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I screwed up, I really did this time.
Since there’s no turning back now—something that wouldn’t be physically possible anyway, not even if I really applied myself and buried my head in textbooks, surrendering to knowledge and to a solitude so absolute, cold, and isolating that I might seek a solution involving time travel— Well, I’m devoting myself to the art of ruining my life; doing whatever the fuck I want, which implies rotting in bed for endless hours until my sister bursts into the room, slamming the door and shouting my name and telling me dinner’s ready, while I just lie there staring at the ceiling, tangled in rumpled sheets.
My whole-body aches, my head is spinning, my face hurts, and I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I don’t understand who I am, who have I become—what kind of disgustingly hideous monster I’ve turned into.
A part of me is still waiting for an apologize— which is extremely selfish and pointless, knowing really well that boy didn’t do anything to me and wouldn’t hurt me even if I was a monster (which I believe, I’m slowly turning into)— and the other part is expecting me to crawl back to him in a way so theatrically dramatic that I would seem like an actor; bitter tears tracing lines down my pale cheeks, caressing the pattern of faint freckles scattered across my face as I apologize, I would beg for mercy, and plead for forgiveness—that, in some way, everything I have done seems less heavy than it actually is. Which is not, and I’m not here to try find an excuse. But I know things aren’t that bad, right? I mean— he has it worse; he always had it worse than me.
So, I thought that maybe, a letter could fix things, or at least be a start for a truce, even though there wasn’t any conflict at all, mostly because in ten days, I’ll have to go to college, and honestly, I have no intention of going with this huge boulder on my back—it weighs way too much, and it’s crushing me.
Dear Will,
I’m not sure if I’m good enough to deserve to be your friend anymore, but I’m sure, that being your best friend, was the best thing that could have happened to me in my entire life.
I don’t wanna clear things up between us because I feel guilty, because someone told me to or because my conscience would be clear—I mean, I do feel guilty, but that’s not the point, the point is; I can’t let this slide, you were the best person I’ve ever met.
I really wanted you to know, that when I’m around you, I feel like you’re the only one who really understands how I feel. Being around you, Will; makes me feel inexplicably well, in a special way, different from the others.
When I’m beside you, I feel dazzled by this sort of divine figure—almost as if you were radiating light, as if I were standing in the sun…as if you were the sun.
Indeed, you are my sun; you are the reason I open my eyes in the morning, because your light manages to slip through the sheer velvet curtains. You are my sun because your smile is so sweet it dazzles me. You are my sun because you light up my days, because you can make a rainbow appear after the rain. And I don’t deserve this light; I don’t deserve to have the sun by my side; I don’t deserve to be dazzled by your smile—which I’ve always adored—with your bunny teeth and full lips, tinted with a raspberry pink. I don’t deserve to be dazzled by your green eyes, with their flecks of gold and hints of brown. I don’t deserve to be blessed by your light.
A part of me still thinks I do. Because I’m greedy, and I’ve always been. The same part of me that wants to keep the sun for himself and not share it with anyone else, but it’s too late. I know it’s too late, because now there’s someone else by your side. Someone else, who’s lucky enough to have the sun next to him.
But it’s better late than ever, right?
Well, if you think it’s not too late yet, there’s something I need to tell you.
And I believe, that I will be brave enough to let this feeling— that I buried years ago into the depths of my heart, abandoning myself to forbidden fantasies and daydreaming— finally surface in this deep, dark, isolating, and extremely scary abyss, hoping maybe you’ll understand.
I know I’m brave. Even though I’ve been a coward for the past years. I know I’m brave, because I’m the heart; and if it’s really this way— exactly like you told me, years ago— then you’re the reason why this heart beats.
I love you, Will.
And I’ve spent my whole life in the dark, not being able to move because I was blinded by my own confusion, thinking that it was wrong to feel this way, but now I finally gathered enough courage to tell you; and I have no regrets.
I won’t be scared when this life will come to an end, because I know that loving you was the best thing that could have happened to me, having you by my side and realizing my feelings weren’t unrequited, was an honor. Having the sun next to me was an honor; having a reason why the heart beats, was an honor.
I won’t be scared, not anymore. I will be proud of myself, and I will be proud of you too, Will. I’m so proud of you, you deserve a happy ending, I wish you the best things in your life, I wish that— whoever is lucky enough to have the sun next to him— will do all of the things I should have done when I had the chance to.
Thank you, Will.
Thank you for loving me, for being the reason my heart still beats, for being my sun, for being by my side this whole time.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that I did, and everything that I didn’t do, I don’t need you to love me, I need you to feel loved. Because that’s what you truly deserve.
Love, from Mike.