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“Hold on, Herriots! I forgot my wallet. I’ll be right back!” Tristan yelled before he hurried back through the front door, leaving it wide open.
“Where is it?” he muttered, patting his pockets.
“Tris, we can cover it; I'm gasping for an ale!” Helen yelled through the doorway.
He stuck his head back out the door and smiled. “Hold your horses, I’ll just be a moment.”
He headed towards the dining room and reached into the petty cash jug, pulling out two measly coins. “Damn.” He whispered. Must be in my jacket hanging by the back entrance, he thought while heading into the kitchen. On his way through the corridor, he tripped on Mrs. H’s poppy-covered pinny, “bugger, what the hell is that doing there?”
**Clang**
He stopped short, tossing the pinny to the side and turning towards the sound of tin striking stone from within the pantry.
Gerald must have gotten loose again, he thought, rolling his eyes before grabbing the weathered pantry doorhandle and pulling it open.
“Gerald, where are you, you litt- What the…?”
Tristan’s jaw fell open at the sight before him.
Siegfried’s bare back was to him; he had Audrey pushed onto a countertop, her skirt wrinkled around her hips and her bare legs wrapped around his boxer-clad thighs. His hands were so far up her torso that it looked as if she wore only a crimson brassiere instead of her jumper. She had one hand buried in his curls and the other dug somewhat desperately into his back. His head was tucked behind her left ear, and between his skillful hands and wandering lips, he obviously found a sensitive spot, as she suddenly gasped with pleasure.
“BLOODY HELL!”
Tristan’s pupils exploded, and he immediately turned to escape once he registered what was happening.
“Oh, Tris, oh no!” Audrey’s pleasurable gasp turned into one of shock when she spotted him over Siegfried’s shoulder.
Siegfried slowly pulled away from her, breathing heavily before yelling, “GET OUT!” and slamming the door behind him.
“Why God, why?” Tristan cried, rubbing his palms against his eyes, trying to wipe away the scene he just witnessed.
He could hear the rustle of fabric and footsteps as his brother pulled on his trousers, and Mrs. H searched for her stockings.
“I told you the ‘ouse weren’t empty!” Audrey muttered, obviously mortified.
“Well, I thought it was!” Siegfried hissed back with a mix of shock and amusement in his voice.
“Oh, how did these get all the way over 'ere?” Audrey muttered.
They were trying to speak quietly, but Tris could hear every word.
He saw the door handle turn slightly before Siegfried’s voice rose urgently.
“Hang on! Don’t open that yet; give me just a, er, moment.”
“We can’t hide out forever. Audrey replied, sounding annoyed. “Is it your tie? ‘Ere, let me help you.”
“Uh no, no, it’s not the tie, maybe just take a step back from me for a moment.” He replied in a high voice.
“Well, what… oh, I see, she replied somewhat embarrassedly, "yes, um, I will just step over ‘ere for a moment, shall I?” Audrey’s footsteps retreated.
Tristan groaned, and he started pacing back and forth before leaning against the kitchen table, placing his head in his hands again.
After what seemed like an age, he heard a crash, and Siegfried yelled, “bugger, who put that tin there!?” Before the pantry door was slowly pulled open.
Siegfried gestured for Audrey to lead the way.
She glared at him before stepping out.
“I am so sorry, Tris. We were just… er, I am so sorry, love.” She looked down sheepishly.
Siegfried stood beside his delinquent counterpart and rocked on the balls of his feet, looking anywhere but directly at Tristan.
“Lovely day, Friday, isn’t it?” He looked at Audrey again, who rolled her eyes.
“I am moving out.” Tris nodded definitively; he had already started mentally packing his bags to ward off unwanted images.
Siegfried adjusted his tie and cleared his throat.
“Why would you do that? We were only making a uh, grocery list, pretty mundane stuff actually.”
Tris snorted incredulously before muttering, “Without trousers on?”
“Well, they had mud on them, and I was, er, hot; it is summer after all.” Siegfried lied through his teeth.
Audrey smoothed her skirt and patted Siegfried on the arm. “Siegfried, stop. Tristan didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.”
Tristan dared to glance at them.
They both appeared somewhat flushed; Audrey's hair was partially falling out in curls, the other half still pinned neatly. Siegfried had pink colored smudges all over his face and neck that were almost imperceptible if it weren’t for the sheer magnitude of them.
