Archive of Our Own

Warning

- This work uses jokes and references based on real-life racing history.
- Everything in this story is fiction and has no relation whatsoever to any real people or organizations.

On a snowy day, a burning festival was being held at a shrine I happened to stop by.

The wood crackled. One log after another split with sharp pops, and the flames rose higher.
Ash drifted up with the sparks, soaring into the sky.

"It's beautiful."

The profile you turned toward the fire as you said that.
I still cannot forget your eyes, lit so alluringly by the flames.

Cursed objects, apparently, are best dealt with by burning them.

There was a brand-new white envelope sitting on my desk. It was a cursed object. The tip of my pen was still faintly damp. The letter inside had been folded in half and sealed with care only moments ago. It was a cursed object. On the front was the name of the Uma Musume I loved most, my own trainee. The smell of glue stung my nose with a disturbing vividness. Let me say it again: this was a cursed object.

I really went and did it.

The words exploded through my head before they could ever leave my mouth.
Even if I smacked my head against the nearest wall with a loud thunk, the evidence of my crime would still be sitting there in front of me, wearing an innocent face. Of course it would. I was indisputably the one who had brought this thing into the world. What the hell was I doing?

"Haaah..."

When I first started writing, I had not meant to create something like this. Truly. Honestly, all I had wanted to do was sort out my feelings a little. Just that.

I had been with Stay Gold for a long time. There were stretches when she went off on her journeys and I was alone, yes, but even then she was always right beside me. A girl who stayed in the very center of my heart, like a star that kept burning whether I could see it or not.
Morning and night, on rainy days and sunny ones. The smell of the grounds, the sound of horseshoes, the feel of sweat-damp gloves—every bit of it had become part of my life. I was happy when she won. On nights when I imagined the possibility of her being injured in a race, I could not sleep a wink. She was the girl I had staked my entire life on. When she smiled, something deep inside my chest turned warm.

And at the same time, it hurt just as much.

Every time I saw Stay Gold laughing among girls her own age, something inside my chest pricked. Every time I saw her standing shoulder to shoulder with them so casually, a dark, shapeless feeling spread through me.

I told myself it was only worry.
I lied to myself and called it the perspective of a guardian.
But at night, I could no longer keep up that lie.

I wish we could stay together forever.

The moment those words appeared in my head, I recoiled from myself. What was I thinking? Before she was my fellow traveler, she was younger than me, underage, a student, and my trainee—

So I took up a pen.

Maybe if I put it into words, I would finally understand what it really was. That was what I thought. At first I meant to write something calm and ordinary: how precious our time together had been, how proud I was that I had been allowed to watch her grow from the closest possible place, how I wanted Stay Gold to be happy from here on out as well.

There was so much I wanted to write.

But before I could put any of that down, I realized the pen had stopped, trembling in my hand. This wasn't it. What I felt for her was heavier than that, sharper than that—something no one in the world would understand.

The feelings I had suppressed for so long came spilling out as if a dam had burst.

And by the time I noticed, it was already too late.

In the end, these were the only words I wrote.

I wanted to become your bride.

It was, in every sense of the phrase, an utterly deranged letter.

"...Uwaaaaaaaah!?"

My voice cracked on the spot.
Still staring down at that sentence I had written with my own hand, I tipped backward in my chair. The edges of my vision flashed. A dull ache throbbed deep in my head. I couldn't tell whether I wanted to laugh, cry, or scream. Emotions I couldn't even name came rushing up into my throat all at once—

"N-no, that's not—! I don't think that!"

I nearly collapsed face-first onto the desk, but stopped myself at the last second. The ink had not fully dried yet. Some bizarrely coolheaded part of me was still functioning enough to decide I absolutely could not smudge the envelope. So instead I knocked my forehead lightly against the wall. Then again. Harder the second time.

"What am I doing...? What the hell did I write!?"

I disgusted myself. I was pathetic. Humiliating. And hopelessly, irredeemably foolish. I almost grabbed the envelope in my fist, then hurriedly opened my hand again. If I wrinkled it, it would somehow feel even more viscerally real. I was scared to even touch it.
My gaze wandered across the desktop. The pen, the bottle of ink, the stationery—every last thing looked like an accomplice.

"I should burn it... no, but I can't do that right now... I can't..."

