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Taesan's eyelids crack open bit by bit, being awoken in annoyance of the buzzing white noise on his nightstand.
"Who is it, baby?" Jaehyun's voice was strained, still asleep on the other edge of the bed. Leehan's arm raises to the nightstand, hand scurrying around for his phone — finally getting a hold of it, Taesan flips it upward, the contact name reading 'DO NOT ANSWER'.
"No one." Taesan muttered, panic arising in his voice. As soon as his eyes glided reading that contact name, he was shot fully awake, heart palpitating. 'It's 1:30 AM for sakes, what does he want?' Taesan's words silently echoing in his mind. He was rushing with thoughts, whether to contradict the own name he set himself, or to fall back asleep in the arms of whom he 'loved'.
"Love?" Taesan calls out. He dragged his body up, phone still in his hands, the glow of the unanswered ongoing phone call reflecting onto Taesan's cracking expression. The bedroom fell into a still silence. Taesan's feet slip to the floor, the cold wooden planks trapping him instantly. Taesan stood up, running his fingers through his hair as he treaded carefully with his steps to leave the bedroom.
He turned the doorknob, pushing the door open and stepping out, the bathroom to his left in the narrow hallway that lead to the kitchen in front. Taesan glanced down at his phone, the ringing stopping for only a brief second before going at it again. He closed the door of the bedroom, shuffling his feet to the kitchen. He set down his phone face up on the white marble countertop softly, switching on the lights of the kitchen before heading over to the cabinet to pull out a wine glass — the metal hinges of the cabinet creaking so silently yet loud.
Taesan slid the wine glass on the same countertop, the pace stopping perfectly at his phone. The fridge door opened, breezing out a freezing temperature in the humid air of the kitchen. Taesan bent down, squinting his eyes as he scanned them to look for the wine bottle — grabbing it as soon as he found it.
He turned back to the countertop, clearing his throat before picking back up his phone, sliding the phone's pick up button with his thumb before pressing the phone against his ear. He opened the cork of the wine bottle with his teeth and spat it out, pouring the wine gently into the glass he put out in front of him, a voice interrupting his moment.
"You picked up." The voice was practically cooing, words slurred subtly yet obvious to anyone who actually knew the other end.
"I did." Taesan set the bottle down, resting his palm down on the cold countertop, listening too deeply into the white noise from the other end, the occasional sniffles, the faint music, too faint.
"Where are you, Leehan?" Taesan's voice was careful, gentle, something you'd only hear at the end of the day as reassurance.
"Taesanie.." Leehan's voice trembled, as if walking on eggshells.
"Where?" Taesan demanded this time.
"I'm at Woonhak's." Leehan choked out, cracking slightly. Taesan pulled the phone away from his ear, looking at the contact name on his phone. Soon after hesitating, he hung up the call, setting down his phone for a brief moment before picking up the wine glass — swirling it around, watching the liquid clump together, splashing against the curved walls. He could feel his heart pounding now, he glanced over to the closed bedroom door, the hallway that was deafening with silence, a pang of guilt consuming his veins completely. Taesan took the wine glass to his mouth and threw his head back, letting the liquid slide down his throat, closing his eyes as the sting of the alcohol hit him.
Taesan parked at the side-walk, the lobby of a high-end apartment building to his left, the lights blinding. He pulled out his phone, heading straight to the chat box with the supposed restricted contact. His eyes read the previous chat messages, full of misunderstandings, back and forth terrible communication, and horrible excuses of begging. His fingers hovered over the keyboard, unsure of what to actually write, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to or should be here. But before he could type what he had out, a bubble slid up.
"Are you here?"
Taesan's jaw clenched, either it was the wine that was blurring his vision, or the tears that were welling his eyes.
"Yeah. Come outside."
"Okay."
Taesan's head twitched to the left, watching Leehan walk so drowsily to his car from the lobby — the red-blush at the tip of his nose, soft pink blush blotched onto his cheeks going up to his ears, blonde hair so roughed up yet delicate and preserved. Leehan wore a thick brown scarf around his neck, the same scarf that Taesan gave him as one of his Christmas gifts because he heard Leehan complain once that he was cold, it was paired with a grey coat, the hem hovering slightly over his hips of the black jeans he wore, unbuttoned and revealing a off-white tee. Taesan watched Leehan stumble slightly on his own steps. He stretched over to the passenger seat, opening the door once he approached closer, falling back into his seat after.
