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Somewhere in the back of Sam’s mind, he knew it was a dream, knew there was no way it wasn’t a dream. Logically, he would have felt the sun on his face, or smelled the sweet scent of freshly cut grass.
Or maybe even realized that there was no actual place on earth as beautiful as the one he was at right now.
So maybe he didn’t want to notice it was a dream. Anyways, he was having a fine enough time as it was, with the endless blue and the beautiful stretch of freshly cut grass. It was nice.
Until it wasn’t so nice, and Sam wanted out.
Sometimes, Sam wishes he never saw what his mother looked like. He knew it gave more to his imagination, but that wasn’t always a blessing, and more of the time it was a curse that came back to haunt him.
“You did this, Sam, you caused all of it. I’m dead, because you exist.” His mother’s tone wasn’t just angry, it was furious, like he did something unforgiveable. Sam swallowed, trying to hold back the huge waves of depression that attempted to crush him on a daily basis.
“I- I know, I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? I wish I never had you. You’re the cause of it, Sam, all of it.”
“Your mother’s right.” John appeared behind him, and Sam spun around, feeling the sharp clench of his heart. “You were always so useless. You’re not even good at hunting with your soul still there. You always think too much. Can you even do something right?”
“I-I,” Sam wanted to speak, wanted to defend himself, but the voices spoke louder than him, drowned him out quicker than he could speak.
For a place that looked so peaceful, it was surprising how much hurt and anger it contained.
It felt like walls were closing in around him, making it so he couldn’t breathe or talk or think. It was too much, way too much and he felt like any second it could stop, just as soon as it could go on forever. He closed in on himself, desperately trying to inhale some form of oxygen.
“Sam, wake up!”
Sam’s eyes shot open and once again he was staring into the concerned eyes of Gabriel.
Instantly Sam felt like crying as he struggled to shake off the memories from the dream and breathe at the same time. Gabriel was murmuring soft comforting words, running a hand over his back until his breathing finally steadied.
“I’m sorry I woke you up.” Sam muttered pathetically. It was the second time that week he had a nightmare.
Gabriel though surprisingly smiled. “It’s not your fault, Sammich.”
At that, Sam felt like breaking down again, the dream still strong in his mind. It was always his fault. Always.
He was so fucking stupid.
“Sam,” Gabriel’s voice was suddenly a lot less soft. “Trust me when I say that no one blames you.”
“If they don’t then they should.”
“Everyone got out in the end.”
“So? It wouldn’t even have started if it wasn’t for me, Gabriel.”
Gabriel forced Sam to look at him, even though the hunter didn’t want to. He didn’t want to see any secret blame or anger that could rest there, but Gabriel didn’t seem upset at all.
“The apocalypse would have started no matter what, Sam. If any other person was in your shoes, they would have been forced in the exact same direction that you were. It’s a miracle that you and your brother stopped it. You guys are heroes.”
Gabriel then leaned up and pressed a gentle kiss on Sam’s lips. “And I love you. Whatever reason you think you have to blame yourself, it isn’t a valid one.”
“I slept with a demon.”
“And I slept with several pagan gods.”
“Gabriel, I’m trying to be serious.”
“What part of this isn’t serious to you?” Gabriel huffed. “We’ve all made mistakes, Sam. Some bigger than others, but mistakes nonetheless.”
“But-“
“Sam, do you blame Castiel?”
At that, Sam was confused, looking over at Gabriel with a frown. “What do you mean?”
“Exactly.” Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Do you blame me? Or Dean?”
“For what?”
Gabriel sighed at this, relaxing against the pillows with a raised eyebrow. “Castiel literally cracked open purgatory, swallowed leviathans, and nearly destroyed the world. Dean helped aid the apocalypse just like you, and I’ve been killing people up until Lucifer.”
Sam blinked in surprise. “But I-“
“Did you ever take into consideration that Castiel, Dean and I all think about what you do? All blame ourselves for our mistakes? Trust me, Sam when I say that no one, absolutely no one is sitting in the corner and glaring at you here. And I’m not going to suddenly pull the plug on what we have just because you are blaming yourself for the past.”
Gabriel paused. “And like I’ve said before, there’s literally nothing you can do to change the past. And even if you could, it probably would have turned out the same way or worse.”
Gabriel shook his head. “And I’m rambling when all I’m trying to tell you right now is that there were no better ways you could have done this, no easier paths, none less destructive, nothing, absolutely nothing you could have done. And no one blames you, at all. So whatever you have going on in here,” Gabriel reached up and tapped Sam’s head. “It’s all self blame that is completely misplaced. And I would love for you to get some actual good sleep, and not stress over all of this, when there’s no reason to.”
Sam swallowed, then reached down and hugged the archangel tightly against his chest. “Thanks, Gabriel.” He stated quietly.
“Anytime, Samsquatch.” Gabriel smirked and pulled back, snuggling further into the blankets. After a second passed Sam did the same thing, cuddling up against Gabriel.
“Sweet dreams, kiddo.”
And surprisingly… there were.