Archive of Our Own

Sodachi grimaced. She didn't like to spend time with her father, but she felt obliged to. She stood outside the restaurant, hesitating. He was already inside. Once she was inside, she would have to talk to him.

It was the polite thing to do. Despite everything, he was the only father she would ever have, so she had to cherish him. Even when he was obnoxious, even when he was cruel, Sodachi couldn't afford to push him away.

Even when he reminded Sodachi why her parents got a divorce.

It was only natural for children to want to know about their parents. With her mom dead, her father was Sodachi's only point of connection to the history that led her to living the life she had. Generation upon generation, from when humans arrived in Japan, Sodachi belonged to history. If she refused to talk to her father, she would never know that history. Even small things, like where he grew up or what his father or grandfather were like, Sodachi wanted to know so that, when she had children of her own, she could pass that on again.

Besides, she didn't have to meet him often. They had dinner like this less than once a month. She could put up with him for one night.

Unfortunately, as she quickly learned, he was already drunk.

He didn't always get drunk, but when he did, he proved to be an incredibly unpleasant individual. Again, Sodachi understood why her mother divorced this man. Even though he never laid a hand on her in adulthood, Sodachi understood.

They made small talk. They often made small talk. While Sodachi liked to think about the grand ideas of inherited culture, it fell apart in practice. Forget passing down stories and culture from parent to child. All this amounted to was a daughter dealing with her belligerent drunk father.

She couldn’t even get drunk herself. Or, she could, but she wouldn’t let herself. Seeing how her father acted, she wouldn’t let herself end up like that.

“You know…” Her dad slurred. “It’s incredible that a kid like you turned out as well as you did. You’re a good kid, you know?” Sodachi was already in her mid-20s. She hadn’t considered herself a kid in years. “That bitch… She did nothing for you, huh?”

Well, Sodachi couldn’t argue with that. Her mom was a bad person. Even after the divorce, the trauma she had inflicted was horrible. She couldn’t say that she only hated her mom, because there was love there as well. However, that love was complicated.

Basically, she didn’t agree or disagree with her dad’s allegation. She wasn’t going to speak up one way or the other. Instead, she shrugged that off.

That didn’t stop him.

“It would’ve been better if I’d won you in the divorce.” Sodachi didn’t like the idea of being an object to be won or lost, but she wasn’t about to get pedantic like that. “Then she could have withered and died without anyone giving a shit.”

He continued, “I don’t even know why I married her. I must have been dumb and stupid.” That, at least, made Sodachi’s ears perk up. Hearing something about how her parents met could be interesting… Even if it was filtered through her dad’s drunken ravings.

But what he said next wasn’t about that. It wasn’t something Sodachi had expected him to say at all. It wasn’t something she could have even speculated he was say.

“What was I thinking? The bitch wasn’t even Japanese.”

Finally, that broke Sodachi out of her several minute long silence. “Huh? What do you mean?”

Her mom wasn’t Japanese? Maybe if she had died before Sodachi could remember her, that would make sense, but Sodachi had spent a lot of time with her, especially after the divorce. While it had been over a decade since her mom had died, Sodachi had pictures that she looked at every now and then. She knew what she looked like. That was to say, her mom looked Japanese. Enough so that Sodachi had never considered the possibility that she might be anything else.

Her dad looked at her, surprised, as if he didn’t expect her to question his statement. “Eh? She wasn’t Japanese. She was, um…” As he stuttered, Sodachi found herself speculating. Her mom couldn’t be anything too far from Japan. Was she Korean? Chinese?

“Aynu. She was Aynu. You know, those people from Hokkaido?”

Huh. Sodachi blinked, surprised. She was familiar with Aynu, yes, but from what she knew, her mom seemed to go against the type. They were quite different from Japanese people, enough that she would be able to tell the difference just from looking at her… right?

“...Really? I’ve never heard this before.”

“Really?” He laughed. “She never told you? She must have been ashamed of it.”

Sodachi was still stunned enough from this revelation that her only response to that was a gentle, “Maybe…” Was that something her mother would be ashamed of? Sodachi was hardly familiar with Aynu culture or history. She knew as much as anyone would; that is, that they're one of the minority groups of Japan and that they come from Hokkaido.