They heard footsteps coming down the hallway, and Helen emerged carrying Rosie, followed by Jimmy and James.
Audrey looked up at the ceiling as if praying the floor would swallow her whole.
Siegfried moved on from his tie to play with a button on his sweater.
“Tris, what’s the ‘old up '? Helen asked, readjusting Rosie on her hip before turning to the others in the room.
“Oh, hello Audrey, Siegfried, we thought you were…She paused for a moment as she took in their disheveled appearances.
“Out.” She smirked as the realization dawned on her.
“If only that were true, Tristan groaned and slumped in a chair at the kitchen table.
“You all go on without me; I may never eat or drink ever again.”
“Oh Tris, stop being so dramatic,” Helen tutted, “does this really shock you that much?”
“What am I missing here? What’s wrong with Tris?” James put a hand to his chin.
“And what’s wrong with you, two?” “Siegfried, why are your buttons all out of order, and Mrs. H, why is half of your hair…
Helen elbowed him hard, gave him a look, and mouthed “Tris walked in on them.”
James’s eyes went wide, and he looked at Tris sympathetically, uttering “Oh…” before he turned beet-red and looked down at his shoes.
“On second thought, a barrel of whiskey just might do the trick; let’s go, Jim.”
He got up and started to shove James towards the door.
“Hang on, I’ve got some questions. When did “This” Helen gestured to the two of them “all start?”
“Helen, why are you pouring salt on my wound?” Tristan banged his head somewhat forcefully against James's shoulder before glaring at Siegfried and Audrey again.
“Actually, I have a more pressing question: why the pantry? Why ruin every meal for the rest of my life?” Tristan threw up his hands.
Audrey sighed; her face was pure sympathy. "Tris, if it’s any comfort, there isn’t ‘ardly any food in there; I didn’t have time to do the shopping today.”
“I wonder why that is?” Helen muttered, smirking, and James stifled a chuckle.
” Helen!” Audrey yelled incredulously.
“Sorry, Aud, I couldn’t help it.” She giggled.
Tris scoffed, “I am glad you two think this is funny! I just walked in on, well, basically on my parents, fu-”
“TRIS!” Helen and James both yelled in unison and put their hands over their children’s ears.
“Er… doing what grown-ups do.” He put his hands over his face again.
“Da, what things do grown-ups do?” Jimmy looked up at his father.
“Thanks a lot, Tris.” Helen shook her head.
James’s face got even redder than anyone realized was possible before supplying an answer: “Uhh, they make sandwiches, Jimmy; maybe I should take you and your sister to the sitting room.”
He took Rosie from Helen and lightly prompted Jimmy forward by his shoulder. Just as their voices started to wane out of earshot, they all heard Jimmy ask his father, “What kind of sandwiches?”
Helen, Audrey, and Siegfried chuckled at that; even Tris cracked a slight grin.
"Tristan, we are two consenting adults; don’t you think you are overreacting just a little?” Siegfried rubbed a hand over his face.
“Siegfried, on the one hand, as your brother, I want to slap you on the back and support you. On the other hand, seeing you do… that… To Mrs. H, our Mrs. H! I want to slap you across the face…” He cried.
Siegfried nodded. “I can respect that, but couldn’t you wrap your head around the idea under... Well… less shocking circumstances?” He looked hopefully at his brother.
“I think I could if it was serious, but you have a history, Siegfried! I will not let Mrs. H become another one of your widow acquaintances you take to the Reniston and never speak to again!” Tris spluttered out.
Siegfried looked hurt, and his voice rose slightly- “You really think that low of me that I would cast aside Mrs. Hall, er, Audrey, like one of my past dalliances? I am a different man than I was then.”
Audrey put a hand on Siegfried’s forearm again, “Tris, I appreciate the concern; it’s very gallant of you, but I’ll ‘ave you know I ‘ad as much of a say in all this as ‘e did.” Audrey nodded at Siegfried, who took her hand.
“I assure you, Tristan, we didn’t enter into this lightly.” He paused a moment to smile at her, and she smiled back, a slight blush covering both their cheeks.
“I love her.”
Helen’s face broke into a grin. “I am really happy for you both; honestly, it’s about time!” She sniffed with a touch of emotion.
