Work Text:
Hongjoong was sitting at his desk in a small room in his apartment, he called a studio. It was far from being a professional one, but he made it work somehow. And right now, he was working on a new song for a small group called Xikers.
Working as a producer had always been his dream, and even though the company that hired him wasn't big, he still loved working there. They were giving him a lot of creative freedom that wasn't so easily obtainable nowadays.
The song would be the title track for their comeback later this year. He had gotten a theme to work with, but he was stuck on coming up with the right beat for days now.
When his phone started blowing up with messages, he took it as a sign to take a break. At first, he thought it was Wooyoung having another 'emergency' that would turn out to be the easiest problem in the world, but to his surprise, it was a group chat.
The name 'ATEEZ' was clearly displayed on his screen. It was his friend group from high school. Usually, it wasn't that active, since most of them moved to Seoul for university or work. A couple of messages from time to time, but it was just a casual thing to update the rest about their lives.
It was a bit sad not to see them every day at school, but Hongjoong understood that some things in life don't last forever. Now they had universities, jobs, new friendships, and relationships to worry about.
He still had Wooyoung, who stayed in their hometown to work in his mom's cafe. They stayed in touch even after finishing high school. Seeing each other pretty often. Wooyoung would come over just to sit around and yap about his life. Or Hongjoong would go to sit at his work and enjoy a free cup of coffee while working on his laptop. It was peaceful in a way, but there were times when he missed all the chaotic group outings they had back in the day.
It was Wooyoung's idea to name the group chat 'ATEEZ', because he was the one who created it and ultimately brought them all together. It meant A Teenagers Z, and it was supposed to show that everyone from A to Z was included.
At first, they thought the name was weird, but gradually they got used to it. It really suited them. There were 8 of them, every one of them was different, yet they weirdly worked out together just fine. With time, they even started calling themselves Ateez.
It already had 99+ unread messages. He let out a loud sigh, running his hand through his hair. He was always the last to read it, and he was pretty sure they had made a joke about it already.
ATEEZ
Wooyoung
GUYS IMPORTANT QUESTION
Is everyone coming back for the summer break??
Yunho
Me and Mingi are going back on Friday
Yeosang
I'm already back
Jongho
I wasn't planning to, but now I have a feeling I would need to
Wooyoung
Sweet
What about the rest??
Seonghwa why are you reading and not answering??
And why is Hongjoong never active when I need him??
Mingi
And what about San?
Jongho
What is going on btw?
Wooyoung
I already talked with Sannie and he's staying at his grandma's rn and doesn't have wi-fi
Our plan was to go out as a group like we used to
That's why I'm asking if you guys are coming back
Yunho
That's sounds amazing, I miss you guys
Wooyoung
ME TOO
That's why I want to meet
Is everyone up for Friday?
Mingi
This Friday??
Wooyoung
Yup obviously
Yunho
I'm up, but we might be a bit late
It all depends on how fast princess will pack himself
Mingi
What? I'm nearly finished with packing
Yunho
[Sent a photo]
'Nearly finished' btw
Wooyoung
LMAO
Yeosang
Fine with me
Jongho
I can make it work
Wooyoung
Let's go!!
Now we need our hyungs to ANSWER THE GROUP CHAT
SEONGHWA I SEE YOU READING
Seonghwa
I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it
Yunho
Why is that?
Wooyoung
Oh come on
Don't you miss me?
Seonghwa
I do, but I'm really busy Woo
Wooyoung
Pleaseeeee Seonghwaaaa
It won't be the same without you
And I bet Hongjoong would love to see his only hyung
Jongho
Surprisingly he's right
Wooyoung
Thank you Jongho
WAIT WHAT??
Seonghwa
Fine, I'll think about it
Yeosang
Now we are only missing one person...
Mingi
The one that is always busy or sleeping
Wooyoung
JOONGIE!!!!!
ANSWER OR I'M COMING OVER!!!
Hongjoong quickly scrolled through the messages, a small smile painted itself on his face when he saw them bicker the same as before.
Yunho and Mingi were renting an apartment together in Seoul. It was more convenient like that. Their schools were close, and they could split the bills, and was there a better thing than having your best friend as your flatmate?
Yunho chose dance as his major. It was always his passion, and even in school, he was a dance team leader. As for Mingi, it was a harder choice. He wanted to be a rapper, but schools often offer only a vocal performance major, and only later on the ability to pick a specialization. And he decided that he would try it out, and if he didn't like it, there was still time to change the major or school.
The youngest of them, Jongho, moved out of his parents' home to live with his uncle in Seoul. He didn't have a set goal yet, but he wanted to be independent and not leach off his parents so much. He found a stable job in a music school as a teacher's assistant. Jongho had an angel's voice. He was naturally gifted, but he would much rather pass on his knowledge than pursue a vocal career.
Yeosang moved in with his sister and got a job thanks to her. They were always really close, so it didn't come as a shock. He was working as a secretary in a modelling agency where his sister was a make-up artist. The job wasn't fancy, but it was enough for him now.
San, unlike the rest of them, decided to take a gap year and travel. Mostly around Korea and Japan, doing side jobs on the way in exchange for a place to sleep. Hongjoong thought it was really cool, but ultimately decided it wasn't for him. Despite the fact that he was rather busy on his journey, he always found time to talk with Wooyoung on the phone and tell him everything he had done. They were truly best friends.
When he saw Seonghwa's name, he paused for a moment. A weird feeling swirled in his gut. Guilt mixed with excitement to see the only person in the friend group who was older than him.
