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He could remember it as clear as day.
The excruciating pain in the remains of his left arm, the sounds of screams and sobs, the fire dancing in front of his eyes...
Simon wished he could forget. Why couldn't he be more careful, he should've, as it was rainy the day before. His reckless driving caused him to-
His breath hitched as he sat up in his bed in pain. This must be a punishment, he thought, for he has sinned. He caused the crash. He watched them die in front of his eyes, without doing anything to save them. What a coward.
No wonder they're calling him a murderer now. The killer who murdered his own student.
A butcher.
He could sense the hate in their eyes every time he walked past behind them. Every glare, every vengeful look for their friend. Their friend who was the victim of the butcher, perishing under his hands.
He got up, dressing in a suit for the announcement he would make that afternoon. It'll be alright, he said to himself, everyone will leave after. They won't tolerate you. His back ached from the movement as he tried to put on his jacket, wincing every now and then.
He didn't have the right to. Not when they had gone through worse.
He put on his glasses with great effort, his eyes stinging from the amount of tears that threatened to escape him. The phantom pain in his left stump worsened with the pain in his heart.
But perhaps the thing that hurt him the most was the looks Grace gave him now.
The man had been his best friend from the start. They got along pretty well, and the science teacher was quick to make friends with the man he deemed 'the new guy'. His energy was infectious, and he really wanted that energy back.
Not this hollow shell of a man, roaming the halls with his empty eyes.
Ryland Grace was not okay. He wasn't the same since he got the news. He was not the Ryland Grace he knew when he visited him at the hospital, weak and fragile.
He was someone else.
And it was because of him.
Since then, he would look at him with his empty doll eyes, glistening at every little thing. Like he would still try to see the man he loved beneath all the coldness.
He shivered at the thought.
Was it so wrong to want him to smile again despite the pain? Was he that selfish?
Yes, his inner voice answered him. Why would you not help those desperate families if you weren't selfish?
I should be grateful, he thought, I still have my job even if it's not the same.
Even if the kids looked at him with fear now. Even if his colleagues looked at him with disgust. Even if his boss still judged him in silence.
He finally broke.
He missed his old life. He missed the times when he was not burdened with the soul of a small child who'll never come home. He missed the times when friendship came easy.
He longed for the times he would sit with Ryland, gossiping about the kids in their class, sharing lesson ideas. He loved it when he laughed, when he showed his beautiful smile.
But his mistakes, even that was an understatement, ruined his life.
He will be remembered forever as the teacher who killed his student.
He looked in the mirror one last time, his horrible scar adorning his face, and got outside, grabbing his keys along the way.
He had to apologize, even if it doesn't bring her back.
He has been numb for days.
He didn't dare to shed a tear now. Not when his eyes were dry from using them up from day one.
He could remember Simon's weak body on the hospital bed, soaked from the blood of the man he cherished. The left arm of his destroyed from the car crash, turned into a stump.
He didn't care if they called him a murderer. He knew he wasn't the Simon he knew. Simon loved every one of his students. He cared for each and every one of them. He would give anything to see his students safe.
He wouldn't kill them with a car.
He remembered his sobs echoing in the small room, mumbling that he didn't mean it, that it was all an accident- and he believed so.
But it didn't stop the rumors from spreading, did it? It made no difference in the end. It didn't even made any difference when they checked the cameras and they saw that the car really slipped like Simon said.
After all, he wouldn't cry in front of hundreds of people. Simon didn't like to show his vulnerable side very much. That was one of the reasons why he got along with him so well.
Two peas in a pod, they say. What happened to that bond? What happened to us?
When did he start drifting away from him? When did he become scared to hurt his feelings enough to not talk with him at all?
And the worst of all, when did he start to abandon his friend in the time he needed him the most?
He really was the worst person.
He should've supported him, he should've listened to him more.
Instead, he left him, alone and unstable.
"Mr. Grace?"
Those two words brought him back from his overthinking mind.
"Yes?"
"You're expected at the auditorium. For the announcement." Principal Harris spoke.
"I'll be there right away." His voice was choked up for a second from unshed tears.
Harris nodded slowly, looking at him solemnly for a minute. He glanced before leaving the teachers' lounge, closing the door behind.
Ryland sighed, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion. He didn't even mentally prepare himself for this kind of conversation. These hard topics should come easy to talk about for him, but he couldn't calm his nerves and think about what could go wrong.
He knew there would be murmurs. Rumors rising again. Gossips flowing in the air, spreading in the crowd.
Simon would be uncomfortable. Shaking silently and nobody would know.
He thought about how he was absent this morning. Simon would never miss a class, deeply caring about the kids' education.
