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“Stop it,” Liam laughed. He felt Theo’s hand snake around his waist and pull him close, peppering kisses down his neck. “Theo—”
Theo dodged the swat and held Liam tighter. It wasn’t often they got moments like this, not lately and Theo intended on making the most of it. “Come on,” Theo whined. “When was the last time I held you like this?”
Liam paused and slowly turned his head. He was right. Between the chaos that was their lives and the search for Monroe still ongoing, they barely had anytime together, time like this.
“You’re right.”
“I know I am.”
Liam rolled his eyes at the smug expression that Theo wore. But he couldn’t complain, he missed this. Moments like this were what kept them strong, it kept them whole.
After the war had ended things began to change between the pair. Their usual back and forth banter became something more, something that neither of them had been willing to accept. It wasn’t until Theo finally made the first move that Liam admitted his own feelings, but even then, it had been a rocky start to their relationship.
“Let me show you how much you mean to me,” Theo said, his voice soft and thick with sleep.
Liam nodded, slowly sinking into the bed beneath him. He watched as Theo adjusted his position until his thighs were on either side of Liam’s hips and his back was straight.
Liam reached forward, eager to touch him only for Theo to grab his hands and pull them back down, covering Liam’s abdomen instead.
Usually Liam wouldn’t think twice about this, it’s what Theo did. He always thought it was just Theo’s way of being dominant in the bedroom or taking control, but not this time.
This time something in Liam’s brain shifted and he let out a soft sigh. “Why don’t you let me touch you?”
Those words felt like a punch to Theo’s gut. He didn’t mean to. He wanted Liam’s hands all over him, if he wasn’t scared that they’d burn.
“What?”
Liam crooked his neck and looked to the side. “When we do this stuff… you don’t let me touch you.”
Theo felt his stomach drop at Liam’s words. He hadn’t realised he’d been doing that subconsciously, protecting himself from touch — touch that could hurt him. He knew Liam would never hurt him but the initial fear never left his brain.
“I don’t.”
“You do.”
Liam’s hands slowly traveled up, this time making it to the hem of Theo’s shirt before the chimera stopped him. His hands wrapped around Liam’s wrists, gently redirecting them back down.
“See?”
Theo realised the vibe was off — different. He slowly rolled over and gave Liam the space to sit back up, unable to find the words to apologise or express how he was feeling.
“Theo,” Liam soothed. “Let me in. You don’t tell me things so how can I help you?”
“You can’t.”
Before Liam could respond, Theo was leaving. Ignoring all of Liam’s call outs and sounds of concern, ignoring the sound of Liam putting on shoes and ignoring his phone calls.
Once he got to his truck, he shut everything else out and let the tears fall freely. His heart sank as he drove with blurry vision, unable to hold it in and unable to think clearly.
“Why don’t you let me touch you?”
Theo’s heart sank.
“Maybe we can swap and I could be on top?”
Theo winced.
“We could shower together?”
Theo sobbed.
All the guilt and shame washed over him as he found a clearance to pull over. His hands shook and his heart ached, he couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe?
The air — the oxygen — he couldn’t breathe.
“Fuck— ” he choked through sobs. “Stop.” He tried to get his breath, to get his shit together but he couldn’t. He wasn’t able to regulate his own nervous system let alone his breathing, not alone and not right now.
Theo felt hot, overwhelmed and exhausted. His hands flew to the hem of his shirt as he took it off and tossed it into the backseat. His fingers than gripped the steering wheel while he tried to take deep breaths, remembering the time he helped talk Liam through a panic attack, wishing he could take his own advice right now more than ever.
Slowly but surely his own breathing regulated, he closed in on himself and shuddered. Freezing and shaking, his body was in fight or flight mode, unable to move or make a sound.
His hand grazed a scar across the back of his neck, one he remembered all too well. A small incision had been made, barely six centimetres long and one centimetre wide, covered by the back of his hair, only he and them knew of its existence now.
The dread doctors had kept a tube inside of his neck for months, pulsing chemicals and unknown substances through his small body as a child, he never found out what those substances were but he could only imagine it wasn’t vitamins.
He winced when his fingers ran over it, not because of the physical pain, but because of the memory, the haunting images that flooded his brain. Even as his eyes fought for sleep he found himself counting his scars, one by one.
“Eleven.” Theo’s voice trailed off as his eyes finally shut, his phone flooding with silent text messages from a pleading and scared Liam.
“No, Mase, I don’t know what happened,” Liam’s voice was erratic. “One minute we were fine and the next he was running out the door.”