They were polar opposites, and Hongjoong would have never thought that they would become best friends in such a short time. Turned out they were a perfect match. Others often joked they were the parents of the group, and they have never argued with that.
Meetings at school turned into group outings and into hanging out just the two of them. Endless conversations about their dreams for the future, mixed with casual topics like music or art, made the time fly incredibly fast.
Seonghwa dreamed of becoming a model, and Hongjoong wanted to be a producer. They were both pushing themselves towards their goals, supporting each other unconditionally.
Before Hongjoong knew it, he developed a crush on Seonghwa. It came as a shock at first. Never before had he considered being with a man. Not that he had anything against it. It was more like a societal standard - a man can only fall in love with a woman.
He thought maybe it would pass, but it never did. Even worse, it was intensifying every day.
The two of them never talked about relationships. But Seonghwa had a lot of female friends. Wooyoung would always tease him about liking one of them. Even though Seonghwa dismissed it every time, he would get flushed red at those comments, so Hongjoong figured it must be at least partially true.
It hurt his heart, he knew he could never tell Seonghwa how he felt. He didn't want to put him in an uncomfortable position, and above all, their friendship was very important to him. He couldn't bear the thought of him ruining it by developing feelings, so he just pretended he didn't have a crush on him.
The summer after they finished high school was the worst. Most of the group was busy with college applications, trips with families or moving.
Hongjoong was looking for a job, but besides that, he spent most of his summer at Seonghwa's. His parents were away for the whole summer because of work, so it was a perfect place to hang out, just the two of them.
Seonghwa was constantly talking about college. He seemed really excited, trying on outfits for his portfolio, looking at apartments. Hongjoong was truly happy for him, but deep inside he was scared of Seonghwa leaving him.
One day, he was lying on Seonghwa's bed, scrolling on his phone while the other looked for clothes to make outfits to take photos in.
"Hongjoong-ah, how do I look?" He asked, unsure, posing in front of a full-body mirror."You look gorgeous."
Seonghwa turned around to look at Hongjoong. "You didn't even look up."
He raised his head to look at the older, Seonghwa was clearly annoyed, but Hongjoong stupidly smiled and said. "You always look gorgeous."
"Ugh, you're not helpful at all."
Good thing Seonghwa turned around, because if he hadn't, he would have seen how red Hongjoong's face was now. He would blame it on the hot weather, but it wouldn't sound convincing.
One day, Seonghwa even offered Hongjoong the chance to move with him to Seoul. It was unfortunate timing because just before coming over, he got an email from KQ Entertainment saying he got a job. He could work remotely, but he still needed to attend all the meetings and commuting from Seoul didn't sound too appealing.
The other thing was his little crush, which had now turned into something huge. Hongjoong wasn't sure if he could hide it if they lived together and took it as a sign for their common good.
After Seonghwa moved to college, everything changed. At first, they were messaging each other every day, then every week, every month. And one day, there were no more messages and breaking the silence felt more and more awkward with every passing day.
And now he would see him again, after nearly a year. He couldn't explain the number of things he was feeling and all the scenarios playing out in his head.
Does Seonghwa still like him? They were friends for so long; he needed to, right?
Did he change? He must have. A whole year passed.
Did he want to see him after how their contact faded? I hoped he would.
Will it be awkward? "Of course it will be." Hongjoong sighed the words to himself.
But even if he was sure it would be awkward as hell, part of him couldn't wait to see him again.
"So much time passed, and I'm still not over him, god..."
His fingers hovered over the keyboard for a while, he couldn't decide what to answer. Seonghwa clearly didn't sound sure about coming, and he wondered if that was his fault. If it were, he didn't want to take away his chance to meet with everyone.
Wooyoung's message replayed in his head over and over again. ‘And I bet Hongjoong would love to see his only hyung.’ He wasn't wrong.
ATEEZ
Hongjoong
I'm here I'm here calm down
Wooyoung
FINALLY
You're free right?
Hongjoong
About that... I don't think I can manage
I still have a lot of work on the new Xikers’ song
Yunho
Oh come onnnn
You always working
It's just one evening
Jongho
Everyone deserves a break even a workaholic like you
It seemed like they wouldn't let it go. He knew it wouldn't be easy to refuse.
ATEEZ
Wooyoung
Everyone agreed already
You can't leave me like that Joongie
You love me too much
And Seonghwa will be there
That was exactly the problem. But he couldn't say that. He never told anyone about his crush, not even Wooyoung. They all still thought they were best friends, and had no idea that they hadn't talked for months now.
ATEEZ
Hongjoong
Well, I'll see what I can do
Wooyoung
YAY
Yeosang
So our usual place?
Mingi
YES
I can't wait to eat the best bbq in town
Jongho
At 6 p.m.?
Wooyoung
Perfect
Yunho
Sounds ideal
Yeosang
Yass
"It's not going to go well", he said, staring at the screen before him. An n-th draft of a song was there staring back at him. It still didn't sound right.
Resigned, he just laid his forehead on the desk. Fuck.
✧✧✧
The meet was only a week away, but with each passing day, Hongjoong felt less and less sure about attending. He knew Wooyoung would kill him if he didn't come though, and making him upset was the last thing he wanted.
And today was Thursday, Hongjoong had no idea what to do with himself. The song was still far from being finished, and his head was constantly flooded with every possible thing that could happen tomorrow.
On the spur of the moment, he made a decision to go see Wooyoung because, in his head, it was supposed to help somehow, and he didn't question it.
