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Kokomi had been home alone for hours now, and yet she couldn't get the day's events to stop filling her head. She was usually pretty good at distracting or redirecting herself; it was a powerful skill in her tool box when it came to keeping her emotions in control in rough spots, but now it was failing her. Those words that she had heard earlier kept ringing in her ears, and she couldn't get it to stop.
You're not worthy of him.
She frowned, staring at the ceiling as she laid on her bed, limbs splayed out like a starfish. It wasn't very perfect-pretty-girl of her, really, but she was alone. Right now, she had no one to please.
Those words that Saiki-kun's brother had spoken to her, they left her mouth dry, and stained her tongue with a sour aftertaste. Her? Not worthy of someone? Please, the most eligible bachelor in the world her age had personally come begging for her hand. There was no one on this earth in her league, so she would choose for herself who was worthy of her. Who did he think he was, anyway? To say something like that to her...
She took a deep breath, rolling over onto her stomach and pulling her pillow up under her chin. Honestly, she hadn't felt this indignant towards anyone in a long time. Her? Not being worthy of someone? What a joke. That man clearly had no idea who he'd been talking to- that much was clear from his reaction to her retaliation. At least she'd gotten the final word, as she always did.
You're not worthy of him.
She pressed her face deep into her pillow, as if trying to block out the memory itself. It just kept repeating, kept on bothering her so long after the incident was done and over with. Saiki Kuusuke had said something he shouldn't have, and he'd paid the price. There was no reason it should be haunting her like this. No reason at all...
She was lying to herself. She was trying to hang on to her anger and affrontedness, attempting to tie her thoughts to the fact that it was implied that there could possibly be someone out of her league, that there was someone on a level higher than her. She was trying, anyway, because she’d rather focus on that and those burning hot feelings, rather than…
You're not worthy of him.
He'd reminded her of him, when he'd said that. Those words were familiar, painfully familiar, in a way that chased away her anger, and left her feeling cold. She’d heard similar words so many times, in a different voice, from a different person, one that on the surface seemed like possibly the complete opposite of this Saiki Kuusuke, and yet…
You’re not worthy of her! She’s leagues above you! She’s just better than you! She’s better than everyone!
No one is worthy of you, Kokomi… no one but me.
She shuddered, curling up into a ball. Now there was a second annoying voice in her head, one that she knew with a heavy, resigned heart was much harder to get rid of. The man she’d talked to that day was Saiki Kuusuke, Saiki-kun’s older brother, and yet she felt strangely like she’d been speaking to her own- albeit from a side she’d never had the opportunity to before. Thank goodness the actual Makoto was out of town for filming right then.
Kokomi was the perfect-pretty-girl, with a perfect-pretty-life. Everyone loved her, she never struggled with anything, she had the most amazing luck that meant even chance bowed to please her. She could get anything she wanted with just a couple bats of her perfect-pretty-lashes, and everyone knew it. She was idolized, and not for no reason. Yet, behind what the world saw, there was one dark part of her life that she wished more than anything was even half as perfect and pretty as the rest of it. In fact, there were several other perfect-pretty-things that she’d sacrifice if only it meant that this particular thing would go away.
Kokomi could make (nearly, apparently) any man fall for her with a single smile, and unfortunately, so incredibly unfortunately, her brother was a man. She hadn’t understood it when she’d been younger, but the older she got the more she had realized just how messed up Makoto was. She got quite a bit of unwanted attention, but more than almost anyone else, the way her own brother looked at her made her skin crawl.
She had wished innumerable times that she had been born an only child.
You’re not worthy of him.
Saiki-kun’s brother had reminded her of Makoto. Saiki-kun’s brother had reminded her of Makoto. The way Saiki Kuusuke had spoken to her about Saiki-kun felt so much like the way Makoto talked to other people about her that it genuinely made her feel ill the more she thought about it. She knew exactly what her own brother meant when he said things like that, so the inevitable question became… What had Saiki-kun’s brother meant?
