Work Text:
Balloon and Nickel were sat next to each other on their bed. Balloon had his poetry notebook in his left hand, with his pencil on the right. He was jotting down little scraps of ideas he had for his poetry. Meanwhile, Nickel was next to him, arms around Balloon’s waist as he watched him scribble down phrases and little doodles for his poems.
Nickel was watching Balloon closely, he wasn’t even focused on the poetry anymore. He looked at Balloon with a soft smile on his face, watching his expression shift each time he had an idea, trouble coming up with words that went along together well, or just worrying in general if what he was writing was even good.
He rested his head onto Balloon’s shoulder, snuggling up close to him and holding on tighter as if he was going to vanish if he ever so slightly let go.
“Haha, hey, you don’t have to hold onto me so tightly.”
Balloon chuckled out, he realized after he said that it sounded like he didn’t want Nickel cuddled up to him, when in reality, he really did.
“Mm… I don’t care”
Nickel mumbled out, pulling his head back now to look at Balloon again, who was still looking down at his poetry notebook, now just putting small doodles on the margins of the pages. Nickel rested his head back onto Balloon’s shoulder, letting his eyes relax a bit as he watched Balloon doodle.
Balloon bent his arm back slightly, trying to stretch out his arm because it had been in the same position for quite some time, when all of a sudden, his sleeve slid down. Nickel fully opened his eyes again, then looking to Balloon’s arm; he didn’t quite know what he was seeing, then suddenly, he realized.
There were marks lined all over Balloon’s lower arm. Nickel let this thought sink in and then jolted back to full awareness after.
“What was that?”
Nickel asked, but, he knew. He knew what those marks all over Balloon’s arm were. He knew what he was seeing.
“Er… it’s nothing…”
Balloon said cautiously, knowing Nickel fully saw all the marks on his arm. He had been hurting himself for the longest time. Ever since the end of season one; he had been doing this to himself. He had always had a strong feeling of regret after how he had acted in season one.
He knew now that most people knew that he was just acting as a character, a horrible one. A manipulator, selfish, careless. He knew most people knew that he really was a kind person. He just didn’t know at the time that the way he acted was gonna give him severe backlash afterwards.
Even after he was mostly, if not fully forgiven, he still felt horrible. He had always had a gut feeling, a sinking, dreadful, uneasy feeling. He still felt like no one truly liked him. He felt like no one really trusted him. He felt like no one really wanted him there. He felt like no one truly wanted him alive.
But, ever since him and Nickel had started dating. These thoughts ever so slightly cooled down. They still were there, obviously, lurking at the back of his mind, coming back out again anytime he felt remotely happy. But, with Nickel there, he was always able to push those thoughts down.
He pushed them down, and let them come out later. Deep in the night. When Nickel was fast asleep, when no one would ever check up on him, he would go in the bathroom, and carry on whatever those thoughts told him to do. As much as he wanted to stop these things, he could never bring himself to it.
He wanted to stop. So badly. For himself, for his friends, for Nickel. He wanted to stop doing this to himself. But, he always told himself in the end that there was no point in stopping. No one knew that he did this stuff, so nothing would change at all. No one would care about him then, no one would care about him now.
It was the only way he could deal with wanting to die so badly. There was no other way he felt that he could deal with this without making a big show of it. He didn’t want anyone to worry. No one. Especially not Nickel. He loved him so much, he couldn’t bear even the thought of making him worry in the slightest.
So he left all his problems to himself. Just like he always did.
“No. No, I saw something. Roll down your sleeve again.”
Nickel said, in a demanding, but steady voice.
“Please… I swear… It was nothing, don’t worry so much…”
Balloon said, placing his poetry notebook and pencil to the bedside table, and then folding his hands in his lap. He looked away from Nickel, feeling tears welling up in his eyes.
“If it wasn’t nothing, then roll your sleeve down.”
“No… please, Nickel… don’t do this.”
“No. Balloon. Don’t do this.”
Nickel said in an insanely serious voice.