The walk to the cafe helped him clear his head in seconds. He didn't put headphones on, he had had enough of music for now. Looking at all the buildings and nature around him gave him a feeling of grounding and freedom he so desperately needed.
From time to time, a car passed by cutting through the noises of the birds and the passersby's conversations. The town they lived in wasn't big, but enough not to know every single person. It was a perfect size, not too much commotion but not entirely isolated, like villages.
He reached the coffee shop in less than half an hour. It was an advantage of a town this size that everything was within a walkable distance. Hongjoong felt much better after his walk, and when a familiar smell of coffee reached his nose, his whole frame relaxed in seconds.
It was like a second home to him. A place where countless conversations with Wooyoung took place, hours spent making music and too many cups of coffee were drunk.
At the counter stood Wooyoung with a huge smile already on his face. Hongjoong swore it could make anyone's day better.
"Hi, Joongie! What brings you here?" He said with a small wave.
"Hi, Woo. I just had enough of this project I'm working on, and I needed a break, so I thought I would come over."
"I'm glad then. You're going to make it work tomorrow though, right?" Wooyoung asked with a slight worry in his voice.
Hongjoong felt his mouth getting terribly dry in seconds. He was going to make it there, but he wasn't sure if he would manage to be there.
Even though he talked with Wooyoung so often, he never explained what happened between him and Seonghwa. That they just lost contact over time, and things were a bit weird now.
Hongjoong was sure that if he ever mentioned it, Wooyoung would do anything to fix things between them, and Hongjoong wasn't ready for that.
With every passing day, week, month, it was only getting more awkward to bring it up, so he never did. And if Wooyoung were to ask about Seonghwa, Hongjoong would change topics or say a little white lie. He was telling himself it was better for everyone that way.
"Yes, I'll make it work somehow." He didn't sound convincing at all, but Wooyoung didn't comment. Even if he did, he would just blame it on being tired, because he was, in fact, insanely tired.
Besides him being overloaded with work, he had a lot of trouble with keeping a healthy sleep schedule. It was always like that since he could remember.
Always staying up late, having zero energy or motivation in the morning to get up. Even on rare days when he got a full 8 hours of sleep, he still felt tired. So he gave up every attempt to fix it and just went about with his life on questionable amounts of caffeine.
"Do you want your usual?"
"Yes, please."
Wooyoung went to make his coffee, and Hongjoong took a free spot at the table near the counter. He pulled out his phone just to see 99+ unread messages again.
He clicked on the notification, and the group chat popped out.
ATEEZ
Wooyoung
How's everyone feeling?
Excited for tomorrow?
Bc I am
Jongho
We can tell
Yunho
I can't wait to see you guys
Just finished packing
[Sent a photo]
And this is the state princess is at
Yeosang
Isn't it the same photo as last week?
Yunho
LMAO
Mingi
IT'S CLEARLY NOT??
San
Woo weren't you supposed to be working?
Wooyoung
I am
[Sent a photo]
But I'm bored
Where are our hyungs again?
Yeosang
It's suspicious they're both missing all the time
Jongho
I think you're onto something
Wooyoung
MOM WHERE ARE YOU?
Seonghwa
Why are you still calling me mom?
Yunho
Cause you and Hongjoong are the parents of the group duh
Mingi
It's going to be like a family reunion lol
Wooyoung
I know you can't wait to see me Hwa you love me too much
Seonghwa
I wouldn't say so
Yunho
LMAO
Yeosang
Now we're missing our other parent
Jongho
As always
Wooyoung
Found him
[Sent a photo]
San
He's looking at his phone and not answering
That's rude
Hongjoong
Bruh I just finished reading
Not my fault you're just spamming messages here
I am not looking at my phone all the time
Jongho
Clearly
Wooyoung
Okay tomorrow 6 p.m. our favourite bbq place don't be late!!
Yunho
See you!!
Hongjoong looked up from the screen just to see Wooyoung giggling to his phone, he was clearly ecstatic for tomorrow. He didn't have a heart to change that, so he would give his best performance, pretending that he didn't have feelings for Seonghwa and that they hadn't stopped talking such a long time ago.
Wooyoung came back with coffee, and they sat together, talking for who knows how long. It kept Hongjoong from all the spiralling thoughts, and he was grateful. He listened to his friend talking about yesterday's meeting with San, how many cool-sounding things he had done on his trip and his plans for the future.
Time flew so fast that Wooyoung needed to close the cafe, so Hongjoong thanked him for the coffee and company and headed home.
✧✧✧
At home, he made himself instant noodles and sat at the table. The anxiety was reaching a whole new level, that it was hard to swallow.
He needed information, something, anything. Hongjoong took his phone and opened Instagram. All those months ago, he promised himself he wouldn’t go on his profile, but now he couldn't stop himself, he wanted some kind of closure.
Staring at the blinking line for a while, debating for a last time if he wanted to do it or not. But he caved, typing in '_star' was enough, and his profile popped up at the top.
The profile picture was different, but the username stayed the same _starhwa_. It felt nostalgic in a way, but his stomach twisted itself at the mere thought of basically stalking Seonghwa's profile.
It was too late now. With just one click, the profile opened. To his surprise, there weren't as many posts as he expected from a modelling student.
He clicked the latest post and scrolled through. A bunch of aesthetic photos from what he assumed were some kind of shoots, cafes and Seonghwa. It was from two weeks ago.
His figure stayed the same or looked even better than he remembered. Seonghwa was wearing a black set that consisted of a pair of wide-leg slacks and a jacket. The blouse was made of a silver sequin material, with white button-up peaking from underneath it.