Liam hadn’t stopped looking. Not when he slipped over in a puddle and not when his hands felt so cold that they could have frozen off. He couldn’t stop, not until he knew Theo was safe and they could talk.
“Okay, I’ll call you back.”
Liam had been searching for hours, still calling and texting Theo’s phone, regretting having said anything from the start. He knew Theo was shy — if that was the right word and he shouldn’t have pushed him. He just figured since they’d been together for six months Theo would trust him enough but clearly not.
Liam couldn’t lie though, it did hurt. He gave himself to Theo completely and hid nothing from him, meanwhile Theo still felt like a closed chest, locked and secured, unable to pry open. Liam couldn’t imagine the things Theo had gone through, but how could he when Theo didn’t open up to him?
Liam paused. He remembered buying Theo a new phone and setting it up, he could use the gps tracker to find Theo — hoping he didn’t completely toss his phone or lose it during his take off.
With shaky hands Liam opened the app and followed the directions. He wasn’t far, Liam knew he could get there in a matter of minutes if he ran… so that’s what he did.
“No — please.”
Theo’s whimpers were all that could be heard, filling the truck with fear and distress. His hand flew to his chest, gripping his shirt tightly as he thrashed around.
“Please! Stop.”
His eyes were tightly shut and his jaw was clenched.
“Theo.”
“No!”
The chimera let out a sob as he felt pushed back, almost restrained. This wasn’t real, they were gone, dead. The beast killed them, they weren’t here. Theo was safe — he was safe, he had to be safe!
“No!” Theo roared. His hand flew forward and his claws plunged into the person across from him before he could stop himself.
“Theo, stop!”
Only now did Theo recognise the person before him. Frightened blue eyes and pouty lips, he was a monster.
“Oh god.”
Theo released his grip and froze. He watched as Liam caught his breath before reaching forward only for Theo to press himself closer against the car door. His spine was laying straight along it as he shook his head with watery eyes. “No, no, no.”
“Theo, stop it.” Liam’s tone was soft and distressed, he had never seen Theo like this before and his heart ached. “Please. I’m okay, I promise I’m okay.”
“I hurt you,” Theo whispered.
“No.” Liam shook his head and took Theo’s hands in his own only for the chimera to pull back. “Please don’t do this. Don’t pull away from me.”
“I-I can’t.”
“You can.”
Liam stepped all the way inside of the back seat now, closing the door and hoping Theo wouldn’t run away again. “Please. Talk to me.”
Theo’s bottom lip never stopped quivering. His heart was bouncing like a ball inside his chest, heavy and erratic. The pressure was overwhelming, the urge to flee was strong and the fear was intoxicating.
“Theo,” Liam spoke. His voice felt like a string of waves in the distance. Theo could barely focus on it, his mind was too loud and too chaotic. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
“I can’t!” Theo yelled. His emotions rushing to the surface in the best way he knew how to handle them, anger and manipulation. “What makes you think you deserve to know? Huh? Because we sleep together, you think I’ll open up to you and we can bond over our trauma? Well, guess what? I’m not like you, Liam. I don’t trust everyone blindly and I don’t open up.”
Liam pressed his lips together and fought back his own emotions. He’s just acting out, he’s trying to push you away, don’t let him. “I’m not just anyone.”
“Sure.” Theo’s tone took a mocking turn. “You think you're special, right?” Theo’s breathing had finally returned to a normal rate, something Liam was observing. “Because I’m soft with you that means I can just tell you everything?”
“I think so,” Liam replied. “I always tell you everything. You know all of my secrets and I want to know yours.”
Theo opened and closed his mouth. He wasn’t about to compare their traumas or invalidate Liam’s feelings. But he couldn’t just ‘open up’ that wasn’t in his nature, that wasn’t who he was.
“You don’t get it.”
“I want to.” Liam replied. “If you'll let me.”
Theo ran a hand through his sweaty hair and leaned back against the car door with an exaggerated sigh. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“Why won’t you let me touch you?” Liam’s eyes softened and Theo could tell this was something that truly bothered Liam, it hurt him. That was the last thing Theo ever wanted to do to Liam, he never wanted to hurt him.
“Touch always equals pain.”
Liam figured as much.
“It doesn’t have to.” Liam’s hand reached out slowly, only towards Theo’s hand. He squeezed it gently when Theo let him, a small smile across his face. “I can’t imagine what you went through — what they put you through… I mean, I was only there for one day, if that, and it was horrible. I know it’s not the same at all, but I can’t imagine how it felt to live with them.”
