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The music room was filled with fresh spring air, open windows letting the cool breeze sweep through the spacious room making the sheets full of notes stir.
There stood a young boy in his dark blue shirt slightly wrinkled at the ends, at the piano hands poised over the cool keys. Letting out a tired sigh he began to play with shaky hands. A few minutes of warm up made him gain confidence. Now with steady hands, he closed his eyes and began to play. For real this time.
Head tilted back, posture impeccable. Hands moved with ease as he began to sing the lyrics he wrote secretly in a house he didn’t know whose.
Bloody London never looked so blue
My friends are smoking blunts in the bathroom
Memories began to flood in his mind as he kept singing. Memories of a messy house way too crowded for one to even move with ease. He’d unwillingly gone with his enthusiastic friends to a party held by seniors for the start of their last year. Unwillingness was a facade. He was dying to see this one boy with messy hair and a lop-sided smile.
They say that honest love is a cage that makes you feel free
Everyone was having fun like there was no tomorrow, drinking as if it was just water and dancing madly. He was upstairs, gazing at the sea of people with a half smoked cigarette in his hand while one of his friends was yelling something to his ear.
He didn’t hear a single word, eyes fixed to a particular person in the middle of the crowd.Chatting while dancing with easy moves. He then looked up, their eyes met and time seemed to stop for the boy upstairs. Heart beating like crazy, his breath hitched. The boy in the crowd waved his hand at him. It burned. It burned and spread with waves all through his body. Sounds became muffled as he nodded with acknowledgement. An eternity past but it was only a second in reality.
The boy in the middle of the crowd broke the eye contact with a smile and continued talking with the person in front of him. As if a spell broke, the voices came back with the end of the eye contact and he turned to his yelling friend as he put out his cigarette.
“Regulus don’t just stand there and come dance, you’re such a killjoy.” said Barty, for god knows how many times now.
“I need to go to the loo” replied Regulus as he began to take rushed steps.
He heard Barty shouting as he walked. “I’m telling Sirius if you don’t join us in the tub in 10 minutes.”
He just gave him the middle finger without looking back.
When he finally reached his desired location he whipped out his little notebook and began to write the words that flooded his mind with a pencil nearly down to the stub. Back pressed to the door, he slid until he sat on the bathroom floor.
Regulus has never let anyone see his writing, never let anyone ever touch his notebook. He wrote every single word that echoed through the walls of his brain. He scribbled a few words then kept writing and writing until his fingers ached with how much pressure he applied holding the pencil. When it was done, he closed the notebook and put it where he usually hide. The inner pocket of his jacket. He blinked as if coming out of a trance, placed his hand on his fast beating heart as he whispered.
“Calm down.”
And all the people at this party are so cool.
It’s never been a thing that I could do.
But I can’t help but imagine what you say when you speak with me.
The breeze ruffled his hair as he kept playing and singing in a controlled voice. He was feeling the moment know, his heart slowly but surely increasing its rhythm. Closed eyes served as a projector of his vivid memories, each one coming and going with light speed. The first time he met him.
“Reggie, this is James and James, this is my little brother Regulus.” Sirius beamed as he introduced the two boys, one arm resting on Regulus’ shoulder. He continued “God, I can’t believe you guys are only just met with each other. It feels like Regulus has been a part of our group since the beginning but also,” he tilted his head and teased “I can’t believe you are in high-school now, where did all the time go?” as soon as the end of his words came out Regulus elbowed his side, hard. “Shut up, you’re only one year older.”
A chuckle interrupted their bickering. Regulus raised his head to meet James’ eyes, a hand was stretched out for him to shake. The boy’s expression hadn’t change, a happy smile still lingering on his lips. Regulus shook the outstretched hand and the contact sent immediate electrical waves throughout his body. He didn’t let anything show on his face as he kept the eye contact with honey dripping eyes. Heart beating so loud in his body that he feared it was loud enough to be heard outside.
“Nice to finally meet you Reg, Sirius talks about you a lot.” His voice oozed with self-confidence.
Regulus only nodded before he replied in a neutral tone with unseen effort. Eyes still locked. “Likewise.”
The younger boy met with new feelings that day. Feelings that he wouldn’t be able to name for a long time. Therefore, that unnamed feelings in his chest were described as “The warmth of the sun, a spark in his dark world” in his little notebook.