Hongjoong couldn't take his eyes off the screen, Seonghwa looked ethereal. Like a full-fledged model, not just a student.
His hair was now reaching his shoulders, it looked like he hadn't cut it since the time they had seen each other for the last time. It suited him. Seonghwa always had this feminine side to him, but he wasn't showing it off this proudly before.
"Are those heels?" His mouth worked faster than his brain, speaking the words out loud.
That's incredibly hot. He felt like his whole brain just malfunctioned. Seonghwa always had long, slim legs, but with heels he looked even better.
He couldn't see anyone else on the other posts. There was just Seonghwa and his picture-perfect life. If that was true and not just a created image for social media, Hongjoong was truly happy for him, even if a part of him always wanted to be a part of that life.
His anxiety eased slightly, now replaced with a feeling he couldn't quite describe. Something between guilt, disappointment, jealousy, and happiness, all mixed together. At least now he knew what to expect tomorrow.
A quick shower and he went to lie down. It was still early, only 10 p.m., but he felt so exhausted with everything. He wished sleep would come quickly.
✧✧✧
The next morning was brutal, Hongjoong was turning and tossing in his bed all night. He woke up all covered in sweat. His brain had been working overtime on analysing all possible scenarios for today. And when he had managed to sleep, he had dreamed about the past, about how he used to hang out with Seonghwa.
He unplugged his phone and looked at the screen. It said 9:04, he groaned, wiping the still present sleep from him eyes. It was early but turned out he once again missed a bunch of notifications.
ATEEZ
Yunho
Guys anyone want a ride later?
Yeosang
Me and Jongho are going to walk there
Wooyoung
Me and Sannie are getting picked up by Hongjoong
San
Does he know about it?
Wooyoung
He will when he wakes up
Joongie can't handle alcohol either way
Yunho
LMAO
Okay, my offer still stands if anyone changes their minds
Me and princess are just getting ready to leave Seoul
[Sent a photo]
Mingi
Yunho-ya why are you sending my pictures all the time
Yeosang
Please don't stop that’s hilarious
Seonghwa
I could actually use the ride
Yunho
I'll text you when we will be close then
Hongjoong
I'm doing what?
Wooyoung
Picking me and Sannie up
Hongjoong
And I agreed when?
Wooyoung
Oh come on you love driving and you would drink two beers max
Hongjoong
Excuse me?
Jongho
He's not wrong lol
Hongjoong
Fine.
Wooyoung
YAAAYY
Mingi
How does it work that you always get what you want?
Wooyoung
Everyone just loves me
Yeosang
He's just a menace
Hongjoong could really use a drink or two today, but Wooyoung was right, he wasn't good at handling alcohol. On the other hand, maybe it will save him from acting like a fool or saying something that would make things between him and Seonghwa even more awkward. And he really did love to drive.
He got up to take a shower. He stepped into the shower, turned the water on and stayed still with closed eyes for a while. The cold water hitting his body felt refreshing, taking away the last parts of sleep. He slicked his hair back and sighed slowly. How can I face him?
✧✧✧
When it was time to get ready, or rather, it was more the time to leave, but Hongjoong procrastinated getting ready by doing any unnecessary task he found, thinking that somehow it would postpone the inevitable. Meeting Park Seonghwa and others, of course.
The outing was casual, so that was what he wanted for his outfit too. Nothing fancy but still cool looking. Definitely not to show himself from his best side to anyone.
He chose dark flared jeans, for the bottoms, his favourite ones. A plain white shirt for the top, but to layer it he put on a shiny black cardigan. A bit classy but not over the top.
Before leaving, he took a last sip of his energy drink and tossed the can away. The amount of caffeine he consumed was worrisome, but not something he hadn't done before.
A quick look around the apartment and he left.
His car was parked right in the parking lot in front of his building. A silver Toyota, not a fancy one, but it was still a decent car. He sometimes looked for other, newer cars, but he was so emotionally attached to this one and didn't feel like changing it.
The engine turned on with some metallic clattering, settling into a low hum. He put the gearbox into reverse and smoothly drove out of a parking spot.
Without looking at navigation, he directed himself to Wooyoung's house. The road was engraved in his brain for a long time, with how many times he had been there.
The drive was peaceful, his favourite playlist playing on the radio, and he nearly forgot where he was heading. Until Wooyoung and San entered the car.
It was like a snap back to reality. He started to panic slightly. Hongjoong couldn't let it be known to everyone he was nervous because, then he would need to explain why and that was out of question.
"Hi Joongie! Have you missed me?" Wooyoung asked, excitement all over his person.
"I saw you yesterday." He rolled his eyes, but still smiled. "Hi, San long time no see."
"Hi, hyung it's so nice to finally see you again."
"So you're just going to ignore me?" Wooyoung pouted.
"You talk with both of us daily. Let me and San catch up."
"Fine."
The ride was filled with laughter, stories about San's experiences during travelling, reminiscing the old times and music playing somewhere in the background.
Hongjoong felt a wave of nostalgia hit him. He really missed hanging out as a group, and only now has he realised how much.
How Wooyoung would barge into any conversation and make everyone smile. How Jongho would act the most mature even if he was the youngest. How Yeosang would always listen to everyone and notice everything, even if he wasn’t engaging much in conversations. How Mingi would pretend to act tough, even if he was the most soft-hearted person. How San would always make sure everyone was included. How Yunho would always find a way to entertain the whole group and be there for anyone who needed him.
How Seonghwa was caring for everyone, making sure they were alright, both academically and emotionally.