Theo had forgotten the time they took Liam. The beta had a small glimpse of what Theo had endured for years, of the abuse his body and mind had been put through.
“You have no idea…” Theo whispered.
“I love you, okay?” Liam replied softly, never letting go of Theo’s hand. “I really do. I want us to be honest and open with each other. Your past doesn’t have to define you, but you can’t work through any of this without being honest with yourself.”
“Did your therapist tell you that?”
Liam snorted. “My mum did when I used to get angry or upset, but close enough.” He shrugged and took Theo’s other hand. “Do you think I’d hurt you?”
“No.” Theo was quick to reply. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me, I’m not scared of you.” He knew how that sounded, considering he wouldn’t let Liam see or touch him in other places, it didn’t make much sense. “Sex is different.”
“How so?”
“I’m more vulnerable… I guess. I’m distracted and I can’t always see what you’re trying to do… if your hands are where I can see them it’s easier, I can let loose and make sure we both enjoy it.”
Liam frowned and his heart sank. “Theo,” his voice cracked. He slowly raised his hand to cup Theo’s face while the other hand remained intertwined with Theo’s. “We have great sex, okay?” He let out a small laugh. “If you don’t want me to touch you, then that’s okay, I won’t do that. I don’t want to ever try and change you, but if it’s something you want to work on improving, then I want to help too.” Liam’s thumb brushed Theo’s cheek. “If you want to keep your shirt on or the lights off, then I respect that. Now that I know how you feel. I can understand better, I just don’t like not knowing what’s going on inside your head, that’s what hurts me.”
Theo nodded with glistening eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Liam shook his head and wiped the stray tear that slid down Theo’s cheek. “Don’t be sorry, please.” The last thing Liam wanted was for Theo to feel like a burden or like talking about it was a mistake. “You have nothing to be sorry for, do you understand me?”
Theo nodded, despite not fully believing the beta, he was trying his best. “I want to do better – to get better, I want you to touch me without being scared that it’s going to hurt. I want to let you hold me without fear, I want this, I really do.”
Liam let a soft smile crawl across his face at Theo’s words. “Wanting to try is half the battle, we can do this, okay?”
Theo sniffled but melted into Liam’s warm hand against his cheek. Only then did it occur to him that Liam’s index finger was brushing against the scar on the back of Theo’s neck, right below his hairline. “Do you feel that?”
“Hm?” Liam frowned.
Theo’s hand pressed Liam’s harder against the scar, letting him rub against it. “That’s one of eleven scars I have from them. Before turning into a werewolf, all the scars that never healed stuck around, now I have eleven remaining.”
Liam’s face softened. “Is that why you like the lights to be off?”
“Yeah…”
“Oh, Theo.” Liam’s heart dropped. “You never have to hide from me, please. I love you, every inch of you including any scars you may have, I don’t care.”
“It’s from a tube… they kept it inside me for months at a time… I was nine years old.” Theo’s hand moved to his chest and in a fleeting second he gripped the hem of his shirt and took it off, ensuring there was no turning back. He didn’t give Liam time to stare before placing Liam’s hand over his chest where a vertical scar was over his chest. “This one is from the heart transplant… when they gave me Tara’s heart, they cut me open while I was still awake.”
Liam’s eyes widened. He shouldn’t have been surprised, the dread doctors were monsters, but the idea of nine year old Theo having an open heart surgery on a metal bench surrounded by a bunch of creepy masked men made his stomach drop.
“This one,” Theo pressed Liam’s hand against his right rib. “Is from them breaking my ribs, they only broke two and were hoping to use animal ribs inside me – not sure where the logic came from but they were determined to transform me… they didn’t want me to become another failure." Threo scoffed at the irony. “First chimera and still a failure.”
“You’re not a failure. You are so far from that, I promise.”
Theo nodded and continued. “This scar is from a needle,” a small smile tugged at his lips. “Douglas couldn’t figure out how to remove an IV and tore it from my hand. There was so much blood and I’m pretty sure he fucked up my vein, but I still wouldn’t die.
“Why’s that funny and– wait – they had names?”
“Because he was always so ‘perfect’ with everything he did and the memory makes me laugh and yeah, they were once people, they had names.” Theo replied.
It only occurred to Liam then and there that Theo knew them, like really knew them. He was raised with them and grew up around other experiments, a constant revolving door. No wonder Theo had so much trauma. “Did you ever make friends?”
Theo nodded. “That’s what this scar is from,” Theo said, turning to the side to show Liam his back. “Damien, he was thirteen when they kidnapped him and I was twelve. We got along at first but the experiments made him feral. I don’t know what they were trying to turn him into but it wasn’t pretty. He snapped and tried to kill me but the doctors intervened and kept me in a separate room from then on… I never saw another experiment again… Not until Donovan, but that was a different situation.”
