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It’s one of those days.
Yesterday you were fine, completely fine! In fact, you were excited for today. You and Len have a date planned, and it’d be your first time wearing a suit. You were looking forward to this for weeks, it felt like forever. Now that moment is here… and you feel like garbage.
You swear your chest is still there under the binder, your button up looks stuffy, your pants make you look too curvy, no matter what you do you can’t fix it. Nothing, nothing, nothing. It feels like that girl will always come back in the mirror to taunt you. It’s death by a thousand paper cuts.
You’re too zoned in on yourself to notice that your boyfriend, Len, is standing behind you. He’s adjusting the sleeves of his jacket while he watches you stare at yourself. You’ve given up on trying to fix your outfit, all you can do is stand there and stare. Len knows that look all too well, it doesn’t take a single word for him to know what’s wrong.
“Babe? You-”
“Good! I’m alright…”
Your fast response was all the evidence he needed to be certain. He knows you’re dysphoric.
“... You seen my tie anywhere?” He changes the subject, trying to pull you outta the dark. He brushes your hair outta the way to see your face fully, brushing his hand against your cheek.
“Oh, that’s what you’re asking? It’s right there.” You pointed towards his light blue tie that stood out on the dark desk. “If it was a snake, it would’ve bitten you.”
Len lets out a light scoff. “What are you, my dad?” He says as he grabs his tie and walks back over to you. “Wanna do the honors?”
You nod and begin putting his tie on him.
You can’t help but notice… how nice he looks. Your hands linger over his shoulders and chest longer than they need to. He’s so handsome, you can’t help but feel a bit of jealousy. Your words leave before you can think about them.
“I thought I'd look…” you stop. You glance at Len, his waiting expression tells you that you’ve already said too much to go back. “...better? I guess… I was expecting too much.”
The only thing breaking your silence is your awkward laughter. The disappointment feels more soul crushing than crying dramatically would’ve.
Len nods, “Yeah, I've had days like that.” He chuckles while scratching the back of his head. “They’re a bitch, aren’t they?” You can tell he understands, but at this point you can’t bring yourself to speak again.
Without saying a word, he slips off his large orange jacket and drapes it over you. You can feel his warmth straight from it. The jacket is way too large for you, Len liked his jackets as baggy as possible, but when you get a whiff of his smell, you can’t help but melt into it.
It’s a moment before the confusion washes over you. When you look up at him, all he does is shrug. “Try it.”
You look in the mirror again. You see your silhouette morph in real time. The jacket hangs over your hips, and makes your shoulders look broader. It’s subtle, you don’t even think Len is seeing the changes, but it’s much better, more comfortable. It’s no instant remedy, but for the first time in a while, you can finally stand to look at yourself.
Len smiles softly, you’re the only person who sees such an expression so often, “You know, I bought a ton of jackets like these.”
You look up at him, able to crack a smile back at him. “Really? Would’ve never guessed.”
He very gently shoves you at your sarcastic remark before gently playing with your hair while he continues to speak. “They didn’t always work..” he shrugged “but they’d make me feel better y’know? You really should get a few, you look cute in mine.” You can’t help but blush at his remark.
“Maybe I will.” You laugh softly “You make choosing clothes seem easy.”
Len kissed your forehead as he adjusted your shirt, brushing lint off you. He steps back, looking you up and down. You stand straighter, expecting him to tell you that something’s missing.
But all he says is, “There you are.” He steps forward, pulling you in for a quick kiss “There’s my handsome man.”
And just like that, your day was much better.
Throughout the date, you found yourself feeling comfortable and confident. Any dysphoric thoughts would quickly melt away anytime you remembered who’s jacket you had on. You’d occasionally fidget away at the jacket’s sleeve. Anytime he noticed, he’d smile.
At the end, you and Len were walking home under the moonlight. You haven’t taken the jacket off for a second, and Len noticed. “You can keep it y’know.”
The words he said felt out of the blue, almost blasphemous. Why would you even dream of taking his iconic jacket?! “What?! I can’t, it’s yours!”
“Duh,” he elbows you playfully” and I’m letting you have it.
It’s been weeks, and almost every day, you’ve worn that jacket. It’s second nature at this point. His jacket hangs in your closet. Anytime you catch your reflection with it on, you can’t help that confident smile that creeps on your face. Len wraps his arms around you and plants a kiss on your cheek, looking in the mirror with you.
“Told ya you look cute in it.”