Hongjoong adored that about him; Seonghwa was so selfless.
They arrived in a couple of minutes, it was past 6 p.m., but they hoped no one would mind. The smell from the bbq place could be noticed from afar. Hongjoong felt his mouth watering at just the thought of the meat they would be grilling in a second.
They went inside and immediately noticed everyone was already at the table.
The first thing Hongjoong noticed was that Seonghwa's hair was white as snow. A year earlier, it was raven black, and even on the Instagram post from two weeks ago, it was too, so it came as a huge shock. Surprisingly, the colour was a perfect match for him. Still with the shoulder-length, styled into small curls, and the yellow shade light falling on them, made him look like an angel.
He tried hard not to stare, but it was hard. Especially with the outfit the older chose. A thin, cream sweater with a low v-shaped neckline was exposing his collarbones fully. The pants had a brown colour, but that was all he could say about them since Seonghwa was already seated.
Is he wearing make-up? It came as a shock. Hongjoong didn't mind it. It just wasn't an everyday sight. Guys weren't supposed to be wearing make-up, that was what society believed in, but when it was Seonghwa, it looked natural, like there wasn't anything out of the ordinary.
Hongjoong wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but Seonghwa didn’t look happy. Not quite sad either, but like he wasn’t really here.
“They're here!” Yunho exclaimed, and everyone’s eyes drifted up to look in their direction.
The first person Hongjoong made eye contact with was none other than Seonghwa. He quickly looked away, too embarrassed. Everyone looked similar to the images he remembered from their last meeting. Maybe they looked a bit more mature.
“Hi, everyone!” Wooyoung nearly screamed and ran to hug every person at the table.
The table was in a corner of the restaurant. On the one side was a long sofa-like seat, and on the other were four chairs. All of them were already occupied. And to Hongjoong’s luck, the person on the sofa was Seonghwa. He needed to sit on the opposite side, or he wouldn’t last long here.
He slowed his steps on purpose, making sure San and Wooyoung would sit in the middle and he would get the other end. But thanks to his wonderful friend Wooyoung, he did not succeed.
“Hongjoong-ah, go sit next to Seonghwa so I can sit between you and San.”
“Sure”, he said it with the best fake smile he could manage, but in reality all he wanted was to bury himself deep underground.
He walked over to the other side of the sofa and slid in. It took a couple of awkward-looking shifts, and he found himself dangerously close to Seonghwa. It was starting to get hard to breathe for some reason.
“Um, hi.” Hongjoong said in a small voice. It was so awkward that he wondered if their friends could see that.
“Hi,” it was short and emotionless.
It shouldn’t, but it hurt. Hongjoong swallowed hard, looking for any kind of distraction.
Wooyoung and San joined them on the sofa. “Did you order food already?”
“No, only the drinks.” Yeosang answered and took a sip of his drink. It looked like it was a tequila sunrise. Others had a variety of drinks too. What shocked Hongjoong was that Songhwa’s was nearly empty.
“We were waiting for you to order, since we couldn’t decide how much we wanted.” Jongho clarified.
They went back and forth, arguing about how much they were going to eat. Finally, Jongho said that they could always order more later if they ran out. It was a smart move, and everyone agreed, as always.
The waitress came over, and Yunho told her their whole order. When he was finished, San and Wooyoung ordered drinks and a coke for Hongjoong.
“Anything else?” She asked politely.
“Another strawberry mojito for me, please.” To everyone’s shock, said Seonghwa.
Hongjoong turned his gaze to the glass, and it was now empty. That was definitely fast. No one said a thing though, that was the purpose of the outing. Drinking with friends, and it was only the second one.
The waitress smiled at Seonghwa and wrote it down. “Drinks will be out in a second.” She said and went back to the counter.
Wooyoung leaned forward over the table, looking at Seonghwa. “Oh, Hwa you’re going strong today, I see. Did you see the smile this girl gave you? I bet you caught her eye. You should ask for her number.”
Hongjoong hated every second of sitting between Seonghwa and Wooyoung. Why did he need to be in the middle of this? He would much rather be at home struggling to write a new song.
“I think you’re imagining things.” Seonghwa answered, but his voice had a weird tone Hongjoong couldn’t quite decipher.
“I’m for real, she definitely likes you.”
“Okay, Woo stop, see how Seonghwa got all shy because of you?” Yeosang noticed.
Hongjoong internally thanked him. Even if he wasn’t part of the conversation, sitting between your crush and your friend talking about a girl wasn’t exactly comfortable.
Yunho took the lead in the conversation with Wooyoung, commenting on everything he was saying. From school, through life in Seoul, to the new friends they made on the way. It felt like the old times. For a second, Hongjoong even forgot that he was sitting next to Seonghwa.
The waitress brought the drinks and the food, placing everything carefully on the table. “Enjoy your meal!”
“Look, Hwa. Only your drink has this little cute heart-shaped drink ornament. I was right.” Wooyoung said with a huge grin.
“You’re reading too much into it. She’s just doing her job.” Seonghwa sounded like he would much rather talk about anything else.
So Hongjoong mustered up the courage to change the topic. “Woo, if you’re so into others’ love lives, when was the last time you tried talking with someone?” The question hung in the air. It was clearly unexpected, and Hongjoong instantly felt his face heat up in seconds. Now that he was thinking about it. It might have sounded like he was jealous.
Well, he actually was, but showing it was not on his list for today.
“Um- Well- I-” He stuttered at every single word, and Hongjoong felt bad. It was never his intention to put Wooyoung in an uncomfortable position, but his mouth worked faster than his brain.
