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‘Please, Angel.’ Noelle Holiday prayed in her mind, kneeling at the foot of her bed. ‘Please, please fix me feeling like this, please never let anyone find out about these feelings.’
Noelle knew perfectly well that being the mayors daughter meant she had a certain image to conform to. She had to keep up her grades in school, continue with her extra curriculars, and show up to Church every weekend with a smile on her face.
As well as this, Noelle knew for certain there were certain things she could never do, certain things she could never even think, unless she wanted to bring shame to her mother, her town and her church.
One of these things, having a crush on a girl.
Dammit, she’d already messed that one up.
The girls name was Susie, she was brash and loud and in many ways just plain mean, but Noelle had fallen for her, skidded to a stop like a deer in headlights the second she’d seen her.
’Please Angel, take this away from me, make me normal, please.’ Noelle begged, trying to stop the tears streaming down her face, dark with ruined mascara. ‘Whatever I did to deserve this punishment, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll do better in school, I won’t roll my eyes at my mother anymore, I’ll…stop listening to Dess’ old rock CDs, anything!’
Dess, oh Dess, December Holiday. She had been Noelle’s whole world, the big sister who protected her, loved her unconditionally, showed her how to glitch games, pirate shows and music videos online, showed her she should express whoever she was openly. Noelle had idolised her, borrowed her thick black eyeliner, switched out her angelic choir voice for a darker rock sound, laughing and smiling and truly herself.
And then, December was gone. Just like that.
One day she was here, the next she vanished, leaving Noelle all alone. Her father was sick, in hospital, no one was left to protect her from the religious extremism of her mother. Noelle had loved church, loved the people, the singing, loved listening to Kris play the piano, but now the stained glass building weighed on her like a chain around her throat.
After Dess disappeared, Noelle’s mother caught her in Dess’ room, listening to her music through old headphones, wrapped in one of her old combat jackets. Noelle’s mother had grabbed her arm, pulled her up to her feet, ignoring when Noelle cried out, and snapped in her face, voice icy and cruel, ‘ungrateful creature. Get out of this room, it’s full of sin and evil. You’re better than this, the Angel took Dess away because she was corrupting you, this is your fault for acting out. December isn’t here to cover for you now. Get the hell out of this room, I never want to catch you here again.’
That night, Noelle had cried into her pillow until her throat was raw and eyes stung. She had prayed to the Angel that night too, desperate apologies for making December go away, for making her mother mad, for being so damn rotten. She had never stepped foot in Decembers room after that, only leaned her forehead against the door when she was sure she was home alone.
From that day on, Noelle was the model student. She volunteered in class, stayed late to help her teacher. She joined the track team, was the fastest and strongest and helped keep team morale up. She even tolerated Berdly, his condescending lectures about concepts she’d already mastered, his “helpful tips” for video games she’d played for years, she knew their glitches inside out and understood all their code, but yet she let him talk, never let him see her eye twitching.
Noelle visited her father in hospital, kept a steady supply of his medications at home, helped him recover from scans and tests, told everyone she was doing alright when they asked how she was, saved her tears for late nights locked up in the bathroom.
Susie has ruined her plans of staying perfect forever. Susie had walked into class with a (clearly fake) unbothered attitude. She acted like she didn’t need anyone or anything, she lashed out at others and rolled her eyes. Noelle could see there was more to her beneath the surface, but the idea of her being free, not chained to how anyone else saw her, was eye opening. Susie didn’t have a legacy to live up to, no one was expecting anything of her. Noelle admired it.
That admiration of freedom almost instantly turned into a crush. Then, pining, so so much pining. She handed Susie a pencil her first day and felt sparks when their fingers brushed. She’d smiled at Susie the first time she had offered her opinion in a class discussion, even though it was clearly a sarcastic poke at their teachers attempts to get her to open up.
Susie had even spoken to Noelle a couple of times, actually spoken to her, with no malice or bullying in sight. Just a simple “thanks for the pencil Noelle”, “good job on that test Noelle” and even a real smile, crooked and toothy as it was, when Noelle slipped a snack onto Susie’s table after noticing she hadn’t eaten all day.
Noelle felt evil, rotten and broken, she wasn’t supposed to be like this, in any way. When she felt broken she prayed, leading her to the foot of her bed night after night after night, for months, eyes squeezed tight and hands clasped together.
“In the name of the Angel and the Delta Rune, I swear I will be better, I will work harder, volunteer more at church. I will fix myself, I will I swear. Please take these feelings away from me, please Angel.”
____
The next morning brought the same routine as ever. Noelle got up, wiped her eyes dry and covered herself in makeup to hide the eyebags from not sleeping, from praying to an Angel she was slowly losing faith in, because why would something so good make something as rotten as her?
Noelle got dressed, and took a jog to the hospital. She said hi to her dad, helped him brush his hair and teeth, gave him a hug and a smile, held his hands and told him she hoped he felt better today. She walked to school and sat down ten minutes early as usual, tapped her hooves on the hardwood floor as she arranged her stationary and went over her notes.
Others slowly began to file into the classroom, she smiled and waved and said hello just like the perfect girl should do. God, how horrible she was to deceive them like this, to pretend she was so good when she was clearly mentally so very sick.
Susie was the last one in the classroom, her hoodie was worn at the elbows and her messy hair covered her eyes. Noelle watched her quietly as she slumped in her chair at the back of the class. Surely someone like that could never like someone like her? Not that it really mattered, even if Susie could like her, Noelle could never date, the town is small, people talk, her mother would find out and then, she didn’t even want to think about what then.