It was unusual for him. But everything was unusual nowadays, and it was unavoidable.
"Grace!" Harris' voice rose again, this time a bit impatient. "Everyone is waiting for you to arrive."
Ryland turned to him with a tired gaze. "I'm coming."
He got up from his seat, heading towards the door. Harris was waiting for him outside.
"I know this is hard for you and each one of us, but do it for them, alright? For Lily." He spoke with sympathy.
Ryland froze. The tears stung his eyes.
Lily.
He couldn't even imagine the pain she went through, as she burnt in that collapsing car, crying her little heart out. He wondered what Simon felt at that moment-
"Yeah, okay." He muttered, trying to not let him see the streaks glistening on his cheeks.
He got to the auditorium, packed with kids, teachers and parents, and sat on one of the chairs. Some of them looked angered while kids were mostly weeping for their friend.
Principal Harris stood on stage, looking at the audience before speaking in a calm tone.
"Hello everyone. Today we have gathered regarding some rumors that need to be addressed. I have Mr. Butcher here to express himself. Come on stage, please."
God, he could see Simon wincing when Harris spoke of him as a "butcher". It wasn't an abnormal thing, "Butcher" was his surname, a surname that gained a lot more meaning after that horrible incident.
But he didn't know about any rumors.
Simon got on the stage, the left sleeve of his arm hanging loosely. Ryland could see the stress radiating off of him, his usually neat bun messily falling on his shoulders. The quiet sadness on his eyes standing out.
"Hello..." he started, fumbling with his words, "um..a few months ago I was involved in a car accident..."
He was nervous enough that he would mumble between words, going between 'um's and 'uh's, his lips trembling with desperate struggles to not cry.
He cleared his throat.
"Where I was injured pretty badly- um, and suffered from extreme trauma."
Ryland remembered Simon waking up and going through a breakdown when he saw his amputated arm. He was the one who cradled and cared for him, trying to calm him down and not let him get worse.
"I wanted to address the rumor that has been going around recently... The rumor that involves me- uhm.. it involves me being called a murderer... um... and a butcher."
How come he never realized it?
Was he that blind to his pain?
His shoulders shook as he looked at Simon's miserable face, his voice shaking at the words of "murderer" and "butcher". He should've defended him before it got this bad.
If only I wasn't such a selfish coward, he told himself. Cowardice ruins everything.
"Ahem- these names are in regards to the events that unfolded that day."
Simon took a deep breath, then continued.
"In which the day I fled... uhm..." his voice shook more, "caused two families, including five children... to perish."
"My reckless driving," he was trembling in anger at himself, "resulted in a pile up... which then caused a fire."
Murmurs around Ryland started rising.
"They still let him here?"
"I don't want my kids around a murderer!"
"Harris doesn't know what he's doing."
"He's scary. Look at the scar on his face."
"Clearly untrustworthy."
Simon couldn't hold back anymore.
He sniffles, sobs threatening to come out from his lungs, slowly choking him. Tears rushed to his eyes, and suddenly everything was blurry, including Ryland's face who shared the same emotions.
"Sorry..." he apologized, like letting out his emotions was something to be ashamed of, breaking Ryland's heart with every sentence.
"One of the children happen to be a student of mine... and..." He let a sob.
"Sorry... I'm so sorry. I'm eternally sorry... to her friends and family."
He sniffled once more, his sobs coming out harsh.
"And I'm grateful... for this second chance, for allowing me to stay. Thank you."
Tears were running down his face, trembling as he spoke one last time. "I am truly sorry... for every pain I caused."
Ryland didn't realize the wetness of his cheeks.
Principal Harris was on stage again, but he couldn't hear any of the things he would say. Words blurred in between, becoming an amalgamation in his mind.
"...We share our condolences..."
"...Truly sorry..."
"...We hope..."
"... These kinds of tragedies will never happen again..."
His mind was only on the man who never had a day of peace in his life since that day.
He could hear other teachers talking next to him.
"Harris made a mistake by giving him another chance. I would never trust him again after that incident."
"Right. This isn't something to be forgived. It's the death of a child. A student. And two families..."
"I'll never understand his decision..."
Ryland cut them off gently. "Maybe he's really remorseful? He seemed pretty sad to me..."
"You believe him, Grace? Really?" One of them told him harshly. "I didn't expect anything else from you. Since you were close friends."
"I can't believe you're defending that murderer."
"That butcher never deserved a second chance. He can go and rot somewhere for all I care."
Ryland was starting to get uncomfortable around his colleagues, unconsciously looking for a way out of the situation.
Then his gaze landed on Simon.
