.

“Sakura-kun? Are you okay? Does it hurt somewhere? Stay still if it hurts to move something.”
He barely managed to sit down before Sakura sat up frantically, digging his nails into the dirt. He finally looks up and something about his gaze screams how much he hates the situation.

“Sakura-san? What’s wrong?” Nirei’s voice is unsure, questioning, and Suo knows that he has noticed Sakura’s odd behaviour too. As they wait for his answer, they can only hear the riparian grasses rustle in the gentle wind that summer brings as an apology for the heat of the sun.

“...Sakura-kun, are you feeling tired? It's getting late, shall we head back?”

“...Yeah. Let’s go to Pothos.” Sakura gratefully takes the out that Suo gives him, rising up to his feet, looking a bit more steady. He hoists the bike up and starts wheeling it down the path back towards the main town, Suo and Nirei exchanging a look before they follow their captain’s hunched back.

__________

Sakura bickers with Kotoha, stuffing his mouth with omurice, all traces of nausea having vanished the moment he smelled his favourite dish. The events of the past afternoon seem to no longer be weighing on his mind, and the pair of vice captains relax as they talk about what else they were busy doing during break. Their ever-hungry friend quietly listened as Nirei chattered about his new part-time job he’d picked up for the summer, and Suo described his sessions about training the kids at the dojo.

After they finished up, they’re standing at Pothos’ entrance, saying their goodbyes, when Nirei looks at Sakura with apology. “I’m so sorry, I don't think I'll be able to join you two tomorrow…I have to take my shift. Don’t mind that you fell today, Sakura-san, it happens all the time when you’re learning! Keep going, you got this!”

He beams at Sakura, waiting for a response to know that his friend is alright, and Sakura awkwardly nods at his earnestness, cheeks tinged pink. “It’s alright, don’t worry about it. And… thanks, Nirei.” Suo smiles at the scene. Their Sakura-kun, always such a shy boy.

“Good luck with your work tomorrow, Nirei-kun!”

“Thank you, Suo-san, Sakura-san! Eh, Suo-san…” He trails off when he notices that Suo hasn’t budged from his place besides Sakura. “You’re not leaving yet? Do you have something to do here?”

“Why, of course! How can I let Sakura-kun drag this old thing everywhere”, he says, patting the old leather seat of the cycle, “especially because I was the one who convinced him to learn. It wouldn’t be fair, would it?”

“Huh? What the hell, as if I need help with this-”

“I see! You’re right, Suo-san! Sakura-san must be tired from today as well… Please make sure our captain gets home safe!” Nirei grins and rushes off before he can hear Sakura’s protests.

“Oi! Tch, he’s already gone.”

“Indeed. Nirei-kun is quite fast when he wants to be. Well then, let’s get going?” He kicks off the stand, and beams at Sakura.

“Whatever. I’m not slowing down for you.” Sakura grumbles and stalks off, and Suo follows.

Things are quiet and peaceful, so naturally, Suo idly rings the bell, grinning when Sakura peeks back at the sound. He rings the bell randomly, Sakura trying in vain to ignore the sound at the fourth, fifth time. At the eighth time, he whips his body around, his attention fixed solely on Suo and the bell he’s so offended by. Suo doesn’t even try to hide his childish satisfaction.

“Will you quit it?” He hisses at him.

“Ahh, Sakura-kun, I'm not messing around. Of course you wouldn’t know about this, but it's good luck to ring the bell eight times so the bicycle doesn't fall down.”

“H-Huh?” Sakura scratches his head, clearly trying to make sense of that. “Really?”

Unfortunately for him, Suo lives and breathes nonsense like it’s air. “Of course not! It’s you who are driving the bicycle after all!”

“This guy-! Just be quiet for the rest of the way back, you bastard!” Sakura scowls, and oh, Suo already misses his attention on him, before he remembers why he actually insisted on walking him back.

“Sakura-kun, I didn’t take you as the type to be so worried about falling...” Sakura’s shoulders hunch up at that, his posture defensive already. Suo feels a little bad about trapping him like this, but Sakura knows that Suo’s the last person to force him to open up. Suo sees it in the way Sakura meets his gaze, trust shining preciously in eyes that look like jewels.

Sakura is quiet for a few minutes, but Suo knows he just needs time to gather his thoughts. “It’s not about falling, well, it’s not just that.” He finally starts, and Suo nods at him to continue. Sakura huffs and looks down at his feet, and blurts out, “It’s stupid.” That’s not true, that could never be true, Suo immediately wants to say, but he waits. “It’s not exactly falling… Well it is that too, ugh.”

“...”

“I just… didn’t expect it to feel like a tightrope.” Sakura glares at him after that single cryptic sentence, as if daring him to disagree on the comparison, and Suo would've laughed if it weren’t for the uneasiness etched in the lines of his face.

He considers Sakura’s words, how Sakura kept his eyes fixed to the ground the entire time he was pedaling shakingly, and it’s clear now that he was seeing something that wasn’t there. He cannot figure out why Sakura would have experienced treading on a tightrope, and thoughts of the old Sakura crosses his mind; the one who was filling up his loneliness with anger, single minded in his goal about fighting.