“Guys, enough about that let’s enjoy our bbq.” Mingi stopped the awkwardness in the air.
After that, it was peaceful. The conversation split into groups, sometimes merging together on more important or more interesting topics.
Hongjoong took on the role of managing the grill and distributing the pieces of meat to everyone. He really enjoyed it, and it gave him a reason not to engage so much in conversation.
Another rounds of drinks were ordered. Every time the waitress was near the table, Wooyoung would send a knowing look to Seonghwa, and the older would just shake his head disapprovingly.
Everyone was getting visibly tipsy. Rose colour visible on the cheeks, conversation becoming messier, and more laughter audible. In that moment, Hongjoong felt like he didn’t regret coming here. He was happy to be there. Just sitting with his friends and having a good time. In the back of his mind, it was still there that he should talk with Seonghwa, his presence near him felt heavy with unsaid things hanging in between, but he didn’t want to ruin the mood for the rest by bringing up feelings that weren’t supposed to be there in the first place.
“Can I get you something else?” Their waitress came over to check on them.
“My friend would love to get your number.” Wooyoung answered, pointing at Seonghwa, overly proud of himself.
“Wooyoung, stop”, he hissed.
“I can’t, I’m sorry.” She looked both flattered and uncomfortable.
“Oh, that’s a shame. Another round of drinks then, thanks.”
“Don’t do that again.” Seonghwa said through gritted teeth when the waitress walked away.
“Sorry, I just wanted to help you. Oh! You don’t have anyone, do you?
“We just went out on a couple of dates it’s nothing serious.” He said it so casually that Hongjoong nearly missed it. In that moment, he felt like he would just melt into the sofa. He could really use a drink or two, or ten now.
“Oh my god! I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay, but don’t do that anymore. I didn’t want to talk about it since it’s pretty early.”
Drinks arrived, conversation flowed. After the small argument, the atmosphere got lighter without any things left unsaid. The food was now fully gone. They were all full, drunk or tipsy, except Hongjoong, of course. Yunho was supposed to stay sober too, but after a second round of drinks, he caved in. He said that they would just all walk home.
Hongjoong noticed Seonghwa was fidgeting with his sleeve under the table. He frowned a little, remembering that he used to do that when he was stressed. He turned his head and in the lowest voice possible, he asked. “Is everything alright?”
Seonghwa didn’t answer, but Hongjoong was sure he heard him since he stopped playing with his sleeve. He wasn’t going to push when the older clearly didn’t want to talk, he just wondered what had happened.
They both looked up when Mingi directed a question to Seonghwa. “By the way, how is your modelling going, hyung? Do you like it? Did you meet someone interesting in your school?”
"It's good, I'm really enjoying it. As for people there-" His voice was monotonne, like he said it a million times already, just to be over with the topic.
Hongjoong wondered if he was really enjoying modeling. His Instagram profile looked perfect, but what was the reality? He really wanted Seonghwa to be happy, because that was his dream. Or maybe it changed when they didn't talk.
Before Seonghwa could continue his answer Wooyoung joined in on the conversation. "Is the girl you're seeing also a model? Is she studying with you? How is she by the way? Do you have a picture maybe?" He said it all on one breath, words were coming out so fast it was barely understandable.
Seonghwa’s face drained of colour. He clearly didn’t expect all that questions. Everyone looked at him expecting answers, but they were only met with long silence.
After what felt like eternity for Hongjoong who wanted nothing more than just dissappear even if he wasn't the one that was questioned.
“I- Excuse me.” Seonghwa's voice trembled when he spoke.
He stood up and just started walking towards the exit.
Everyone was sharing confused glances at the abrupt departure of their friend.
"Did we say something wrong?" Wooyoung asked, shocked.
"I don't know." San answered, as shocked as the other.
"You shouldn't talk about this girl so much, it was clearly the reason." Yeosang observed.
"Maybe there's something more to this story?" Yunho wondered.
"He looked a bit down earlier, too." Jongho noticed.
"Maybe something happened, and he didn't tell us?" Mingi asked, clearly worried.
"I'll go check on him." Hongjoong said before anyone thought of going after Seonghwa. He was certain what it was about, and he needed to be the one to talk to him.
No one objected, they always got along the best as the oldest in the group, so it felt natural for him to check on Seonghwa.
Hongjoong quickly moved around the tables, trying to figure out what was the reason for Seonghwa's sudden leave.
When he reached the outside, he got scared. Seonghwa was nowhere to be seen. Where could he possibly go?
Thinking of every possible place in the area, but nothing came to his mind. They were on the outskirts of the city. He couldn't be far, he didn't have a car.
He stated walking in the direction of the city, hoping he could maybe catch up to Seonghwa.
After a few minutes, he stared to lose hope. It was close to midnight, the streets were empty, so there was no way he would miss him walking around. Until he noticed a figure sitting at the curb.
He got closer, but tried to be careful in case it wasn't his friend. Fortunately, from up close, he saw the white hair, it was undeniably Seonghwa.
It was a sad sight. He was sitting with his legs close to his chest, wrapped securely with his arms, burying his face in his knees.
"Hey, Seonghwa, what's wrong?" His words were full of worry and care.
Seonghwa didn't move a bit. Hongjoong tried coming closer, but when he reached out to touch the older's shoulder, his hand was smacked away before it could reach him.
"Don't touch me!" He exclaimed.
"Seonghwa... it's me."
"I know."
"Then why?" Hongjoong was confused.
"I had enough already. Leave me alone."
"I'm not going to leave you here alone."