“Gh…”
Balloon felt tears about to escape his eyes at any second now, but without any other choice, he pulled his sleeve down. Nickel stared at Balloon’s right arm. It was covered from top to bottom, lined with long and short, deep and shallow, faded and fresh scars. Nickel felt as if his heart was shattering.
He took Balloon’s arm closer to him with both hands, looking gently at his scars. He slowly rolled Balloon’s sleeve more and more, revealing even more scars. So this was why Balloon never took off his hoodie. Balloon slowly started crying. It quickly started to advance into sobbing, until it broke out into full hysterical, full-body shaking sobs.
Nickel looked up softly at Balloon. He moved his left hand onto Balloon’s cheek, and then moved up closer to his face. He planted a gentle kiss onto Balloon’s cheek, which made Balloon cry even harder. Nickel never knew Balloon did this. While he did have his suspicions on why Balloon never took his hoodie off, he never thought into those things too deeply.
Sweet, kind, gentle Balloon was harming himself for a long, long time. Nickel didn’t even want to imagine how long he had been doing this to himself.
“Please. Tell me… how long?”
Nickel asked, although he felt like he really did not want to know the answer.
“Ever… ever since… season one… ended.”
Balloon said, breaking out into even harder sobs as and after he said that. Nickel couldn’t believe this. Ever since season one ended? That… was so long ago. Nickel couldn’t believe that he had been doing this for so long.
“Please… why… why didn’t you tell anyone about this?”
Nickel said, even though he already felt he knew why. Balloon couldn’t even articulate an answer out loud. He had a full explanation on why, he just couldn’t grt it out due to how hard he was sobbing. Nickel thought for a moment while now gently stroking Balloon’s cheek as he gave more gentle kisses to Balloon.
Nickel then had a realization, Balloon could maybe just write out what he was feeling on paper! He knew that Balloon would not be able to say it out loud easily without breaking down, so he reached over Balloon and grabbed his notebook and pencil. He opened up to a blank page, and held it out to Balloon with an unsure look on his face, wondering if this would work.
Balloon took the notebook and the pencil with shaky hands, still having tears roll uncontrollably down his face. Balloon started hastily writing, his writing was a mess, but with shaky hands, vision blurred by tears, mind being in a whole jumbled mess, you couldn’t expect neatness at all.
After a while of scribbling, Balloon put down the pencil and held out the notebook back out to Nickel. He wasn’t sobbing as much any more, but now he was just crying softly, which hurt Nickel even more than when he was full on sobbing. Nickel took the notebook from Balloon, and started reading.
It started off with how much regret he had had after season one, carrying off into season two, three, and then now. It went on about how he didn’t know how else to deal with how he was feeling, so he had resorted to harming himself, it was the one thing he felt he could do without having to make it such a big deal.
So he had carried it on for years, doing this to himself. No matter how much he wanted to stop, he just felt he was too deep in it to stop now. He felt it wouldn’t make a difference at all if he did or did not stop doing this to himself. Afterall, no one knew, anyway. Nickel felt himself start to shake.
He felt horrible Balloon never felt secure enough to tell anyone about this. Nickel felt a few tears run down his face, he dropped the notebook and lunged towards Balloon, wrapping his arms around him, hugging him tightly. This made Balloon start to cry hard again, putting his arms around Nickel in return.
They stayed like that for a while. Nickel couldn’t get himself to let go.
“I…I’m sorry I never told anyone. Not even you. I know it’s selfish.”
Balloon said weakly, the sobbing took the energy out of him completely.
“Don’t even say that. It wasn’t selfish. Not at all.”
Nickel said, now putting one of his hands behind Balloon’s head, stroking it lightly.
“I…I was just so scared of how you might of had reacted… or really… just how anyone would’ve.”
Balloon said, feeling tears burn up at the corners of his eyes again.
“You… don’t have to be scared at all. I’m here for you, always, no matter what.”
Nickel said, putting his arms around Balloon again, holding him tightly. They stayed like that for a while, again. They didn’t mind how long they stayed like that. As long as they were with eachother.