Suo tries to think back to his own experience of first trying to ride a cycle without training wheels, it was so long ago. He shuts his eye, and recalls when the ground had seemed so far away, feeling his head spin from knowing that the only way to stay upright was to keep pedalling forward.

Suo hums, letting his voice pitch down with the heaviness he feels from understanding Sakura a little more. “I think I get it. The sensation of trying to balance isn’t something that’s easy to get used to, and, weirdly enough, this kind of thing is easier when you’re a kid. It’s not your fault, Sakura-kun.”

Sakura exhales loudly, and kicks a pebble that spooks a cat nearby. “I’ll hit you if you’re just saying that.”

“Ehh? Do I seem like such a nice person to you?” Suo laughs, and the lines on Sakura’s face relax.

“You? You’re not nice to me at all. You’re awful.” Sakura scoffs, making Suo laugh harder. Sakura is already turning away, when he continues, “But, Suo, you… you’re kind to me. Thank you.” His face bursts in flames before he even finishes his sentence, and Suo is hopeless because he can’t look away, already missing the sight. Sakura has always conveyed his feelings without meaning to, but now he has picked up a habit of stating them straightforwardly, stuttering and blushing, and it throws Suo off balance every time.

Sometimes, Suo wishes he could hold the other’s face in his hands. Would he be able to physically feel his captain’s adorable face get warmer through his palms?

He has gotten lost in his thoughts for too long, and the time to make a remark that could distance himself from the moment has long passed them. But now, there’s no need to. Now, he can let himself feel everything that Sakura had always ignited in him, at least in theory. It was just tricky in practice, after avoiding his own heart for long. He doesn’t mind trying to stay by Sakura’s side, though.

“Sakura-kun. There’s a way to get used to the feeling of balancing before you try riding the bicycle yourself. Would that help?”

“...How’s that?”

“By having you sit behind me while I do the actual work!”

“Huh?”

Suo gets on the bicycle, and pats the rear carrier rack. “Hop on, Sakura-kun!”

Sakura frowns at it in distrust. “That… doesn’t look very comfortable.” Suo hums in agreement, the metal rods definitely do not look inviting.

“It’s a long way till we get to your house, Sakura-kun, it's the practical thing to do. At least for that, can’t you trust me?” He grins at the way Sakura scrunches his nose, like an affronted cat, who then gets on the back with clear reluctance.

“If I fall, I’m punching you.”

Suo forces himself to sound normal as he says, “Such little faith in your vice captain. And don’t worry, we’ll fall together. Now, hold on tight.”

“How is that reassuring, asshole! And- and where do I hold?”

“Where? Onto my back, of course!”

“Hah?! I don’t want to!”

“Well.” Now that Sakura said that, Suo kind of wants to force him to hold onto him now. Really, it’s Sakura’s fault that Suo messes with him so much, he makes it too easy, much too easy for Suo to forget everything and just indulge in the moment. “We'll see about that.”

He pushes off the ground, pedaling with effort to build momentum. Soon, there’s wind whipping through his hair, he’s grinning when Sakura screams, and he feels a hand grip the underside of his seat. “Sakura-kun, your hand will cramp. Don't be so stubborn!” Obviously, he has to pedal faster now.

“You idiot, you're doing this on purpose!”

“Ehh, Sakura-kun knows how to drive a bicycle accidentally?”

“That's not what I meant-! Gahh!”

“Well, you're much heavier than the kids back in the dojo, so of course I'll have to try harder!”

“Are you calling me heavy?!” A hand hits his back, and Suo laughs when it hesitantly comes to rest on his shoulder. “So you do this kind of thing for, uh, back home too?”

“Hmm, yes, for the younger kids, I try to teach them to ride one as well. The older ones are too shy, though.”

“I see… Did your, um, older brothers do this for you, then, when you were a kid?”

Suo hums in thought. “I think they did, but I don't remember it well. I remember my master teaching me to ride the cycle, though.”

A few beats pass, and Sakura is quiet, before he speaks again. “What was she like?”

“My master? She was very patient with me, but she did laugh at me when I fell, which made me mad and want to quit.” He hears a surprised laugh from behind him. “Wow, now Sakura-kun is laughing at me too!”

“Serves you right. But I didn't expect you to have fallen too…”

“Well, I’m flattered you think so highly of me, but everyone falls down when they start learning. It's like fighting, you lose a few when you start out.”

“Hah? Speak for yourself, I've never lost a fight.”

“Really? Well, there can be first time experiences for everyone at any time…”

“Are you asking for a fight?” Suo smiles at the excitement in his voice, the tightening of the grip on his shoulder. That's right, no matter how much things change, Sakura will always be ready to test his skills hands on.

“One of these days.” He vaguely commits, and Sakura leans forward in excitement, cheering, only to start sputtering. “Gah, your hair! It's getting in my mouth!” That does make Suo kind of cringe, he takes care of it as much as he could in his busy schedule, afterall.

