Chapter Text
Well, Martin had a secret he by any means could never let anyone in on.
It wasn't anything grand, it was actually quite the opposite. The secret was so small, so simple—almost fragile that now after years of constant secrecy, hiding it was so much harder. Even the revelation to his own feelings had been so easy, almost natural that he never knew he would ever be worrying about it.
It was harder not because he suddenly could not keep it within himself, but because he could not stop showing up. He could not stop as he laid himself bare in front of James— the group’s eldest member— like a prey ready to be noticed through subconscious actions and failed attempts at trying not to care too much about the other but doing a miserable job at it. It felt like second nature to him, to his body and mind.
Usually he did a good job at hiding stuff when needed, but this time he kept failing and had to accept it. He was also aware of the fact that it didn't go unnoticed by his best friend’s carefully observing eyes because it was almost impossible for Martin to not care for that one person who happened to always be around him, in his vicinity like right now, sitting right beside him with their shoulders lightly brushing each other's under millions of eyes watching them live.
He looked at the elder, maybe cause he was saying something or maybe cause he just wanted to take a good look at him and use the latter part as a reason to cover up. Either way, looking at James immediately made his eyes go soft around the edges with lips crinkling up slightly and a gaze so focused as if missing even a single word coming out of the pretty boy’s mouth would cost him a war. He’d go on one if needed. No exaggeration, his mind conveys.
Just looking at James brings back a lane of memories he keeps walking back to every now and then.
The first time he saw the elder boy was when he had just joined the company while the other had already been working on his debut. He was there at one of James' monthly evaluations and remembered how James had looked so unreachable. Even if not yet debuted, he had the kind of confidence he carried along with himself that spoke the words, ambition, goal & achievement silently. The confidence did not feel wrong because it was not about how good he was, but about how it carried a weight of ‘I can do it’ and ‘I will do it.’ Admiration. It was the first thing he felt after seeing James for the first time and it stayed with him forever.
He wanted to go talk to the boy who he just saw perform and was left in awe with. James' strong stage presence, his sharp, confident moves, his hoarse voice- basically everything, especially his features looked like he was born for this, the stage and for millions of eyes to look up to. He looked like god had taken his sweet time creating him. If God's favourite had a face, then it'd definitely be James’s. The high bridge of his nose, and perfectly defined cheekbones with a sliced jawline looking sharper than a knife, had Martin freeze on spot, exhaling heavily while staring at him in a daze. God.
And if the admiration doubled over after, then Martin kept it to himself.
He did not get to talk to the elder at that time, though. Mainly because he was dragged outta the studio right after the performance ended by his manager, saying Martin needed to meet someone important. And in that moment Martin knew that no one will ever feel as important as James did, he tugged that thought at the back of his mind right away. But he did not complain because he felt a sense of nervousness even at the thought of interacting with James. Maybe next time. Yeah, next time.
The universe surely had other plans, though, cause the next time arrived earlier than expected.
It was in the quiet of his studio when his manager asked him to tag along for dinner. He was so into his work at hand that he nearly lost track of time. He quickly left his studio and walked through the passageway when his eyes landed on the figure standing right beside his manager’s.
The latter's back faced Martin as they continued discussing something, Martin slowed on his foot and the figure took a turn right after, seemingly finished with their conversation.
“Oh, you must be Martin?”
huh? James knew my name? James knew me? Wait— James??
Martin always believed in all those clichéd stories, of time stopping, noise shutting out as you feel your breath being taken away—today, though, he got to experience it first hand.
Martin struggled with processing what was happening as he tried but failed at forming a sentence without stuttering.
“Oh, um- yeah!!”
There he goes by using an extremely high pitched tone as a mask to cover his nervousness. But James did not look like he minded it at all, in fact he liked the kid's enthusiasm. He broke into a smile, not those usually tight lipped professional smiles, but one that contained genuine softness and all that for Martin. Only if he could preserve this momen— that smile forever, he would've in a heartbeat. The sudden rush of warmth ran through every bit of his.
I'd definitely want to see this smile again and again.
It remained as a wishful thing, though, cause that was the first and last time he saw the elder smile like that.
After a quick introduction in the hallway that night they both fell into their daily routine again. James stressed and focused at his debut in hand as Martin built his face brick by brick. Working hours and hours on his lappy, mixing in beats, trying out new instruments, working under big producers and finally shaping his own name. It was a long journey and he was getting somewhere.