“Were it that obvious? Audrey looked at Helen and bit her bottom lip nervously.
“Apparently not to Tris.” Helen chuckled.
Tris sighed and glared at Helen, his mind whirling.
“If you are serious, you really love each other; of course, I am happy for you.” He surrendered, a slight grin growing on his face.
“Thank you, Tristan. I assure you, it is.” Audrey smiled at Siegfried again and nodded.
Siegfried cleared his throat, “In fact, we rode into Rippon on Monday and got married.”
Helen’s jaw dropped before she yelled, “James! Get in ‘ere!”
James jogged in, “What happened, now?”
“Audrey and Siegfried got married!” She said incredulously.
James looked stunned before his face broke into a large grin.
“Well, that’s wonderful! He clapped Siegfried on the shoulder and embraced Audrey.
“When?”
“Monday,” Audrey said, smiling somewhat shyly as Siegfried smiled back proudly and put a hand on her back. “We didn’t want to make a big fuss over anything, especially with me being the ‘ousekeeper, I know folk are bound to talk.”
Tris frowned. “We’ll set them straight, don’t you worry about that.”
Siegfried smiled appreciatively at his younger brother and reached out to shake his hand.
Tristan shook his hand and pulled him in for a brief pat on the back before turning and embracing Audrey.
“Congratulations, Mrs. H, er Mrs. F?”
She patted his arm, “Mrs. H is fine for now; we can iron out the logistics at a… uh… less emotional time.” She smiled at him apologetically.
“Right, now everyone knows everything,” Siegfried concluded.
“Some more than others,” James whispered, his face lighting up in amusement.
” James, I expect better of you!” Siegfried scoffed, acting offended, although the amusement in his eyes betrayed him.
James shrugged and continued to smirk.
Audrey put a hand to her temple, “I think it’s high time for that brew." She sighed.
“Well, since there is no way I am eating anything from in there in the near future,” Tris whined and glared at the pantry.
“I think Mr. and Mrs. Farnon owe me chips and a drink!”
He slapped Siegfried on the shoulder.
“What say you, big brother?”
“I don’t owe you anything! It’s our marriage we are celebrating!” Siegfried blustered, starting to walk towards the front door behind the Harriets and Audrey.
“I am scarred for life!” Tristan sputtered.
“Oh please, we were still clothed… well, mostly anyway,” Siegfried said coolly as they exited the practice into the warm summer evening.
“Siegfried, please shut up.” Tris glared.
“No, really, Tris, we had just gotten swept up in the moment, and you walked in when things began to-.
“No, no no no no, we are done talking!”
Tris started moving away towards the Harriots at a fast walk.
“You are acting like a child, Tristan!” Siegfried bellowed.
Before he got too far, Tristan turned back with a smirk and a glint in his eye and said, “You know, speaking of children, it’s actually pretty lucky for you I forgot my wallet; I believe mother and father were right around your age when I came into the picture. I might have just saved you both from a really big surprise come springtime."
“Tristan Farnon!” Audrey exclaimed.
Siegfried’s eyes got wide, his face turned slightly pale, and he could only stutter in reply, obviously not having thought about that possibility seriously enough.
“I’m just saying, maybe it’s time to move on from all the...”
He paused, glanced ahead at Jimmy, and lowered his voice, “The grown-up stuff. "
He shrugged, “Safer for all involved.”
He turned back to James and Helen, leaving Audrey and Siegfried a way behind.
Audrey chuckled and stopped walking, turning to fix Siegfried’s shirt buttons.
"He might have a fair point there,” she muttered.
Siegfried’s jaw dropped. “I’ll kill him.”
Audrey laughed and took a handkerchief from her pocket, wiping a few lipstick stains off his face.
“No, I'm not worried about any Spring surprises; I just mean, maybe we keep the, er, grown-up stuff to the bedroom…”
Siegfried laughed back and nodded as he unpinned the side of her hair that was still tied up. “Oh, that might be…sensible... Probably what’s best for all involved.”
She thought for a moment before a mischievous smile spread across her lips.
“Although…” She drew closer and whispered rather seductively, “I doubt anyone would bother us in the rover.”
Siegfried just gaped at her as she dropped the handkerchief and admired her work before threading her fingers with his, dragging him along towards the Drovers.