Are you two dating?
He couldn’t have possibly meant the same thing that Makoto did, right?
Kusuo is on a whole different level from you.
There’s no way that Kokomi’s greatest misfortune could be reflected in Saiki-kun like this…
You’re not worthy of him.
Saiki-kun never talked about his siblings. She hadn’t known Kuriko-chan or Saiki Kuusuke had existed before she met them. Kuriko-chan was studying abroad. The reason for that couldn’t be-
You’re not worthy of him.
She didn’t want to think-
You’re not worthy of him.
She wouldn’t wish this on anyone, let alone-
You’re not worthy of him.
You’re not worthy of her!
Kusuo is on a whole different level from you.
She’s just better than you!
Are you two dating?
You don’t think you have a chance with her, right?
You’re not worthy of her!
You’re not worthy of him.
You’re not worthy-
No one is worthy-
Except me.
That’s enough.
…Saiki-kun?
Her breath caught in her throat, and her eyes fluttered open, making her notice the perfect pair of tear stains on the pillow in front of her. She let out a gasp, and as her heart slowed she realized she’d been hyperventilating as well. She pushed herself into a sitting position, shoving the pillow away from her. She struggled for a moment to get her breathing under control, but after a minute or so she managed.
How silly… she shook her head. This wasn’t like her. She usually didn’t let things like this get to her- she couldn’t. Perfect-pretty-girls didn’t have panic attacks, and they didn’t get sick thinking about simple words people said like this, especially if one of the people saying those things was her own brother. He lived in her house. She couldn’t be reacting like this, not if she didn’t want him to see, and goodness did she not want him to see.
She should go to the park.
She blinked. Where had that idea come from? It was late at night on new years, it was cold, and she already wasn’t feeling like herself. She was in no condition to possibly be seen by other people. She wasn’t sure she could be a perfect-pretty-girl right then. Still… she should go. She should go to the park. Well, maybe it would be good for her to get some fresh air…
She sighed, and once again threw on her heavy coat, getting ready to leave the house. Maybe a nice walk really would clear her head, and then she’d be able to think clearly again. Makoto was coming back from his shoot tomorrow afternoon, she could not be like this by then. She didn’t even want to try to imagine how he would react.
Luckily, it seemed the brisk winter breeze did have some effect on her stuffed-up brain. There was a smattering of stars visible up above, the sky having cleared itself of every cloud- possibly just for her, as it sometimes seemed it did. Concentrating on the beauty of it was easy, and helped keep certain words from revolving in her head too much. She took a deep breath of the frigid air through her nose, and let it out through her mouth. This had been a good idea.
She froze when she made it to her destination- from more than just the temperature. She’d half forgotten she was walking to the park at all, until she was standing on the sidewalk next to it, staring at the single other living soul in the area, sitting idly on the swingset. In some coincidence, spun by either god or the devil, Saiki Kusuo had also decided to come to the park late at night on new years… for some reason. Did she actually care why? Honestly, no. She was too busy deciding whether she should go say hi, or run back home as fast as her legs could take her.
The decision wasn’t hers to make apparently, as Saiki-kun looked up from where he’d been staring at the ground- right at her. She jolted slightly as they made eye contact, and she suddenly desperately hoped her eyes weren’t still red from crying- despite the fact that she had absolutely checked that before she’d left. She didn’t get blotchy-faced from using Angel Tears™, but even a perfect-pretty-girl suffered a little from actually crying. Though, it was a secret no one else had to know.
Saiki-kun nodded at her, a typical greeting of his that reminded her warmly of their first real meeting. Probably. She was like ninety five percent sure that he’d actually been there. She smiled a real smile, and waved back, her feet carrying her in his direction with barely a thought as to what she was doing. She’d been thinking of running away a moment ago, but now that seemed silly. He was her friend, and maybe she needed one of those right now; especially if it was him. It seemed rather topical, didn’t it?