One night, though, exhausted from the whole week's run downs, Martin finally laid down in his bed and pulled out his phone after what felt like a year. He rarely got time to use his phone in the day, not like he cared much anyways. But at night before drifting off to sleep, he made sure to catch up with James through YouTube or Twitter postings.
Even though they were in the same company they never crossed each other's path, so this was the only way Martin could see or hear about the elder. Today was nothing different except it totally was.
As soon as Martin opened the twitter his tl betrayed him. He had to sit up straight on his bed, take a minute to process and then stare at the wall in front of him in shock. Was he seeing it right? What do they mean by disbanding? This can't be happening. They– James has worked his ass off for this opportunity, they can't—
Martin exhaled heavily. This was cruelty. He had many whys and what ifs forming up in his brain as curiosity ate him alive, but out of it all, the thought of wanting to see James screamed at him loud and clear. He cannot imagine the pain, the stress, everything the latter must be going through, he doesn't know what he would even tell the other if saw him at that moment, but he just wanted one glimpse of the elder to make sure that he was okay. That he wasn't blaming himself for whatever that was happening right now, to him— or to his team that is.
Unfortunately, all Martin could do that night was hope. Hope that the elder was okay, that everything will be okay for him, and that he can see the other at least once before– before James decides this is it, that it's done for and leav— Martin did not complete the sentence, he just could not.
—————
Time after that slowed for Martin, he lingered in the hallways on different floors for longer than intended, waiting and hoping for something, anything, but was always left with silence or a ghost of presence, nothing ever real.
He wanted to go ask his manager about it, he thought he could ask it like a passing convo, but the more he learnt the more he craved. His manager did say that James did not leave, he wasn't planning to actually—and that was all the reassurance Martin needed for the day.
As days passed by, Martin finally got to see the other, actually not just see him, but watch him. On stage, performing at his fullest and yet so effortlessly, that Martin rewatched the performance video every now and then. It must've been a good opportunity for him to work under a big artist from their company. Martin felt a sense of pride looking at James still trying his best to get back after a big setback. Martin could not even imagine himself in the other's shoes and not feel like breaking.
The other was himself an inspiration for Martin. A push for Martin to keep working hard everyday. He just never expected his hard work to be paid off like this—On a random Tuesday, with a very familiar figure standing inside the board room with him, and an announcement made which changed the whole trajectory of his life.
First, he was set to debut. Second, with none other than James! Third, there would be a few more members, but the other trainees were yet to be finalized. And believe Martin when he says he did not hear the rest of the part because his mind focused only on one thing, he'll be debuting with James. Under the same group, him and James. Fuck, did the latter even remember him? How was James feeling? Was he happy? Of course he must be.
Martin for the sake of his own self respect, did not dare to glance at the other from the corner of his eyes, he'd definitely do something embarrassing, no promises. He processed the whole situation, at least he thought he did, until James took matters in his hands and stood at his right with one hand extended for a handshake.
From where Martin sat, he finally looked up at the other, really really looked, and for the first time in the past few days, he felt confident enough. His hand met James’s with a sense of grounding, a touch meant to stay, and a slight squeeze of acknowledgement. Yes, it's real and yes, we'll get there, it conveyed.
He took in every bit of James' expression, the ease in his brows, the lazy yet genuine smile, and eyes—eyes that looked tired from walking this endless pit of struggle, with eyebags that displayed his days of sleepless nights full of dedication, and a sigh of relief that it all worked out. At the end of the day it all worked out.
And one thing Martin was sure of the night he went to sleep was that he was happy, happy that James is debuting, finally. With Martin or not, James was debuting and that was all there was to it. He smiled.
He had the best sleep of his life that night.
“—And, Martin hyung said that!” Keonho pointed at him, accusing him.
“Huh?”
Juhoon snorted and said something to save his best friend's face from day dreaming in a live where millions of people watched them. He blames James, and the full blown smile that rested at his face, with his whisker dimples on display and shit.
God, he was embarrassing himself, again.
James decided to glance at Martin right at that moment, and oh— their eyes met, just for a second, but it was everything for Martin, everything and nothing at the same time. They both looked away, breaking eye contact even before it took place. Martin felt a tinge of unease in his stomach, nervousness kicking in again. It was not always that he felt so nervous, he has had his fair share of nervous moments, but most of the time it always involved a certain someone.
