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After Connor stole Evan's note, it was all he could think about. He physically couldn't think of anything else. What would Connor do with it? Would he throw it in the trash? What if he told Zoe? Oh. Oh. What if he did tell Zoe? He barely even knew the girl, and now she probably thinks he's a weirdo. Zoe Murphy, the girl who he's had a crush on for a few years now, who he had just spoken to yesterday, probably thought he was just some creep. What would he do? Wait, no—what would she do? Would she ignore him? Become uncomfortable and avoidant whenever she sees him? What if she confronts him? What would he say? What if she thought Evan was some creepy pervert who stalked juniors like her? Would she slap and yell at him in front of everyone in the hallways? Would she tell her parents? Would she spread it all over social media and he would become a new viral meme? He just couldn't stop thinking about it.
≈
He went to school the next day sweating. What if she had already known about it and told her friends? What if Connor had already posted it online? What if they were just waiting for Evan to walk in those halls and start laughing at his sorry, pathetic ass? He took a deep breath and stepped into the hallways. The air around him felt different—even though nothing was technically wrong, it was heavier. He could practically feel his palms sweating. He tried not to think about it, but the more he tried not thinking about it, the more it made him think about it, which made him even more nervous and uneasy and sweaty. He swore he heard people whispering about him, but that was probably just his anxiety. Right. Just his anxiety. He scanned the halls, looking for either Zoe or Connor. He noticed Zoe talking with her friends; they seemed to be laughing about something. What if they were talking about him? What if she already knew and was spreading it to the juniors first and then waited for Connor to spread it to the seniors? He tried not to look in her direction—because if she knew and she caught him staring, that would make things worse—and walk towards his locker.
He tried to get his things as fast as he could, but since his hands were sweaty, he ended up dropping one of his notebooks. He knelt down to get it, and when he stood up to put the notebook in his bag, he saw Jared Kleinman. He really didn't want to talk to Jared right now—especially with all his nervousness and distress—but he had no other friends. And even so, Jared wasn't technically his friend. He was his "family friend." A whole different thing
"Hey Evan. I usually have better people to talk to, but I'm going to talk to you! So, it's a lucky day for Evan Hansen!"
Jared said, throwing his arms around in exaggeration, while Evan silently groaned.
"Can you please not be so loud? Besides, again, the only reason you talk to me is because of your car insurance."
"I wouldn't say it that way; I'd say I'm doing charity work."
Jared patted Evan on the back. Evan started fiddling with the hem of his shirt.
"Look, uhm, have you seen Connor today?"
"Nope, not yet. Why? You finally realized you have a gay forbidden love for Connor and mistook him for Zoe?"
"What? No. How'd you even come up with that?" Evan said, looking around nervously, making sure no one heard that.
Jared rolled his eyes before continuing.
"Seriously, why do you even want to know where Connor is?"
"Well, I had this like, like letter for my therapy session; I had to write a letter to myself."
"What, like a weird sex letter?"
"No, not like that—uh, a letter with positive affirmations to yourself; it's supposed to help with self-confidence or something."
"And where does Connor fit into this story?"
"He found it while I was printing it, and he thought I purposely printed it so he would see it, and he got a little mad because I put some things about Zoe, and he ran away with the letter."
"Wow. Such a sticky pickle you have gotten yourself into, my dear family friend, but I have better things to concern myself with, so see you later."
Before Evan could try to protest or explain further, Jared walked away, leaving Evan all alone. He closed up his bag—which was open the entire time—and went over to class.
Even during class Evan still couldn't stop thinking about the letter. If he had just explained faster, maybe Connor wouldn't have stolen it, maybe he wouldn't have gotten mad, and maybe he could've had a friend. Maybe they didn't have to pretend they had friends; they could've been good friends. Best friends even. But of course, Evan always just had to fuck things up. Evan had learned early on in his life that he was the problem. He had been the problem forever. He assumed his father left because of him; his mother had to work overtime just to help pay for the medication and therapy for his anxiety. He was even a bother to Jared when he and his mom went to visit Jared's parents. Evan Hansen was just the nobody in the background. Like he said in his letter, no one would notice if he disappeared.
