Chapter Text
After he left Kaidou’s house, Aren was on a high the whole way home, head-spinning adrenaline rushing through his veins. In no time, nightfall had arrived, and as he lay in bed, all he could think about was Kaidou. Everything that had transpired that day had turned him into a puddle of emotions, his body weight collapsing in on itself as he sank into his mattress, left to melt into it. Every passing thought was of Kaidou. His touch. His warmth. His words. Aren’s mind was stuck in a never-ending loop, playing out the day over and over and over again, and each time choosing a specific memory to focus on. So much had happened; it was difficult for Aren to even process it all. He helplessly tossed and turned in bed, trying to force sleep, but to no avail. He wanted nothing more than to be with Kaidou again. To see his face again, to hear his voice, to feel his skin beneath his.
Maybe he could sneak out; he knew the way toward Kaidou’s home–
Get a grip, man.
Aren let out a frustrated groan as he willed the upper half of his body to sit up straight in his bed, suddenly feeling restless despite the fact that it was 2 a.m. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and took a deep breath through his nose. Deciding he sure as hell wasn’t getting any sleep, he turned on his bedside lamp, its soft, warm glow illuminating Aren’s room. He felt a twinge of guilt as he observed the cluttered space, dirty clothes littered the floor, and his desk was buried in manga, half-crumpled worksheets, and snack wrappers. Although Aren was attempting an effort to clean up his act, he wasn’t perfect. He was a natural messy person, always had been, so trying to stay organized was like trying to get a blind man to see. Impossible.
Although Aren had decided to change his ways, his parents hadn’t. Both were still proudly part of gangs, differentiating them from traditional parents. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t care about the small things most parents did, like cleaning one’s room or doing chores, which meant Aren was safe from any scolding or punishment. For a second there, Aren’s mind was distracted by these thoughts, temporarily forgetting about his previous situation.
Then a memory flashed in his mind.
Aren gripping Kaidou’s hair, his mouth fiercely moving against his.
He was aware they had kissed, obviously. It was only the very thing he had been replaying in his mind for the past two hours, but now it was beginning to sink in. When he was with Kaidou, all he could think about was touching him, holding him, letting himself be completely consumed by the other. At the opportunity to kiss Kaidou, all his reason went out the window, turning Aren into a desperate, hungry mess. Now, that dazed state he was in was finally wearing off, leaving the more logical side of his brain to start catching up.
Oh my god.
He and Kaidou had kissed.
Well, more like aggressively made out.
Aren immediately buried his face in his hands, embarrassment flushing his cheeks. He couldn't believe he had actually done that.
He didn’t regret kissing Kaidou, not in the slightest. In fact, Aren was confident that if the world happened to end at that very moment, he would die happy. But he had certainly not expected that he would be kissing his best friend when he woke up that morning. Aren had been so committed to sealing away his feelings for Kaidou, keeping them buried deep so they would never have the chance to surface. If he didn’t acknowledge them, if he could pretend they weren’t there, then everything could stay the same. He and Kaidou would still walk home from school together, hang out, play video games, and study together. Aren had told himself he was okay with that. If he could just stay in Kaidou’s life, then it wouldn’t matter if the other didn’t feel the same way.
But Kaidou did feel the same way. Now, everything Aren had ever believed was being questioned, and suddenly he didn’t know how to move forward. How was their relationship supposed to develop from here?
Aren was unsure when he first began developing feelings for Kaidou. After all, it was hard to pinpoint these sorts of things. At first, he merely saw Kaidou as a classmate, not thinking too much about him.
That changed when Aren saved Kaidou from a group of punks mugging him, revealing himself in the process. All of Aren’s efforts to conceal his secret failed when Kaidou discovered his past.
But then the other did something Aren didn’t expect. Instead of judging him for it, as he reasoned anyone would if they found out, Kaidou overlooked his past, affirming to him that it didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was who Aren was now. With those words, a new friendship sparked between the two boys.
Somewhere along the way, what started as a friendship quickly escalated into something more.
Before, when Aren first transferred to P.K. Academy, he was so desperate for friends. Desperate to put his past behind him and start fresh, to surround himself with a group of good people that would positively benefit him. But as time went on, Aren found himself okay with just Kaidou’s company. More than okay. In fact, he often got annoyed whenever their other friends tagged along, stealing Kaidou’s attention and ruining their alone time. Aren didn’t have a logical explanation for his feelings at first. He rationalized them by telling himself he was just being protective. Back when he was the leader of a biker gang, all the members looked out for one another, vowing to protect each other with their lives. It was the kind of bond that was difficult to explain, fully understood only by those who experienced it for themselves. It was just an old habit Aren still had, and now he was subconsciously protecting Kaidou. Made sense, right?
