Chapter Text
i guess it had always been there, really.
for most of his childhood, izuku didn’t exactly understand what it was, but he knew it was there.
it came in strange forms back then. comparing the size of his legs to his classmates. the way his mother talked about her body. food having to be “earned”
it always just seemed to loom in the back of his mind, waiting for a time to strike
the first time it captivated him was the fall of his last year of junior high. he’d had let himself go for a few months over the summer due to depression, combined with often turning to food for comfort. it led to him putting on a few pounds once school came back around
he’ll never forget the first day back
“jesus deku, did you do anything over the break other than eat? maybe you do have a quirk, the power of weight gain!” a twiggy black haired boy with a large mole on his nose sneered, laughing right in his face and poking him in the gut
izuku proceeded to lose almost half his body weight over the course of the next few months.
after an appointment at the doctor (and from the confusion of his mother) Izuku was found to be extremely underweight and diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. he was connected with an eating disorder specialist and put on a weight restoration plan. it was just a slip. they could have him back to normal very soon, they assured inko. by the spring, Izuku did finally get “better.”
except his mind never healed
and now it was back
his thoughts began twisting into something darker, meaner.
he knew it was only a matter of time before ‘it’ had him fully captivated again. it was waiting for the proper time to strike. always hungry for the control, for the shaky hands, the passing out, the stars in his vision when he stood up…
“hey, deku, you coming?”
izuku was suddenly snapped back into reality, not only by ochakos voice, but the sound of the second bell ringing…how long had he been sitting like that?
the sight of his empty fifth period classroom alone is enough to have him immediately stowing things into his bag
ochako stands with her back leaning against the doorframe, a warm smile plastered across her bright face
she has such skinny legs…
“ sorry to make you wait, ochako” he responds sheepishly, impulsively biting at the cuticles on his fingernails as they walk toward the cafeteria
izuku doesn’t really remember anything past then, lunch is usually a blur for him. he pretends to eat whatever’s on his plate. he’ll move food around, grab things with chopsticks without actually putting them in his mouth, before throwing the rest away when no one is looking
he knows this isn’t good for him, the worst part? it brings him a sick satisfaction
—-<>—-
beams of warm sunlight shine through izuku’s window onto his midsection. it’s the only warmth he’s felt in a while, a shiver runs up his spine from the contact
he can feel his eyes begin to grow heavy, it had been so long since he’d felt this relaxed…
lazily eying his dorm, he finds something to zone out and stare at
izuku had always wondered why UA had installed door stoppers.
however, as his doorframe suddently slammed all the way open combined with a speed that would’ve absolutely ran a hole through the wall instead banged into the rubber spring, he quickly came to understand
“so, you think you’ve outsmarted everyone, yeah? that i’m just as dense as the rest of those extras?” katsuki bursts through izuku’s door and exclaims with an unreadable expression
izuku had been lying peacefully on his bed…well, maybe peacefully is stretching it. he had been curled up in a fetal position trying not to throw up from the nausea caused by hero training that afternoon.
currently he was trying to explode bakugo head by staring hard enough into his eyes.
maybe if i try it hard enough, i can become a tree right now and never have to deal with whatever this conversation will lead to
“uhm, i don’t know what you could be referring to kacchan” izuku replies with as much fake enthusiasm as he can muster
katsuki narrows his eyes and softly shuts the door behind him, izuku thinks back to just a moment before. how intense katsuki was when he had crashed through the door, compared to the soft click from the gentle push of his fingertips, it made izuku relax a bit
i never know what kacchan is thinking…its like hanging around an old grenade that could still technically explode at any time
“do you think i’m stupid?” katsuki narrows his eyebrows and sneers.