“Sakura-kun, please don't eat my hair, there's a limit to how gluttonous you can get…”

“Who wants to eat your hair!? It's your hair's fault, being so stupidly long!”

“It is getting a little long, isn't it. Should I cut it…” Suo’s voice trails off when he feels his hair softly tugged. His nape tingles pleasantly.

No way.

“Why? It's nice.” Sakura softly says, and he seems to realize what he's doing, immediately releasing the object of his admiration. “I-I mean! You should do whatever you want! It's not like I care!”

Sakura-kun was actually touching his hair? He likes it?

“Sakura-kun. I’ll keep growing it till you tell me to cut it.”

“What?! No!”

Oh no, that sounded a bit too honest, didn’t it?

He scrambled his usually-quick-to-bullshit mind to say anything, but he's still a little flustered from knowing that Sakura had touched his hair, and had admitted to liking it. It's a little pathetic, honestly, but Suo has always been pathetic when it comes to him.

The moment to say something has passed him again, and Suo feels a twinge of discomfort despite the fluttery feeling in his chest. He loves how easy it is to let his guard down around Sakura, but hates how the other boy isn't even trying to do anything, he's just being… Sakura.

Well. That wasn't not entirely true now.

That's right, after everything that had happened, he knows that it must take even more from Sakura to offer his honesty and trust to Suo. Sakura has always been trying, never giving up, and hasn't given up on Suo, no matter how hard Suo had tried to make him.

The thing is, how? Even if Sakura has long forgiven him, how was he able to trust him again? How could he think that there was something still worth left in him, when Suo had given up on himself during that autumn night?

What did Sakura think of Suo? What was he thinking of, right now?

Don't look at me.

“The sunset…” A quiet voice whispered, drawing Suo out of his thoughts, and he looked up. The sun was setting, painting everything orange, making even Sakura's shabby apartment look like a painting. Suo looks back, and his breath is stolen by the sun’s color reflected in gold, scattering in grey.

Please look at me.

A wayward thought crosses his mind, that it's good that Sakura had managed to look up from the ground if he had noticed the sunset; he must be feeling more comfortable now. But maybe it's a little insensitive of him that he's grateful for this ride back to Sakura's home for entirely selfish reasons.

A hand on his shoulder, another in his hair, Sakura-kun’s eyes. He hides it all in a corner of his heart that is slowly growing, soon to fill up the entire space.

“We've reached, Sakura-kun. Now! Shall I show you a way to stop without crashing?”

Sakura clicks his tongue, and mutters out a Shut up, and he starts grumbling about something Suo can't quite catch.

Suo puts his foot down and skids to a stop, and the hand on his shoulder leaves. Sakura swings his leg over to get up, and the cycle feels lighter, emptier. Suo stands too, and Sakura wheels it to rest against the wall, kicking the cycle stand down with more force than necessary, because he's the kind of guy who doesn't like doing less. Or maybe because he picks a fight with anything, alive or inanimate. Either way, Suo is endeared.

“Do you want to keep doing this till you get used to it?”

Sakura chews his lip, and gives him a short nod, before bouncing up the stairs. “Whatever you like. You're the one teaching me.”

“Alright! I'll see you at the riverbank tomorrow, Sakura-kun, goodbye!”

“See you, Suo.”

The door shuts, and orange has faded to blue, but Suo doesn't feel the usual tiredness that usually washes over him at the thought of going back to the lonely apartment he'd rented out temporarily in Makochi. Twirling a lock of hair between his fingers, the thought about what the next day could bring lifts the corner of his lips into a smile that no one has to see.

__________

Over the next few days, Sakura had gotten used to the sensation of balancing himself on something that wasn't stable ground, with Suo taking him down the same riverbank path, Nirei faithfully jotting down the duration it took him for each trip.

“Why’re you even writing this down…?” Sakura had asked, his face scrunched up at Nirei's habit.

“It could be relevant information! What if there's a fight, and Suo-san and Sakura-san have to come over immediately and there's only one bicycle-”

“So you want us to show up to a fight on one bicycle? Man, that's way too lame!”

“Well it does sound a bit lame when you put it like that…” Despite agreeing, Suo noted that Nirei hadn't put his notebook down, and that Sakura hadn’t protested further. Cute, his mind supplied unhelpfully, before he breaked abruptly just to hear Sakura’s annoyed screeching, whose chest had bumped into his back. Suo carefully didn’t let the thrill of satisfaction show on his face, not wanting just this part to become as obvious as another data entry in Nirei’s notebook just yet.

__________

Soon, Sakura was ready to try again. Nirei was enthusiastic in telling Sakura about how the time he was able to stay balanced without intervention was getting longer, and the vice captain pair simply smiled at their captain who pretended like it didn't make him happy to hear about his progress.

And one day, it finally happened.

As usual, Nirei was following Sakura closely, but Suo realized that he was struggling to keep up. Evidently, Sakura was going at a pace faster than usual. Suo silently tapped Nirei, holding him back with a simple tug on his shoulder.