But as time went on, his so-called protectiveness turned into bitter jealousy whenever Kaidou seemed to be enjoying someone else's company a bit too much. It became a constant need to be by Kaidou’s side, to spend every second he could with the other. It took the form of a crushing emptiness that filled Aren when they were apart. He tried to deny it at first, but the longer he spent in Kaidou’s presence, the stronger his feelings grew. Aren felt like he was sliding down a steep mountain, falling further and faster as he went, entering dangerous territory but enjoying the rushing, head-spinning sensation all at the same time.
Once he finally allowed himself to admit his feelings, because he could no longer pretend staring at your best friend's lips was normal, he vowed never to let them show.
But it seemed all that desire to keep his feelings hidden disappeared as soon as Kaidou’s mouth was on his.
Another memory of Kaidou tugging Aren closer, kissing him harder, flashed behind his eyelids.
Aren’s chest tightened feeling overwhelmed by his thoughts. Suddenly, it was too hot in his room, and if he kept this up, Aren was sure he would pass out. He kicked off his blankets, which were beginning to smother him, and made his way to the bathroom.
As he turned the knob gently, the rusty, old door creaked open. Aren wasn’t sure why he was being cautious; it’s not like his parents were home–who knows where they were this late into the night. Once inside, he was immediately met with the memory of dragging Kaidou into his own bathroom to clean his wounds.
God, could he go one minute without thinking of him?
Aren stared at himself in the mirror and rapidly blinked a couple of times, shocked at the sight of himself. He was even worse than he thought. His whole face was flushed with a deep shade of red, and his hair was a complete mess, strands of dark violet sticking out on all sides, no doubt a result of tossing and turning all night. In a way, it reminded Aren of Kaidou’s spiky hair.
Yeah, he was hopeless.
He turned the faucet on as cold as it could go, then ran his hands under the stream of water before proceeding to splash it in his face. He closed his eyes and focused on the sensation of the freezing water droplets trailing down his face, cooling his skin. He repeated the procedure a couple more times before finally turning the sink off and drying his face with a towel. It helped a little; he no longer felt like he was overheating, although that buzzing feeling in his stomach remained.
Aren settled back into bed and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come to him. As he listened to the gentle whirl of his fan, he couldn’t help but wonder if Kaidou was up thinking about him, too.
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The day following the kiss, Aren was as nervous as one would expect. He was running on approximately three hours of sleep, and his exhaustion was really starting to weigh on him as he walked to school. The morning air was rather chilly, despite it being summer, but Aren was glad to have the harsh, icy air biting at his cheeks; it helped spark some much-needed energy in him. The whole walk to school, he spent imagining how the day would play out. Would Aren just approach him casually like he always did? Should Aren even bring up the kiss? How was one even supposed to act around their best friend they just confessed to?
Hey, I really liked kissing you, wanna do it again?
No. That was stupid.
It was all so overwhelming, turning Aren’s mind into a hurricane of anxious thoughts. All of these emotions were still so new to him; he’d never been in love before. Sure, back when he was a delinquent, he had some one-time hook-ups with girls he’d met, but none of that was like this. None of those girls' gazes was turned Aren into a nervous wreck. None of those girls' voices was enough to cheer Aren up when it felt like his thoughts would crush him. None of those girls drove him as crazy as Kaidou did.
Aren observed the passing rows of buildings as he walked, attempting to fixate his mind on something else, anything else.
It didn’t work.
Aren took a deep breath in, trying to calm the nerves settling in his stomach. What was he so anxious about? Kaidou had said he liked Aren back, which was more than he ever thought was possible. He should be a fucking bundle of joy right now. Nonetheless, the knot in his stomach kept eating away at him as he dragged his feet, uneager to arrive.
Aren was considering turning back and missing school for the day when he heard a familiar voice snap him out of his thoughts.
“Hey, Aren!” Kaidou said excitedly, rushing to walk beside him; they were just a few feet away from the school’s gates. “Glad I caught you.”
Aren’s face immediately flushed at just the sight of the other next to him; he could feel Kaidou’s warmth radiating off his body, causing Aren’s heart to beat faster.