“n-no! i- listen, kacchan i don’t feel very well right now so if you could maybe come back another-“
“what? another fucking time? you never feel well, deku, and you and i both know know why”
izuku feels bile rising in his throat as kacchan continues unraveling everything he’d tried so hard to keep wrapped
“again i have no idea as to what you’re talking about” izuku repeats with a dead tone, obviously kacchan isn’t stupid. he already knows. there’s not even much of a point in lying. he doesnt know why the words even fall out of his mouth
katsuki doesn’t say anything for what feels like an eternity but in reality was probably only a few breaths
“i know because…because i-“
because he what? because he’s noticed that im dragging him down?
“because im like you”
holy shit
“what?”
—<<>>—
katsuki hasn’t moved from his place in front of izuku’s door. his head is turned downwards to where you can’t see his face. his small frame trembling slightly, izuku can hear him grinding his teeth. a bad habit since they were tiny, he remembers bringing him hard candy to chew on whenever katsuki would make the familiar grating noise.
“are you obsessed with it like i am?” izuku finally quietly responds
katsuki stops grinding his teeth, he slowly looks back up at izuku, who can at last read the expression on katsukis face
“when have i ever done anything less than a hundred” he responds with a bittersweet grin
izuku cant find the words to respond. it feels weird, to know that kacchan has…this too. on one hand it feels reassuring, if his symbol of heroism could have this too, then maybe it isn’t so bad?
on the other hand, the idea of kacchan having to go through some of the horror that come from doing what izuku does…makes him shudder and wish this could be a bad dream
“can you…come sit with me?” izuku asks sheepishly, patting to a spot next to him on the bed
katsuki doesn’t even respond, just plops down next to the other. izuku can almost feel the relief that comes from being able to rest, he can’t imagine how kacchan could possibly get through the day without proper nutrition
i’m barely making it through as it is…
this wasn’t normal for them; sitting down in a quiet room, talking about things…it felt like izuku was in some sort of weird dream
“i’ve known since we were fourteen that you and i were the same…i thought you deserved to know as well”
“how’d you know?”
“my mom, obviously. remember finding out and being real pissed, you had no reason to obsess over your body. i needed to be fit enough to be the number one hero. i was dumb back then, thinking that somehow we were different, that what you were doing was a real mental disorder and what i had was just discipline. i know that’s not true anymore, and i…think i need you”
“oh”
izuku doesn’t know how to respond
“can i do something?” izuku asks cautiously, as if approaching a feral dog
katsuki nods his head, like a shell of himself
izuku wraps his arms around kacchans back, he can feel the other tense and then relax. after several beats of silence, katsuki envelopes izuku into his warmth
he’s so thin
izuku could’ve killed whoever slammed his door open in that moment, but it was short lived as kirishimas face appeared
“dinners ready! come on- woah!”
katsuki and izuku immediately tear apart and just as quickly as he felt warmth, the cold consumes him again
“yo, dont worry, it’s mainly to hug your bros!” kirishima yells with a boyish grin, before katsuki is already launching at him full speed into a tackle
“you better now tell this to anyone you damn extra! you hear me!”
“chill bro my lips are sealed! honest!”
izuku laughs softly to himself at the scene unfolding in front of him, but at the time it makes him question katsuki even more
how can kacchan act so energetic when he’s doing what i do?
izuku eventually pushes himself up from the sanctuary of his bed, his vision blurs as he tries to put on a face of fake enthusiasm “hey, let’s get going, don’t want the food getting cold!” izuku cheers with a warm smile
katsuki stares back with cold, knowing eyes that could mean anything. izuku felt as if his ability to read the other boy had somehow gotten worse with the new revelation
as if kacchan wasn’t hard enough to try and understand, now i find out he has the same crippling mental disorder as me? how deep does it go for him? will he even tell me anything?
izuku realizes with a dramatic sigh that this will likely lead to way more trouble than it’s worth.
i should just try to cut kacchan out of this intimate part of my life…
izuku knows that he isn’t capable of doing that
my fate was sealed the moment the words tumbles out of kacchan’s mouth
because deep down…i had always hoped to meet someone that understood