Chapter Text
"We should get married."
This is how Red dies; mouth full of chewed-up pizza crusts on a Tuesday afternoon, during their government-mandated thirty-minute lunch at their unpaid internship.
Red, at least, has the decency to swallow first.
"Yes." Which comes out just a touch too quick, reel it back the fuck in. "I mean, why?"
"Tax benefits." Purple licks the lid of their pudding cup. Chocolate, this time. Red puts theirs on Purple's tray. "My cool cousin, Joshie, is gonna get married in a month. And apparently, they're gonna get HUGE tax deductibles before the next season, since they'll be legal-legal, in the eyes of the law-legal by then. Lowers their collective tax bracket for some reason."
"But, Purps," Red starts slowly, doesn't even risk another bite of crust for this. "You don't pay taxes. Neither of us do. We don't have income."
"That's the beauty of it!" They scrape at the bottom of the cup. "We'd be entering the working world at our first paid job with the advantage of a much smaller cut than we would have if we were legally single."
The plastic spoon squeaks against the walls of the cup, the loud pop of Purple's mouth as they bite down.
"Not to mention if we had kids."
"Kids."
"As dependents!" Purple wags their spoon in the air. "Joshie and Sammy are planning at least two. If one parent stays at home to take care of them, then they could even qualify for government aid."
Purple dumps the empty cup upside-down on the table.
"Though, with the economy the way that it is, I don't think that'd be very smart."
Red pushes their tray away.
"I think I need to go lie down."
"Too fast for you?" Purple blinks. "Don't worry, it's not just taxes. The government also gives out housing subsidies to young married couples. The psy-op is that it encourages more marriages and more babies since, you know, the whole declining birth rate thing."
"The birth rate isn't the only thing that's on the decline."
"Exactly. The healthcare system is, too." Purple completely agrees, nodding. "Which is why you need someone competent and trustworthy to make those big medical decisions for you. Say, I don't know, you crash into an uninhabited planet on a mission to Industria and end up in a coma. Do you want us to pull the plug or not?"
"Who's us?"
"Me and our kids, of course, they need to learn to make important legal decisions like this, too. Keep up, Redsy."
"Of course, I'd want you to pull the plug!" Red flails, hands thrashing around them. "I don't wanna be stuck in there all, aware, while strangers change my diapers or something. Do you know how MUCH those hospital rooms cost??"
"See!" Purple points their spoon at Red. "Now you're getting it! And in the event of your death, if you were on my health insurance, or I was on yours, it'd practically pay off the hospital room and all the other fees, apart from miscellaneous or the out-of-pocket stuff. But we can settle that with our provider."
"Well, what about your—" Red swallows. "If you go first? What then?"
"I'd want my assets equally divided in a trust fund for our hypothetical children." Purple takes out a napkin and starts computing. "When you're Captain, and I'm in a good place at my flourishing engineering career, we should have enough for college funds, downpayment for a wedding venue, and juuuuuust over for a modest three-bedroom, two-bath with a reasonable commute for each of them."
Purple puts a pointed point on their scribbled notes. Their handwriting has always been atrocious.
"We gotta account for inflation, though. That three-bedroom, two-bath might just cover a condo in fifteen years, but it's better than nothing."
"Have you talked about this with anyone else?" Red asks, with the entirety of their sanity intact, of course. "Run it by some other friends, your parents? Because I don't know what my parents would think of… all this."
"We can meet them in the summer." Purple pulls out their phone, flashing their personal calendar in Red's face. "I know you still have a semester left but I'm on track to graduating early. I think that'd be a sensible time to introduce ourselves. We can meet my parent after."
There it is. A week on the north side of the colony, at their family's summer home. Their Cennend and Progenitor will be there, on the boat that Baba bought for their fiftieth anniversary. The week after, they'll take the train to the south of the colony, to meet Purple's Mimi, while they're on their sabbatical from the factory.
"This is gonna be really awkward if we get a divorce." Red tries, one last time.
"Why would we get divorced?" Purple's forehead wrinkles, as if the entire idea was just absurd.
"Well," Red scratches the back of their neck. Oh, look, they have a special on fries with your pizza. Still too much for someone not getting paid, but it'd be a steal if they had any beans to spend. Doctor Chartreuse is talking with Doctor Ultramarine, something about refilling the water in the fission breaker? And they only have ten minutes left for lunch, before they gotta try and photocopy the reactor manual on the busted up, ol' printer machine in the back office.
"What if you meet someone else?" Red finally concedes. "Someone else you'd want… all of this with?"
Purple squints at them. As if it were obvious. As if it were absurd.
"Who else would there be?"
Red breathes out.
They pull their tray back and take a bite of their crust. There's still ten minutes to lunch, after all.
"How many kids are we talking about here?"
"Three would be good." Purple eases back into their seat. "I'm open to name suggestions."
"We're not calling any of them 'Heracles'."
"How about 'Penelope'?" Purple tries, already taking notes on their chocolate-stained napkin.
"I can do 'Penelope'." Pen. Pennie. "And neither of us are staying at home?"
"Too risky." Purple waves them off. "Stay-at-home parents might not have a higher divorce rate on paper, but it's more due to financial strain and economic limitations. You gotta contextualize those statistics, Redsy."
"Aw, you'd try to work things out with me?"
"Marriage counseling first before lawyer." Purple says vehemently. "For the kids, of course."
"Three of them." Red agrees. "Penelope, Not Heracles, and Not Heracles II."
"I'd still want full custody. If the divorce pushes through."
"You can have it." Red agrees, agrees again. "You'll just have to take me with them. We're a package deal."
"Ugh, you'd be awful to co-parent with." Purple picks up the second pudding cup. "Do you mind if I—?"
"Not at all, Purps." Red takes the last bite of their crusts. Photocopy the manuals. Be Captain. Three kids and a mortgage and summer on Baba's boat. "It's all yours."