You’re spark in the dark
and my clothes are caught aflame
You should feel how I feel
when somebody says your name
His voice raised a bar since he was alone in the empty music room, feeling more secure in this, he kept playing the notes he knew by heart at this point.
I’m a car speeding down the boulevard
without a brake
He shook his head slightly as the remnants of another gathering came alive in his head.
“I’m telling you, Be My Baby is the best love song of all time.” Remus disagreed to that statement with a small move of his head. Frank was being too optimistic given his love life going smoothly for him.
“No, no. I see your point and it’s a beautiful song but it’s too up-beat. A love song shouldn’t be too up-beat, it also shouldn’t be too slow. I think, The World Falls Down is the perfect pick for it.” To that Sirius just laughed and hit ever so slightly to his shoulder. “You say that because you’re a sucker for Bowie songs Moony, you are biased.” Remus raised an eyebrow and looked up at him as he was sitting in a couch and Sirius was on top of its wing.”And you’re not? Pads, you’re going to claim it is one of the Queen’s and call it a fact.” Sirius raised his hands as if he was going to state an obvious fact. “And it’s not? Also I’m not going to “claim” because it is true. Love Of My Life is THE song people and you can argue with a wall but I’d question your taste if you even dared to do so.” with that, he huffed and posed with a knowing face.
He then turned to James and Regulus who were sitting side by side bean bags. James’ one green and Regulus’ was red. “What’s your pick Prongs? You know all the love songs by heart now.” A playful smirking hanging on his lips.
James’ expression was thoughtful on his face and a couple of seconds passed before he gave an answer.
“I think To Know Him is To Love Him is a pretty good one” he looked at Regulus a brief second, his face was down, looking at his hands. “ but it could also be Futile Devices, I don’t know. I can’t decide.” He poked Regulus’ shoe with his own. “What do you think?” The younger one inhaled a deep silent breath and shrugged before giving an answer. But when as he did, he took a quick glance of James’ side. It went unnoticed.
“All of them are stupid.” James smiled softly while Sirius laughed loudly to his answer.
“That’s Reggie for you. All emotional things are stupid for you, isn’t it oh so cold brother of mine?” He reached Regulus’ head to muffle his hair but Regulus hit his hand before he could even touch a strand. No one knew how hot he suddenly felt when he suddenly caught James’ smirk to the interaction. Maybe someone did see his ears turning pink a little but he wasn’t aware of it.
I want you more than any stupid song could ever say.
Without a doubt he was alone and all he could do to dim his mixed feelings was pouring them all out in this room where no one ever even turned in to the direction of it on a calm saturday afternoon. Hardly anyone came to the weekend study sessions Well, except him because he wanted to take a breather. Living with Sirius and Uncle Alphard could become chaotic sometimes. In a good way, but he’d rather die than admit that to anyone.
That was not the only thing he would never say, there were other things such as his deeply buried feelings for James. God he wanted to get rid of them so bad because it hurt to see the other boy interact with others so easily. His heart burned with jealousy whenever he saw James close to some people. Closer than others, closer than him.
I’m a heart made of wax,
and I’m melting in the sun.
His lopsided smile, loud laughter and bright personality. Regulus never stood a chance. His heart gave in at the first touch of hands. First accidental brush of shoulders. First indirect kiss. His heart stopped for a second at the clear memory.
After basketball practice. While he was sitting in the audience seats. Sipping on his newly bought iced americano. The boy walked towards him with wide steps, covered in sweat with his halfway raised hem of the basketball jersey. His toned muscled were visible but the sight didn’t last long as he let go of the end of it after he wiped the sweat off of his forehead with it. Stupid grin on his face as usual. He took the iced americano from Regulus’ hand without breaking eye contact.
“I’m parched, let me get some of that.” and with that Regulus could only stare at him with tightly shut lips. Frowned brows of his softened as he watched James drink all of his coffee. The older boy took a glance of the finished coffee and shook a little with a smirk.
“Shame, it was bitter as hell but thanks.” He dunked the cup at the nearest trash bin and started running after he looked at Regulus one last time.