Sakura slowly stopped setting his foot down completely, pedalling more confidently.

“Sakura-san! You got it, Sakura-san!!” Nirei cheered happily, and Suo smiled at the boy who was already trying to recklessly speed up.

“Sakura-kun! Slow down, you're going too fast now!” Suo laughed, and Sakura heeded his warning, wobbling to a stop, turning back at them to smirk triumphantly. “I got the hang of it now! I bet I can beat Suo’s time on this thing!”

“Oh my, so confident already, Sakura-kun. By the way, we haven't taught you about turning yet.”

“What?! There's still more?”

__________

The rest of the week was spent on patching up a grumbling Sakura who fell down more than usual when he tried to take turns, but he soon got the hang of it. Joined by Kiryu and Tsugeura, they concluded their lesson when Sakura could ride in a figure ‘8’, celebrating the end with a meal at Pothos.

Naturally, Suo was proud of his captain, but at the same felt a bit wistful about not having a reason to see his friends for the rest of the break. Not that he needed a reason to, of course, but the comfort of having an excuse was nice. Many days later he found himself lingering on that wistfulness, watching the video Kiryu had sent of Sakura’s riding the bicycle during Sakura's last day of learning in the groupchat. It doesn’t have to be mentioned, but Suo had downloaded it the minute he saw it.

He moves his hand to pause the video, and gets startled when he ends up accepting a call that had appeared at that exact moment.

Sakura-kun is calling, at this time?

“Sakura-kun, hello?”

“Hey…”

“...”

“...”

“Do you have something you want to say, Sakura-kun?” He asks, hoping he didn't let his tiredness show.

“Sorry, but, do you have some time now?”

“Now? I… Yes, I can come now, is something wrong, Sakura-kun?”

“Great. Meet me at the riverbank, usual spot.”

The call cut, and Suo felt a bit stunned. He still felt a bit worried, so he wasted no time in grabbing a coat and left to their usual spot where they usually had their lessons. There, Sakura was standing calmly, completely unharmed.

Suo blinks at the sight. “Sakura-kun, you're alright?”

“Y-yeah. Listen, I know it's late but…”

Suo watches as the boy's face blushes bright, and he feels strangely infected by the other boy's nerves, even if he'd never let it show. What was Sakura working up his courage for?

“I, I have to. I want to do the same thing that you did for me!”

Suo’s silent at the boy's fierce declaration, trying to process his words. He looks at the bicycle that Sakura is gripping so tightly, and it’s so dark that he can only barely make out the stains in his white t-shirt fluttering in the river breeze.

“Do you mean, you want to… you want me to sit at the back while you ride?” Sakura furiously nods at that, and Suo can't help but laugh in disbelief. “It's so late, why now? Surely this can wait.”

“I have a good feeling about it today, okay!? I've been practicing since then, and…” His words trail off, and he looks away, and Suo notes that his ear is tinged pink too.

Somehow, Suo feels unbalanced. He's heavier than Sakura, it's so dark, and Sakura has just barely gotten the hang of it. He's almost certain that they'll fall.

And Suo hated falling, even if it was just from a bicycle ride.

He never minded the weightlessness that came from it, but he hated the fall, so he had truly only let himself fall once. His master had laughed at him just that one time, but the carefree sound had slighted his young ears, and he had vowed to never fall another time so he would never hear it again.

Now, there's nothing he could do to hear it again.

Nevertheless, he still never wanted to fall again, whether in a fight or from a silly bicycle ride.

“Sakura-kun, to tell you the truth… we might be more alike than you think.” He says with a tight smile.

Sakura looks at him with a wide eyed stare, and he looks a little angry, a little confused.

“What, that you suck at relying on other people despite telling everyone else to? I know that already by now, obviously.”

Suo blinks, unprepared at the rather honest assessment even though he shouldn't be. Sakura doesn't hold back in his punches and in his bluntness.

He staggers. “I… was talking about falling, but well. That too, I suppose.”

Sakura snorts. “You suppose. Damn right you suppose.”

“Sakura-kun, what does that even mean-”

“I got on the bicycle because it was you, Suo.”

“I know. But it's different.” Suo says helplessly. He had no idea what was going on, but he didn't feel ready to find out.

“How’s it different?! You want me to rely on you, and I want you to rely on me!”

“Yes, but…”

I don't want to rely on anyone. It’s hard even if it’s you.

He can imagine the heartbreak on the other boy's face if he says that aloud.

He's already broken his heart once.

He was always a hypocrite and a liar to Sakura, and that part would never change, despite everything that had happened between them. Brave, honest Sakura who only responded to his farce with honesty and trust.

Sakura, who had compared a bicycle to a tightrope. He thinks of Sakura treading on one as he prepares for each unsteady step to be the last, finally slipping, and falling alone.

He thinks of their first spring together, Sakura’s happy and prideful look, when Suo had falsely admitted to relying on him. He remembers that winter when Sakura had brokenly asked him how he could've left him, when it hurt Sakura every minute that they were apart.

