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It had been about a month since Qifrey’s initial breakdown. Since then he has tried to be more open. He tried to put his trust into Olruggio. He tried to allow himself the joys of life that he always rejected. It had proved to be difficult, but over the past few weeks it was clear that he had been putting forth effort to relax, even if the idea of relaxing made him uncomfortable, ironically.
Qifrey started his day like any other: he awoke from his shared bed, kissed his still sleeping lover and got ready for the day before going to the kitchen to make breakfast for his apprentices. It wasn’t too long ago that he had stood in this very kitchen, staring down into the sink and asking himself countless questions as to why he was loved and cared for, why he got so lucky with the girls, why he was alive. It was all too overwhelming. Even now, he still didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why Olruggio put up with him. He didn’t understand why his own master saved him. He didn’t understand why he hadn’t just been put out of his misery then and there when he was a child. It was all so confusing. All he could do now was try and put forth effort to be better. He had promised Olruggio after all, and he was a man of his word.
“Good morning, master Qifrey!” Coco bounced into the kitchen, smiling happily. It caught Qifrey off guard. How could she smile so happily even after everything she had seen? After everything she had been through? Qifrey could never understand it. Coco had so much to do. She had so much to see and look forward to, even if that meant leaving her mom behind. They still couldn’t figure out how to undo the spell upon Coco’s mother. Why hadn’t she given up yet? Of course, Qifrey knew the answer: love. Love for her mother. Love for magic. Love for her peers. Love for him. Even if he knew the answer, his mind still felt fuzzy. He should know this better than anyone. He should know why Coco still continues on, yet he couldn’t accept the answer. Maybe it was his own twisted way of looking within himself and the exhaustion he felt from trying to survive for so long.
He was so confused. Nonetheless, he smiled back. Even if his smile didn’t reach his eyes, Coco was happy to see him at least attempt to save face.
“Hello, Coco,” Qifrey greeted softly. “You’ve slept well?” Coco nodded to the question. Qifrey seemed to relax slightly. His shoulders dropped from their tensed state. He hummed softly, “Alright, well… The others have yet to wake?” he asked. Another nod. Qifrey sighed, seemingly in relief, and let his face drop. His mask fell as he sat at the table, and Coco followed. Qifrey felt like he didn’t need to try so desperately around Coco. She was the first to find out about his secrets and NOT have her memory erased. Qifrey saw himself in Coco, and maybe that’s why he felt so calm around her.
Qifrey was trying, and Coco could see that. Everyone could, even if they didn’t say anything for fear that it would set Qifrey back on his journey. Coco knew everything that Qifrey had been through and wondered why he even attempted to smile. What was fueling him? Was it spite? Love? Was it pure determination to show the brimmed caps that they weren’t as powerful as they perpetuated? She didn’t understand it at all.
Two sides of the same coin yet both could not see each other. They were close, sure, yet both could only understand each other so much before confusion was left in that understanding’s wake. Coco chalked it up to Qifrey struggling with his mental health. After being in survival mode for so long, it made sense that he would struggle finding his footing. He had lived with this unbearable and painful secret for twenty or so years. To have it gone so suddenly, to have the ability to look towards tomorrow with a hopeful smile—it made sense that he was struggling. Everything was so sudden.
“Master,” Coco started, but faltered. She didn’t even know what to say. What could she say? What could she say to comfort someone who was struggling so much? She felt powerless. She was a witch! She was supposed to be helpful! Why couldn’t she help? Qifrey could see Coco’s struggle. His lips turned upwards, as if his pity and sympathy were coming to fruition.
In truth, Qifrey was a very angry and spiteful person. But he was also a hopeful person, even if that hope was driven by revenge so cold that even the most violent of winters couldn’t compare. He knew he was an angry person. He knew he was spiteful. He also knew he was capable of being more. He had to be capable of more. It all couldn’t have been for nothing. His existence couldn’t have been worthless; it couldn’t have all been in vain.
“Coco.” His voice was small. It was vulnerable. It was raw and unfiltered. He knew that Coco wasn’t supposed to worry about him, but it seemed that line had become muddy and blurred. He sighed.
“I know you’re worried. I can’t ask you to not worry. It’s in your nature to worry. But, I need you to trust me when I say that you don’t need to spiral in my name.” He tilted his head. “Don’t you think it’d be pointless?” he asked, “Why not put that energy towards your studies? Or even a hobby? If I recall,” he perked up suddenly, “you’ve been wanting to get back into embroidery and that of the likes?”
That seemed to catch Coco’s attention. His plan was working. “What if you take the day to relax? You’re a skilled artisan. You should have the opportunity to show off those skills.” That was ironic coming from him. “You could focus on some abandoned projects? It’d do you good, don’t you think?”
Coco sat in her thoughts. Qifrey was right, as much as she didn’t want to admit it. She needed to put at least a little trust in Qifrey. Qifrey could handle himself. He had this handled. So, she nodded reluctantly. “Alright, Master Qifrey.” She paused. “But you need to relax today too!” She stood from her seat. “I think we should all relax today!” If she had to relax then so did Qifrey. If Qifrey had to relax then so did everyone else. It was a good plan indeed.
“I have a feeling that’ll be the only way you’ll listen,” Qifrey mused. He was right it seemed. It was then that the three other girls waltzed their way into the kitchen. Olruggio would follow soon. So the mask was put back on—Qifrey stood from his seat, smiling oh so happily and greeted the yawning trio.