The first thing Aren noticed was that Kaidou looked calm.
“Hey, Shun,” Aren responded, trying to seem calm himself, although he was anything but.
Kaidou continued walking beside him as they entered the school’s front gates, looking like he always did. His gaze was glued forward, and his features relaxed.
Aren was puzzled, even more than before. Kaidou was acting like everything was normal. But everything wasn’t normal. They had kissed. Yet Kaidou didn’t even seem bothered.
Aren felt his face flush with embarrassment. He suddenly felt foolish for staying up, stressing over everything. Was he the only one affected by it? Did Kaidou not care?
“Everything alright? You look like you haven’t gotten any sleep,” Kaidou commented, eyebrows furrowing in concern, slightly breaking his easygoing expression. His head turned to face him, and Aren had to force himself to look back, no matter how dizzy it made him feel.
Aren had noticed it himself when he woke up; the heavy, dark circles under his eyes completely gave away his lack of sleep.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Aren lied, trying to add some false assurance to his voice. He forced himself to smile, but it fell a little too quickly.
He stared at the ground below them, kicking a pebble in his way. Now what? Aren couldn't say he stayed up all night because Kaidou had made his brain shut down. Especially not when the other looked so indifferent about the whole situation. Aren searched his brain for an excuse.
“Just couldn’t sleep. I think I’m just nervous about that Trig test.” He didn’t even believe himself.
“I see. When you have to deal with the fate of the world constantly, you forget what simple problems normal people have. I truly envy you,” Kaidou remarked, ever so confidently.
You shouldn’t.
Aren felt so defeated. On one hand, he was glad everything between him and Kaidou had remained okay. Part of him was worried that their friendship might have been permanently ruined if they got together; it was one of the reasons Aren used to be so determined to keep his feelings locked away. Not being able to talk to Kaidou anymore was a risk he was not willing to take. After all, he had heard of many friendships that got ruined as a result of getting together.
But on the other hand, he wanted Kaidou to act differently. He wanted him to be nervous, or awkward, or stressed out, or something to let him know he felt the same. That Aren wasn’t the only one who had gotten his world completely turned upside down.
Instead, Kaidou seemed totally nonchalant, while Aren was practically dying inside.
They made their way inside and put on their school shoes before parting ways.
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The rest of the day was kind of a blur for Aren. He felt like he was operating on autopilot. His feet moved without thinking, carrying him through the crowded halls, weaving in and out of people. He caught bits of conversations, the squeaks of shoes against the floor, the shuffling of bookbags, all the noise getting jumbled together, flooding Aren’s ears and overloading his brain.
Aren might as well not have even been in class, because he missed everything his teachers were saying. He was at school physically sure, but his mind kept drifting off, and every time he found himself back in Kaidou’s room, his hand in the other’s hair, mouth on his, breathing heavy and desperate–
Aren slammed his head on his desk and groaned.
“You alright, Aren?” he heard Kaidou ask, his tone barely above a whisper.
Aren lifted his head just barely to see Kaidou sitting at his own desk beside him, raising one of his eyebrows in a questioning manner. Did he have to look so cute? Some students around him shot Aren weird looks, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Aren said, mimicking Kaidou’s hushed tone, hoping the other didn’t see through his obvious lie. He’d been telling those a lot lately.
A week had gone by since then, and it was safe to say nothing had happened. Aren was slowly giving up on ever getting the chance to be with Kaidou.
He surely thought that by now they would be dating, but it seemed he had gotten his hopes up too high. Aren’s frustration was eating away at him the more days that passed. He was harshly reminded of why he wanted to keep his feelings hidden to begin with, because if he expressed his longing thoughts and desires, there was a good chance his hopes would be crushed.
And that’s what happened.
Aren should’ve been glad he at least had the chance to kiss Kaidou, even if only once. But now that he had gotten a taste of it, he wanted more.
He wanted Kaidou.
Aren wanted to bring it up so badly, but how could he when Kaidou kept acting like they were nothing but good friends? There had to be a reason behind it, and if Kaidou insisted on ignoring it, then Aren couldn’t help but ignore it as well. He had done it before, kept his feelings for Kaidou tucked away, and acted as just his friend; he was capable of it. So, then why did it hurt so badly this time?
—--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The school day had finally come to an end–it was the last day before summer break, so students and staff were equally excited to leave–and Aren wanted nothing more than to go home, sink his head into his pillow, and sleep the rest of his life away.