Was her mom from Hokkaido? Sodachi has never heard her mom talk about where she came from, so she had always assumed she was born and raised in Naoetsu, just like Sodachi. Or if not that, then she came from somewhere normal. Maybe she grew up in Tokyo.

Clearly, it wasn’t particularly a secret, if her dad knew. Or maybe it was something that only came up in passing, but he had held onto all the same.

Sodachi wanted to ask for more information, but she wasn’t sure if her dad had more information to give. Even if he did, in his current state, she wasn’t sure he would be all that helpful. Still, it was worth a try.

“Is there anything else you can tell me about that? It’s surprising to hear, so I’d love to know more.”

Her dad shrugged halfheartedly. “Eh, I don’t know anything about that. I never wanted to know. It’s her problem, not mine.”

Problem? Sodachi didn’t care for the way he was framing this… but what could she do?

Well, if he didn’t have more information to give her, Sodachi felt that she wouldn’t be able to find out more about her mom. At least, not without the luck to stumble onto something at random.

There were other things which better warranted the time to research.

Not that she knew where to start.

Her head was spinning. For something that had been said in a halfhearted aside, this had massive implications. She had no idea what to think. She couldn’t begin to speculate.

After all, she knew so little about the Aynu. They weren’t something she had ever thought about. They were obscure, irrelevant to her everyday life. She just as often thought about people halfway across the world— perhaps even more, since she liked to read the news. A place like Venezuela or France came up much more often than a minority within Japan.

What did it mean for her to be Aynu, then? Especially if she didn’t know about it until she was in her mid-20s? She looked Japanese. No one in her life had ever seen her as anything else— or had questioned her Japaneseness even once.

“Hey, kid. You good?”

Sodachi was roused back to attention by her dad’s grumbling. She had started to zone out a bit without realizing it. She was too busy thinking about this revelation.

“Ah, I’m fine. Just a little distracted, is all.” Actually, it had been a fair amount of time already. Sodachi could leave at any time, if she wanted. She usually didn’t leave until her dad did, but nothing was preventing her from doing so. “Actually, I had a busy day at work today, so I’m feeling a bit tired. So, if you don’t mind, I’ll be taking my leave.”

Her dad didn’t mind that. If anything, he liked it when she left early, because that meant he could drink without her nagging. While Sodachi wasn’t one to voice too much issue with her dad, she would still speak up if he drank too much.

Whatever. If he drank himself to death because she left early, she couldn’t be blamed. It would be tragic, yes, but she was not her father’s keeper.

With a hug and a wave, she bid farewell and headed home.

Being tired wasn’t a lie. As much as Sodachi wanted to throw herself into reading about the Aynu, she really did need to sleep.

In the morning, she had work. Once again, research would have to wait. Yet all day, while she was at work, the thought was nagging at her from the back of her head. She felt like she was doing 30% of the work she usually did, because she found herself lost in thought so much. Her coworkers must have recognized it, too, but they never said anything.

What did it mean for Sodachi to not be fully Japanese? Did it mean anything at all? Sodachi didn’t strongly believe that being Japanese made her better than people who weren’t, and she certainly didn’t think that being entirely Japanese would affect that, either. She was Japanese like someone from America was American and someone from Europe was European. It was a simple fact with no moral value attached.

Frankly, this wasn’t something Sodachi had thought much about before this. It was like she was having to build a worldview on the spot, in order to accomodate information which was clashing against it.

What did this matter? If she had never learned this information, her life would have continued unimpeded. She could have gone her entire life being none the wiser. If she wanted, she could ignore it and keep on as if she hadn’t heard her dad say those words the night before.

But if that was an option, then it wouldn’t be stuck in her head so much. She didn’t just want to ignore this. It did feel significant. What she had to figure out was how significant it was to her, as well as why. Only once she knew those things could she begin to figure out what she would do to act on this, if anything at all.

Well, it was obvious why it mattered to her. This was a connection to her mother. Sodachi could only know her mother through memories and what she was told. This was a way for her to form a tangible connection of her own. By seeking this out, Sodachi could hope to understand her mother a little better. Even if her mom was dead, Sodachi could use this to build a bridge. Sodachi would never again meet her mom, but through this connection, she could do something approximating it.