She settled into the swing next to his, and once more gazed up into the clear sky, the stars twinkling cheerfully up above. He didn’t say anything, not that she expected him to. She hadn’t said anything yet either, which, maybe she should, but…
You’re not worthy of him.
What was she even supposed to say? How could she speak aloud when she couldn’t even get her thoughts in a line? Her horrible comparisons and suspicions bubbled at the edge of her consciousness, and she beat them back. The stars sure were pretty, weren’t they?
“...I’m sorry about earlier today.”
“Hm?” Kokomi startled slightly, her gaze falling from the sky onto the boy next to her. He wasn’t looking at her, his own eyes still trained on the infinity above. He’d spoken first. She… had not expected that. He didn’t do that often. “Sorry for what?” She asked, her grip on the chains of the swing tightening ever so slightly. Saiki-kun had nothing to apologize for.
“Kuusuke,” he replied, and she gulped. He still wasn’t looking at her. “He made you uncomfortable… said some things he should have known better than to say.”
You’re not worthy of him.
“O-oh!” She forced a smile onto her face. “Don’t worry about it! It was nothing really, and- and I’m totally fine now, so…” The smile she was wearing wanted so badly to fall apart, but she didn’t let it. She tried to just be happy that Saiki-kun was concerned about her. That was a win!
Now Saiki-kun looked at her. Her smile broke, falling away so easily, as if it had been built of tissue paper, and not the sparkling diamonds she usually worked with. She couldn’t put a name to the expression on his face, but somehow she got the feeling that he was seeing right through her, past the carefully crafted facade she’d put up when she’d left the house, past the hasty measures she’d taken to clean herself up, and right down to the silly girl who cried over her brother’s words… and maybe the words of another brother, too. Still, more than that…
“Saiki-kun…” She muttered, her gaze locked on his. “Are you… okay?”
She would have missed the way he’d stiffened, if she’d been watching any less closely. It was nearly imperceptible, subtle, as most things with him were. She’d frozen too, surprised at the words that had come out of her own mouth. It had been a question wavering, half formed, at the edge of her consciousness for a while now- essentially ever since they’d parted ways with his brother, but she hadn’t meant to actually ask it. It… really wasn’t her place to, right? It’s not like she actually knew anything, after all.
Neither of them moved for a long, awkward moment, during which Kokomi felt her face begin to heat up as she became more and more sure she’d crossed some important boundary she hadn’t noticed. How was that for pretty and perfect? She couldn’t believe herself. She should have had a better handle on her tongue, but frustratingly, being around Saiki-kun often made her far more relaxed than she usually was, which led to mistakes like this.
“...I’m okay,” he said eventually, and Kokomi let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “He’s not nearly as bad as yours, anyway.”
She coughed on the chilled night air. Yes, definitely that and nothing else. Saiki-kun watched her as she caught her breath, that indecipherable look still in his eyes. He waited for her, just as patient and quiet as he ever was, giving her even this little bit of time and space that certain others refused to… that many others refused to, actually- she was just thinking of a very specific someone.
“Mine?” She asked, impulsively deciding to play dumb. Saiki-kun had made the comparison too. Surely that was a very bad thing. Though, that could just be because they were both older brothers. She was overreacting. Still, the slight shift in Saiki-kun’s expression let her know her act had definitely not worked.
“Yes, yours,” he said again, and she sighed, letting her hands fall into her lap.
“I’m… I’m sorry you have to put up with him, sometimes…” Kokomi winced, tugging idly at her gloves. She didn’t know how many times she’d apologized on Makoto’s behalf before, but it was too many… and brought to mind Saiki-kun’s own apology- and her own reaction to it. Maybe it shouldn’t be her apologizing, but, well… the man himself never would. She knew that.