“Don’t leave after the practice, I’ll buy you a new one.” and winked before he left the younger one speechless. Regulus did wait for him despite looking like he was disturbed by what James did. He wasn’t. He just sat there, hands flexing at his sides as he told himself thousand times that they just shares an indirect kiss.
I’m a thread on your shirt that is coming undone
Another one, on his seventeenth birthday. Sirius gathered everyone including Regulus’ friends at James’ house. So much for a small gathering among friends. There were fourteen people in the house gathered in the backyard by the pool. Everyone celebrated him and gave present except for one. James.
After most of them fell asleep on random places in the house, Regulus was done trying to wake up drunk and high Barty in the bath tub. He kicked his foot and left the bathroom. While he was looking for the promised guest bedroom, James held his arm him making him slightly turn his body to him. James looked nervous but Regulus only blamed his imagination. He had no reason to be nervous after all. The older one scratched the back of his neck as he let go of Regulus’ arm. He stared at him blankly and James reached out of his pocket and pulled out a small packet. He then celebrated him again in a low voice.
“Happy birthday again, Regulus.”
Regulus took the small packet out of his stretched hand. Heart slowly increasing its beat.
“It reminded me of you while i was out. Thought might be a good present for your birthday.” His smile shy on his face, eyes studying Regulus’ expression.
Regulus thanked him in a surprised tone. He didn’t expect any present from James. This one was his first.
“Open it.” said James, waiting impatiently. Regulus ripped open the red gift package, a silver snake bracelet with emerald eyes came out of it. It was beautiful.
Regulus smiled, happiness reaching his eyes but he act nonchalantly. At least he tried to.
“You didn’t have give me anything. But thank you, it’s…chic.” His eyes darted between the bracelet and James and the older boy reached to the bracelet. “Let me help you put it on?” ton of his voice raised a question and Regulus just nodded. James took the bracelet and fastened it around his wrist. They looked at each other as the act ended.
“It really suits you, I’m glad I found something for you.” Before Regulus can open his mouth, James hugged him. Tight. Unexpected.And it wasn’t short. The hug lasted for four seconds. Regulus would know because he counted the seconds, trying to tame his wild heart. James bid good night after the hug, giving him a small pat on the back before leaving Regulus in the hall without knowing the noisy confusion in Regulus’ head.
I feel right, I feel wrong, I feel totally insane
And I want you more than any stupid song could ever say.
Regulus felt like he was running, leaving behind all of his worries as he kept singing the lyrics. Hands on keys moved with ease and went faster as the song played on. He was loud now. So loud in fact that he didn’t even notice the noise coming outside of the window. Something fell over. A flower pot.
Walking through the park with my head high
Past all the college girls and the drunk guys.
A boy stood by the open window. Shocked with what he is hearing. He was there since Regulus started playing the piano. He was playing basketball with his friend until the bastard decided it was a good idea to kick the basket ball. It went flying all the way over to the secluded music room. He was frustrated at first because he had to run while he was extremely tired and he was sure his legs was on the verge of giving up but boy was he glad that he did because it led him to this. Regulus playing piano and singing. His voice smooth and perfect. Controlled with precision. He didn’t even know how he thought of recording this moment but he couldn’t help it despite his guilt.
James was stunned at the sound of Regulus’ voice and he tried not to breath loudly as he was sure the boy inside thought he was alone and no one could hear him. Regulus was like that, James knew this much. His heart beat like crazy and his phone still in his hand as he tried so hard not to sneak a peak inside the room. He wanted to etch this moment to his memory.
And if there’s a God, he’s the bond that’s between us two.
He felt his mouth muscles hurt because of how much he tried to refrain his smile but gave up quickly. It was a futile attempt. He didn’t stand a chance. This was everything.
Seven nights alone and a skipped meal
I’m sleeping in your shirt and my high top converse.
And I’m too shy to say what I see when I dream of you
James gulped. Regulus had feelings for someone, it was clear to him. Any idiot could see that now. It hurt him but he never gave up on hoping. He tried to be subtle about his every move, every word around Regulus. Hinted his feelings very carefully as not to make him weirded out. He was Sirius’ little brother but come on! Even Sirius made faces to him every time Regulus was around. Remus knew about his feelings for Regulus all along since he made that “You are very obvious and it’s embarrassing” face whenever he tried to act cool around Regulus. However, Regulus was indifferent to him no matter how much he tried to hint it to him. He then later came to the conclusion that those were Regulus’ silent rejection. The boy was not even looking at his way.
