Chapter Text
Darkness…darkness is the first thing he…she?? began to comprehend.
A darkness that clouded my entire being where no light, noise or feeling that seemed capable of piercing through it. There was nothing to do, to feel, to say, to act. There was no ounce of strength to pull from for you to free yourself nor was there a way to hide from it.
You felt…disconnected (sounded about right) from yourself in a outer body experience.
If you had a body you truly could not feel it, If you had arms they felt like noodles, If you had legs you might as well be in wheelchair, If you had eyes you would’ve guessed that you were blind and If you were alive-
-it certainly didn’t feel that way.
In this limbo of subconscious and unconsciousness there was nothing left to do, there is nothing you could do. It leaves you alone in your own thoughts, to piece together this hazy mess of a situation.
Perhaps some context would help my peace of mind, you assumed. So with your decision in place you submerged deeper into yourself, rummaging through your latent mind in search of the answers you felt you rightfully deserved. Memories of how you got here, how this situation came to be, where you are and last but not least;
Who you were-
…only stop halfway…
…
…
Perhaps I searched wrong, you believe…
…
…
Perhaps I missed something, you pray…
…
…
Maybe if I try harder, you delude yourself…
…
…
…
1:You weren’t a quitter, you always tried exhausting all options available until there’s nothing.
2:You were stubborn, didn’t like leaving things halfway even if proven it’s worthless.
3:You were pragmatic, you were capable of steeling yourself when it was necessary and facing reality for what it was.
Those were the very few answers I could extract from myself in this entire experience…because this answer sounded better than what reality was shaping itself to be, didn’t it.
To be honest it was a very bare bones answer that doges the question more then answer anything. It answered very little to all of the questions that just kept piling more and more the thought you couldn’t even answer one, like a guillotine that kept rising and rising to deliver the final sentence that you dreaded answering honestly.
Of course I couldn’t answer a single one, how could you even?
Why. It’s because-
I knew nothing.
Not a single memory prior to now.
Your pretty sure that’s not even how amnesia works. You either lose the ability to look at some long term memories from you latent mind or you can’t form new long lasting memories.
You? You don’t remember anything.
Lucky you, breaking the mold.
(You didn’t feel all that lucky).
I didn’t know why it dark? Why I knocked out? If it was a coma? Waking up from a deep sleep? Incapable of opening my eyes? Am paralyzed? Did you know anyone? Where you Blind?-…
Do I even have eyes?
The fact that you couldn’t even answer that made you hysterical.
Questions began piling up even further before you even could unpack one.
Why is it dark?
Am I asleep or awake?
Am I dreaming?
Am I dead
Am I alive?
Am I home?
Am I in a hospital?
Do I have a family?
Do I have friends?
Do deserve them?
Is this karma?
Is this hell?
Where is my body?
Where does my body begin?
Where does my body end?
Am I human?
Where am I?
When am I?
…
…
Who even am I?
What’s.
my.
Name?!?!
…
…
…
But action had to be taken if there was any chance for a life.
If you’re not growing, you’re dying…and I simply to stubborn to let this drown you entirely.
Steadying my thoughts I let myself panic dry out and focus on everything else, shelving the questions for another time.
The second feeling was…not one I would’ve expected; weight, heaviness…more specifically in my back.
Not the type you would think of when waking up from a deep sleep, more like someone climbed on top of you without your consent.
But it wasn’t someone. Of all things to be confident about, this you were somehow certain. No, if someone were on top I would be able to feel their warmth, their body shape on top of yours, hear their voice, hear their giggles and teasing, ultimately push them off.
Instead it felt…flat. Not a head, shoulders, arms, legs nothing that would personalize or indicate a human body on top of yourself.
If you could describe further it felt as cold as a the warmth of the human succumbing to the cold of death. (Wait. What?) Deeply cold, rigid in places and I was sure I felt dirt in my back to my growing displeasure (Whoever you are, you will be hearing from me if you’re actually hugging me and haven’t showered yet) but worse then the even unnerving cold bathing it or the…dirt in your back, simply…it was detached.
