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Kondou Shuusuke wasn’t a stern looking man, so Toshizou’d never really felt that bothered when he was called upon for a private conversation. He didn’t look anything like his adopted kid, so he was probably less intimidating to most people overall since it meant he wasn’t fuck-you tall and broad as a barn.
“You really have been a huge help,” Sensei said, brushing his thumb across his mouth thoughtfully. “You have a knack for these things, Hijikata-kun.” He patted the papers on the table with a broad palm, and Toshizou immediately reached out to stop the still-wet brush from rolling onto them. “My ledgers didn’t look half as good before Isami asked you to take a look at them.”
“Kiroku-san always has me look at his,” said Toshizou with a shrug, the action drawing a warm laugh from Sensei that made his pitch-dark eyes sparkle. “That’s why Kaachan knew he could trust me.”
Shuusuke nodded, since it was reasonable. Of course Toshizou had looked at his brother’s business ledgers … He was an employee of the Ishida Medicine Business! It made perfect sense that he knew how to track expenses and balance books, the problem was …
Something about Sensei’s face was setting Toshizou on edge.
“I can see why Isami-san has been trying so hard to get you to quit that menial job of yours,” Shuusuke said as he laced those fingers together in front of him. Toshizou focused on those hands, thinking about how they looked younger than the man who possessed them, and firmly refused to dwell on what he knew was coming next. “After looking at this, I can’t help but agree with him … You really are wasted as a peddler.”
“I appreciate that, Sensei,” Toshizou offered him a half-assed smile, “but peddling medicine’s one of the only things I’m qualified to do.”
“Perhaps in the eyes of the rest of society,” Shuusuke said, “but you have a keen eye for numbers and details, alike. The Shieikan could use someone like you, especially since Isami-san likes to spend money like water when he thinks someone is in need.” His smile turned gentle and fatherly, a far cry from the look on his face when he was running them through drills. “But I can tell this old man is imposing. Don’t think too much on it for now, Hijikata-kun. They’re likely finishing up and will want to start on dinner. Please don’t let me keep you.”
Grateful that he’d been given an out, Toshizou stood and bowed once more before turning to leave.
He’d seen it coming.
Why wouldn’t he? Isami-san and Sensei were a close father and son pair, so if Isami-san was going to talk about how he wanted Toshizou to join up as a full time student … Well, who the hell else would he bring it up to?
It was as inevitable as the changing of the seasons that Sensei’d eventually try to get him to quit his job, it’s just … He really didn’t think he could. Kiroku was already pissed off enough at him for quitting his apprenticeships, so if he stopped working in the family business, his older brother might die from the emotional strain. Toshizou was the youngest son, and there were certain things that he had to do because of that no matter how much he longed to do other things.
Especially since what he wanted was -
He stopped in front of the dojo hall, listening to the sounds of training wrapping up. There weren’t as many students as there used to be even two years ago, but the ones that were still here would probably never leave, just like the Inoue brothers.
“Eh? Are you just going to stand out here forever, Hijikata-san?” The somewhat nasal, youthful voice belonged to the ever-present Okita Sojiro, who had managed to creep on Toshizou with his usual feline grace. “Have you been out here this entire time?”
“You know damn well I haven’t Soji,” Toshizou snapped back, far too used to the young man’s antics to be bothered by them any longer. “Sensei wanted to talk to me about something. Should I have ignored him to come play with you?”
Soji just laughed, his green eyes sparkling like dappled light through the branches of a great tree. There was joy and mischief there as he took some sort of perverse glee from Toshizou’s discomfort … But that was something he’d gotten used to, too.
You’d have to be completely stupid not to notice how jealous Soji was of him; or Kondou Isami, as the case was, too good-willed to ever assume the worst of even his greatest enemy.