The day went fast, Noelle took notes and answered questions and made stupid, meaningless small talk with Berdly about math and English and things she had to pretend to care about. The bell rung, Noelle packed up her things, and walked out into the fresh air. She checked her schedule, finally, a free afternoon.
Noelle wandered the town, hardly paying attention to where her feet took her, hooves clacking against the roads, crunching against gravel, then the splashing of..water? Wait, what? Noelle looked down, her hooves were in the water, she had walked all the way to the lake without even noticing.
Stepping back, she laughed, sitting on the lakes shore. She hadn’t been here in a long while, she used to come here all the time with…Dess. ‘Don't think about her’ she snapped to herself internally. ‘Don’t think about anything at all.’
But Noelle never could resist her own thoughts, she watched the soft flow of the water and smiled, remembering a happy time. A time where December was still around and her days were filled with laughter instead of cold, silent guilt.
”Hey Elly!” December had grabbed her hand by the side of the lake, and ruffled her long blonde hair. “D’you know what’s on the other side of the lake?”
”Trees?”
December had howled with laughter. “No dummy, freedom. For the two of us. One day we’re gonna get out this dumb town and be free, and it’s gonna be perfect. Our life will be perfect. No more dumb church or rules, how’s that sound?”
“It sounds, perfect.”
Perfect. Oh what a fool little Noelle was. She laughed to herself, the sound was hollow and empty. A perfect life would be somewhere so far from here. Somewhere so so different.
December would still be around, her dad wouldn’t be sick, they’d play video games and sing along to Dess’ guitar. Noelle and Kris would never have drifted apart. Noelle would be confident enough to talk to Susie, get to know her properly instead of looking at her from afar. Perfect. How Noelle longed for it.
She knew a life like that would never be hers, she had far too many expectations to live up to, far too many people needed her. The church needed her, her parents needed her, even goddamn Berdly needed her. She would be in this town until the day she died. And Susie, Susie could never like someone like her, too scared to rebel on even the smallest issues.
Maybe the only way she would ever be free again was crossing the lake, running away just like December. But Noelle knew she wasn’t that strong, couldn’t break away from her hometown like that. Noelle knew deep down, the only way to escape her fate was death, and she wondered if making it happen sooner rather than later would bring her peace, would stop all this guilt and torment inside her.
Noelle didn’t notice when it started to get dark. And she didn’t notice the figure coming up behind her until they tapped her on the shoulder. She squeaked, startled, and jumped up to her feet.
”Wha, who’s there?! Susie???” Noelle felt her face flush immediately. Susie stood next to her, bangs messy, hunched over and draped in her large purple hoodie.
”Jeez, you good? You look like you’re gonna have a heart attack.” Susie laughed a little under her breath as Noelle steadied herself on the gravel.
”Uh, what are you doing here Susie?? Gosh I didn’t realise it was so late.” Noelle blinked, trying to adjust to the darkness.
”I live here, weirdo.”
”At the..lake?” Noelle asked, immediately cringing. ‘Really, Noelle? Why the hell would she live at the lake??’
”Nah, I live in the apartments. Just, come here sometimes. The views nice and people leave picnic food here. Surprised you’re here so late, thought you did like, choir practice and stuff.”
”Oh dammit that was today???” Noelle pulled at her hair, quickly gathering her things. “I’ve already missed it by now but maybe-“
”Woah chill out. It’s like, one session, so what if you miss it?”
Noelle stopped, turned to face the taller girl. “Well, it’s, important.”
”That’s a really bad reason to get so worked up.”
”I have to set a good reputation, for my family. It’s not as simple as if I want to do it or not.”
”A girl with a good reputation probably shouldn’t be seen talkin to me then.” Susie shoved her hands in her pockets, looking out at the lake. “I won’t tell anyone though. Everyone should have secrets sometimes.”
”Uhm, thank you Susie.” Noelle didn’t really know how to keep the conversation going. She knew she should get home before her mother got too mad, but found herself wanting to do anything but.
“Want me to walk you home?” Susie asked, so quietly Noelle almost missed it.
”H- huh?? Really? Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I mean you look freezing, and I need something to do. Plus,” Susie laughed, “it’s dangerous to be out at night alone isn’t it? Better if we travel in pairs, otherwise a severed hand might getcha!” She flashed a smile, showing off sharp rows of teeth.
“Was that a Blood Crushers reference??” Noelle’s ears perked up.
”You’ve seen it??”
“Please it’s like, the best horror movie of our generation!”
Susie laughed, the two began walking away from the lake, sharing knowledge of their newfound shared interest in horror movies.
They took the longest route possible to the Holiday manor, laughing and smiling together as the moon shone down on them. Noelle’s hand brushed against Susie’s once or twice, sparks flying between them as they spoke.
Finally, the two unlikely companions reached the large ornate gate of Noelle’s house.
”I’ll, see you at school tomorrow?” Noelle tucked her hair behind her ears, smiling shyly.
”Uh, yeah sure, sounds good.” Susie kicked her feet softly against the cement roads. “Hey and, next time you feel like running away from your responsibilities, see you at the lake again?”
Noelle nodded, unlocking the gate to her home estate. “I can, be free tomorrow?”
”Works for me.”
”It’s a date!” Noelle quickly hurried inside, hoping Susie didn’t hear how her voice squeaked at the word date.
Noelle was lucky her mother was working late at the office as she slipped quietly into her house. She got ready for bed, and for the first time in perhaps even years, decided to forgo her evening prayers.
Maybe, just maybe, getting to meet at the lake with Susie, the one person who didn’t make her feel suffocated, would make being herself worthwhile. It wasn’t perfect but maybe, it was a start.
Noelle fell asleep with a smile on her face, and less guilt in her heart than she could ever remember.