Unfortunately for him, he was too busy focusing on his spiraling thoughts to even notice that first period was over, then the second one, and then before he knew it—it was already lunch. As he was putting his books in his locker, he noticed Zoe Murphy walking alone across the hallways, headed to the cafeteria. He thought for a second: What if she didn't know? Maybe if he asked her where Connor went, he could get the letter back before he could show it to anyone. That way, if he told her, he would have no proof. He contemplated for a while before closing his locker and walking up to her. Well, he thought he was walking up to her; he was actually just walking behind her. He had to do it eventually, right? Come on, Evan. You can do this.
"Hey…"
"Hm?"
She turned around to look at Evan with a slightly confused smile, moving her hair behind her ear to remove her earbuds.
"Did you call me?"
She asked.
"Uh, yeah."
"Why?"
"Do you—uh, your Connor's sister, right?"
Her smile faltered a bit.
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure I already told you that"
"Oh, right, it's just because I'm sort of busy right now, so I- it like, it just went out of my mind."
He tried so hard to act casual but was failing miserably.
"So why'd you call me?"
"Oh, right, uh, your brother, he, uh, why is he not here?"
Oh God. He just realized he never saw Connor, but that doesn't mean he wasn't there. What if he was in school the entire time but he just hadn't noticed? That would make this even more awkward.
"Oh, he's, uh, sick. Bye."
She said dismissively and walked away before Evan could ask her anything else.
He had messed up, hadn't he? He has finally mustered up the courage to talk to his crush, and all he could do was desperately act cool—which failed—and ask her about her brother. He didn't know where he got wrong, but now she definitely never wants to talk to him. He sighed and went inside the cafeteria.
Just like every day, he had no where to sit. All the empty tables were filled with random people. He had no choice but to sit with Jared. Things couldn't get any worse, could they?
"What are you doing here?"
"Well, I have nowhere else to sit, and you kind of like my friend, so—"
"Family friend. Big difference."
"Still, uh, you're sitting alone too, so…"
"Fair point."
Evan brought out his lunch; it was a typical sandwich. Nothing really special. Evan didn't eat it though, he took a few bites but he was stuck thinking about his interaction with Zoe. He'd replayed the moment over and over again, would she still ever want to talk to him again after what he said? Maybe she didn't want to talk about her brother because he was unwell, maybe the reason why she got a little upset was because Evan sounded like a total idiot. He’d definitely ruined any chance of Zoe ever speaking to him again.
≈
Zoe was sitting on a chair next to Connor's bed in his hospital room. Her mom had told her to watch over her brother while she went somewhere. Zoe was pretty sure her mom told her where she had went,she just wasn't listening at that time. All Zoe could think of was that weird interaction with Evan, she had only talked to him once before, and she'd seen Connor push him, so why would he wonder where Connor was? It made Zoe confused as she tapped her pen against her homework— which she hadn't done at all— she dwelled on it for a minute or two. Connor was awake but just laying on his bed silently, looking over at Zoe.
"Are you gonna tell me about your boyfriend? "
Connor asked, looking at her.
"What? Theres no boyfriend, let alone a boy"
"Well you thinking about something."
Zoe sighed before giving in
"Are you messing with Evan?"
"Oh, Evan Hansen? Don't worry, I did it for you"
"What do you mean? "
"He wrote some weird shit about you, so I told him off"
"Are you sure you just “Told him off” or did you scare him half to death?"
Connor rolled his eyes at her
"Maybe the first maybe the second. It's in my bag somewhere. Knock yourself out"
Zoe huffed reluctantly as she went to get Connor's bag, scrambling through his phone, drugs, and other stuff before she found the letter. She picked it and read it slowly. "This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because… Why would it be?", "And all my hope is pinned on Zoe", "I wish that everything was different", " would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow", wait..
"Jesus-! Connor, do you know what this is?"
"A weird sex letter? "
"No, This is a suicide note! How'd you not realize that?? No- Of course you didn't realize that, because in Connor Murphy's world, theres no other damn person then Connor-motherfucking Murphy! "
She grabbed her stuff and sprinted out the hospital room
"Wait, where are you going-?!"