The difference was that Sakura thought he had Suo. Suo knew that he could never have Sakura. But, that's not how things are now.

He takes a deep breath, and nods. “Alright, Sakura-kun. I'll trust myself in your hands.”

Sakura shows his surprise easily on his face, as if he wasn't expecting it to be so easy. He doesn't smile, but he smirks and it's a near thing, and he's already ready and waiting for Suo to take his seat.

Suo sits on the carrier rack, and winces when he feels the rods. It's a bit of a struggle to bring his legs up, and they quickly figure out that Suo's legs are too long, knocking into Sakura when he tries to pedal.

“Tch. I sat there just fine.”

“Good for you, Sakura-kun! There are some advantages to being short!”

“I'm not short, stupid! It's your legs that are stupidly long!” Sakura groaned, frustrated.

Suo looks at Sakura's disappointed frown, huffs, switches position and now, they're back to back. Suo laughs when he feels the shudder that crawls up Sakura's spine.

“Shut up!”

“I didn't say anything!”

Sakura just yells and starts pedalling, his speed increasing gradually as he gets used to the extra weight. Suo feels awkward, unused to the world passing by him backward; he feels like he is standing at shore, head spinning from the backwash of a wave.

He tries to relax, and now he can’t help but be aware of the warmth from the body behind him pleasantly diffusing into his own; it feels like he's stealing a part of Sakura for himself.

Suo notes that the way Sakura's back muscles shift through thin layers of cloth is oddly pleasant, his pace constant and with ease. He can hear the gentle sounds of the water that looks bottomless in this moonless night, the metallic rhythm of the clacking bicycle chain shifting the gears of his mind into something orderly.

He closes his eye, and a vague memory surfaces. He's much younger, his back smaller, leaning against a bigger one. He's not sure if it was Rakta’s or Bacchus’, and the feelings he holds towards them and the one he sits with now are vastly different, but the trust feels like the same. That simple warmth, from all that time back then, is the same.

He tips his head back, letting it rest against the junction between Sakura's neck and shoulder, greedy for more. He feels Sakura turning his head, and his heart leaps when a small puff of laughter escapes so close to his ear.

“Your hair tickles.”

“So many complaints about my hair. Sakura-kun, are you sure you like it?”

“I wasn't complaining…” Sakura grumbles.

“I’m happy to hear that you like it, Sakura-kun! I like yours too.”

“...W-Why does it make you happy to hear that I like it, Suo? It's your own hair.” Sakura asks nervously, and Suo can see the flush in Sakura's neck from up close.

“Hmm, I don't know. The same reason you're happy that I like your hair too, I guess?” Suo evades, not knowing if he should be grateful for Sakura's honesty or be nervous now that it is demanded from him. Sakura groans at his response.

“Never a straight answer from you.”

“Well, Sakura-kun, if everyone were as honest as you, the world would be a different place.”

“And if everyone were like you we'd be doomed.” Sakura dryly remarks.

“And yet, you stick with me! Does that mean you want to keep the only one to yourself?” Suo says, and though the line is frivolous, his tone is quiet, vulnerable, without a hint of his usual teasing. Sakura goes quiet, and his pedalling gets faster. Suo thinks he can feel Sakura's heart pounding through their pressed backs, but he's not sure if that's his own.

They turn seamlessly at a bend, now closer than ever to the river, or at least that's what Suo thinks, completely entranced by a blushing Sakura, the ever-uneven line of his eyebrows frowning in thought. Suo just knows that he's trying to fight off the urge to deny everything between them out of embarrassment.

“I want to. If you'll stay, with me.” Comes his quiet reply, and Sakura's back to looking at the ground. He wasn’t prepared for Sakura to take the jump.

Suo's heart suddenly hurts.

He lifts his head, straightens his back.

The earlier serenity that came to him like a dream suddenly vanishes, and Suo feels trapped.

How could Sakura ask something like that to Suo?

Suo knows about Sakura's past more than anyone else. He knows the kind of life Sakura had, and why he was so attached to the first people he opened his heart to. But, like how the everburning sun pulls planets into its orbit, how the stars wait for the everchanging moon each night, Sakura has so many people around him now. People who have never hurt him like Suo knowingly had.

Still, why does he want him? He can't understand, doesn't understand what Sakura sees in him, and that makes Suo feel like he can't understand himself.

He opens his mouth to confess the same, and suddenly, a lot of things happen at once.

He hears Sakura yell, he sees an orange blur of motion out the corner of his eye, the bicycle screeching, it turns sharply and bumps into something hard, and they're weightless—

They're falling, there’s a loud splash right next to Suo’s ears, and he can't feel anything except cold.

They've crashed into the cold, freezing water of the river, and the duo come up to the surface at the same time, their hands reaching out to the other, patting around blindly.

“Sakura-kun, are you alright?!”

“I'm fine!! Ugh, there was a stupid cat, I was doing so well too!”

“A…cat?”