He was far away, looking at Ryland like expecting something, his eyes still red with remaining tears.
"That's enough!" Ryland yelled.
The group got quiet.
"You- you call him a murderer, but a murderer wouldn't cry on stage in front of hundreds of people for killing a child. They wouldn't feel remorse. They would be cold. He's neither of those. And... and he's bad at acting."
He sniffled, looking at them disappointed. He thought they were close friends with Simon, but it seemed like no one knew him properly.
He left the auditorium quietly without looking at their shocked expression or scowls, searching for Simon. He wasn't in his usual corner nor in the auditorium.
"Simon... Where are you?"
He searched the school, looking from classroom to classroom, hoping to see that dark wavy hair.
He got outside to the porch and that's when he saw him sobbing his heart out.
They would never believe him if he said it was an accident. He would be forever a murderer, the reason that kids were scared around him.
"Simon... Hey, look at me- look at me." Ryland put a hand around his back. "I'm here. It's okay. It's okay-"
Simon couldn't answer.
The only sound was his uneven breathing.
Ryland didn't rush him. He simply stayed there, one hand resting gently between his shoulder blades.
He tried to speak once more. "Simon, can you talk to me? It's okay-"
"It's not okay!" Simon screamed, his voice dissolving into sobs. "It's my fault she died! It's my fault they all died! I'm a murderer, Ryland!"
He hugged him with his one arm tightly. "They're scared of me! All of them! They look at me like I'm a monster! They-"
"I don't know what to do, Ryland... They must be right." He hiccuped in the silence. "I am a monster."
"No, you're not." Ryland caressed his head. "Don't ever say that about yourself again. You're not a monster. You're human. You're in pain too."
"You don't get it, Ry." Simon's voice hardened. "I couldn't do anything. I just watched like a coward because I was too scared. I am a selfish coward who let his student fucking die."
"Simon." Ryland sniffled, then continued, his tone determined to not let him drown in his misery. "You were bleeding and your arm was ripped off. You were covered in blood. Do you think you were in any condition to help those families get out?"
Simon stayed silent against his chest.
"You were barely alive when they brought you to hospital. They would change your bed sheets every hour because they would get soaked in blood every time they laid you down. We almost lost you from blood loss."
He shook with the memory. "I thought you died. I though I couldn't see you again. Our memories flashed before my eyes."
"So don't call yourself a monster, because Simon, you're anything other than a monster. You hear me? Please... don't torture yourself and others like this."
"I didn't mean it Ry... I really didn't! You have to believe me! I would never want to harm them! It was all an accident, please..."
"I know. I know you didn't mean it. You're not a cold blooded murderer. You would never do something like that on purpose."
Simon started sobbing again. "But Lily..."
Ryland cut him off. "Do you think Lily would be grateful because you saved her life? Or would she be guilty that her teacher gave up his life for her?"
"She was so small, Ry... she called out to me. She... called out for me." Simon's body trembled against the cold, his voice thick from his sobs. "She was so small..."
"I know." Tears ran down from Ryland's face. "God, I know. I know."
They hung onto each other, sobbing like they were alone in the moonlight. For a life that was gone too soon, and for the tragedy that would follow Simon for the rest of his life.
Ryland held Simon in his arms, soothing him and slowly calming him down. He didn't care about any of the rumors or anything else they were saying behind their back, they could deal with them later.
"Let's go to my house, alright? I'm not about to leave you alone like that. Don't give me that face."
Simon looked at him with puffy eyes, then slowly nodded.
He left his bike, heading to Simon's car. He would take it later.
He helped Simon sit on the passenger's seat, then slowly drove to his house, cautious to not startle him.
They both needed some peace and quiet tonight. Ryland would make sure that Simon earned it.
He wasn't about to let his friend lose his mind because of a horrible accident that he caused without meaning to.
They approached the house, Ryland slowly leading Simon to his house. He opened the door with his keys.
Simon sat on the sofa, curling up to himself while Ryland prepared tea for them. Tea would always help Simon to calm his nerves.
He gave one of the mugs to him, sitting next to him.
"Ry...?" Simon's voice was timid.
"Yeah?"
"I'm glad you're here." He looked away.
"What do you mean?"
"I thought... when you didn't talk to me... you hated me too. Like the rest of them."
"I never hated you. I... I guess I was afraid to hurt feelings. When things were already worse..."
Simon looked at him, thoughtful for a minute, then nodded.
"Thank you..for staying with me."
"You're welcome. You shouldn't thank me for these kind of things."
But he understood why he did it. He smiled softly at Simon before looking at the sky, now embraced by stars, hoping for a better future for both of them.
A painless future.