Should I set it on fire this instant? No, no, no, absolutely not. If I started a fire in the trainer's office, I would have bigger problems than disciplinary action.
Rip it up? No. Even if I tore it to pieces, the words would still exist. The memory would still exist. The fact that I had written it would still exist.
Throw it away? Out of the question. What if someone saw it? The academy collected its trash. Under no circumstances could another person lay eyes on this.

"...Burning it really is the only option, huh... figures..."

I spent several minutes agonizing over how to carry out the perfect crime, and in the end burning it to ash still seemed like the best course of action. More than fearing someone might discover it, I felt that if I wanted to sublimate this nauseating adult woman's wish and clear a new path forward for myself, there was no other way. I wanted my feelings for her to rise to heaven together with this letter.

Then I could go back to everyday life as though nothing had ever happened. I had that much confidence.

"When should I burn it...?"

I glanced down through the window. If I remembered correctly, behind the trainer building there was an old incinerator. It was not, strictly speaking, a facility individual trainers were allowed to use as they pleased. It had been officially shut down ages ago because of regulations about dioxins and the like, and on paper the whole area was off-limits.
Even so, trainers were entrusted with trainee personal information, confidential training know-how, and data that could not be leaked outside the academy. Because of that, there were always some papers that had to be made to vanish from this world completely. There were people even now who would try to reconstruct shredded documents. And emotionally, many trainers couldn't bear the thought of leaving such things to an outside disposal contractor.
So without anyone formally deciding it, the old incinerator had long since become one of those places trainers treated as fine to use as long as you didn't get caught. The academy probably knew, at least vaguely—but deliberately chose not to interfere. It was that kind of unofficial understanding.

"If it's there..."

For example, around the end of the school year.
When Stay Gold graduated, there would be mountains of paper to sort through and throw away. If I mixed it into a pile of unwanted documents and reduced it to ash as just another unremarkable scrap of paper, surely that would be easy enough.

"...Deep breaths. Deep breaths."

I muttered it softly to myself, as if I were trying to convince my own body. At the very least, I clearly did not have the courage to throw it into a fire right this second. I wasn't a smoker, so I didn't even have a lighter or anything else on hand that could burn it.
I picked up the envelope delicately with my fingertips. The feel of brand-new paper was so painfully real that my stomach clenched again. I had written the name on the front myself, and yet now it looked like someone else's handwriting.

"...The real problem is that I have to keep this thing with me for another month, huh..."

I looked at the calendar. It was mid-February. The thought that I had to live alongside this bomb for another full month filled me with a certain degree of terror, but this mess was entirely of my own making, so I had no choice but to accept it. Perhaps it was the one stroke of good luck in all this that Stay Gold was away on one of her long journeys and not around.
I opened the lowest drawer of my desk. Old training logs, a worn pencil case, expired paperwork—and farther back than those, in a place hardly touched by light at all. Here, surely, only I would know.

I slipped the envelope gently inside.
I wedged it between papers, pushing it deeper and deeper so that as little of it as possible could be seen.

Please stay asleep here. Please.

I closed the drawer quietly.
It clicked shut with a small, neat sound, almost like locking something away.

"What am I supposed to do now...?"

The top of my desk was perfectly tidy, as if there had never been anything on it to begin with. And yet, deep inside my chest, the feelings I had finally acknowledged lay there, sunk to the bottom.

A very small ember—
And one that would never go out.

"Well... for all my hemming and hawing, time really did fly."

And before I knew it, it was the end of the school year.

The cold bite of winter had faded at some point, and hints of cherry blossoms had begun to mingle with the air in the courtyard. Ever since becoming an adult, time had started moving frighteningly fast. Even more so when she wasn't around. That was the sort of meaningless thing I found myself thinking about.
There were two cardboard boxes on my desk. One held papers I was keeping; the other held papers to be thrown away. Idly nudging a stack of documents with the tip of my pen, I gazed out the window in a daze.

"...It already feels like the graduation ceremony happened ages ago..."

The words slipped out before I could stop them.

With a flower pinned to her chest, Stay Gold had gone up on stage with the same breezy, inscrutable expression she always wore and accepted her diploma. I barely remembered the guest speeches or the principal's address, honestly. The only thing I remembered clearly was her back.

After the ceremony, she had come to the trainer's office and smiled a little shyly.

I'm glad I met you.

Her voice was still lingering in my ears.

"...No, focus. Cleanup. Cleanup."

As if I could shake the feelings off through force of will, I got back to sorting papers. Draft training plans, notices from the academy, schedule sheets, flyers I'd kept because I thought they might be useful someday—anything unnecessary went into the box.
Then I opened the lowest drawer of my desk. A faint rustle of paper. Beneath the expired documents, it was still there.