Finally, she was off work. She headed home, had a quick dinner, then hopped on the computer.

She didn’t even know where to start. Typing “Aynu” into Google could only do her so much. How could she find out what to do with this knowledge?

In the end, she started with Wikipedia. That provided a cursory overview, but it was an overview all the same. It confirmed much of what she had thought before, but gave her a little more to go off of.

The first answer she got was related to appearance. No wonder she never noticed anything unusual about herself, or even about her mother. The pictures of Aynu people online didn’t seem all that different from Japanese people. Sure, when dressed in traditional clothing, the differences seemed obvious, but without that, the difference wasn’t always clear. Skin tone wasn’t even a clear metric, either; Sodachi had always assumed that Aynu people had darker skin than Japanese people, but she quickly learned that wasn’t the case. Some did, sure, but others did not.

Sodachi’s mom, and by association, Sodachi, must be the type to have lighter skin.

Sodachi once again felt the feeling of “why does this matter”? If she could be indistinguishable from an ordinary Japanese person, then did she need to keep reading? There was a curiosity, yes, but if she decided to close the web browser and move on, her life would not meaningfully change.

But there was curiosity. Curiosity and a desire to connect with her mother. Sodachi wasn’t about to stop.

It didn’t take much more reading before she came to the conclusion that she, in her position, was not unique. As it seemed, there were many people of Aynu descent in Japan who did not know about their heritage. It was a common experience for people to not learn about it until they were adults. Once she learned that, Sodachi found herself reading the accounts from other people in her situation.

Before she knew it, midnight had come and home, leaving her awake in the middle of the night.

When she finally got up from her computer, she was sore in all kinds of places. Moreover, she was tired. But despite all that, she was happy. Reading those other accounts gave Sodachi comfort. She wasn’t alone— and moreover, it was possible that the experiences these people discussed were similar to her mother’s.

She felt odd. It was an oddness that persisted all throughout the next day at work. It was something like excitement, that Sodachi was excited by what she was learning, but at the same time, and in equal measure, discomfort. The oddness flared up whenever Sodachi thought too much about her research. It made her think about what she was doing.

Was this right? Should she really be doing this? Should she have just ignored her dad’s aside? Even if others had the same experience, did Sodachi deserve to think of herself as Aynu. Even further, wasn’t this reading she was doing voyeuristic? If she wasn’t Aynu, or at least, if she wasn’t going to consider herself Aynu, then what right did she have to try and understand them as if she was one of them?

That was the worst of it, at least. A nagging line of self-hatred like that wouldn’t leave her alone.

Even when she wasn’t feeling that way, the oddness was still there. That mix of excitement and discomfort kept Sodachi on edge the entire time.

It felt right. Learning this about herself felt like Sodachi had found a piece of herself that had always been lost. At the same time, it was terrifying to consider that who she was might change, tangibly, even if in a minor way.

Part of that were the reasons why it was so common for people of Aynu heritage to be scattered throughout Japan, with no knowledge of their heritage. Sodachi had known a little about that before, but she knew she would need to read more about it. It was a nasty thing, unpleasant. So many people had died and so much culture had been lost. That was one of the things that made Sodachi pause. Did she have the right to claim to belong to a culture which had suffered so much?

Wasn’t that a stupid thing to think?

Morality didn’t play a part in her heritage. It wasn’t a matter of whether she “deserved” to be Aynu, whether her claiming to be such would be immoral on her behalf. Whether or not she felt right claiming to be Aynu, her mother’s race was a fact… or at least, a fact so much as Sodachi understood it. Even if there was information Sodachi didn’t have, it was likely she would never have it. She would have to be content with what she had now.

Her life quickly fell into a rhythm. This became a hobby. Every day, after she finished work, she would come home and do research. Maybe she would read blogs detailing Aynu experiences. Maybe she would watch videos on YouTube, either from Aynu bloggers or of Aynu traditional culture. She even started reading books on the subject. Memoirs, history, or even Hokkaido travel guides. Anything she could find was worth checking out.