Leehan slid in, setting himself down so roughly. Leehan stared into the dashboard, leaving the door hanging open. "You kept it." Leehan mumbled out under his breath.
"Close the door." Taesan stared straight ahead into the road. The door shut them in, trapping only silence and the hum of the AC between them. Taesan finally glanced over to Leehan — who stared motionlessly into the dashboard, eyes fixated on the sticker that was practically fighting its life to hang on. Taesan pulled apart Leehan's features, the side profile he would wake up to every morning when he rolled over, the earrings he took part in choosing, messy hair that he used to run his fingers through when it was movie night. Taesan was so caught in admiring the man he let go, the man he forced himself to hate, the man who was supposed to be his.
Taesan threw his eyes back to the road, pressing his lips into a thin line as he fidgeted with the leather of the wheel. His heart fell to his stomach, he hadn't seen Leehan, no, he's been avoiding Leehan for so long he forgot what being in the presence of a beauty so overwhelming did to him — it crushed him, buried him with an overflowing need to give him whatever he wanted, to obey him just to see a smile.
"Are you hungry?" Taesan coughed out. Leehan's head jolted to Taesan, his eyelids splattering red as slight teardrops would come to. Leehan's fingers fidgeted with the scarf, the warm fuzzy feeling giving him what their relationship couldn't.
"A bit."
The car moved almost instantly, a reoccurring annoying beep coming through as Leehan hadn't even processed to pull over the seatbelt. The car drove on, neither both of them knew where they were going, all Taesan knew was the road was familiar enough to follow. The car headed into a tunnel, white and yellow lights flashing into the car — carefully, Taesan peeked over to Leehan, he could see his hair absorbing the lights that exposed his ingrown roots, the veins of his neck accentuating as he leaned his head on to the window.
"You should bleach again."
"I don't know how to do it on my own." Leehan's voice was cracking, a gaze so lost in the views outside. Taesan looked back ahead at the road, the laughs of Taesan first messing up when he offered to help Leehan bleach it ringing in his mind as a reminder of what he stopped hearing every day. Taesan loved Leehan's hair blonde, he never forced him to keep it blonde, he just did, willingly. Maybe it was because if he kept it blonde, he had an excuse to spend an hour between Taesan's legs, had an excuse for Taesan to play with his hair as they watched Netflix, even though Leehan never paid attention to the movie. Maybe it was because if he kept it blonde, Taesan wouldn't ever find another who looked this good in blonde.
The car came to a stop at a run-down 24/7 restaurant. Taesan shut the engine off, the white noise from the AC splitting into complete silence. His thumb pressed into the seatbelt, the belt springing upwards into its original position. He shoved the car keys into his pocket, ready to get out, until he felt a hand latch onto his arm. Taesan turned over his shoulder, Leehan's eyes were pouring, his mellow cheeks damp as the tears kept flowing, hitting the console of the car that separated both seats from each other.
Taesan leaned back onto his seat, Leehan's hand still gripping onto his arm, a grip so unwilling and harsh to let go, red imprints already showing up. Taesan stared into Leehan's eyes, his adam's apple bobbing, heart fluttering yet stomach twisting. The tip of his nose grew even more red than before, his eye bags swelling up, tears non-stop.
"Leehan?" His tone was careful, scared. Leehan's fingers finally leave Taesan's arm, raising it up to his eyes to rub it, quiet yet loud sobs releasing from his chest, constant sniffles. His shoulders shuddered, eyes hiding behind his hands.
"What's wrong? Leehan?" Taesan pleaded, reaching out his hands to hold Leehan — stopping midway when he realises that isn't his place anymore. But as he looked more at how Leehan wouldn't stop crying, how much more the sobs got quieter as if they were trying to hide, his arms acted before his head could think rationally; pulling Leehan into his chest, caressing his head as Leehan sobbed into his shoulder.