A stark white envelope. The thing I had never once managed to forget.

My heart gave a massive thud.

"...At last, it's goodbye."

I lifted it lightly with my fingertips. Maybe it was simple favoritism, or maybe it was because we'd spent nearly a month together, but by the end I had somehow even grown attached to it. The contents were somewhat—no, wildly—unhinged, admittedly.

Farewell. To you, Stay Gold—and to these feelings of mine.

I understood that much in my head, and yet my hand refused to move. Even if it all turned to ash, would these feelings safely turn to ash along with it? Could I really pretend none of it had ever existed? Some part of me was still trying to find convenient excuses to hesitate. The sentimentality of my trainee's graduation was dragging me around by the heart. This was no good.

"You really are incapable of letting go..."
"Well, obviously. You're my trainer, after all."
"True. If I weren't, I wouldn't have come this—hm?"

That wasn't my voice. It was low and light and familiar. Yes—without question, it belonged to the former trainee I loved most.
I looked to the side on reflex.

She was only a single step away.

Stay Gold was standing right beside me before I had even noticed.

"Hyaaaaaaah!?"

A scream worthy of the word flew out of my throat. Even so, my survival instincts were impressively competent. Startled as I was, my hands moved of their own accord, and I shoved the envelope—

—with a rustle, hard and fast into the cardboard box for disposal, burying it deep under the stack of papers so it couldn't be seen.

"W-w-why are you here!? Since when!? And without making a sound!? That's terrifying!"

My heart was pounding like it wanted out of my chest.
Stay Gold widened her eyes just a little, then quickly shrugged and smiled.

"You don't have to panic that much. The window was open, so I came in through there."
"Th-th-th-this is the second floor!"

As she said that, she rested one hand lightly on the desk. Her gaze flicked to the box for disposal for only a moment, but she didn't press the issue.

"Anyway—you're making the face of someone wondering why I'm here."

Before I could say anything, she continued.

"I'm about to set off on a long journey. I won't be coming back to the academy for a while."
"! ...I see."
"So... I thought I ought to at least say goodbye properly before I left."
"...Yeah."

I glanced toward the window. Spring light illuminated her profile.

"The graduation ceremony didn't feel like enough."

I froze with the box in my arms. My mind was blank.

Of all times. Of all possible times to come.

"...Overseas?"

When I finally forced out the question, she gave a small nod.

"Wherever the road takes me. But I won't be able to come back easily."
"...That sounds like you, all right."
"So—I wanted to see your face before I go, Trainer."

That one sentence squeezed hard around something deep in my chest. At the same time, the weight of the cardboard box I was holding became painfully real. Inside it was the thing I had meant to discard. Including, of course, that envelope.

I shifted the box in my arms on instinct, almost as if I were protecting whatever was inside.

"...I see. So that's how it is..."

My voice came out slightly hoarse. Awkward enough that even I could hear it.

"...Don't get sick, okay? And don't get hurt. Make sure you stay well."

The moment I said it, a sharp ache ran through my chest. They weren't dramatic words, or fierce ones, and yet they came out with unbearable earnestness. Stay Gold narrowed her eyes for just a second. She wasn't teasing me or smiling—just looking at me quietly.

"...Yeah. I'll do my best."

A short answer, but a certain one. Then her gaze dropped to my arms.

"By the way."

Tilting her head slightly, she let her voice lift just a bit.

"What's in that box?"
"...Ah."

My arms tightened around it. It was a casual question, lightly tossed out, and yet it struck straight into the center of my chest.

"Uh, ah, this? Th-this is..."

The cardboard box in my arms suddenly felt absurdly heavy, as if what was inside had a will of its own and was accusing me.

"...Just papers. It's the end of the year, so there was a lot I didn't need anymore... s-so I was going to throw them all out together."

I ended up rushing through the last part. Idiot. Even I could tell how suspicious I sounded. There had to have been a better excuse than that.
Stay Gold glanced at the box, then back at me. Not probing. Not accusing. Just quietly looking.

"Huh."

She nodded shortly. But there was something in her eyes, like a cat that had just discovered a brand-new toy. This was bad. I hurriedly tried to steer the conversation elsewhere.

"So I was just on my way to get rid of it...! You know, once the new school year starts things will be busy, and if I don't do it now I'll just put it off!"