Seonghwa laughed, but it was dry. "Funny you're saying that like you didn't leave me all those months ago."
"I-", he stared, but the words didn't come out. Memories started flowing back, and he could feel his eyes sting a little.
"Oh, save me the explanations. I don't want to hear it anymore."
"But-"
Seonghwa cut him off. "I thought we were friends." Emphasising the last word in a way that made Hongjoong sick. "You said we wouldn't lose contact. That we would stay friends, even if I wanted it to be more..." The last part was so quiet that Hongjoong thought he imagined it.
"What did you just say?" He desperately wanted it to be true, he needed it to be true.
"What do you want to hear, hm?"
"How do you feel about me? How do you really feel about?" The question sounded so serious it shocked Hongjoong himself, but he needed to know, he so desperately wanted it, yet was deadly scared at the same time.
Seonghwa let out a humourless laugh. Hongjoong could see the rage mixed with sadness in his eyes. They were glassy, likely thanks to the alcohol and all the emotions.
"So you can laugh at me? Hongjoong, please stop pretending that you didn't know I was in love with you this whole time."
"Was?"
"Yeah, I got over that stupid crush. There was no way you could ever reciprocate my feelings."
The silence was deafening. Hongjoong was stunned by the words he had just heard. Seonghwa was in love with him? Was. And he had no idea.
"I do love you. I always did, but..." He said it barely audibly, but Seonghwa still managed to catch it.
"Oh, don't joke now. I've had enough of mockery for one day." Seonghwa was clearly pissed. He sent Hongjoong a look full of fury laced with disappointment and started walking away.
"But- but you are a guy... and that wasn't right." Those words made him stop in his tracks, but he didn't turn back.
"It's love Hongjoong, there's no right and wrong, it just is."
There was a pause. Hongjoong took a deep breath and took a step closer.
"You're right."
Seonghwa's eyes widened, he wasn't expecting the younger to admit he was wrong, but he didn't respond, so Hongjoong continued.
"Now I know that, but I realised it too late. You had already moved, and I stayed here. I always wondered if we could work out if I wasn't a coward. If I wasn't so afraid of others' glances and comments. If I wasn't so afraid of losing you as a friend. If I wasn't so afraid of my own feelings for you."
"You lost me anyway." The words were sharp and cold. But Seonghwa had every right to blame him.
"I know, and I've never forgiven myself for that."
Seonghwa's eyes became more glassy, and the cold breeze was suddenly more noticeable. He shivered uncontrollably but stayed still in place, wanting to hear what else Hongjoong had to say.
"When we were saying our goodbyes, I was ready to confess, but you seemed so happy for your new chapter in life. I didn't have a heart to ruin that."
Only the sound of rarely passing cars was cutting the silence that now stretched between them. When it looked like the younger wouldn't continue, Seonghwa finally turned. He was trying to keep his face as neutral as he could in his current state. The number of drinks he had was catching up to him, and he felt like he could break down any second.
"I was putting on a brave face. I was trying to convince myself that it would be better if I were away from you. That it was the only way to keep you out of my mind, and it worked."
"Oh...", It was like a punch to his gut. He felt like all the words suddenly got stuck in his throat.
"I met someone, a girl. I wanted to be normal. I desperately sought acceptance. I wanted to fit in."
He paused like he was hesitating whether to say it or not, but only for a second before continuing.
"We went out on a couple of dates. She is really sweet, but..."
Every word was like a dagger buried deeper and deeper. Hongjoong felt like he was about to throw up. How could he have been so blind all this time? He lowered his head, focusing his eyes on a random rock. He couldn't bear to look Seonghwa in the eyes now.
"But that wasn't it. She wasn't it. Because it was always you. Only you. I hate myself for being so attached."
"Seonghwa... I'm sorry" Hongjoong sounded defeated, he couldn't find any other words besides those. What else was he supposed to say when the guy he had a crush on for years was saying he had a crush on him too?
"For what?" His voice was strained and emotionless.
"For not standing up, for not trying harder, for abandoning our friendship, for hiding my feelings like a coward."
He paused and raised his head to meet Seonghwa's gaze before continuing.
"I thought the same thing. I wanted to be normal. To not be in love that is shamed by society, but I can't just pretend I don't feel anything for you, even now." The last part was barely above a whisper, but it was enough.
"You... you still have feelings for me?"
The question hung between them. Hongjoong already said that he did, but Seonghwa thought he was joking. Now it was different. Now it felt more real. He braced himself before starting.
"I do. I love you Seonghwa. I never stopped loving you, but only now I have the courage to say it out loud."
"Prove it." Seonghwa's expression was serious now, his eyes not leaving Hongjoong for even a second.
"How?" He asked, confused.
"Kiss me. Kiss me right now."
It came to him as a shock. He always wished to kiss Seonghwa, but they were in the middle of the street. What if someone saw them?
Sensing the hesitation in the other, Seonghwa added as if he could read his thoughts exactly. "If you really mean it, you wouldn't care if someone sees us."
Seonghwa's gaze was firmly focused on Hongjoong, waiting for him to make a move. To do something, anything.
Hongjoong hesitated, but only for a moment. He closed the distance between them with two steps. They were now standing face to face. Just inches apart.
Only the sound of their breaths could be heard. The whole world around them was quiet, already asleep. Just the two of them in their own bubble.
Hongjoong brought his hands up to cup Seonghwa's cheeks. They were red from the night's cold air, alcohol still circulating in his body, but most likely from the situation they found themselves in.