"It's okay, I'm…" Taesan paused midway, what could he actually say to make the whole thing better? Especially when it was him who was most likely the subject of him crying. He could feel his heart reverting back into familiar ways, familiar words. "It's okay, my love." Taesan felt Leehan's shoulders calm down, his sobs getting softer. "I'm here, I won't ever leave." He knew it was a lie, and he knew Leehan knew it was a lie too, but saying those words, saying those words as if he could keep them, rolling it out as if it was something he'd been meaning to say, as if it was a sentence that held itself for ages — it all felt so meaningful, truthful, sincere.
Leehan pulled away, his swollen eyes fluttering into Taesan's. Leehan smiled, it met his eyes yet it was so devoid of genuine joy, a smile that was being planted just to leave. Taesan's hand reached out for Leehan's cheek, his palm lines melting Leehan completely, the recognisable lines of something he tried to read in the late night when they stayed up just hours pass their needed sleep schedule because they missed each other the entire day. Taesan's thumb swiped Leehan's cheek, the face he used to hold every waking hour of his life. Leehan's fingers wrapped around his wrist, holding it up despite Taesan not needing it. Leehan pulled Taesan closer as he leaned in, Taesan's hands slipping to the back of his neck as Leehan removed his fingers to place it onto Taesan's pecs, rubbing it up to his shoulder.
Leehan tilted his head, Taesan following, completely mesmerised. Leehan's lips got closer in, the gap between them minimizing. His lips gaped open as he got closer, the two closing their eyes deeply.
"Leehan." Taesan's voice whispered. Leehan closed the gap in between them, lost in the tangle of their tongues together, something that hasn't been felt in ages, making it more fragile, something to keep worth while, maybe even something that should've never left in the first place. Their touches were so prominent, so easy to head where they both liked — Taesan's hands stroking up and down Leehan's waist, Leehan's fingers grip so deep on his neck. It was something that couldn't been given to them by anyone else, something that only they knew, only they waited for. Leehan pulled away briefly, Taesan trying to lean in for more only for Leehan to retract.
"I love you." Leehan breathed out, saying it so easily as if he hadn't been avoiding saying it to Woonhak.
"I…" Before Taesan could reciprocate, Leehan shoved himself back into the kiss, not wanting to hear another lie for the night. The pace was perfect, the two in sync with each other, consuming each other whole, it was slow, careful, preserving the moment, but passionate, delicate like it was the first time. Only when the air seemed to still down did they pull away reluctantly — but even then, it was obvious they wanted it back, even more so, they wanted each other back. Taesan let go of his hold on Leehan, turning his back to head out the car. Taesan opened the car door, shutting it softly after he got out. Leehan sat quietly, thumb caressing his soft lips, a smile lifting.
Leehan heard the door open from behind him, flinching around, only to see Taesan holding his hand out. Leehan placed his hand in his, slipping out of the car. Taesan interlocked their fingers together, taking a step towards the restaurant only to be pulled back.
"Taesan." Leehan called hurriedly, looking up at Taesan with those doe eyes you couldn't say no to. "Be mine," Taesan's shoulders tensed up at these words, both of them knew the position they were in, both of them knew that it was wrong to be here in the first place. "Just for tonight." Leehan continued, stepping closer to Taesan, taking in his distinct rich scent from his clothes, noticing it as the detergent Leehan recommended to him. Leehan dug his head into Taesan chest.
"I never stopped being yours." Taesan knew it was what Leehan needed to hear, maybe it was also what he needed to say. Even after breaking up, they always found each other's eyes in a crowd, they always ended up saying the first syllable of each other's name when they were speaking to their supposed lovers, every moment they spent with someone different was a moment they only saw as passing the time, waiting for the other to run back, practicing on leaving their replacements not even a second after.
"He's not you." Taesan slipped his fingers out of Leehan's, wrapping his arms around him. "I don't know how to find another you." Taesan's voice trembled. "I don't know if I want another you."
Leehan turned his head to the side, his cheek and ear against his chest, a heart pounding so loud. "Do you love him?" Leehan cried out, unsure of if he even wanted to hear the answer.