As I babbled, I took a step back, clutching the box to my chest like I was searching for an escape route. Stay Gold removed her hand from the desk and slowly walked closer. The breath she let out seemed to hold the faintest trace of warmth.

"Then I'll keep it brief."
"Wh-what are you—"

Little by little.
The distance between us narrowed naturally, even with the box still in my arms.

"We're not going to see each other for a while."

Her voice dropped lower.
It still held its usual easy lightness, but there was something soft in it now too. I couldn't move. I couldn't run, and I couldn't stop her. All I could do was stand there rooted to the spot. She came to a halt directly in front of me, set her fingers lightly against my chin, and tipped my face up.
Our eyes met perfectly.

She clicked her tongue softly.

Too close.
Far too close.

I could feel her breathing at that distance. She smelled faintly of spring grass and clean soap.

"This much is fine, isn't it?"

And with that she closed the distance even more. Her face drifted slowly toward my cheek. Her gaze was direct. There was no sign that she meant to let me escape.

"W-wait, hold on—"

The words snagged in my throat halfway through. Her warmth was right there. The tips of her hair were almost brushing my cheek, and my shoulders tensed without permission.

At that exact moment—

"Wait!"

Acting on pure reflex, I took half a step back with the box still clutched to my chest. Stay Gold stopped. Her lips froze only centimeters away from my cheek.

"...Too bad. I thought I had that."

Her voice wasn't teasing, and it wasn't accusing. If anything, it sounded just a little regretful.
Heat rushed to my face.

"N-no, that's not it! It's not that I didn't want it, I just—got startled...! And besides, you know, we don't really have that kind of culture in Japan!"

I was trying far too hard. I could hear my own voice cracking. Stay Gold narrowed her eyes briefly—and then laughed.

"You really are serious to the bitter end, huh?"
"Eheh... eheh heh..."
"Well, fine."

She slowly straightened up and put some distance back between us. Even so, her gaze remained gentle. She gave a little shrug and looked out the window.

"I don't want to rush you. You've got things you need to do, don't you?"

Then she looked back at me.

"See you."

Smiling brightly, as if nothing at all had happened, she left me behind and sent me out of the room.

"...What was that just now?"

The heat still hadn't left my cheeks, but a strange haze had settled in my chest.
Had she been teasing me?
Trying to encourage me?
Or had that truly just been a simple parting gesture?

"Don't do things that make me get the wrong idea..."

With nothing at all resolved, I let out a small breath. If we were both in love—what a ridiculous fantasy to let myself entertain. It was her fault for putting thoughts like that in my head. Bad girl. Femme fatale. Idol.

"...Anyway, I'd better just burn it already."

I shifted the box in my arms and headed for the stairs. Every time the spring breeze slipped through, the smell of paper mixed with the scent of freshly waxed hallways and tickled my nose.

When I circled around to the deserted back side of the building, the old incinerator eventually came into view. Rusted iron door. Cracked concrete. A faded sign warning people to keep out. I set the box on the ground and opened it. A pile of unnecessary documents. Papers that had lost all meaning.

One by one, I tossed them into the incinerator.

Paper crackled softly.
Ash rose and dissolved into the spring sky.

This is for the best.
This is how it ends.

I repeated it to myself as the contents of the box steadily dwindled. Before long I could see the bottom.

"Last, that one..."

With pathetic reluctance, I reached out for the letter I'd saved for the very end.

My fingertips sliced through empty air.

"...Huh?"

I looked at the pile of papers I'd thrown into the incinerator. I hadn't lit them yet, so I could even have reached in and checked. For one wild second I thought maybe I had accidentally tossed the envelope in with the others. But there was no white envelope there.

My blood ran cold all at once.
For an instant it felt like sound itself had gone distant.

"No way..."

I overturned the box and slapped at the bottom. Nothing came out. Of course nothing did. I looked at the ground. At my feet. At the edge of the incinerator.

It was nowhere.

Cold sweat ran down my back.

Did I drop it somewhere?

"N-no way..."

The worst possible image rose in my mind.

The trainer's office.

Back then, I know I panicked and shoved it in. But—had I really put it in the box? Or had I walked out leaving it on the desk?
Stay Gold's face surfaced in perfect clarity. The way she'd seemed slightly off. The distance between us. The way she had looked at me. The way she'd laughed.

"No way...!?"

I could practically hear the color draining from my face. I threw the box aside and tore back the way I'd come.

"Wait, no—!"