“A cat-” Sakura is interrupted by a shiver, “-it suddenly ran across the road, I got startled, and, Suo, I-”, and Sakura chokes.

“Sakura-kun, are you okay? Does anything hurt?” Suo's voice is rising from how worried he is.

“I thought I could do this for you, I can't have anything, I can't hold onto anything, I don’t know how!”

Sakura grabs his arms, and Suo startles at the contact, fighting the urge to pull away. “Sakura-kun. Sakura-kun, if this is because we fell, it’s alright-”

“It’s not alright! I messed up something as simple as this, I know that I have more than what I should, Suo, but-”

“Sakura-kun, that's not true.” He says automatically, the rebuttal instantly escaping his mouth before he can help himself. “There’s nothing you don’t deserve.”

“But I can’t have you!” Sakura yells, grip sinking into his biceps like claws. He continues to speak, like a river that waits for no one as it flows, dragging everything downstream. “I want you, Suo. I want to have you. I-!”

And the words dry up in his throat, there's nothing more he could possibly say. He pushes away Suo, stunned from shock. He's never seen Sakura’s face completely crumble like this, not when he first apologized to class 1 - A, not when he first talked about his past, not after everything that happened last autumn.

Suo is still rooted in place when Sakura is frantically heaving the fallen bicycle upright, pretending in vain that he's not gasping for breath the whole time.

“Sakura-kun, wait…” His voice is barely a whisper, but he can't muster anything louder.

“Shut up, Suo!”

Suo almost slips into the water again from how fast he walks through the river to reach his captain, yanking his bony shoulders as Sakura tries to use the cycle as a barrier, but it doesn't budge.

“Why,” Suo pauses to wet his mouth, “Why would you possibly want me?” He finally asks the question he has been swallowing down his throat, all this time.

“Why… Why I want you?” Sakura asks, bewildered, as if that has nothing to do with what they’re talking about at the moment.

“Why… do you want me like that, Sakura-kun? After everything?” Suo asks, the trepidation making his heart run a mile a minute.

“You think I know why?!”

Suo blinks.

He had been bracing himself to expect anything and everything but…

“You… don’t know?”

“Yeah! You have a problem with that?!”

Suo let out an incredulous laugh, his chest strangely hollow. Really, after all this time of wondering what Sakura thought of him, this… was his answer? He dimly notes that his pulse was slowing down into something steady, and his grip goes slack. “How could you possibly say that you wanted me then, hmm? Sakura-kun, that’s… there’s really a limit to what you can say without thinking through things.”

“Who didn’t think about things, you-! You were all I could think about when you were gone! Every waking minute, and even when I slept, I dreamt of you!” Sakura yells, and he looks downright pissed off.

“...That’s different-" Suo says uncertainly, but he knew that he wasn’t the type to exaggerate things like this; if anything he was usually the opposite. This was Sakura the most honest he could be, even if he was scared. Scared of Suo.

“The worst time of my life was when you were gone, and once you were back, I didn't want to let you out of my sight at all!”

The sentiment, admittedly, sets off a flutter of complicated emotions in his chest. “Really?” He asks, breathless.

“Kaji didn't pair us up ‘cuz we're strong! He paired us up ‘cuz I asked for it!”

And, okay, that really surprises Suo. His jaw drops in surprise. “What?”

“I didn't know how else to be with you!”

“Sakura-kun, I never thought that you'd be so- sneaky…” At his words, the confidence that had bloomed for a moment immediately wilts, and Sakura hangs his head down in shame.

“Even when you came back, you weren't the same, you're holding yourself back from me, I can tell. Sometimes, it- it feels like you're now closer to everyone else, and you look at me like you’re so far away, but…” Sakura tries to take a breath, fails, but continues anyway. “But sometimes it feels like too much from how close you are. But I, I- like-” Sakura’s voice strangles, as if it physically pains him to finish his sentence. He doesn’t.

Suo can’t think. He is trying, but trying to form a thought feels like steering a ship in a storm, helplessly drawn to that singular orange eye, shining in the dark like a light that he can’t look away from.

“I can't- I can't feel like this towards a friend, right, Suo? I can’t expect so much, but I…”

The realization of what exactly is distressing his captain hits something hard in his chest. Sakura had noticed his feelings, but didn’t exactly know what it was, just that Suo was different with him. In his confusion of trying to figure out how much of himself Suo could exactly reveal to him, had to reveal to him, he was confusing Sakura too.

Just like before, whenever Suo was trying to do something that he thought would hurt Sakura less, he only ended up being unable to live with the consequence that he had still hurt him. All because of being too selfish to fully stay away, of being too scared to get close.

Now, Suo couldn’t pretend to look away from the fact that Sakura holds something in his chest similar to what Suo hides in his own, because unlike the coward that Suo is, Sakura was offering his warm, blazing heart as it is.

He properly looks at Sakura’s form, shaking from the cold, out of breath from saying so much, skin pale from nervousness. His gaze is fixed to the flowing river, not daring to look up at Suo. He hates the sight; that he’s the reason.

