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In all the ways that make it real
Yoongi had a really hard day. They’re preparing for their comeback now, and endless choreography practice only gives him more reason to want to stay in bed and sleep. Most of the members though, with all their youth and girth and vigor decided to go out for the night.
Yoongi decides to stay though, not because he was tired – okay, because he was tired, both physically and emotionally. He’s been trying to forget a lot of things and being around people might work for others but he likes being isolated, having time to think.
Yoongi’s been trying to forget a world of hurt he never decided to enter when he fell for a certain Park Jimin. There are days when Yoongi wakes up to Jimin’s bugging and he can’t help but smile – only to frown minutes later because he realizes that if it were literally anyone else, they would have already received a swift kick to the shins.
It was – is hell, realizing how he feels and all the ways he cannot act upon it. He realizes he loves hearing Jimin laugh – only to realize all he ever does to the poor kid is tease and bully him. He realizes he misses Jimin’s soft fingers around his wrist as he guides them through particularly hard dance moves – and he realizes that would be the only time they get to somewhat hold hands.
He doesn’t want to miss Jimin when he’s right there, so he opts to stay away from the boy as far as possible, just to give himself an excuse whenever he feels like he can’t stand up without Jimin’s hands pulling him. Everyone’s out tonight, except him and Namjoon, who’s surely sleeping next door by now.
He’s pulling up his blanket when his phone pings.
He hasn’t opened his snapchat for a while, everyone in his contacts as busy as he was but tonight seemed an exception.
*pinjinpink sent you a snap*
He hesitantly opens the violet message and a vision of blaring lights but a relatively quiet table greets him. Soon enough, the kids start laughing and they all wave him hello. Jimin is sitting with Taehyung’s arm draped around his shoulder, the familiar eye smile hitting Yoongi’s gut. He seems more ethereal when he’s drunk – because he isn’t anxious about anything.
Yoongi sighs and sends a snap back, telling them to take care. He puts the phone down in a final manner and moves around so he’s laying like a corpse, staring up at his ceiling.
There’s an ache around his lower back, and maybe his shoulders too, that could be described nothing short of psychosomatic. He feels it every time he gets anxious about Jimin, worries about him. With a final huff, Yoongi stands up and begins to pace.
Should I go?
He asks, because most probably most of them would get wasted, and no one would take care of Jimin, especially not Taehyung who would just probably cling to Jungkook next once he’s got Jimin drunk enough. Yoongi’s nervous, because sometimes, too much caring translates into too much – too much of the feelings he would not like to acknowledge.
He paces for a few minutes when he decides that yes, he should go – as he takes the first flannel of his cabinet.
His phone pings again.
*pinjinpink sent you a snap*
This time, it’s of everyone saying hi, of course, not Jimin. His face is too busy getting smooshed by Taehyung’s two hands, and they’re leaning close enough to each other to make Yoongi swallow in nervousness.
Spite and pride. He decides, again, not to go. He feels hurt – and he doesn’t know why. There’s a really weird ache at the back of his neck that makes him feel like he shouldn’t really be worrying about these people.
He sighs and doesn’t reply to the snap.
The next morning feels like hell although he didn’t drink. Nobody likes falling asleep upset. It’s only Jimin sitting on the breakfast table when he gets out, and his feet stutter to a stop on the threshold.
“Why are you up so early?” Yoongi asks in a monotonous voice. Something happens to his voice when he talks to Jimin, like it’s trying to hide. Like talking to Jimin is the most dangerous thing his mouth could do, and he doesn’t have enough air in his lungs to gather the courage to speak normally.
“I’m always up this early hyung. I should be asking you.” Jimin says, smiling as he drinks his coffee. Yoongi’s eyebrows furrow. It’s 7 in the morning on their day off, Yoongi should be in bed until noon. He didn’t realize that.
“I guess, I couldn’t sleep?” he finally mutters, shuffling on his house slippers towards the crowded couch and turning on the television. Jimin stands up and asks Yoongi “Do you want some coffee hyung?” to which Yoongi replies with a: “No, I could do with some tea, though.”
Yoongi could hear Jimin rumbling though the tiny cramped kitchen as he flips to Jimin’s favorite channel on the TV. He smells the chamomile before he could ask Jimin what it is, but he still does anyway. “What are you making, he says lowly and soft but loud enough for Jimin to hear. “Chamomile, is that alright? You need to sleep hyung.” He says with a chuckle afterwards.
Yoongi massages his brows, knowing full well how much sleep he needed – how much sleep he got and the stark difference in between. He yawns and says “Thanks.” as Jimin shuffles to the couch, small hands passing to Yoongi a warm cup of unsweetened tea, the way Yoongi loves it.