~
The group had decided on a picnic, a few days after, a ways off from the Atelier. Qifrey and Olruggio sat as they both watched the girls play and incorporated spells into that play. Tetia had been sitting on her cloud spell. Richeh was braiding her ribbons. Agott and Coco were having friendly banter over spells. Brushbuddy sat in Qifrey’s lap. It all seemed happy. It seemed to be everything Qifrey had ever wanted.
Olruggio watched Qifrey. He looked him over. Qifrey’s hair had been tied back, the mostly now brown locks having grown out just a little bit. The color brought life to Qifrey. It made his skin look less pale. It made Olruggio want to reach out and tangle his hand into the strands. Sure, the white had suited him at some point, but it had also been a sign of the affliction that burdened every aspect of his life. Seeing it disappear in real time brought great comfort to Olruggio. However, he knew it wasn’t that simple; trauma couldn’t disappear as much as he wished it to be so.
A few freckles adorned Qifrey’s face here and there. His now pale blue eye didn’t look as tired. A part of Olruggio was sad. The silverwood wouldn’t even allow for something as simple as beauty marks. But now that it was gone, Olruggio could see the true Qifrey being brought to light. He had auburn hair and freckles and scars adorned his body. He hated vegetables and preferred hearty meat stews. He enjoyed being a teacher. He enjoyed cooking and baking and hated things like rain and the Great Hall and enjoyed spending his days being wrapped up in lesson plans and guiding the witches of tomorrow. It made Olruggio love Qifrey all the more. Seeing his little quirks show as time went on was so endearing. How he hummed made-up melodies as he cooked or cleaned whenever he thought no one was around and how beautiful he sounded as he did so. How he tapped his fingers or his feet when he was focused on something. How he made rather animated sounds whenever he dropped something or was shocked. How he casually made banter at the stationary shop. How he tried to hide his boisterous laughter whenever Brushbuddy got into trouble and spilled casting ink everywhere. How–
“You’re staring, Olly.” Olruggio was awoken from his yearning thoughts by a bashful Qifrey. “Is everything alright?” Qifrey, knowing why Olruggio was staring, couldn’t help but worry if there was something else. Did he have something on his face from the sandwiches he had prepared for today’s outing? Did he have a hair out of place? Was his scarred eyelid showing from beneath his hair?
Olruggio could sense Qifrey was already attempting to spiral. He slowly put a hand over Qifrey’s, looking him in the eye with all the love in the world. “Don’t go where I can’t reach you, love.” He smiled warmly.
It made Qifrey’s stomach burn. Was this what it was all supposed to be like? Was this what life was meant to be? Simple outings and the warmth that invaded his body every time he saw his girls advanced in their studies? When Olruggio kissed him so tenderly? When he could let Olruggio hold him and whisper sweet nothings to him? When they made love and Olruggio broke past every wall Qifrey had ever built up in order to make him come undone and surrender himself to the love and pleasure that was offered from Olruggio’s overflowing heart? Was this all what it meant to be human?
Now it was Qifrey’s turn to be interrupted. Coco came bouncing forward just as she had that morning. “Master Qifrey! I have something for you.” She reached into her pouch, pulling out a cloth, shyly handing it to her master. Qifrey seemed a little confused but accepted the item nonetheless. What was this? What was he supposed to do with it?
“Unfold it, Master…” Coco deadpanned. Qifrey perked up, embarrassed with his cluelessness, and did as told. He looked down, unfolding the cloth.
It was a handkerchief. It was a smokey grey and embroidered with a white brushbuddy and the hat that each girl wore. Qifrey stared at the item in awe. He didn’t know how to react. Why would he be bestowed such a gift? A gift that took such precision and care and dedication and time. He didn’t understand it.
“I made one each for all of us.” Coco tapped her fingers together nervously. “I stayed up late last night finishing the final touches. I wanted to have something that could connect us all together. Master Olruggio and Richeh, Tetia, and Agott have theirs. I wanted to give you yours last.” Because it meant the most. It would mean the world and Coco knew that.
Qifrey continued to stare. He was silent. He rubbed the fabric between his fingers. The embroidery was beautifully done. The detail of the hat and Brushbuddy were intricate. It was clear this was the project Coco had abandoned long ago. This is what she had picked back up. She had listened after all. She listened, but even her decision to relax at the command of Qifrey had a selfless motive. Coco was selfless. It was as simple as that.
Qifrey held the handkerchief tenderly. He sighed through his nose, and looked up to Coco. She truly was the child of hope. She had given Qifrey hope.
“Thank you, Coco.” Qifrey’s lips turned upwards. His nose scrunched slightly and his teeth showed. His happy smile met his crinkled eye. Qifrey was happy. He was so, so happy. This is what it meant to be alive. This is what it meant to be human.
“Even when I tell you to relax, you go out of your way to do something for others.” Qifrey laughed briefly and shook his head. “Coco, what am I going to do with you?”
Coco could only smile back. She made her Master smile. A genuine smile! He was happy! Coco made Qifrey happy! She felt like she was on cloud nine. She could see Qifrey’s body let loose as he laughed and smiled. She felt a pressure well in her chest. She was also happy. She was so, so happy.
Coco beamed. “Like student, like master, I guess.”