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"Jamil! Come here!" She turned at the sound of her mother's voice and let out a sigh when she saw the boy standing beside her. She mustered a smile and walked over.
"This is Yassir. You remember him, right? You met when your auntie's friend Farishta came to visit."
"I remember. It's good to see you." She gave him a polite nod.
"And you as well." He smiled, then turned to Jamil's mother. "I'm sure my mother is waiting for me to get home, but I hope we meet again soon." A polite way to say he was busy and didn't have time to be talking to them. If Jamil had dismissed someone like that, she would have been scolded. Especially if it was a man.
Her mother turned to whisper to her once Yassir was out of earshot. "He's such a nice boy, wouldn't he make a good husband?"
"Yes, mama, I'm sure he would." Jamil watched the boy go.
"That's something you need to start thinking about, you know. At your age."
"I know, mama." For someone who used to dream of her wedding henna, it was strange how the topic of marriage now left a sour taste in Jamil's mouth. This brief visit home was enough for her to be relieved at returning to school.
Her parents had only gotten pushier since she began attending Night Raven College. When she did call them during the school year, they'd always ask, "have you met any boys you like yet?" The answer was always no. It wasn't that Jamil didn't like boys, it was just that most of them were painfully dull. She couldn't imagine spending the rest of her life with someone like that.
Outside of her family, there were two major headaches at school for Jamil: Kalim, and-
"Miss Jamil." Jade found her in the hallway as she walked back to her dorm, matching her pace. "Azul has asked me to extend an invitation to you for lunch at the Mostro Lounge tomorrow."
Azul Ashengrotto. The second headache. "Tell her I'm not going."
"She only wishes to talk with you."
"Tell her I'm busy."
Jade let out an exaggerated sigh. "Such a harsh dismissal."
Jamil rolled her eyes. "You'll live."
Jade tilted her head, eyes closed in that seemingly permanent smile of hers. She was pretty, in a sophisticated and refined way. Not that Jamil would ever tell her that. "Surely there's something Azul, or myself, could offer to make it worth your while?"
"There's really not."
"Ah. Very well. If you happen to change your mind, you know where to find us."
"Yeah, yeah." Jamil waved the girl away. She didn't trust Azul, or the Tweels. She'd seen too many people fall victim to their tricks and scams. Getting involved with something like that was the last thing she needed. And yet, Azul seemed so intent on bothering her. It was exhausting.
She cleared all thoughts of Azul from her mind as she entered the Scarabia dormitory. She had to focus on her afternoon tasks, and hope Kalim didn't ask for anything more of her when she was already in a bad mood. Her dreams were strange that night, images of waves crashing against rocks and tide pools full of crawling things.
In Azul's mind, Jamil was the most beautiful person she had ever seen. That girl was the sun, and Azul was not afraid of getting burned. She refused to be discouraged by rejection, although it was getting difficult to keep her spirits up. She only wanted to talk, she would even refrain from offering a contract. Why was Jamil running from her?
"She said no again?" Azul sighed, pushing her glasses up on her nose.
Jade nodded. "She seems quite wary of us."
"Why wouldn't she trust us? We're totally innocent." Both Jade and Azul intentionally ignored Floyd's sarcasm.
"Do you think I should be more straightforward? I was trying not to scare her, but it appears that tactic is unsuccessful."
"That would be my recommendation."
"And maybe talk to her yourself this time?" Floyd leaned over the edge of the couch behind Azul, picking at a stray thread out of boredom.
"I'm going to! It's not like I struggle with talking to girls."
"I didn't say you did."
"Just- Be quiet. I will approach her tomorrow." Azul straightened her jacket before turning on her heel and exiting the room.
Dinner tonight...Kalim might be inviting Silver over so she should make extra. Silver wasn't particularly picky, so it shouldn't be difficult. She should do laundry today, and drop by the store...
"Excuse me, Jamil."
Jamil pinched the bridge of her nose, attempting to reign in her irritation. Enough to not punch the other girl in her pretty face, at least. "What do you want, Azul? We have class soon, you know."
"I was wondering if you would do me the honor of having dinner with me tonight." Azul seemed strangely nervous. Her body language was different from the other times she'd spoken to Jamil. Weird.
"For the last time, I don't want anything to do with you and your deals-"
"I'm asking you on a date."
Jamil froze, stunned. She stared blankly at Azul.
"I...realize I may not have been clear with my intentions, so I am telling you now. I'd like to go out with you." Azul let out a shaky breath.
"I mean, that's...flattering. It's just, I'm straight."
"...Oh." Azul gave her a curt nod. "It's alright, I understand."
"I guess we could still hang out. As friends." Jamil fidgeted with her earring. This felt odd. She'd never imagined Azul's interest in her was something like that.
"That would be nice. You can come by the Mostro Lounge at 7pm."
"Oh, wait- Kalim. I don't know if I'll be able to get away."
"I can arrange something to keep Kalim busy. He won't even notice you're gone."
"Are you sure? If you get me in trouble I'm gonna be pissed."