“You’re heaven sent…” Yoongi mumbles before he takes a sip, and Jimin chuckles. “Don’t I know it – hey I love this program!” he exclaims and settles himself on the couch, on another side but near enough to Yoongi.
They sit there, and it’s a bit too domestic for Yoongi’s heart to be at a normal pace. They watch Jimin’s program until Yoongi finishes his tea and Jimin turns to him. “All done hyung?” he asks, reaching for the empty cup. “Uh- yeah,” Yoongi says as he hands it off.
Jimin stands up and puts the cup on the counter near the sink. He exits the kitchen, Yoongi staring at him as he makes a detour to his bedroom.
Yoongi doesn’t know if he’s going to sleep again, because usually, Jimin says goodbye or tells him that he’ll sleep then, so Yoongi feels a bit betrayed.
Jimin comes out, though, bringing his fluffy blanket and a pillow. He walks over like a fucking miracle – Yoongi thinks, all smiles with his stupd fucking eye smile and Yoongi is dying – he can’t breathe and asphyxiation is legit cause of death, isn’t it?
“What are those for?” he manages to choke out. Jimin laughs at him as he sits gently on the couch. “You need sleep hyung, right? Come on then.” He says as he puts the pillow on his crossed legs, blanket over his shoulder. “Ya, come on hyung it’s our last day of break you need it to rest!” he says as he pulls on Yoongi’s wrist
Yoongi feels like one of those assemble yourself skeleton models, his bones are going to fall apart at where Jimin touches and he isn’t even complaining. “What..” he mumbles but doesn’t resist, he was really exhausted after-all, enough for cold sweats and shallow breaths.
Jimin pulls him until he rests his head on the pillow, and then Jimin spreads the blanket over Yoongi’s curled form. “My eomma used to do this all the time.”Jimin mumbles as his hands hover Yoongi’s face. “Can I touch you hyung? I know how you get over skin contact.” He asks permission through his lashes and Yoongi mutters out a breathy “yes” before closing his eyes.
Jimin’s hands start massaging this temples and his brows, all the way upto his scalp. It’s not long before he drifts off to sleep.
He wakes up to the other members eating rowdily by the table, Taehyung sitting on the floor and Jimin drinking what looks like a mudshake.
“The princess is up.” Namjoon says off-handedly and he takes that as his cue to groan and gather his borrowed blankets and pillows to his room. Jungkook grins at the sight and says “Ya, hyung! Did you sleep with Jimin hyung last night?” he says as a joke and chuckles. Yoongi throws him a glare and mumbles “Whatever.” He trudges to his room before he hears Jungkook’s soft whispered comment.
“Well, Jimin hyung was certainly drunk enough and you look at him in love enough to do so I’m not judging.”
Do they know? He asks, because the whole room turns quiet and Yoongi can’t help but think that he’s been so obvious all this time, requestiong schedules with Jimin and even asking him to collaborate with on his mixtape.
He stops at his doorway and the silence in the room is deafening, until he hears Jimin slap Jungkook’s shoulders saying, “Ya, is that a way to talk to you hyungs?” and the noise slowly comes back to life.
Yoongi can’t breathe and he knows he won’t be able to sleep again, so he sets out to write the final letter he would probably ever write, thee last draft of his confession letter to Jimin. He’s been putting it off for months, with excuses like they were too busy (everything would just get lost in the chaos and the fastness and they wouldn’t be able to talk), they aren’t busy enough (they would have too much time to be awkward and avoid each other).
He calls Jimin after it’s printed out, and the two of them are isolated in the room, the rest of the members deciding to mysteriously get ice cream.
“Why did you want to talk to me hyung?” Jimin asks, closing the door behind him and the silence is suffocating. “You shouldn’t have drank so much last night” Yoongi says coldly.
“What? Why? It was our last day and-“
“Still, you shouldn’t have drank so much. Don’t do it next time.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m forbidding you”
“Forbidding me? Who are you- why do you even care if I drink or not?” Jimin replies in a high pitch, eyes wide in insult and standing up.
“Because – I just do okay, so just don’t do it” Yoongi mutters, eyes scrunching up, trying to hide, as if he could hide, as if it isn’t moments from the most vulnerable he’s been to Jimin.
“I don’t get you hyung, you’re always so cold and then suddenly you care, suddenly you don’t and I don’t know what to do and – “ Jimin says but suddenly stops, he stares at Yoongi for a really long hard time, where in Yoongi could feel his legs and knees tremble.
“Is this about what Jungkook said?” he asked, and Yoongi swears he dies at that moment.
“No, just… don’t mind it whatever I was just warning you as a friend,”
“You know that kid’s terribly observant but that doesn’t mean he’s always right? I don’t automatically believe everything he says?” Jimin says pointedly, stomping closer to Yoongi and all Yoongi wants to do is run.