“Nah. I don’t really know that any of the regular students would benefit by going up against you, anyway.” Soji shrugged and his grin grew wider as he spoke, the tips of his teeth peeking out from behind his lips. “Your style’s too inconsistent since you’re self-taught. They need a real swordsman to go up against if they’re gonna improve.”
It was the same old shit, Toshizou thought, his own lip twitching ever so slightly in disgust (though whether it was because it’s what Soji expected, not even he knew at this point). With a huff, he ran a single hand through the fringe of his hair and tugged at it slightly, rolling his eyes so hard he could feel it. Tongue darting out to wet his lips, he offered his usual snort in response and finally waved a hand dismissively in Sojiro’s direction.
“Whatever, Soji,” he drawled. “It’s nothing I haven’t heard a thousand times, anyway.” His eyes narrowed and he smiled just a bit, showing his own teeth, every bit the wild dog to Soji’s feral cat. “You should probably bring that up to the students at all those dojos.”
Something fragile and furious flickered across Soji’s features and he took a step towards Toshizou, the expression vanishing between breaths as his lips curled upwards into a truly wicked smile. Left with no time to respond or walk away, Toshizou was suspended in the moment as a familiar long-fingered hand reached out and patted his shoulder consolingly accompanied by words as cloying as sugar syrup and as sharp as any blade. “Whatever you say, Hijikata-san. At least they still have their samurai pride at the end of the day, right?”
Toshizou’s grin dropped in less than an instant, lips curling into a silent snarl as he grasped Soji’s wrist and peeled that hand off of his shoulder. He wasn’t gentle, but why the fuck would he be? It’s not like the kid couldn’t take it.
Just like Soji, to take the tanto and twist it deeper.
His throat spasmed around words that wouldn’t come and he had to swallow to force them out. “Go to hell, Soji.”
He turned on his heel, Sojiro’s laughter following him even when he stormed past Gen-san and exited the dojo into the warm sunlight of the late afternoon sun.
-
The river wasn’t far away, just a hop and a skip, and it always calmed him.
There was something about how it always moved forward, he guessed, even when obstacles were in its way. To punctuate the thought, he took one of the stones from its rocky shoreline and tossed it into the water just to watch the ripples.
It wasn’t like him.
Toshizou knew that he had stalled, that he was stuck in place working for Kiroku peddling the Ishida powder. It’s not like he was stupid, even though he’d never bothered to learn an actual craft to support himself. He knew he had brains in his head, just like Sensei’d pointed out … But he was still a fuck-up, a hopeless loser who never kept with anything for too long.
Kondou-san could talk til he was blue about how the reason he’d failed his apprenticeships was they weren’t the right fit, but he knew better. Other people could do it, these things that they didn’t necessarily want to do but had an obligation towards, so what the hell was his excuse?
Who did he piss off in his past life to have ended up this way now?
The sound of geta scraping through the dirt and trampling grasses under foot alerted him to the fact that he wasn’t alone anymore. When the shadow fell over him, he recognized the shape of the silhouette from the slope of the shoulders, but he’d have known who it was anyway from the tempo of their footsteps and the sound of their breathing.
“What are you doing all the way out here, Toshi?”
He didn’t reply, closing his eyes and curling his fingers around a new rock just to feel the texture of it. The cheerful intruder approached him, fabric rustling as he kneeled, body heat evident even before a steady hand reached out to pat Toshizou’s shoulder.
“Toshi?” asked that familiar voice.
He didn’t respond, not until Kondou Isami’s hand left his shoulder with a few parting pats.
“It’s hard to believe we’ve known each other since we were Soji’s age,” Kondou said, his nostalgic smile so obvious in his tone that Toshizou didn’t need to look at him to see it. “A lot has changed since then,” he mused. “It’s hard to believe we were ever like him.”
“No one’s ever been like Soji,” Toshizou muttered, “and maybe things’ve changed for you, but I’ve been stuck in place.” A pause, and he let out a labored breath, tilting his head back to stare up at the clouds that drifted across the sky. “I could’ve sworn we’ve talked about this before.”