"I assure you it's no problem at all."
"If you say so..."
"Can I walk with you to class?"
"Yeah. Sure." Jamil kept glancing at her as they walked. As annoying as Azul was, now that she knew how the other girl felt, she couldn't help but feel a bit guilty for rejecting her. There were a few different emotions running through her, not all of them she was able to name. Once they got to the classroom, Jamil found herself struggling to focus on what Trein was saying. Azul liked her. A girl had never liked her before. Not that she knew of, at least. She wasn't sure how she felt about it. Her eyes drifted towards Azul, sitting only a few feet away. Why did things always have to be so complicated in her life?
"You're lying."
"I'm not." Azul had taken over Jade's bed, having ran straight to the twins' room as soon as she could.
"Then she's lying." Floyd rolled over on his bed. "She's totally gay."
"How would you know?" Azul glared at him.
"I have an excellent gaydar. We're in the basketball club together, I've seen her enough to tell. Can you stop being sad now? You're bringing my mood down too. Bleh."
"It seems this will take a more delicate approach than we expected..." Jade crossed her arms in thought.
"I am seeing her tonight. It's just platonic."
"Figure out how to squeeze the truth out of her then."
Azul sighed. "There will be no squeezing."
"You're no fun, Azul."
"And you know nothing of romance."
"Sure I do!"
Jade spoke before the two of them could argue any further. "It's clear Jamil has yet to realize her sexuality, assuming Floyd is correct. Perhaps you can be the one to assist her with that, if you play your cards right."
"Help me make a plan, then. I need to be prepared."
7pm. The Mostro Lounge. Kalim had run up to Jamil that evening, telling her that Ruggie had invited him somewhere, and had asked for it to be just the two of them, so Jamil could stay at the dorm. Azul had made good on her promise, at least. The place looked closed, but when Jamil knocked on the door it was opened by a waiter. He brought her to a table where Azul was waiting. She must have closed the place early so it would be just the two of them.
"...Hey." Jamil slid into the seat across from her.
"Good evening, Jamil."
Jamil picked up a menu just to have something to do. She felt awkward. She'd spent time one on one with certain people, but this was...different. At least Azul seemed a bit out of her element too.
"I'm assuming you paid Ruggie to get Kalim off my back?"
"Yes, but it didn't take much."
"They're pretty close. Usually Ruggie prefers to come over to our dorm, though. He knows he can get free food that way."
"You cook?"
"Yeah. My mom taught me, mostly. There were a lot of other chefs back at the palace too. When Najma and I were kids we loved to watch them work."
"Najma?"
"My little sister."
"I see. You two are close?"
"Yeah. I mean, she annoys me sometimes. She used to 'borrow' my stuff all the time. I'm pretty sure a quarter of her wardrobe is actually mine." Azul laughed at that, and Jamil felt herself relax a bit. They fell into conversation, only pausing when the waiter came to take their orders. Azul coaxed Jamil into sharing anecdotes about herself and her family, and listened attentively to every word. Eventually, the other girl started sharing stories of her own. Jamil came to the horrifying realization that she was enjoying herself. Azul was even making her laugh. This was definitely not going how she expected it to. She was almost a bit disappointed when she had to leave.
Things changed after that night. Azul would appear and offer to walk with her between classes, and Jamil wouldn't say no. She would willingly partner with Azul during group work, and Azul even started coming to watch their basketball club practices. She would bring Jamil water during breaks. Sometimes Floyd would make a face at her, or laugh, but Azul just shot him a glare.
The hard thing about their conversations was that, on occasion, Azul would try to push deeper than Jamil was willing to go. She understood that Azul only wanted to get to know her, but Jamil wasn't used to opening up to anyone, and she wasn't about to start now. She'd give shallow answers and change the subject. She knew Azul noticed, but she never confronted her about it. Outside of that, she did enjoy talking to Azul. Her initial coldness towards the girl had transformed into playful banter. She found herself thinking of Azul even when they weren't together.
Jamil managed to get free time later that week, and Azul invited her to hang out again. It felt different this time. Jamil's eyes seemed to linger on Azul longer than normal. She did her best to pull them away. Maybe it was the smell of Azul's perfume, or how she looked under the dim lights in her dorm room. Jamil just knew that something was different.
"Can I walk you home?"
"Yeah, that'd be nice." Azul smiled politely and let Jamil lead the way. They were a few steps from Jamil's door, but she hesitated. She turned back towards Azul. Their gazes met. They were standing awfully close to one another. Jamil knew in that moment that she should step away, but Azul's eyes were looking straight into hers and she smelled like flowers and the sea, and Jamil leaned in.
Their lips only met for a second before Jamil jerked back as if she'd been burned. Azul was staring at her, wide-eyed.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Azul reached for her, but she stepped back.
"No, that was a mistake."
"Why? You clearly like me." Jamil didn't know why those words bothered her so much, but they did.
"Don't act like you know how I feel."
"You just keep pushing me away! How am I supposed to know how you feel?" Azul was starting to get frustrated, but her expression wasn't truly angry. It was sad. Jamil couldn't take it.