They stared into each other's eyes for a while, and Hongjoong stared leaning in. Slowly, giving Seonghwa a chance to pull away if he wanted. He didn't, and after a second their lips met.
Hongjoong's heart raced so fast he was sure it was hearable to the other. This was something he always dreamed of doing. To taste those soft pink lips.
And they tasted even better than he had imagined. Slightly cold and chips from the cold, yet still sweet as honey. Most likely a cause of a lipstick.
The kiss was awkward at first, Hongjoong had none prior experience, but he couldn't tell that to Seonghwa, when it was his only chance to prove he was serious.
They were slowly figuring out their rhythm, their lips meeting gently. Breaths mingling somewhere in the middle.
Hongjoong felt Seonghwa's hands wrapping around his neck. Nearly causing his heart to jump out of his chest.
It felt intimate in so many ways. Kissing your crush and your best friend after reuniting, under the night sky full of stars, in the middle of nowhere.
They exchanged small kisses until Seonghwa took the initiative, licking Hongjoong's bottom lip. It took him off guard, and before he could stop it, a barely audible groan escaped him. The older didn't comment, he greedily swallowed it, but couldn't help but smile into the kiss.
He broke the kiss for a second. "Kim Hongjoong, I didn't expect you to be enjoying kissing me so much." Seonghwa teased.
If Hongjoong wasn't already red as a tomato, he would become even more so after that comment. "Oh, shut up. Wait till I tell you that you're my first kiss." He didn't give Seonghwa a chance to respond by pulling him in once more.
Before he closed his eyes, he saw the shock turning into understanding on Seonghwa's face. Hongjoong could swear he took it as a sign to take the lead fully, because once again he felt a warm tongue on his bottom lip, asking for permission to enter.
Hongjoong couldn't refuse when it was Seonghwa. He parted his lips, and older didn't waste any time before finding Hongjoong's tongue.
The kiss got more heated. Hongjoong felt Seonghwa's hands in his hair tightening. It became messy, but none of them cared.
They pulled away after a while, but stayed close. Their foreheads touching. Both of them slightly out of breath.
"I love you too. I thought I stopped, but when I saw you today, everything came back, even harder than before."
Hongjoong couldn't help but smile, still cupping Seonghwa's face. He was the most gorgeous man he had ever laid eyes on, who loved him back, and he just kissed him.
"So... what does that mean for us?" He asked curiously, and Seonghwa sent him a gaze full of daggers.
"Okay, okay, sorry. Park Seonghwa, do you want to be my boyfriend?" He said, faking a serious tone.
"Wow, that sounded more like an engagement question, but yes, I would love to."
"Hopefully one day."
Seonghwa smacked his arm playfully and sealed their lips together once again.
One of Hongjoong's hands wandered downwards, stopping only when it found Seonghwa's waist, pulling him closer. The other still settled at his cheek, slowly caressing it with his thumb.
This time was different, more passionate, more sure. Desire was clearly present between the kisses, their lips finding each other again and again with soft noises in between.
They lost track of time, enjoying their presence, their touch, their lips.
Hongjoong made a step back, looking Seonghwa up and down to confirm that it really was him. One look was enough. He would never forget that face, even when his hair was the complete opposite of the colour it had been a year ago. The eyes, the lips, and the nose stayed the same.
He smiled and said. "Let's go?"
"Where are we going?"
"Home."
"You mean your small apartment?" Seonghwa chuckled, covering his mouth with his hand.
"Yes, very funny." Hongjoong extended his hand to the other, and Seonghwa eagerly accepted.
"Aren't we going back to the rest?"
Hongjoong raised an eyebrow, "Do you want to?"
"Now that I think about it, not necessarily." They both laughed.
"We have a lot of catching up to do, and I bet Woo will organise another outing like that."
Hongjoong sent a quick message to the group chat, letting the rest know that Seonghwa was just feeling a bit sick and that he was taking him home.
It wasn't really the truth, but at least they wouldn't worry about them.
In reality, they took their time walking back to the city, hand in hand, shoulders constantly touching. Talking about everything that happened in the past year between the summers.
It felt like they had never been apart.
✧✧✧
When the conversations were dying down and only empty glasses and plates remained on the table, it was obvious Seonghwa and Hongjoong weren’t coming back. Even after their message, there was a faint hope that they would come back. The rest still had an amazing time, it was so nice to meet up with everyone after such a long time.
Wooyoung leaned in to San so the others wouldn’t overhear. They were too invested in the conversation about Mingi’s living habits either way, but Wooyoung wanted to be sure.
“Do you think it worked?” He asked with a grin.
San looked around and leaned in as well. “It must have if they aren't back.” Mirroring the younger’s grinning face.
“Ugh, finally. It was so painful watching them orbit each other for so long. And they were so obvious it was crazy that they didn’t see it.”
“Literally, I’m glad we did it.” San agreed.
“Do you think they know it was all a set-up?” A small giggle escaped him, and he tried hiding his face in the crook of San’s neck, but he stopped himself.
“There’s no way. Do you think that if they didn’t notice they both had huge crushes on each other, they noticed that we were slightly manipulating the situation?”
“You're right. Hongjoong still thinks we’re just good friends, Sannie.” Wooyoung found the other's hand under the table and laced their fingers together.
“So who is our next target?”
Wooyoung looked around the table and back at San. “I think Yunho and Mingi. They literally live together, and he's calling him princess.”
San laughed at the comment. “True, and I bet it will be easier than with Seonghwa and Hongjoong.”
They smiled at each other and joined the conversation with the rest of the group.
The End