“How did they know they could trust you? They let you go and we obviously met you, how did they know you wouldn't run away and get help?”
“Who would help me?” Theo replied. “I was with them for eight years, Liam. I saw what they were capable of and I knew their end goal… the beast. They had high hopes for me being an alpha, a success, they kept me close in their back pocket and I was with them every single day. I gave up wanting to escape after the first year, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I was going to die there and I came to terms with that very early on, it was just easier that way… I probably sound weak for doing that but–”
Liam shook his head. “No. You weren't weak. You were a nine year old little boy scared and confused who had watched his sister die only to be taken by creepy masked men. You weren’t weak for not running, that was probably the smartest thing you could have done. I don’t blame you, I mean, I was sixteen when they took me and I was terrified. I can’t imagine how I would have reacted when I was nine years old, I probably would have cried and begged for my mum. But you did it, you survived them and you’re here now. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s weak or broken, not to me. It sounds like someone who’s survived and who despite everything, made it out on the other side.”
“When did you get so wise?”
Liam snickered. “I didn’t.” He pressed his lips together before continuing. “Maybe I just know the right things to say when it’s for people I love.”
“Maybe.”
“What about this one?” Liam asked, staring at the lower abdomen scar, almost like an incision. Theo let him brush his fingers along the healed scar, curiosity and hurt filling his eyes. “Does it hurt?”
“It’s actually kind of numb…” Theo saw the concern in Liam’;s eyes. “It’s normal. I probably won’t ever have full feeling there again.” He leaned back and Liam got a proper look at it, the length wasn’t too long, roughly six centimeters while the width was barely two centimeters. “They had to give me a liver transplant… mine wasn't working properly after all the poison and chemicals they’d been pumping through me. I thought I was going to die that time, but nope, still here.”
“You remember it?”
“I remember everything.” Theo turned to the side and released a sigh. “I was fourteen for this surgery so I wasn’t as scared, I didn’t know how serious a liver transplant was, or the risks that came with doing it… I was tired all the time, so tired, no amount of rest was helping. I couldn’t keep any food down, not that they fed me proper meals, but I couldn't keep the soups or packet noodles down.”
Liam nodded, showing that he was listening intently without interrupting him.
“They had me sit on the edge of the metal bench, it was cold and I couldn;t stop shaking even when they told me to sit perfectly still, I found it really hard to do that through the pain. I felt a small prick in my spine and then nothing, my legs went numb and I couldn’t feel them pinching my sides or stomach. I was just happy they drugged me up for once… I didn’t have to feel the physical pain this time.”
This time.
Liam frowned. How could these people – if you could even call them that – hurt someone like Theo, how could they hurt a child? It made him sick.
“Then they laid me down on a metal bench and put up a blue tarp. It was kind of like a hospital set up, except without nurses and proper medical professionals surrounding me. I remember shaking frantically, I don’t know if it was the drugs they gave me or the cold, but it was bad.” Theo looked to the side, feeling his body cover in goosebumps as he tapped into that horrible memory. “I could feel the pressure… it felt like they were rummaging inside me like I was a purse, but I didn’t feel the pain, not really. I felt the tugging of my skin, they weren’t gentle about it… and then I blacked out.”
“Jesus, Theo.”
“I don’t know what else they did to me then but they showed me my liver afterwards, so I could only assume they gave me someone else’s… I don’t know whos’ it belongs to but… I am made of other people's parts.”
“It doesn't matter, it doesn't make you any less you.”
“Thank you…” Theo sniffled. He wiped away the stray tear and looked down, a mixture of shame, hatred for himself and fear washed over him but he didn’t hide it, not this time.
“I really wanna give you a hug,” Liam whispered. “Can I?”
“Please.” Theo’s voice broke as he leaned forward. He felt his chest press against Liam’s clothed body, the warmth radiating through him as he focused on Liam’s heartbeat. He felt the beta’s warm hands caressing his back and for once, it didn’t scare him, it brought him comfort.
Who knew touch could be so soft? So reassuring?
“I love you.”
Liam smiled and pulled back, gently cupping Theo’s face. “I love you always. We will get through this together, you’re more than your past and more than your scars, okay?”
“Okay.”
And for once, Theo believed him. For once, touch didn’t equal fear or pain, it made him think of Liam, his safe space and his comfort, he didn’t need to fear Liam. Everything was going to be okay.