It felt deeply distant, very unpleasant and extremely to me on a surprisingly personal level enough to feel tingle in my spine. After all, who would want a relationship to start with your first opinions on them being ‘Cold and Distant’. Perhaps I was looking at this from a wrong angle, who said it had to be human.
Yes, heavy; it was very very heavy, no particular form you could note, flat, and extremely. No human with self respect would be your first guess.
If I were once a betting man, you would say it felt more like…
…like a rock-
“…Augh”
Oh would you look at that.
Even though my complaint hadn’t sounded particularly manly and more like a choking pigeon, the first question I had ever developed has been answered by none other than my own whining: That voice, slightly raspy either due to my gender or the stone my back crushing my lungs, was one of a male and it came from my own tongue.
We’re finally getting somewhere.
“…Owww…”
The third feeling… made me think a coma would have been the preferable answer to all my previous queries.
Pain.
Lots of it
If a doctor asked me where does the pain start? I’d answer everywhere…although it would be a very difficult task to voice it due to my wheezing and lack of air entering my lungs. That rock on my back making cough uncontrollably certainly did me no favors in this situation either.
Yeah no, I’ve had enough of this.
Slowly but steadily pulling myself upwards from my bed now identified as dirt into a stance. As I rose slowly putting all the strength available and pouring it down to my arms and legs could muster pushing whatever was on top.
Little rocks began sliding off clattering to the side. Little by little that sound got slightly louder and eventually understood why I had felt so heavy.
It wasn’t just some pebble he was buried under…he was buried under rocks, big ones at that. If I were a betting man I would say most of them were around the size of his head across his entire back…yeah not fun.
Is a coma still on the table?
Finally, finally, my back frees itself from the all the rubble still folding as feel my knees aching and my hands shaking. Breathing didn’t feel as much as a chore while greedily gulping a large sum of air into my needy lungs.
For all of my troubles, I was showered with the first rays of sunshine in my memory, vanquishing the dark lingering my eyes until it became to much that I had to cover myself with hands. (Thank goodness for those)
Still covering my face though, I shakily stand up…and open eyes.
…
What greets me isn’t sterilized white room or anything one would call their own personal chamber, it looked like a he was in the middle of a forest.
An expansion of trees all around me, bushes, dead branches and flowers that were stuck in the laws of earth were now interrupted by a crater that you came out of. Rubble and dust still falling from your clothes and making you look like someone who had been crashed down by building falling on top.
Oh yes, your clothes…or what’s left of them. Although they had been showered by dust sadly it had not been the only form of punishment they had received.
I was wearing a white coat… well more of a subjective kind of ‘white’. Dirt decided to smear your coat from a likely beautiful white straight out of a sheet of paper into white and brown combo best described as a used toilet paper, downright disgusting, you wouldn’t be caught wearing this if you can help it. It also had tears from the rubble but that felt like the least of your concerns regarding the ‘used’ coat.
Thankfully I could take it off and wrap it around my waist due the shirt underneath. A dark gray shirt that was scratched slightly on the shoulder but otherwise it could’ve been worse.
He would rather get seen with a slightly depressing shirt rather than a coat with a stain on it.
So let me see if I got the entire picture right:
I had no memory, no human nearby, I was in the middle of nowhere, most likely dead broke, no guarantee for any source food or water, dirt and soot covered every inch of my skin and I had a used toilet paper for a coat strapped in my waist that was either becoming a memento or getting thrown in the trash.
Great.
No, that’s perfect even.
This sounds like a good time to go camping. Oh let’s just go ahead in hits rocks with my dense skull, surely everything will be fine and I won’t just cave myself, or whatever the alternative reason is for me to have been inside an actual crater in the middle of forest number three and somehow survive!!
What a wonderful time to be alive. No pressure at all.
In the middle of nowhere, no sign of a human anywhere, with a slight injuries in my back, sore arms and legs, and to add fuel to the flames; HIS BACK STILL FEELS HEAV-!!
Oh shit is that a backpack on me?