Yet, through all that, she never mentioned it to another person. Part of that was concern over how they would react. That worry held true even for her closest friends. She hoped they wouldn’t think less of her for being part-Aynu, but she couldn’t be sure. Much of what she read related to discrimination. While there had been many strides in recent decades regarding the treatment of Aynu people by the government, they were still seen as an eccentric oddity.

Even if people didn’t discriminate against her for this, would they think differently of her?

It was a coming out of sorts, and Sodachi had already gone through that once before. To go through it a second time was twice as stressful.

Furthermore, Sodachi didn’t know what to do with herself going forward. She didn’t want to completely change her life, nor did she think she should. That would feel wrong. That would feel like the most inappropriate option. Sodachi would continue living her life the same way as before.

…But it felt like she had to still do something. To do nothing would be to ignore what she had learned.

It would mean ignoring this connection that she had to her mother, to her history. She didn’t want to ignore that.

After a point, wouldn’t it be better to just talk about this with someone else?

“Whaaa? That’s crazy.”

Sodachi blushed a little, embarrassed by the sudden outburst, but Tsukihi kept going anyway.

“You’re not Japanese? I can’t tell at all. I never would have noticed.”

“Eh, well… I am Japanese. But only half. Or maybe a quarter… It’s from my mom’s side, but I don’t know if she was full-blooded Aynu, or half, or a quarter herself… All I know is that I apparently have that heritage in me.”

Tsukihi nodded, focusing on Sodachi’s words intensely. “That’s so wild. I can’t imagine learning like that about my own family or background. I’m just normal. Not at all like you.”

Sodachi’s blush continued growing. “I’m normal too… It’s just that there’s one thing about me that’s different.”

“If there’s one thing about you that’s different, then you’re no longer normal, and you have a lot of things about you that are different.”

Sodachi sighed. “I guess… But I didn’t invite you over to be castigated like that… I’m looking for advice, I think.”

Sodachi tried explaining her situation. She went over all the things going through her mind. There was a lot, but once it came time to explain, she found it went by quite quickly. When she was done, Tsukihi was nodding.

“I see, I see. That’s an interesting situation to be in. I can’t imagine being in a situation like that, since my family is normal.”

“You can stop calling yourself normal…”

“So like, are you going to move to Hokkaido now?”

“Eh…” Sodachi deflated slightly. “No. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to overturn my life for this, but I feel like I should do something. But even if I’m going to do something, it doesn’t need to be as drastic as moving to Hokkaido.”

“Right…” Tsukihi thought for a moment. “So are you going to at least take a vacation there?” Suddenly, her face lit up, as if she only realized the thought as she spoke the words aloud. “If you take a vacation to Hokkaido, can I come along! I’d love to be able to break out the winter fashion early.”

“That’s…” Sodachi grimaced. “I don’t know.”

Tsukihi frowned. “Awww… Well, I hope you enjoy the trip on your own…”

“That’s not the part I was referring to. Visiting Hokkaido… The thought feels scary to me. Even if I’ve accepted that I’m part Aynu, the idea of going on a trip specifically for the purpose of reconnecting with that heritage seems… Well, it seems awkward. If I try to engage with Aynu culture at all while I’m there, it’s just going to feel rude on my behalf. I don’t deserve that.”

“Why not?” Tsukihi cocked her head to one side, as if confused. “But you’re Aynu, right? Or at least you said you are. Why don’t you deserve it…”

“I don’t know. It feels wrong. I’m an outsider to their culture, even if I supposedly belong, right? I don’t deserve to partake in that.”

“Why not? I’m not sure I get the issue.”

“I…” Sodachi was about to repeat herself, before she caught herself. She stopped to think about it. Why did she think that way, anyway? “I’m not sure. It just feels wrong.”

“Well, you said that there’s a lot of people in your situation. So I’m sure that if you go up there and talk to people, they’ll be used to it. What makes you different from all those people you were reading about?”

“Nothing, I guess. When you put it that way, there’s nothing different. It just feels different to me. Or perhaps, because it’s me, it’s different.”

“So you have a double standard against yourself?”