Connor called out to Zoe
≈
Evan was sitting in his room finishing up his homework, it took him almost an hour doing it because he couldn't stop thinking about his interaction with Zoe. It's been almost half a day and he's still thinking about it, she'd probably forgotten about it. He was so pathetic. He kept on repeating that she would never talk to him again in his head, if only he didn't— His thoughts got interrupted for a second from a notification from his phone. It was probably his mom. Nobody else talked to him besides Jared, let alone text him
(Unknown Number) : < [Hey it's me Zoe, from school. Can we meet up at Ellison State Park? I need to talk to you about something]
Holy shit. Did the Zoe Murphy actually text him, wanting to meet up with him..? The Zoe Murphy?? Even after everything he did earlier? When he really thought he'd lost the chance to speak to her for the next eternity, and now she just casually texted him like it was nothing? As if he didn't see the way her smile faltered during her interaction??
(Me) : [ Is this really Zoe? ] >
He felt silly asking Zoe if it was really her behind the screen, but he had to make sure. What if this was just some stupid prank Jared had done to make him feel embarrassed? Maybe Jared had noticed he was a little quiet during lunch earlier. He doesn't need to feel even more belittled than he already is. But he realized how weird it sounded that he was asking for confirmation so he added
(Me) : [ Nevermind that was a weird question ]
(Me) : [ You don't have to answer that]
(Unknown Number) : < [ No worries !! ]
(Unknown Number) : < [ but yeah, it is me. Please come as fast as you can ]
He felt even more silly at her confirmation, she was probably wondering why he wouldn't think that it wasn't her. Despite his thoughts, he got up and grabbed his bag and went to go to Ellison State park. His mom wasn't gonna be home until later— since she still has to go to her classes— so he didn't have to tell anyone he was gonna leave.
It was chilly outside, but it wasn't too cold. It was the perfect temperature. On his walk to the park, he kept on thinking why she wanted to talk to him. He thought their interaction had gone bad earlier, so why would she want to talk to him now? Did she finally find out about the letter and was now gonna confront him about it? How was he gonna explain it to her? What if she was mad and cut him off every time he tried to speak? She didn't seem mad in the text, but how could he really know how she was feeling based off her very vague text messages?
It seemed like he spiraled too much because before he knew it, he was already at Ellison State Park. It was a pretty large park so he took his time trying to find Zoe. Thankfully, it didn't take too long until he saw Zoe sitting on one of the benches. He slowly went up to her
"Hey— Zoe, uh, y-you texted me? "
"Yeah, I want to talk to you about something. Come, sit"
She patted the spot next to him and made space. Thankfully it was dark so Zoe couldn't see the slight flush on his face. This was probably the closest they've been, and the closest they'll ever be
"What'd you, uhm, w-wanna, talk to me about?"
He was really nervous, and it showed in the way he was stuttering
"So, my brother showed me this note you wrote, and I wanted to talk to you about it"
Oh shit. Here goes nothing. Everything he had worried about previously was gonna happen.
"I want to tell you that, your not alone, and if you need someone to talk to, I could listen"
What? She didn't scream at him, nor she did she call him a weirdo, but she was giving him comfort? Wouldn't any other person in her situation be absolutely disgusted and uncomfortable?
"W-what?"
"This note you made, it was a suicide note wasn't it? "
"Oh. Oh-! No, no, you've gotten it wrong. Its supposed to be a letter to myself, uh, for my anxiety. My therapist recommended it."
"Oh, I'm sorry I think I misunderstood, but the things you wrote in this letter, I just wanted to tell you that I would notice if you disappeared. So maybe try to stick around, and if you want we could be friends?"
Evan admired her trying to look out for him and comfort him, it made him like her even more. She was such a kind soul doing this, she didn't know how much it helped Evan
"Thanks. A-and of course! "
She smiled warmly at him
"No problem"
"Also- uh can I have my letter back? "
"Oh, yes"
She went into her bag, looking for the note. When she found it, she carefully folded it and handed it to Evan
"Here you go"
"Thanks"
≈
Evan looked at his computer screen, ready to type out a new letter.
[Dear Evan Hansen: It turns out, this was an amazing day after all, and maybe it'll be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because, there's Zoe, the girl who you pinned all your hope on, actually talked to you and became your friend, and now you know her and she knows you. Everythings different now, and you finally became a part of something, because what you said actually mattered to her and she would notice if you dissappeared tomorrow.
Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,
Me.]