Martin tried his best to ignore the lingering feeling for the rest of the live, giving himself imaginary back pats once he was successful at the self appointed task. They also started the live late so it was almost past midnight by the end of it. The tiredness that came along with long schedules made it easier to ignore all the other thoughts and feelings, so he left it for future Martin to worry about.
The second the live ended, their manager was at their side, gathering them like baby chickens and leading the way towards their car. They followed out one by one, Martin took notice of James again who was walking right in front of him busy looking at something in his phone while Martin walked behind him as usual. A soft chuckle left his mouth upon noticing their usual cycle.
The thought did not linger longer than 10 secs because his feet were already moving, pace doubled over as he reached out for the car door from across James’ right. The latter was so engrossed in his phone that he did not notice when he arrived by the car, only after feeling a motion by his side did he look up.
Martin had already pulled open the door slightly as he glanced back at James who gave him a small nod in return, shifting a foot over to let Martin open the door for him fully and then got in with practiced ease. The gesture, almost instinctual to Martin, was second nature to James. They fit like a puzzle piece in silence. If one could not stop looking out for the other, then the other let him. And by the time any of them realized it, the routine was set, an unspoken rhythm neither questioned nor acknowledged, for now that is. Because Martin's patience ticked down day by day.
At first it started because desperate times called for desperate measures, and Martin who waited a whole 11 months of knowing & watching James could not lose the opportunity to the devil. After they were set to debut together, Martin took it in his own hands to get as close to the other as possible.
And as Martin predicted, after the fall out on his past debut, the James he once knew as an easy going, smiley person was more closed off and
unapproachable now. He started off slow, as if testing the waters while approaching a kitten. He showed up in the studio James worked at often, asked the other to eat with him after their shifts, sat close to him on purpose to leave a trace of his presence in the room but never close enough to push past James’s boundaries. He respected them like he respected the country's laws, even as he slowly but steadily seeped through the cracks in the walls James had built, brick by brick.
By the time the other trainees were finalized, he thought he was somewhere near close to James. And James more than appreciated the younger's efforts & the desperate majors he went to just to interact with him. But when the line between appreciation and need blurred out, none of them realized. Because later, Martin, even as the leader of a group of 5, always found his eyes falling back at a hunched figure.
Martin's efforts only doubled over with more deliberate but silent care after. From buying James food on his packed and busy days while absentmindedly having his favourites memorised, to carrying the elder's bag for him when James least expected it. Always giving in to James’ needs without ever having him voice them out. It was pure attentiveness that Martin found out he had in him a few years back.
James at first denied, pulled back and played the hyung card, not used to being doted on with so much dedication and care. He felt awkward, he felt embarrassed, but alongside he also sensed his strong facade melting down. It took him a long time to adjust, to let someone in and to finally let them stay, stay beside him and hope that this time they won't leave. And Martin did not.
So eventually James gave in, fell into a safe space and started leaning towards the care and loyalty offered to him.
—————
The next day, they moved overseas for their fan meet and as usual fans crowded around them in full force. His eyes slowly drifted to the figure walking close beside him, the rest of the members walking right in front. He took one look at the other's face and slowed his pace, right in the moment their positions shifted, Martin now walked one step behind James.
James hated crowds, not the usual ones, but the forced close proximity ones where bodies tumbled over one another's and heat crawled through the air. It was stuffy and it was uncomfortable. And Martin understood it because most of the members felt the same, but James somehow had the possibility to make himself look even smaller with shoulders hunched over, an action so quietly done that it would not reach others eyes but it reached Martin's and never again left.
James’ expression never gave in to the slight discomfort, but Martin always understood it, so without being asked for, he used his presence to put up a shield behind James. And Martin always felt before he saw the other relax, the mere inches of distance in between their flushed bodies carried a warmth through the suffocating air around them. There was no touching of their bodies and no rushing of movements because it was never required, only the sense of Martin's presence behind him was enough. It was small, but it was grounding, and maybe because it was Martin that it was more than enough. And if James ever leaned back in slightly or slowed his pace deliberately, he never acknowledged it. He stored it somewhere far away in his mind. Somewhere safe.
And Martin for one, never dared bring it up because he feared for his own well-being. The slight flicker of hope bloomed somewhere inside his heart and Martin started counting his days before he did something ever so stupid.
But fuck universe for playing with him, always. He was now rooming up with James for the first time in his life that too for the entire 3-day trip. His counting be damned, first he hoped to survive at least one night with the other.