He doesn’t want Sakura to ever be scared of Suo, in any way.

Never again.

Wasn’t it better to fall together, than to fall alone from a tightrope?

He carefully cradles Sakura’s face in his hands, stroking his cheeks to wipe away river water, as if they were tears. The contact almost warms his hands; even standing together so closely, they’re still freezing in the cold. There wasn’t any point in keeping a distance now.

Haven’t they already fallen together?

“Sakura-kun, can you look at me?” He softly asks. “You don't have to say anything, just look at me, please.” At his request, Sakura looks up, his attention solely on Suo, just like how Suo wants. How Suo has always wanted.

“I’m the same as you, Sakura-kun. I’m selfish, even more than you.”

“The same? What do you mean?” Sakura sounds like he’s pleading, and he has been for a while, hasn’t he? Clumsily, without daring to be loud, out of fear of being noticed and rejected.

“...I want so many things when I’m with you, Sakura-kun. Things I thought I had to hold myself back from. But most of all, when I’m with you, I… I want you.” Suo resists the urge to dip his thumb into the gap between pale lips parted in surprise. “I just… didn’t think there was anything of me, to give you.”

“Give…? What do you mean by that?” Sakura’s eyes narrowed, looking almost offended by the term. “...I can’t put it into words, why I want you. I’m not good with that kind of thing, Suo.” He worked out the words in his jaw, before he actually spoke. “But, I just… You don’t have to give anything. I just want you to be with me, forever.”

He confesses as if it was a secret, but that was something that Suo knew. He just… didn’t expect Sakura to say it like that, like Suo was the air he needed to breathe; clinging to him as if Suo was the earth he needed to walk on.

He lets himself lean in closer. “I want to. I want to be with you, for as long as you’ll have me, please.” Suo softly says, tightening his grip around his face, as if to make the truth of his feelings sink into his flushed skin.

Sakura’s quiet, completely still, Suo waits, hoping his trembling hands aren’t noticed. “You’re- you’re not just saying that, right?”

Suo laughs. “Sakura-kun, c’mon. Am I the kind of person to be so nice?” Sakura reaches up to cup his hands, holding them there, as if he doesn’t want Suo to let go.

“Y-You, you’re not. You’re awful.”

“I’m awful? You don’t want this awful person’s confession, then?” He teases, but he doesn’t hide his nervousness.

“N-No!” Sakura squeezes his hands painfully. “You can't take that back, Suo!” And Suo simultaneously feels bad and happy that Sakura feels so affected by an empty threat. Still, Suo can't bear to hear Sakura insecure any further, interrupting him swiftly. “I won't. I swear, I… I don’t want to give you a reason to doubt me. Can you trust me again, please?”

Sakura gasps, and averts his eyes, unprepared for the honesty in Suo’s gaze and his words, despite demanding for it. Suo is hopelessly charmed.

“I already do, idiot.”

“Sakura-kun…” Suo trails off. Suo had always been in awe of Sakura’s ability to trust, and now, more than ever. “How can you, so easily…?”

“Huh?” Sakura glares up at him, and huffs. Suo feels it on his chin. “It’s because it’s you… It’s always been easy because it’s you.”

Suo’s face crumples, and before it can show, he knocks their foreheads gently, leaning into him with his weight, so he’s relying mostly on Sakura’s shorter stature struggling to hold him up. He laughs, hysterical, and he can feel something stinging in the corner of his eye.

“What are you laughing at?!”

“Sorry. Sorry, I'm not laughing at you, it's just… so much. But I'm happy, Sakura-kun. Thank you.”

“...I’m happy too. Thank you too, Suo. For everything.” Suo shakes his head, disbelieving of the precious words offered for his taking. A beat passes, and he feels Sakura's skin prick up with goosebumps. “A-anyway, let's leave this river already, it's so cold!”

Sakura is right, but Suo doesn’t want to leave yet; there’s something buzzing underneath his skin, hungry for warmth and desperate to seek it out from the body pressed against his. He parts from him, just for a bit. “Not to mention, that this river has brain-eating amoeba in it. You’re right, we should leave soon.”

“Huh!? What… does it really eat the brain?!”

“You’d be safe if that was true.”

Suo feels the flutter of delicate eyelashes when Sakura blinks in confusion, angrily shouting, “Fuck off, I hate you!-”, when he understands.

Suo thinks that he looks beautiful. “Sakura-kun. I’m going to kiss you know, is that okay?”

“Ki-! Wh-What?”

“I'm going to kiss you.” Suo states instead of asking again, impatient.

“Right now!?”

“My bad, I didn't know I had to book an appointment to kiss you.”

“You! Stop teasing me!” Sakura whines, and Suo only feels a little bad.

“Forgive me, Sakura-kun, I really, really, want to be selfish. I want you.”

At his straightforward words, he feels Sakura's face blossom pink through his freezing palms, and Suo has the sun, the moon, and everything else he's ever wanted in his hands.

“You're so shameless! I'll push you into the river, bastard!”