You’re spark in the dark and my clothes are caught aflame
You should feel what I feel when somebody says your name.
I’m a car speeding down the boulevard without a brake
And I want you more than any stupid song could ever say.
He agreed with the lyrics. James wanted Regulus more than any piece of art could ever express. He closed his eyes and couldn’t help but mouth the lyrics as Regulus sang them. Two of them feeling the same without knowing. Two hearts matching one another’s rhythm.
I’m a thread of your shirt that is coming undone
I feel right, I feel wrong, I feel totally insane
And I want you more than any stupid song could ever say.
He thought about showing himself at that point. Because Regulus probably thought he was alone and was unaware of James’ presence by the window who have been listening to him since the beginning of his secret performance. However, he acted against it. He wanted to hear more, to feel more.
Every night like the one before
Dream of you from like 1.00 to 4.00
Positively and truly sure
Nobody’s wanted somebody more.
“I want you more.” thought James. “I want you more than anything, my heart yearns for you.”
His free hand flexed on his side as he opened his eyes and decided to look at Regulus even for a moment he wanted not only hear but to see him sing. He ducked his head carefully and met with the most beautiful sight he has ever seen in his entire life.
It’s a thing that I can’t ignore
Tell your friends that you’re mine, I’m yours
With a hand on my heart, I swore
Nobody’s wanted somebody more.
He put his hand on his chest where his whomping heart is. Eyes still locked on Regulus whose eyes were tightly shut and played the piano nonstop, it almost seemed like he was in a trance. James could stare at him all day like this. He could admire him from afar forever if it meant feeling this alive. James could feel the urge of his muscles trying to move him toward Regulus. He was resisting the urge with everything in him, spending every ounce of patience along the way. It was getting harder and harder with every passing moment.
I’m going crazy, I’m going mad
I want you, baby, so bad.
James’ already wide eyes went even wider with the word. He’d never heard Regulus say baby before. Forget the endearment he hadn’t even said it to refer a literally baby before. James would know sinde he paid close attention to every word that came out of Regulus’ mouth. He felt his legs tingle. He was on the verge of giving up, it was getting harder to not approach Regulus.
You’re a spark in the dark and my clothes caught aflame
You should feel how I feel when somebody says your name
I’ma car speeding down the boulevard without a brake
And I want you more than any stupid song could ever say
James made up his mind. He was now waiting for the song to be finished even though he never wanted this moment to come to an end.
I’m a heart made of wax and I’m melting in the sun
I’m a thread on your shirt that is coming undone
I feel right, I feel wrong, I feel totally insane
Regulus stopped playing, exhaled softly before taking a slow breath in.
And I want you more than any stupid song could ever say.
He sang the last lyrics quietly and opened his eyes ever so slowly. Still unaware of James because he whipped his head and pressed himself against the wall in a flash.
Regulus stared at his hands for a while. The feeling growing inside of his chest and the voices he couldn’t manage to keep quiet finally dimmed a little. But only a little. Because now, he felt invincible with the sudden rush of confidence. He wanted to run. Run to James and yell at his face that he loved him and couldn’t stop the growing fondness. He shook is head as he sighed.
Just as he was preparing to get up, the door of the music room opened with a loud thud. He shot up at the sight of the person at the door.
It was James.
Fuck.
Regulus tried to find his words but he could only stare at him as he was in pure shock. He was positive he was alone and even though James came here after he finished his stupid breakdown, there was no way in hell he didn’t hear him. Regulus felt mortified. He wanted to ground to break open and bury himself right then and there.
James took his time before taking a step towards Regulus, his breath steady now unlike before. As he got closer to the other boy, he noticed the white knuckled fists of Regulus. He didn’t want him to run away so he stopped before he took another step.
They stood there for a moment and right when James was about to speak, Regulus cut him.
“How long have you been here?” Brows frowned and ears red. His stare was deadly and he looked something between furious and embarrassed. James couldn’t tell because he was bas at reading emotions on people’s faces. He wet his lips before parting them slightly. Eyes fixed on pale grey eyes. They reminded of a destructive storm right now. He could see the lightnings and storm clouds in Regulus’ eyes. James didn’t want to alert him so he spoke calmly despite the rush in his blood.