Sodachi was struggling to make eye contact now. “I guess… When you put it that way, I realize how bad it is. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Then Tsukihi grinned. “As thanks, you can bring me with you to Hokkaido when you go.”

“Really? That’s pretty interesting,” Suruga mused. “I would’ve never guessed. How did it come up?”

Sodachi explained that night, weeks ago now, with her father. As she did, Suruga nodded along.

“It must be nice to be able to talk to your dad. I envy you.” Sodachi’s shoulders fell. Right. She had forgotten that about Suruga. It felt insensitive, in a way, to bring that up now. “You know, because my dad is dead. He died at the same time as my mom. So I can’t talk to either of them, unless I get a little psychotic. But that’s not really the same thing, now is it?”

“Um…” What was Sodachi supposed to say to that?

“Ah, sorry. Let’s ignore that attempt at a joke.” A joke? “So your father revealed some family lore that you hadn’t been aware of and now you’re uncertain of what to do with it?”

“More or less… I’ve gotten over my fears that I’m misappropriating the culture, but that still leaves me uncertain of how to progress. All I know is that I have this trait which connects me to my mother, yet I don’t know how I actually want to make use of it.”

“Right. I understand that.” She thought for a moment, then asked, “Do you mind me probing a bit? I have some thoughts.”

Sodachi nodded. “Probe me as much as you want.”

Suruga grinned. “Well, when you put it like that.”

Sodachi raised her arms defensively to cover her body. “Not like that. And don’t even joke about it.”

Suruga sighed, but nodded. “Alright. So my first question is this: if this is something you’re so invested in because it’s a connection to your mother, what are you looking to get out of it?”

“I’m… not sure. At this point, I’m not sure if it’s entirely about my mother.”

“But it’s somewhat about that, right? We can talk about that later. To whatever degree this is about your mother, what are you looking to get out of this?”

“To understand her, I guess. I never really got to know her as a person. In life, she was a monster to me, but in death, she’s unknowable. It’s not to understand why she did to me the things she did, but rather, what kind of life did she live? Who was she? I know scattered information. I know the first job she worked, as a teenager, or how she met my dad. But what I’m looking for is different. This feels more personal, right?”

“Mhm mhm.” Suruga nodded. “Those are very understandable reasons. I’ve often felt similar. Growing up with my grandparents, I heard plenty of stories about my parents, but it took me a long time to feel like I understood them as people. It helps that I’m still living in their house, because there are so many relics for me to uncover. Half my childhood was finding something strange and realizing it was inherited from my mom. So I think it’s admirable to want to do more with your heritage for the reason of connecting with your mother.”

“That’s… comforting to hear. I suppose it means that I’m not alone in this sense. Thanks”

“You’re welcome.” Suruga grinned, but then moved onto the next question. “So, when we talk about you engaging with this heritage, what is your goal, long-term? At what point will you be satisfied? Will it be once you feel you can understand your mother? Or will that simply be a stepping stone towards the rest of what you plan to do?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

“Fair enough! If you don’t have an answer yet, that’s fine. Maybe just keep thinking about that, then. You don’t need to have an answer now, or even anytime soon. You’ll find your answer eventually. I’m just trying to help you figure out what to think about. Now, hm…” She started thinking again. “What are you afraid of?”

“Um, what?”

“What are you afraid of?”

“Many things. Do you care to clarify?”

“With the current topic. With you being Aynu.”

“Ah.” Sodachi pursed her lips. “Well… I guess the fear is that I don’t deserve this. I’m an outsider. But I’ve been trying to work past that.”

“Well, what’s the worst case scenario here? What are you afraid of?”

“I guess it’s that I might turn out to not really be Aynu, and that all of this is for naught. And if I get invested in that identity, then I’ll lose a part of myself.”

Suruga considered that. “Do you plan on taking a DNA test anytime soon?”

“No.”

“Are there any ways that your father’s claim could be proven false?”

“Um. If I met someone else tied to my mom.”

“Do you think that’s likely?”

“Not really.”

“Then it’s not a concern.”

“I…”

“Or maybe it is. Let’s address the core of the issue: what do you think will happen if it turns out you aren’t Aynu?”

“I’m made to be a liar. It would feel bad. I would have deceived people about who I am.”