"I can't love him as much as I love you," Taesan's voice shivered, the truth stinging his throat as it came out. "I won't." Taesan kissed the top of Leehan's head. It was clear that Taesan and Leehan were just with rebounds — even Jaehyun and Woonhak knew this, it had gotten so bad that Sungho and Riwoo protested both relationships entirely, yelling out the obvious, trying to clock in the self respect that was nowhere to be found in Jaehyun and Woonhak.
Despite it all, Jaehyun stood beside Taesan, stupidly believing that the love Taesan had for him was genuine, real. Every time Taesan would shut out coldly, he accepted it as needing space, embracing the warmth that felt so artificial after he was done with his 'space'.
This wasn't the case for Woonhak — every night he would let anxiety consume him, constantly asking for reassurance from Leehan, but he was no better than Jaehyun as he believed the reassurance that rolled out of Leehan's mouth so softly and gentle was sincere, but in Leehan's eyes, it was just him comforting Taesan.
"I thought I loved Woonhak." Leehan muttered out. "But it was always you in the back of my head."
Taesan laughed, it was so wrong, but that kind of love feels the most right in the worst ways — how they felt so deeply for each other, how their hearts always ended up finding each other despite forcing their presence somewhere else, it was the most sincere reassurance between the two, but also the most toxic. They knew they'd always be tied together by this horrible disgusting string, so when Taesan was the first to announce his relationship with Jaehyun — Leehan panicked, he sought out Woonhak and caved in from vulnerability, cried into him, it became such a routine that he mistook it for love. He convinced himself that Woonhak treated him better, that he was better, and he was, but he just wasn't Taesan.
Woonhak kissed Leehan so passionately, so devoted, but Taesan's tongue was harder, faster, he knew how harsh Leehan liked it, he also knew when to go softer. He knew how far his hands could go before he had Leehan begging for it, pleading even. Woonhak's tease was awfully soft, afraid to leave imprints on him, only Taesan actually wanted to mark him, only Taesan wanted to see the love bites he left the night before blotching purple-red in the morning rays on his neck.
Jaehyun was good at everything, better than Leehan if you had to compare, but when it came down to it all, Jaehyun's scent was never as rosy as Leehan, Jaehyun's skin was never as soft and smooth when he caressed his cheek, Jaehyun never had the eyes that he could drown in completely, he never had the voice that sent him into a state so needy by just whispering into his ear.
Jaehyun could never be Leehan,
And Woonhak could never be Taesan.
The restaurant was quiet, the radio filling in the noise from the speakers. Taesan and Leehan walked in hand-in-hand, a waiter rushing over to seat them despite only two tables being occupied out of what seemed like twenty.
"Oh! You guys are back." The waiter exclaimed as the recognition of their faces hit him. It was a restaurant that Taesan and Leehan would usually dine in, it became such a late night habit between the two, a regular. "Honestly, me and some staff were wondering if you had broken up." The waiter laughed off, "But anyway, take a table, I'll be right with you."
Taesan searched around, pulling Leehan to a booth by the window. Leehan sat across Taesan like the 100 times before this, lying his hands onto the table, waiting for Taesan's hand to come back to hold his. Taesan looked at Leehan's needy eyes, warmness stirring him. Taesan slid out the booth, Leehan's head and eyes following, anxiety overwhelming him, eyes darting back to Taesan and to the door.
Taesan slid in beside Leehan, beaming up as he held Leehan's hand from under the table, chuckling as he watched Leehan's anxiety wash away, their shoulders touching. The waiter came soon after, smiling at seeing their very much missed love.
"If you guys ever broke up — I think I'd give up on love." He joked, pen ready with a notepad for orders. Leehan looked up at the waiter.
"I want—"
"Two Ramyeon's." Taesan cut in. The writer wrote down their order, Leehan turning to look at Taesan in adore.
"Drinks?"
"Just green tea and lemonade."
The waiter clicked his pen and skipped off. Taesan glanced over to Leehan, planting a gentle kiss on his cheek. Ever since the break up, they refused to eat Ramyeon without the other, their lovers just thought it was outgrown taste, but the feeling of warmth while slurping up noodles could never be remade nor replaced. It was the one meal that belonged to only to the two of them.