“Toshi …” Kondou began, trailing off a moment later. Toshizou could hear the audible wet click as he swallowed and then started again. “You don’t have to keep peddling medicine. Otou-san thinks that you would be a good fit for our accountant, and I agree.”
He couldn’t help his snort, finally turning his head to meet Kondou’s warm, honeyed eyes. “Are you sure you should agree with him? It’s because he thinks you piss away money like water, you know?”
Kondou laughed, sounding only a little abashed, and rubbed the back of his neck with his broad hand. “Well, I guess that’s only an excuse. If I’m honest, I just want you here because I know you’re not satisfied as things are, Toshi.” Toshizou didn’t respond, so Kondou pushed forward. “You work harder than almost anyone else at the Shieikan, Toshi, and you’d go far as a student. We’re willing to pay you a wage for the books -”
“And what about my family?” His words pushed past his lips in a gust of irritated air. “I’ve already fucked up enough. Nobu-onee asks if I’m okay about three times a week -”
“If you quit peddling medicine -”
“And Kiroku’s always trying to make sure I have enough to get by, even though I don’t push as much as his other peddlers -”
“Toshi,” Kondou said, his voice firm.
“I just can’t fuck up again. My siblings have put too much into me to -”
“Toshi!” Kondou’s hands clamped down on his shoulders, bringing Toshizou’s thoughts to a jarring halt. “Toshi, Hijikata-san and Nobu-san wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life alone.”
Alone? He wasn’t alone, there were plenty of people who … What the hell was …?
“You don’t have to pretend, Toshi,” Kondou said, as stable and as strong as his hold on Toshizou. “I know where you are, because I was there, too. But my father – my other father – encouraged me to pursue my dream, and on that path I met you.” He paused, fingers squeezing tighter like he could push his sentiment into Toshizou through his palms and make him feel it more. “That’s why I want you with me. Between the two of us, you’re the one who didn’t stumble onto this road, so that’s why -”
Soji’s voice called from a distance, drowning Kondou-san’s words out.
Toshizou sighed, “Go on. He’s already pissy at me today. He’ll only get worse if I keep you.”
Kondou’s brow furrowed, eyes momentarily darker, but he dismissed any hesitance in them and nodded. He released Toshizou and pushed himself to his feet, pausing only for a moment to offer one last smile. “Just think about it, Toshi.”
Toshizou rolled his eyes, forcing himself to give Kondou a half-hearted smile, “I’ll see what I can do.”
Sojiro called again, and though Kondou-san clearly didn’t believe him, the sound of that youthful voice carried him away regardless.
And just like that, Toshizou was left alone with the river, his thoughts, and the sound of thrushes in the reeds.
-
It was at least an hour later when Toshizou was haunted by another one of the full-time students, their footsteps deliberate and slow as they approached. Soji would have tried to sneak up on him, and Kondou-san was never so subtle, so he was unsurprised when he saw it was Gen-san.
Who else would they send to get him when he was in a foul mood?
“Toshi-san?” asked Gen-san, coming to stand beside him. “Should we set aside a portion for you at supper?”
“He sent you to ask if I’m staying, right?” Toshizou sighed, shivering a bit in the cooling breeze of the early evening. “He could’ve just come, himself.”
The day was in a state of transition, the sky starting to grow dark, the night bugs and frogs singing to themselves...
The entire world was, ever since the Black Ships had sailed into the bay.
“Isami-san can be a bit sentimental, from time to time,” said Genzaburo Inoue, his smile kind and wise beyond his years, “just like you, Toshi-san.”
He didn’t say anything, didn’t even breathe. Instead, he just stared at the moving water as it reflected the heavens, ribbons of gray cloud woven through the blue haze of the mirrored sky. His silence did not discourage Gen-san, who was close enough to touch Toshizou now, though unlike Kondou-san, he kept his distance.