“It’s only a lie if it’s intentional. If, before this, you told someone that you were wholly Japanese, would that have been a lie?”

“Yeah.”

“No. The answer should be no.”

Sodachi rolled her eyes. “Fine. No. I wouldn’t be. Not intentionally, anyway.”

“Then it’s the same thing here. You should act with the idea that the knowledge you have right now is true. Don’t waste your time thinking about what could be.”

“I guess…”

“Has this helped?”

“A little. It’s given me a bit to think about, at least.”

Suruga grinned. “Well, if you ever find yourself getting too lost thinking about this stuff, just give me a call. I’m an expert when it comes to that.”

“If you take a vacation to Hokkaido, can I come along?”

“You, too!”

“I’m deeply sorry. It was inappropriate for me to say that.”

“And now you’re overcorrecting?”

“Regardless, this is quite an interesting thing to learn.” Hitagi leaned back in her chair. “Although I don’t know what you expect me to say. Congratulations, for learning this about yourself. You seem happy about it.”

“I guess I am. Thanks. But now that I’ve settled on some answers…  I don’t know what to do next. You mentioned Hokkaido, but I’m not planning to move. I don’t see any reason to. Other Aynu people live throughout the country, so there’s nothing wrong with it. Even if that’s where they.. Or, I guess, where we came from, we don’t need to only live there. Especially since I’m not only Aynu. I’m also Japanese… and frankly, I still feel far more connected to Japanese culture than I do Aynu. I’ve done my research, but it’s as distant as anything I’ve read about without knowing. Maybe in time, those origins will achieve parity within me, but until then, I can only see it as a secondary element.” She sighed. “I don’t know. Does that make sense?”

“I think so,” Hitagi nodded along. “You’re not sure yet, but you will someday. Presumably, you have another 60 years of life ahead of you. If all goes well, you’ll have time to find your answers.”

“Right… I guess, the issue is that I feel like I want to do more to connect with the culture, so I can understand it firsthand, but I have no idea how to do so.”

“Have you tried talking to people about it?” Hitagi said, casually. Sodachi gestured across the table, which led Hitagi to roll her eyes. “Not me. I mean, other people like you. Other Aynu people, or at least, part-Aynu.”

“I… That idea seems easy in theory, but I don’t know where to start. For one, how would I even go about that?”

“Try talking to people.”

Sodachi’s shoulders slumped. “Well, yeah. I know that much. How do I find the people to talk to? I’m hardly a social butterfly to begin with, and Aynu cultural groups would be a significant niche, especially in a place like this. Perhaps if we lived in a city like Tokyo, but…”

“The internet, right? You can search online or look on social media. Groups like that advertise themselves precisely to find more people like you.”

“I guess…” Sodachi glanced off to one side. “I think the issue is that I’m afraid of meeting strangers.”

“Ever the introvert. If you don’t get out, how will you meet people?”

“I don’t know…” Sodachi’s shoulders slumped. “Now I feel bad about this.”

“Why? What have you done to warrant feeling bad?”

“I’m closing the walls around myself. This is something I’ve become enthusiastic about, but when I think about to move onto new stages, I become paralyzed.”

“So break that paralysis. Meet people.”

“You say it like it’s that easy.”

“It can be.”

“You you, maybe. You, ever the social butterfly.”

“Everyone has that capacity to some degree or another. I believe you can meet people. On the other hand, if you need help, I’m willing to hold your hand the whole way.” Hitagi smiled. “Metaphorically, of course.”

“Thanks… Although I guess the next step is to actually look online.”

Hitagi nodded. “Of course.”

Sodachi had said many times that she didn’t want to visit Hokkaido. It felt, if nothing else, trivializing. To summarize that part of her identity with a simple location, that she could take a pilgrimage and that would be that. It felt too easy. She didn’t want to boil herself down to cliches.

However, the other side of this was that she was scared of what would happen if she did take that trip.

What if she met other Aynu people, but they told her she didn’t count? It felt like the do or die stage, the point where her identity was really proven.