With the incinerator at my back, I broke into a full sprint. My breathing turned ragged. My feet tangled. My chest hurt. I ran up the stairs, tore down the hallway, and reached the trainer's office.

I grabbed the doorknob and flung the door open—

"That was quick."

Stay Gold raised the letter sheet lightly in one hand, showing it to me with a flutter.

This was the worst possible outcome.

She was there, just past the opened door.

Leaning lightly against the desk, toying with that white envelope between her fingers. Spring light streamed in through the window behind her, making the white of the paper painfully bright.

"That was quick."

Her voice was light.
But she wasn't smiling.
Only her gaze, fixed straight on me.

If despair were a shape a moment could take, then surely this was it.

Something caught in my throat. I couldn't speak. Still gripping the doorknob, I couldn't even take a single step. Stay Gold set the envelope on the desk and began to walk slowly toward me.

"You've been acting suspicious for a while now."
"..."
"So I arranged things a little."

Ah.
So that was it.

Coming in through the window.
Closing the distance so suddenly.
Even the way she'd all but chased me out of the room.

Every scattered point connected into one line.

She tilted her head just a fraction and, quietly but unmistakably, pronounced my sentence.

"...Did you want to become my bride?"

It felt as though the world flipped upside down.
I wanted to say no. I should have laughed it off. I could have said I wasn't the one who wrote it. There were any number of lies I could have chosen.
But nothing came out.
The denial stuck to the inside of my throat and refused to move.

Instead, something hot blurred my vision.

One drop fell.
Then more tears followed, sliding down my cheeks and refusing to stop.

"...nn...!"

Wordless sobbing.
Stay Gold, the envelope, everything that had happened up until now—it all felt like a chain binding me down and suffocating me. Her expression faltered, just slightly.

"...Trainer? Why are you crying—"

Confusion entered her voice for the first time.
The instant she took a step toward me—

"Don't come closer!!"

I twisted around and yanked the door shut with all my strength.

Bang!

The door slammed with a dull crash. I locked it from the outside. It was a pointless struggle; the trainer's office had an inside lock. Even so, I couldn't stop myself.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry—!"

Half-crying, half-screaming, I darted my gaze down the hallway. Desks that had been pulled out for waxing. A wheeled bookshelf. An old sofa with peeling leather. Because the trainer next door was retiring, large pieces of furniture had been left out in the hallway as well, by sheer dumb luck. I pushed all of them in front of the door with every ounce of strength I had. Call it hysterical adrenaline, if you like. At that point all I cared about was trapping her in there for even a little while.

A pounding noise came from the other side.

"Wha—hey!? What's all this!?"

Stay Gold's voice now held unmistakable alarm. She must have realized the door wouldn't open. For an Uma Musume, though, this was barely even an obstacle. If she got serious and shoved, it wouldn't buy me much time at all.

"...Trainer? Trainer!"
"..."

Her voice through the door was a mix of confusion and bewilderment. The pounding softened slightly. Clinging to the piled furniture, I gasped for breath. My vision swam with tears. My thoughts were a total mess, and none of them would turn into words.

"Please... right now..."

My voice shook.

"I don't want to talk to you right now..."

On the other side of the door, I felt her catch her breath. I pulled myself away from the barricade and staggered to my feet.

I wanted to run.
I wanted to make all of this disappear.

I bolted down the hallway and threw myself into the emergency stairwell.
If I stayed there any longer, she'd eventually force the door open and catch me. First I had to put distance between us. Downstairs was no good. She had gotten into the trainer's office through the window. If she'd done that, leaping down from a window to escape would be nothing for her. A human had no route to victory over an Uma Musume in terms of raw physical ability. The moment she found me, it would be over. Though really, given the circumstances, everything was already over.

I hesitated for only a second—then chose to go up, not down.

"Hah... hah...!"

I ran up the metal stairs, breathing hard. The corridors were silent in spring break emptiness, with only sparse lights left on. Even in broad daylight, the building felt strangely dim.
I spotted a room labeled Storage and shoved the door open on reflex.
The floorboards creaked. No one was inside. A few unused desks were stacked there, and a thin curtain hung over the window. I slipped inside and immediately shut the door behind me. There was no lock. I didn't care. I just needed to be alone somewhere.