“I’m not a terribly skilled swordsman, Toshi-san,” he began, “but I became a full-time student at the Shieikan, nonetheless.” He didn’t pause, crossing his arms thoughtfully across his chest as he tilted his head, the breeze barely rustling the ends of his topknot. “There are plenty of people here who support my dream, including my older brother. He works hard and only studies part time because he knows staying enrolled here is important to me.”
Gen-san turned his head towards Toshizou, still smiling (rarely did he frown), but there was something sad around the edges of it. He wanted to ask, but the other man continued, perhaps already aware of the question that lingered between them.
“That’s why I admire you, Toshi-san,” he said, narrowing his eyes fondly in a way that chased the melancholy from his expression. “Not only are you skilled, but you’re the most determined person I know. If you set your mind to something, I’m certain you could achieve whatever you wanted.”
Toshizou ran his hand over his face and grunted, wondering how the hell he’d managed to get someone like Gen-san to think so highly of him when he just … Got by. Hell, even when it came to swordplay, he wasn’t that great.
It was like Soji said --
“The way I fight’s not good enough to help a man who’s trying to learn Tennen-Rishin the right way,” he said, not quite an objection of Gen-san’s words, but not quite an endorsement either. “I’m like some kid learning to write kanji, you know? I get the strokes all wrong, so everything’s harder for me than it should be.”
Gen-san laughed just a bit, but then moved a step closer before he crouched, arms folded across his knees, “Toshi-san, you shouldn’t listen to everything he says. It’s true that you might never master Tennen-Rishin because of how you started to learn, but even Sojiro-kun can’t deny your skill.” He paused, the smile from his face vanishing only for a moment as he stared into the currents of the Tama River. “If it came to a real fight, I’m sure you’d manage better than almost anyone here.”
Toshizou guessed that was true enough, even if Soji wiped the floor with his ass more often than not. Sure, the kid did well enough in duels and had scrapped with a lot of the other dojo kids when he was younger, but he hadn’t exactly faced something that put his life in danger.
It was different for Toshizou.
“You’re probably right,” he admitted, inclining his head in a slow nod, “but even if that’s the case, that doesn’t mean I belong here.”
For the second time that day, someone’s hand fell on his shoulder, and though Toshizou didn’t really know why, it felt different from Kondou-san earlier that day. Gen-san’s long fingers squeezed gently and then lingered, warm and comforting, like a kotatsu in the dead of winter.
Or like the presence of his oldest brother, Tamejiro.
“You belong where people want you, Toshi-san.” His voice was just loud enough that only Toshizou could have heard, almost faint enough to be lost to the chirping of crickets. “Sensei admires your intelligence, Sojiro-kun considers you a rival, and I admire you.” He paused, that smile returning to his face. “Beyond that, Isami-san relies on you more than he does anyone else. How could you not belong here?”
The words slid into place for him, somehow, more than the polite suggestions or hopeful insistence of others. It was their weight, maybe, just heavy enough that they finally cracked the last of Toshizou’s already crumbling resolve and at last ground it to powder.
He really could do it, couldn’t he?
At the Shieikan, he’d be doing more than just getting by even if he had less money to put food on the table. It would be different than it was when he was with his siblings, trying to balance their expectations of him with what little bit of hope he had that things would turn around for him one day.
But that was just it, wasn’t it?
Maybe doing this would be shirking his duty as the youngest, but he still wanted something impossible, something that was above his station in life. If he was going to piss off the gods and bring himself bad karma, he might as well go all the way with it, right?
Gen-san patted his shoulder one more time, then stood back up.
The light in his dark eyes was knowing, and his smile was fond. “I’ll let the others know you’ll be joining us after all.”
Toshizou watched him until he was gone, the growing dark swallowing him, and then stood. The moon was already starting to glow in the sky, and a few stars were blinking into existence low on the horizon, which was as clear as his mind was now for the first time in a long time.