In the end, despite Hitagi’s pushing, Sodachi never ended up meeting with other Aynu people. It wasn’t for a lack of trying, but simply just a lack of availability. As it turned out, a minority meant that there weren’t many Aynu around. In order to find any kind of social groups, it would require moving to a city. Sodachi was happy with where she lived and she wasn’t looking to uproot her life.

That meant she would have to stay home.

The desire to meet other people didn’t vanish, though, and so the idea of a trip to Hokkaido began to worm its way into her head.

There was the imposter syndrome, yes. That was undeniable. Yet at the same time, Sodachi still yearned for connections. She knew this thing about herself, this thing that connected her to her mother, and she wanted to do something with it.

She wanted to connect with the culture, but what did that really entail? Culture was comprised of so many things. Food, clothes, music, folklore, and more. Sodachi could read about those all she wanted, but putting them into practice was another thing entirely. She could cook a recipe she found online, but that wouldn’t be the same as having it passed down from her mother, who got it from her grandmother, and so on. She could listen to Aynu music online, but that was disconnected from the gatherings and ceremonies it would normally be attached to. She could dress in Aynu traditional clothing, but it would only feel like a cosplay.

What was she to do?

Did her mom have these problems? After all, in Sodachi’s life, her mom had never acted Aynu. She knew nothing about how the culture had affected her mom. She even tried asking her dad about it, but he was always rude and dismissive whenever the subject came up. In the end, she learned to not talk about it with him.

Her mom clearly had considered herself Aynu if it was enough for her dad to be aware and bring it up, but to what degree was that the case? Was it simply trivia for her? Did she deal with the same issues that Sodachi was facing now?

Perhaps it was something she had cared about when she was younger, but cast aside once she was a child. Sodachi had seen enough unfortunate attitudes online to know that there were bi-racial Aynu out there who saw it as a good thing to downplay their Aynu heritage, play up their Japanese heritage, and let the culture slowly fade away. Was that how her mom felt?

It was hard to say.

There was no roadmap for the life Sodachi wanted to live. She had to make each choice on her own with her own intuition. There was a journey ahead of her, a journey which was the rest of her life.

Did that journey entail visiting Hokkaido?

After a point, she reached her conclusion. Even if it was only once, even if it was only a short trip, she felt like she had to. It was out of curiosity, if anything. There were museums or visiting centers. If anything could give her a definitive answer about culture, it was those places.

That was the solution, wasn’t it?

And if Sodachi had become certain that she wanted to visit Hokkaido, wouldn’t it be better to do it sooner than later?

Besides, it was a way for her to get out of the house for a bit. She never took vacations. It would be the first time she ever stepped foot on an airplane.

With all the paid time off Sodachi had accrued, she could visit for months. She could turn this trip from simple sightseeing into a full-blown excursion.

…Of course, that would be far too much for her. A week or two would be enough. For a girl that had only left her hometown a dozen times before, there was no chance she could survive a long trip away. Her scared rabbit heart couldn’t survive it.

If she went, would she bring a guest? Travelling with a friend sounded fun, and besides, there were several volunteers. While this was a personal journey, the thought of being able to split hotel costs with someone was still tempting…

Maybe she would get in contact with Hitagi once she started making plans. But making those plans still felt like they were a million miles away. Sodachi knew some places she could visit, but that wasn’t a plan. She would need to do more research.

Even considering the trip that much was exciting, and that excitement was enough to tell Sodachi that it was the right decision.

Every step of this path had been exciting. Even when it was scary, the excitement had overpowered it. Sodachi liked understanding herself and understanding her history. She liked having a place in this world that she could call her own. It was a place that could be her own legacy. It was a mark that would be remembered.

Maybe visiting Hokkaido would be what finally gave her a sense of steadiness. Maybe that would come further down the road. Until that happened, Sodachi would continue learning, would continue doing her best to get in touch with this previously unknown heritage which still felt so distant. Whether or not she was satisfied yet, she had the feeling she would be some day… Or maybe not. Maybe her mother died unsatisfied in this way, never having achieved the answers for what it meant for her. If that was the case, then Sodachi would simply need to find those answers for her. The daughter would continue living in the mother’s name, despite everything her mother did.

One step at a time, Sodachi would continue to find her place in the world.