My hand found a thick curtain that had been folded up with the extra supplies in the corner. It smelled faintly dusty. I pulled it over and wrapped it completely around myself, then crouched down by the wall near the window, sinking into the cloth as though hiding inside it. The weight of the fabric settled over my shoulders, darkening my vision. The cramped feeling of being cut off from the world protected my heart just a little.
The chill of the wall seeped into my back. Even so, I couldn't move from where I sat curled up beneath the fabric. In that narrow little space, my breathing settled a bit.
I hugged my knees and buried my face.

"...Uuuh..."

My tears finally spilled over in earnest.
The letter. Her words—Did you want to become my bride? The dull sound the door had made when I slammed it.

All of it echoed in my head.

Why did I do something so stupid?
Why didn't I get rid of it sooner?
What am I supposed to do now?

Inside the curtain, sounds from outside were strangely muffled. The dim light that filtered through the cloth swayed hazily, as if I had sunk to the bottom of a body of water. The dusty smell and the slightly damp heaviness of the fabric wrapped around my whole body, and every breath felt like it clogged my chest. I wanted to vanish. I wanted to go somewhere right now where nobody knew me. Somewhere even she could never reach. There was nothing left to protect, nothing left to hide, and yet my body only curled in tighter.

"...Waaah..."

The sobs stayed trapped in the back of my throat, and even so they would not stop. My shoulders trembled in tiny jerks. Tears ran down my chin, fell onto my knees, and soaked into the cloth. The weight of what I had done settled over my chest with a crushing delay.

Was Stay Gold angry?
Or had she already given up on me and gone on her way?

"...Tell me you hate me..."

That I was disgusting. That she never wanted to see my face again. That I was never to appear before her again as long as I lived. Better to be scorned, cursed, despised with all her heart. The little words I let slip were swallowed up inside the curtain and disappeared.

And then—

Clang, clang.

I heard footsteps on the emergency stairs outside.
I froze on instinct and listened through the cloth. The footsteps approached the third-floor corridor with an even rhythm. Shoes on the floor. Light, but utterly without hesitation.

They stopped once in the center of the hallway.

Don't come here, don't come here, don't come here...!

I prayed desperately inside my head. My body had locked up and wouldn't move. The footsteps came closer, one step at a time, toward this side of the hall. They stopped directly outside the empty room.

And then.

Knock, knock.

A soft, careful sound. From beyond the door came a voice I knew all too well.

"...Trainer."

It sounded a little like a boy's voice before it changed, carrying a note of quiet trouble.

"Can I come in?"

I couldn't answer.
Just give up on me and go wherever you like already—that was the petty, childish thing I was even thinking. The silence stretched for a few seconds. I thought I heard the faint sound of clothing shifting on the other side of the door, and then there was no voice at all.

Instead, there came the tiny click of the knob turning. I stopped breathing on reflex. The door creaked open. A thin blade of hallway light slipped through the gap and slowly widened. Quiet footsteps entered the room. Light as feathers, but sure. There was no hesitation in them.
Inside the curtain, my heart pounded loud enough to be deafening. Through the cloth, I could feel her steps across the floor.

One step.

Pause.

Another step.

Her footsteps stopped once in the middle of the room, as if her gaze were sweeping around it. Empty desks. Stacked supplies. The faint flutter of curtain cloth.

And then—

the footsteps stopped.

A human shadow fell across the fabric. Even by the shape of it alone, I knew who it was. The hem of the curtain quivered ever so slightly. Had she touched it, or had that been the wind? The motion was too small to tell.

A low, brief breath fell.

On the other side of the curtain, Stay Gold did not move.
That silence hurt more than anything. Because I knew she was waiting. Because I knew that meant running was no longer allowed.
My lips trembled. From my dried-out throat, I forced out the faintest thread of voice.

"...I'm sorry."

My ragged words stayed trapped inside the curtain. For a moment, everything outside went still. Hugging my knees, I lowered my eyes. Tears welled up again.
I should never have written a letter like that. I should never have crossed that line in the first place. If I had never realized it, I could have stayed only her trainer. I could have stayed right by her side. But instead I'd created this ember myself and then grown afraid when it flared up. I tried to make it all disappear for my own convenience.

Coward.
Freak.
Criminal.

Something deep inside me creaked as it rotted away all at once, and still the words did not stop.

"I'm sorry for betraying you."

My voice shook.

"I never meant for this to happen. I just..."

My throat closed up. Don't choose the wrong words. Don't disappoint her any more than I already have. I sucked in a breath and forced the rest out.

"I just wanted to be your fellow traveler. That's all."

There was a faint rustle from the other side. The slightest shift of her body.

"I'm the worst."