“Yeah I know, just don’t mind him and forget it, whatever I didn’t say anything.” Yoongi says, chickening out, but Jimin knows him better than that,
“I don’t believe you.” He says, scoffing, as he sees that letter clutched in Yoongi’s hands. “What’s that?” he asks as he quickly grabs it, Yoongi too terrified to do anything.
“I swear if you read that Park Jimin I will never speak to you again.” He says, voice shaking and trying to reach for the letter behind Jimin’s back.
Jimin stares down at him. “It has my name on it though.” He says and Yoongi quits. Whatever. Better now than never. “Alright go ahead.
“PARK JIMIN
It matters now, more than anything else, that you read this without thinking of me. I don’t want to hurt you, so first
Imagine that I am not me, and you are not you, and this is just a letter that would break somebody else’s heart.
I love you.”
“Ya hyung what is this..” Jimin mutters, voice tight and uncomfortable, but Yoongi just sits there, waiting for him to finish
Remember that before anything else, because there are things, there are days that will always make you doubt if I do, some people might even tell you that I don’t, you might even feel like I’m telling you that I don’t while reading this letter but oh do I love you.
It’s a bit turbid in the middle but I do, in the ways that matter, in all the ways that would feel good but also in all the ways that would hurt – meaning I love you in all the ways that make it real.
I’m sorry, if anything, that I’m only saying this through a letter. Sometimes, I think if I am around you for too long, I would burst into flames – because to me you are the sun and I am not worthy of even being graced by your rays.
So let me do this in the way I do best, let me tell you I love in words that I’ve crafted carefully to hold a fraction of what I feel, so you could understand why I’m doing what I am doing.
I’m sorry if I am distant, Jimin. I am sorry if hyung always brushes you off, if I always make snarky comments, if I always exit the room when you enter it.
You see, I am afraid that my existence is a testament of the universe of how in love it is with you. It seems like everyone is, and I don’t blame them. Taehyung looks at you like you’re the most amazing thing on earth and you don’t know the lengths Namjoon goes through to protect you from the cruel world.
Not one of them could beat me, though. I love you the most, because I’m the one who admits it, without fear, without regret and without expectation of being loved back.
I am only distant because, you how it is. You know how I never want to burden you. I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything, or that you need to love me back. I am happy where I am, loving you and you not knowing.
I want you to be happy, Chim. I miss your eyes, and the way they seem like they can’t see me. It’s okay, really, if you can’t see me, as long as you’re smiling. I miss your laughter Jiminnie, please forget about the world and what you think they want because
Us? The people who make your actual world, want nothing for you but to shine. Eat well and love a lot – even if it’s not me.
I’m explaining this because, I know how you get. You would feel like I’m cold, and you would feel bad about it. Please don’t.
Again, I love you, in all the ways that make it real so please don’t ever doubt it – yeah? It took a lot to make it real, just believe that I do and that I don’t expect anything else. Be happy chim, please, hyung isn’t mad or angry with you, I’m just really really afraid of burdening you, or telling you that I love you because you always give and give and give and I don’t want you to, not if it’s because it’s something in return.
Give because you want to, and love because you want to – You don’t owe anyone your brightness Chim, we are already graced enough by it, please understand when I say that I really don’t want anything else but for you to be happy.
Again, I love you, and that means I do not expect any more than you can give. Himneseyo!
-Yoongi-hyung
Jimin’s crying by then end, but Yoongi still doesn’t say anything. “Hyung…” he says finally, through his tears and Yoongi can’t stand it.
“Stop it- stop crying, this is why I didn’t want to tell you, you must feel so burdened, God I’m so sorry…. Please stop” he rambles, pacing around, with Jimin just crouching there wiping his tears.
“Hyung… what took you so long?” he cries standing up, pulling Yoongi’s wrist.
“What I’m sorry what?” Yoongi chokes, looking at Jimin’s hands encircling his wrist.
“What took you so long hyung?” Jimin cries as he touches Yoongi’s cheek with his right hand.
Yoongi is frozen as Jimin speaks.
“I love you too.” He says, as he presses a chaste kiss to Yoongi’s forehead. “From here,” he says, brushing his lips against Yoongi’s nose this time, and Yoongi closes his eyes, throat constricting , he fear tears might start falling.
“to here,” Jimin continues, pressing a kiss to his eyelids
“to here” his jaw
“until here,” he says, kissing his wrists and intertwining their fingers.
“God I can’t believe you.” Yoongi finally mutters out, choking on his words, swallowing down the lump in his throat and Jimin smiles up at him, their foreheads touching, “Until here.” Jimin says, pressing his lips to the corners of Yoongi’s mouth, “if you want to make it real.”