“You’re the one who has to put up with him,” Saiki-kun sighed, breaking eye contact to look back up at the glittering sky. “At least Kuusuke doesn’t live with us anymore.”
All she could manage was a nod to that. She was still staring at him- from this side profile she could actually see his eyes, behind his glasses. She’d never seen his irises properly before, with the green tint from his lenses- and even now the night dimness obscured them. She only knew from childhood photos she’d seen in his home that they were a lovely violet color, something she suddenly found herself wanting to see.
“...You don’t need to worry about it,” Saiki-kun said, and she paused- having not expected him to start first, again. “You don’t need to worry about Kuusuke- or me, for that matter. Admittedly, Kuusuke may be annoying, but I can deal with him. I’ve been doing it my whole life. I’m fine. You should worry about yourself, and your own problems,” he glanced over at her, and she quickly looked away, her gaze settling on her shoes.
Your own problems… In context, he could only be talking about one thing. After all, perfect-pretty-girls didn’t have problems- except for the one, and unfortunately, Saiki-kun happened to be one of the people aware of it.
You’re not worthy of her!
She’d never heard Makoto say that to Saiki-kun specifically, but… he had. She knew he had. He’d sought out Saiki-kun on purpose, multiple times, there was no way he hadn’t torn into him about daring to breathe in her direction at this point. Sometimes, she hated how well Makoto really did know her. It would have been so much better if he’d never noticed her interest in Saiki-kun at all, for all of them.
“My own problems…” she muttered, slowly scuffing one foot through the sediment below, making an even line. “You- you don’t have to worry about it either!” She said suddenly, immediately aware of Saiki-kun’s gaze on her. She looked up, and met his eyes again. “I can- I can deal with him, too,” she said, managing to offer him one more shaky smile.
“...You shouldn’t have to,” Saiki-kun said, a moment later, and Kokomi’s breath hitched in her chest.
“You shouldn’t… have to deal with yours either,” she managed, her voice coming out small. She looked away. “Or mine. You didn’t do anything. We didn’t do anything.”
“We didn’t do anything,” He repeated, and she heard a small, yet weary sigh from him. She nodded, letting her head roll back to stare at the stars again. Stars didn’t have problems like this. “In that case we deserve an award for putting up with their bullcrap.”
She burst out laughing, gripping the chains of the swing for support as she nearly bent double, the sound bubbling out from deep within. It felt strange to laugh like this after how she’d been feeling just moments before, but she supposed the heart of comedy was the unexpected, and she certainly hadn’t been expecting Saiki-kun off all people to say something like that at a time like this.
She looked back up, a real grin on her face this time, only for her heart to stop briefly as she saw a slight smile on his face too. Smiles from Saiki-kun that weren’t related to sweets were more precious than gold, and she immediately filed away the memory as the sight brought something light and fluffy up through her chest. A smile! From Saiki-kun! That alone made everything worth it, she decided.
“Well!” She announced, once she’d gotten her giggles under control. She released the swing, standing up and turning to face him properly. His smile had faded back into his typical unreadable expression, but she thought she could still see something bright in his eyes. “I’ve probably got to be getting home now, but…” she bit her lip, and put her hands in her pockets. “If you, uh, ever need anyone to talk to about… weird brothers, then you know who to call,” she offered him another genuine smile, this one small, and soft. She’d never made this sort of open offer of vulnerable conversation to anyone before, Saiki-kun had better feel special.
“...You too,” Saiki-kun gave the smallest nod, and that light, fluffy feeling doubled.
“Goodnight, Saiki-kun!” She waved to him as she turned to leave, and he nodded again.
“Goodnight, Teruhashi-san.”
By the time she got home, those memories of Saiki-kun and her on that swingset were playing on repeat in her head, especially that smile of his… and she didn’t mind in the slightest. It was worlds better than the alternative, after all. She truly couldn’t be bothered to care about those guys anymore, not right now.
Going to the park had been a great idea. She was glad she’d had it.