“I’ve been here the whole time and I want you to stay where you are because there is something i’d like to tell you.” His expression was soft and a little nervous. His heart hit against his ribcage hard enough to hurt him.
Regulus shook his head slowly, body stiff with emotion. “ I don’t want to talk right know.”
And he bolted towards the door and before he could take another step James held his arm again and turned him back. They were close but could be closer. It was not close enough but he was in Regulus’ personal space now and it made him excited. Pale grey eyes locked with golden brown and James let go of his arm as he finally felt brave enough.
“I-”
“No,” said Regulus without giving James a chance to speak.
“I don’t want to hear it, any of it. How dare you eavesdrop on me? Can’t you see how mad I am right now to even- even look at you?”He turned his back and then turned right back to James again. His lips parted then closed then parted then closed. James observed his every movement carefully.
“Why would you do this? Why are you even here? You and your lot never come to school on weekends and it’s saturday today. You should be out with-i don’t know, with your friends. With anyone, everyone. You shouldn’t be here. James, why, just why are you here? Why didn’t you go back if you heard me?” Regulus panted when he came to the end of his words. His face was flushed and his eyes looked at James to find a reason why he was here.
James just watched him with fondness and curiosity. As if he was waiting more of Regulus’ reaction. When nothing came from Regulus, he hold both of Regulus’ arms with his hands and look deeply in his eyes before saying a word. Regulus’ eyes faltered with the sudden touch. They were close again but could be closer. Always could be closer.
James watched him while he still held him in his place. He wet his lips once more before he spoke.
“ I stayed because I heard you. I stayed longer because I wanted to hear you more. You sound…just perfect. Music to my ears, yeah?” He smirked but Regulus didn’t even entertain the thought of moving a muscle. He felt rigid.
James’ expression seemed to soften even more as he raised one of his hands and slowly brushed his finger across Regulus’ cheek. Regulus could tell from the relief his muscles that he let his guard down. He still could’t believe what was happening but he felt alive. More alive than ever. James continued talking.
“It’s been three years since I’ve known you and Regulus…You cannot tell me you haven’t notice the way I am to you , right?” His question was met with a confused look. Regulus mumbled into the space between them.
“I was obvious but…but I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Regulus frowned.
“James what are you trying to imply right now?”
James’ expression turned desperate. His eyes darted between Regulus’ eyes and lips.
“I’m saying I love you, Regulus.”
Regulus’ breath caught up between his teeth. He closed his eyes for a moment then blinked. He said trying to understand if this was real or not.
James closes the space between them and he rested his hand on Regulus’ cheek. His thumb was caressing and his eyes were asking for permission.
Regulus spoke again, calmer this. His tone soft and barely audible.
“Say that again.” He was looking right at James’ golden brown eyes.
A smile tugged at James’ lips.
“You’re a spark in the dark,” he began to lean towards Regulus, more after each lyric. Regulus let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had bern holding. James continued.
“And my clothes are caught aflame,”
their shoes’ tips touched.
“You should feel how i feel when somebody says your name” James let go of Regulus’ arm and held him by the waist this time.
“I’m a car speeding down the boulevard without a brake,” Regulus closed his eyes when the tip of their noses touched, he tilted his head slightly. And he took one last glance at James before he closed his eyes again.
They said the last one together.
“And I want you more than any stupid song could ever say.”
Their lips touched. A chaste kiss between them. One turned into two then three and then they slowly parted their lips. James sucked his bottom lip softly at first, warming up. Regulus wrapped his arms around James and pulled him closer. James held him tightly and sucked hip hard one time before breaking the kiss. They didn’t move their heads, breathing in each other’s mouths.
“I love you.” said James before going in for another kiss.
They made out and held each other for a while in the music room. Fresh air of spring teasing their hair. Time was no longer a concept they felt familiar. It felt endless.
Regulus broke their passionate kiss this time. James looked helpless and worried. It was clear he thought he did something wrong but Regulus reassured him with a brush of his finger on the corner of his lips.
He looked at James for a while, he couldn’t grasp the actual passing of time.
“I love you too.”
-Fin