"You don't understand!" She felt like screaming. Azul was just staring at her with those horrible, kind eyes.
"Explain it to me." Her voice was so soft, but to Jamil it sounded like nails on a chalkboard.
"I don't want to know how they'll look at me if they find out." Her voice broke on the last word. She was desperately fighting back tears. "I'm supposed to be a good daughter. I'm supposed to set an example for Najma. I'm not supposed to want things like this. I'm not supposed to want you."
"Jamil..." Azul reached for her but she backed away.
"No. You're poisoning me. I can't keep doing this."
"You don't think you deserve to be happy?"
"I don't get to be happy. It's not my job to be happy." She paused, swallowing down a sob so raw that it hurt her throat. "I wish I was normal."
"There's nothing wrong with you."
"Everything is wrong with me! I hate it. I didn't ask for this. I should be able to love a boy. I should be dreaming of the wedding my parents have imagined for me, but every time I look to the future I can only see you."
There was silence after that. Azul was too stunned to speak. That gave Jamil the opportunity she needed. She turned, and ran.
The tears started falling as soon as the door to her room closed. There was only one person she could even hope to talk to about this. Every other feeling inside her was so big, it overrode her fear. Maybe Najma would understand. Maybe her sister would still love her. She hesitated, hand shaking over the call button.
Najma picked up on the second ring. "Hey, Jamooshi. What's up?"
"I kissed a girl."
"...Oh. You don't sound happy about that."
"Well, I'm not gay."
"You're not?"
"Najma!"
"Alright, just tell me everything."
Najma was silent for a while after Jamil finished the story. It was making her nervous.
"...And you just left her there?"
"What was I supposed to do?"
"Jamil."
"What?"
"I don't think you're telling me everything." Jamil's breath caught. Najma's voice was soft, not angry. Despite everything, Jamil couldn't hold it in anymore.
"I like her. And I don't think I'm ever going to be able to like a boy the way I like her." Jamil sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Hey, it's okay."
"It's not! How am I supposed to tell our parents? I mean- It's wrong. It's all wrong."
"It's not wrong." Najma sighed. "You can't choose who you like, Jamil."
"...I wish I could."
"I know. Look, mama and baba love you. They want you to be happy. That's why they want you to marry well. They might not...get it, but I can't imagine them hating you."
"They'll be disappointed."
"You don't know that. If you like this girl, you should go for it."
"I'm just scared, Najma." She let out a shaky breath.
"I don't want you to spend the rest of your life regretting that you left her behind. Find her. If not for you, for me."
"...Okay. Okay, I will."
"I love you, Jamooshi. No matter what. Get some rest."
"I love you too." She stared at the screen for a while after Najma hung up. What was she supposed to do now?
"And she slammed the door in my face!!" Azul wailed, burying her face in her pillow.
"Are you that bad of a kisser?"
"Shut up, Floyd." She sat up just to frown at him.
"Jamil is clearly going through a lot right now. I imagine she's feeling very conflicted." Jade tapped her chin.
"I don't know how to fix it."
"You can't fix her parents being homophobic."
"I know that, but surely I can help her."
"Not if she doesn't want to be helped." Jade sat down beside Azul. "For now, the best thing to do is give her space. I suspect she'll come to you."
"...Alright."
It was the weekend, which made it far easier for Jamil to avoid her. This left Azul with nothing but anxiety. She hadn't felt so unsure and out of control in a long time. She despised it. It was hard to focus on anything when thoughts of Jamil plagued her mind. She just had to wait, she kept reminding herself. Just wait.
After consulting with Najma once again in the morning, Jamil was now preparing herself to face Azul. She paced back and forth in the bathroom, looking at the mirror every few moments to make sure she still looked fine. She finally took a deep breath and left, headed for Octavinelle. She quickly realized that she didn't know where exactly Azul was. She was starting to get nervous when she ran into Floyd.
"Heyy, sea snake. You look lost."
"...I'm looking for Azul."
"She's in her office. Want me to lead the way?"
"No, thank you."
"Aww, too bad." He shrugged and kept walking.
Jamil mustered her courage as she walked through the Mostro Lounge to Azul's office. She hesitated, but forced herself to knock. The few moments she spent waiting for the door to open felt like an eternity.
"Yes?" Azul froze when she saw Jamil. "Oh. Um, come in."
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." Jamil blurted out as soon as the door was closed behind them.
"No, I'm...glad that you said the things you did. You were right. I didn't understand."
"You were right. I do like you. I was just scared, but I don't want to be scared anymore, so...Azul, will you go out with me?"
"Yeah- I mean- Yes. Of course I will." Jamil felt the weight leave her shoulders. It wasn't until Azul reached to wipe her tears away that she realized she was crying. Jamil turned her face to place a kiss into Azul's palm. She smiled when the other girl's face went red. It still felt strange to her, but it also felt right. This wasn't bad, it couldn't be, not when Azul was looking at her like that. She couldn't imagine being anywhere else.