I closed my eyes. Tears ran down my cheeks and soaked quietly into the curtain fabric.

"I'm really the worst..."

I sensed her catch her breath outside. Stay Gold still said nothing. Pressing my forehead to my knees, I forced myself onward.

"I'm sorry..."
"...Trainer."

A low, quiet voice fell from beyond the cloth.

"Yeah. This is one hell of a betrayal."

The words were clear. Neither a joke nor any kind of kindness. I jolted. My breath stopped. My vision blurred again. Somewhere inside me, a cold certainty dropped into place.

Of course it is. I was lusting after a minor.
There's no way I could ever be forgiven.

Digging my nails into my knees, I bowed my head beneath the curtain.

"...I know I have no right to ask this, but could you hit me once? As hard as you can?"

I dragged the words up from the bottom of my throat. They shook as they came. The tears wouldn't stop.

"After that... after that, I'll never show myself in front of you again. I know you'll feel unsafe, so I'll quit being a trainer too..."

My voice cracked. My chest hurt. This was nothing but self-satisfaction on my part. If an Uma Musume—one who could probably take down a bear with her bare hands—actually hit me full force, it wouldn't be a trip to the hospital. It would be a catastrophe. At worst, I'd make her into a criminal. Even so, my selfishness wouldn't stop.

"So... please."
"...Are you serious?"
"...Yeah."
"...If that's what you want."

Right nearby, her presence lowered. I could tell she had bent her knees. I could feel her breath through the curtain now, close enough to touch. My shoulders shrank up on reflex and I squeezed my eyes shut. My molars ground together. Tension gathered in my forehead. My eyelids were hot with tears.

Please let her forget all of this,
I prayed to the Three Goddesses.
And let her go on with her journey, the way she always has.

I curled in on myself as small as possible.
And then—

Ping.

A light, dry sound.
There was almost no pain at all. Just a faint flash of heat across my forehead. Not a fist. Not the swing of an arm.

A fingertip.

It was an adorable little flick to the forehead. One done with as much restraint as possible, light enough to soothe a child.

"...Huh?"

I opened my eyes before I could stop myself.
Right in front of me through my tears was Stay Gold's face, much closer than I'd expected. She was kneeling on one knee, her eyes lowered until they were level with mine.
Her dusk-colored eyes looked straight at me. There was no anger in them. No contempt, no scorn—only half exasperation, half bewilderment, and a trace of heat that made my heart stutter.

"You really do say the wildest things sometimes."

She kept her fingers hovering in front of my forehead and gave a little shrug.

"You want me to hit you? Full force? With my strength?"

Stay Gold let out a disbelieving breath.

"You'd die."

As she said it, she leaned in the slightest bit farther, peering into my face. We were close enough for our noses to brush if either of us moved another centimeter. I squirmed on instinct, but there was a wall behind me, and inside the cramped space made by the curtain I had nowhere to run.
I stopped breathing.
Her eyes flicked over my wet cheeks, and then she swept away my tears with her thumb. A faint snort escaped her nose.

"...So this is more than enough."

I really do love her.

Even here, even now, that was what I found myself thinking.
Which only proved how hopeless I truly was.

I sat there gaping up at her, mouth hanging open. Tears were still wet on my cheeks, and yet my expression had somehow been left behind entirely. Stay Gold, meanwhile, remained kneeling, shoulders loose as if she were casually deciding on her next destination. Resting her cheek on one hand, she tapped her own chin with a finger and narrowed her eyes in amusement.

"So," she said lightly, "where should we go for our honeymoon?"

...Huh?

It felt like a dull bell rang once inside my skull.

"...Honeymoon...?"

The word escaped me in a voice so ridiculous even I could tell. Hoarse, cracked, choked with tears—pitiful. Stay Gold watched that reaction and lifted one corner of her mouth.

"Yukoma would be nice. We could soak in the hot springs for once and take a walk around town in the morning."

She said it as if she were talking about a future so obvious it required no explanation.
I completely froze. The flick to my forehead, the fact I'd been crying just moments earlier—everything was left behind as my thoughts dissolved into total chaos.

"Hong Kong would be good too. The night view is beautiful, and the food's great. You like taking pictures, don't you?"
"...Huh...?"
"France? Walking along the Seine together wouldn't be bad either."

One option after another flowed out of her with the casualness of someone picking out tomorrow's breakfast at a bakery. Wrapped in the curtain, I sat there rigid from head to toe. Stay Gold tipped her gaze upward as though considering it seriously, and then she flashed a grin.