Before, if you asked him what his plans were for summer break, he might’ve told you something like completing his summer homework, looking for a part-time job, and, most importantly, spending time with Kaidou. A normal teenage experience. After all, Aren was a normal teenager, at least he was trying to be. Aren was quite fond of the summer; no school was obviously the most promising aspect of the season, but he also liked the warm, humid air sticking to his skin. He liked late summer evenings when the striking hot sun settled down for the day, painting the sky in shades of orange and pink. He liked the promise it held; each day was unplanned, and waiting to be filled with new and exciting adventures. While he didn’t miss his old life as a delinquent, he couldn't deny there was a rush in being reckless, in doing something just because you wanted to and you could.
He couldn’t lie and said he hadn’t imagined all the things he and Kaidou could do over the summer, usually late at night, when his mind drifted off instead of sleeping. During those moments, he let himself indulge in his fantasies, no matter how silly, because he didn’t have the energy to fight them off anymore. Sometimes, it felt like the only way he was able to deal with his emotions. He imagined watching scary movies with Kaidou cuddled up next to him, flinching at parts but pretending to put on a brave face, clutching Aren’s arm like a lifeline, and Aren would squeeze his hand, reassuring him. He imagined them going on motorcycle rides, the warm summer wind ruffing their hair as they sped down streets, laughing along the way. He imagined them walking through town, eating ice cream together while exploring the area. Aren felt a little ridiculous imagining it, but he couldn’t deny that it all seemed so nice.
But now, with him and Kaidou being whatever they were, Aren was worried those ideas would stay a fantasy, forever locked away in Aren’s mind, not daring to step out and become reality.
He stood in front of the rows of cubby lockers, hastily switching out his indoor shoes for his outdoor ones. Around him, he heard the distant chatter of students and the shuffling of shoes as they got ready to walk home. About to leave himself, he once again heard a familiar voice stop him.
“Hey! Aren! Wait up!” he heard Kaidou yell, voice booming throughout the room. Once he finally caught up, he rested his bandaged hands on his knees, gasping as he desperately tried to catch his breath. Yeah, Kaidou wasn’t the most athletic person ever. Aren raised his eyebrows, surprised to see the other, but of course glad for his company.
“Shun? Don't you have club activities today?” Aren already had Kaidou’s schedule memorized, but he asked anyway.
“Yeah, but I wanted to ask you something before you left,” Kaidou affirmed, gazing up at him with those soft, crimson eyes, his chest moving up and down as he breathed. Aren felt his breath get caught in his throat.
Kaidou’s eyes were searching his face, his teeth chewing on his lower lip, and for the first time that week, he actually appeared nervous. He straightened out his back, a determined look on his face replacing the previous exhaustion.
“So there’s this summer festival on Saturday. It looks really cool, and there will be a fireworks show too!” Kaidou explained, excitement practically vibrating off him. The other’s eyes lit up with a fiery intensity like they did whenever he talked about something he was passionate about. Aren wondered if Kaidou knew he did that.
“And I was thinking we could go together,” he continued, voice a little lower, but his determination had not faltered. “If you want,” he added hastily before letting Aren answer.
He carefully considered Kaidou’s offer. Aren was still a little nervous around Kaidou, honestly unsure if he could ever act normally around the other again, but going to a festival with him did sound tempting. Aren quickly ran through all the things they could do together and how much fun they could have. Just them. No one else. He was quickly on board with the idea.
Kaidou was staring at him intensely, narrowing his eyes a little, as if trying to read his face. He kept fidgeting with his hands, wrapping his fingers around a loose strand of his bandages, almost absentmindedly. What was he so nervous about?
“Yeah, I want to. Sounds like fun,” Aren responded, feeling a smile bloom on his face. “Thanks for inviting me,” he added.
“Great!” Kaidou replied a little too enthusiastically, clasping his hands together. “I’ll see you then; I gotta go now!” Kaidou turned on his heel and took off, glancing back as he waved goodbye to Aren, smiling brightly. He waved back and watched Kaidou’s figure get further away until it was out of sight.
Aren hooked his school bag on his shoulder and headed for the doors, smiling quietly to himself. Whatever he was feeling, all of his troublesome worries and doubts, he had to put them aside. This was a chance to spend some time with Kaidou, and he was determined not to let his sappy emotions get in the way. He was going to suck it up, push those thoughts to the back of his head, and have some fun, dammit.