The food came shortly after, conversations flowing between the two easily, inside jokes being brought up, the playful shoving and hitting they meant with full love, it was all so tender, the whispered promises they made to each other when the other was falling apart to always love each other fulfilling and blooming in their laughter. Loving Leehan felt like breathing, it felt so easy that he never had to doubt whether it would falter, whether it would ever leave. Taesan paid the bill, shooting a long lost smile at the receptionist as he headed out, Leehan still in his hands.
They got into the car, Taesan shuffling the playlist he made for Leehan way before, blasting it with the windows rolled down. Taesan sang his heart out, Leehan laughing at his stupidity like the night will never leave. Taesan didn't know where he was driving to, all he knew was that he just wanted the night to stretch out longer, he knew that if he dropped Leehan off, he would have to go back to Jaehyun, sleeping in the bed that would never be as warm as his love for Leehan, having to whisper 'I love you' while he closed his eyes and actually saw who he loved.
Leehan didn't want to leave either, if he did, who knows when they would have a night like this? But he does know that if Taesan asked him to stay, asked him to leave Woonhak as a whole and instead let Taesan take care of him, he would. That was what was so dangerous about tonight — it felt so easy being with him compared to being with Woonhak, it was just like muscle memory, that when they kissed, their tongues already knew how to twist with each other. That when they joked, they laughed before they took time to process it, already knowing the humor of one another was perfectly curated by each other, shaped carefully.
The laughs died down as the songs got more soothing, the air brushing Taesan's hair, one hand on the wheel while he had his other fiddling with Leehan's fingers on the console. The car came to a stop at a traffic light, Taesan using this opportunity to steal a long awaited look at Leehan, a look that he didn't have to feel guilty for, that he didn't have to shy his love from. Leehan's eyelids were shut entirely, his chest rising and falling while his head was dozing off into the window, so secure to be in the passenger seat in the dead of the night — wondering if he feels this secure around Woonhak.
Reluctantly, Taesan found a familiar path, following it all the way until he saw Leehan's apartment. The lack of motion from the car woke Leehan up, a serene groan leaving his mouth as he came to. Leehan straightened his back, looking around hazily — finally recognising where they are, he immediately awoke, pleading with Taesan with his eyes.
"No, no, please." Leehan cried out, pushing himself onto Taesan's chest. Taesan held Leehan in his arms, lips quivering.
"Leehan."
"No, no, I can't. Not yet." He muffled frantically.
"Leehan, please." Taesan pulled Leehan off despite the strong grip he had on his shirt. "It's late, you need to go back."
"I don't care, please." Leehan tried to fall back onto Taesan's chest, Taesan firmly pushing him back.
"You knew this night wouldn't last, I did too."
"But it can, it can, please just—"
"I can't take you away from him like that."
"He took you away first!" Leehan's voice shut Taesan up instantly. Leehan's head dropped, wasting no time to push out tears.
"You were mine first, so why did Jaehyun pounce at the chance to take you?" His voice trembling, "He knew I wanted you back, so why…" his sentence stretched into quiet sobs.
"You wanted me back?" Taesan gasped out. "He told me…"
"He lied! I don't care if you don't know how to communicate — I'll wait for you to, I always have. I've always worked everything out with you so why did you think we couldn't work an argument about our spark dying out?"
"But it was, we argued every day about Jaehyun being too touchy with me."
"For a reason, Taesan!" Leehan's head jolted up to stare at Taesan, his face blotched completely red, his eyes shaking as he looked into Taesan. "He wanted you, I can't stand that."
"I can't stand anyone else wanting you. I can't stand you being anyone else's. I needed you to stay," Leehan cleared his throat, "So why did you give up?"
Taesan pulled Leehan into his arms, unable to process everything.
"I didn't give up, I just…" Taesan's voice was unsteady, holding back his tears, "I was scared you'd see me how I saw myself."
"We were together for two years, do you really think I haven't loved every flaw of yours?" Leehan's voice was clearer this time, but it broke Taesan into a stream of tears. "Promise me that if I leave this car, you'll find your way back to me again."
"Leehan…"
"Promise me."
"I promise."