"Oh, what about a deserted island? Just you and me, with nobody to bother us. Fishing, building a fire, looking at the stars, sleeping pressed up against each other—"

My heart jumped in a way that felt deeply, deeply wrong.

"W-wait a second."
"Hm?"

At last, my voice came back. It sounded like the scream of an upturned frog.

"Wh-why are we suddenly talking about a honeymoon!? I just said I'd never show my face to you again!"
"Hm? Oh, was that what this was about?"

Stay Gold tilted her head as she peered into my face.

"But you want to become my bride, don't you?"

She said it openly—and yet with absolute directness—while looking into my face from far too close. Her voice dropped just a bit as she continued, half teasing and half as though confirming something.

"Sure. Let's get married."
"You can't say something like that so lightly!"
"Why not?"
"Wh-why not? Because unless it's someone you love—"
"I do love you. Enough that if time allowed, I'd want to spend it all making out with you."
"Waaah!?"

What had she just said!? The world flipped over all over again. I lost all words for a second. My tears, my breathing, my thoughts—everything was still a tangled wreck as I desperately forced words out.

"But you're still underage—"
"The law changed recently. Eighteen counts as an adult now, remember?"
"And a trainer with her trainee—"
"I'm your former trainee now, aren't I?"

She shot each point down instantly. Worse, her logic was annoyingly airtight.

"Y-you're younger than me—"
"So what?"

That wasn't an immediate answer this time. She smiled a little first, then said it. There was teasing in it, but there was gentle heat too.
Stay Gold lifted the curtain I was wrapped in with a playful flick.

"Sorry for reading it without permission. But I got my hopes up, you know."

Still kneeling, she kept her eyes level with mine. Her bright, shining gaze was so direct I had nowhere left to run.

"And then suddenly you tried to barricade me in a room, and when I finally found you, you were cowering under this thing crying. Isn't this a little cheap for a bridal veil?"
"A veil—!?"

I nearly choked on the word and tried to push her away with my hand—only for her fingers to slide lightly across my wrist. It wasn't forceful, and yet I could feel with absolute certainty that she had no intention of letting go. Her hand enclosed mine, and then her fingers slipped slowly between my own, threading together one by one.

The sensation of every gap between our fingers being filled completely. Skin pressing flush to skin, her warmth flowing into me without obstacle. Her thumb stroked the back of my hand slowly, as if caressing it, then gave a tiny tug that drew me closer. The shape of her nails, the firmness of her joints, the thickness of her palm—I could feel every tiny detail with unbearable clarity.

My breath caught. My heart jumped. The more I wanted to pull away, the more thoroughly our fingers meshed together.

Only then did it hit me.

This is lovers' hand-holding.

"Wait, hold on. Something about this is wrong."
"Wrong? What's wrong? Sounds to me like my bride's just having a touch of pre-wedding jitters."
"Hhk!"

Don't say it so casually! My heart practically screamed. Still holding our joined hands, Stay Gold lifted them toward her mouth and pressed an exaggerated little kiss to them.

"You've got the wrong idea about one thing," she said softly.

If getting you means I can have you, then I don't care about anything else.

Those words seeped all the way into the depths of my chest.
I tried to say something back—but my mouth wouldn't move properly. Stay Gold drew a small breath and smiled just a little.

"Can I stop being kept waiting now? There's only so much suspense I can enjoy."

The distance between us shrank all at once.

"Let me kiss you."

After those words, she paused for just a moment. Her forehead touched mine. Our noses brushed. Our breaths mingled. My eyes flew wide—and then a soft, warm touch settled on my lips.
It wasn't hurried, and it didn't try to steal anything. It was a kiss that asked, that confirmed. At first it was only the slightest brush. But just before pulling away, she softly pressed our lips together once more, as if to make sure.

The hand she had placed against my cheek was warm enough to wrap around me entirely. Through the curtain, the sounds of the world faded far away.
When our lips parted by the tiniest degree, Stay Gold leaned forward and bumped her forehead lightly against mine.

"...So, where do you want to go for our honeymoon?"

At last, with a trembling breath, I answered.

"...Are you really sure I'm enough?"
"You're really going to keep this up?"
"...If it's with you, I'd go anywhere."
"...Now that's what I wanted to hear."

Stay Gold smiled in satisfaction.
Then she kissed me again—this time just a little deeper, but still sweet, still gentle, still lingering as if she wanted to savor every second of it.