“If you must, please push me into the river only after eight seconds. I really, truly, can't wait anymore.” Suo doesn't give Sakura the chance to process his words; he leans down to take what is his, what has been his, all this time.

Warmth spreads like waves from where their lips connect, and it feels like Suo is back to those blissful days when he pretended that he belonged to Sakura's side, except now, he truly can. He presses his lips to Sakura’s, impossibly soft, like his trust, and Suo wants more. His breathing is completely ragged, unable to pay attention to anything happening around them; Sakura is doing worse, his vice grip on Suo's hands gone lax from shock, lips pliable like he is leaving everything up to Suo.

Suo can’t believe how lucky he is to get this, and he wants more.

He tilts his head, he has to get closer, now the angle is just right for him to enter a mouth paralyzed in surprise, and he tastes salt and dirt. It’s the best thing he’s tasted; he chases it with his tongue, the taste of the river gives way, and now the only thing he can taste is Sakura. Sakura, who tastes like warmth, like trust, like love. It’s so much, he doesn't mind that his captain hasn’t mentally caught up quite yet, but he knows that Sakura would; he already misses feeling too much when he pulls back to gently nip his bottom lip.

He can both feel and hear a soft whimper, and the barest brush of thin lips moving against his. A hand clings to his shoulder desperately, another slides behind his head, intertwining with wet strands, and Suo's heart bursts from how full it is. The small action takes everything from Sakura, and he parts from Suo panting, but he doesn’t let go just yet; he holds Suo in place to rest their foreheads together, just like before.

Suo's still cold, the summer night is humid, his wet clothes are sticking to him uncomfortably.

There's nowhere he'd rather be.

“Was that okay, Sakura-kun?”

“Mh-mhm. I- I liked it.”

Suo smiles nervously against his blushing cheek. “I liked it too.”

“B-but you didn't wait for my answer.” Sakura stutters out, and Suo fights the urge to kiss him again. He feels himself mentally lagging to process his words, and he gives up soon. “What?”

“You asked to kiss me. You didn't wait.”

“Ah, that… you know what they say. It's better to ask for forgiveness than for permission.” Suo flounders, hoping he didn't make Sakura feel uncomfortable. The earlier adrenaline fades, a sense of shame creeping in from his own actions.

Still, Sakura hasn't hit him or pushed him off, his cheeks still flaming red. Surely Suo hasn't messed up too bad.

“Then, I get to decide how you apologize. Close your eye and let me punch you in the face. For this, and everything else.” Sakura's scowling up at him, his eyes demanding, and Suo caves in easily.

He takes a deep breath, surely he can walk it off after? He closes his eye, and steps back, hating that he has to part from him. He opens his mouth to apologize, “I’m so-”

He's interrupted by a pair of lips clumsily pecking his, the sound ringing through his ears. His eye shoots open, and he can't even hide the way it trembles to take in Sakura smirking with satisfaction.

“There. Now we're even.”

“...”

“What, nothing to say? Did the brain eating amoeba get you?” Sakura arches one dark eyebrow, mirth shining in his eyes.

“...”

“Pfft. Heh. Hahaha!” Sakura laughs in short, awkward bursts, and it's the most beautiful thing Suo has seen and heard. “Now I get why you trick me all the time. I've never seen your face look so stupid.”

“...”

“Hey, S-Suo?” The smile slides off, and Sakura begins to look worried. “Are you okay…?”

He slowly takes Sakura's hands into his, and rubs his freezing fingers, hoping they warm up. “I’m not. You have to take responsibility. For the rest of our lives.”

Sakura looks stunned.“You don't know what you're saying, stupid.” He sniffles, trying to tug his hands out of Suo's grip, and he doesn't let him. “As if I could ever just move on without you. I couldn't back then, and I can't anymore.”

“Sakura-kun, I…”

“Don’t apologize! That’s not why I’m saying it!” Sakura groans, exasperated. Suo smiles, and interlaces their fingers together. “Why are you saying it then, hmm?”

“B-Because…”

“Yes?”

“Because!”

“Yes~”

“Argh! Forget it, I can’t!” Sakura protests, and Suo laughs in delight. “Why are you laughing?! I bet you can't say it either!” That snaps Suo's mouth shut, and he considers. He imagines saying three short words aloud, to convey the multitude of feelings he holds towards this beautiful boy.

“Ha! I knew it!” Sakura cries, victorious at his silence, and he's already bounding out of his hold, pointing at him accusingly. Suo sighs, lifting the stuck bicycle from the riverbed with his foot, and it comes free.

Still, Suo can't resist opening his mouth again. “I bet I'll say it before you can.”

“Fine, let's see then! You're on!” Sakura laughs, and Suo thinks that this is the happiest he has looked while making a bet; Suo feels the same. He reaches out a hand, just because he wants to, and Sakura flushes a lovely color before he takes it, falling back to help with wheeling the bicycle out of the river.

“Alright." Suo agrees pleasantly, this is a bet that he doesn’t mind winning or losing, after all. "I'll hold you to it, Sakura-kun.”