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Derek had really only gone to his father’s funeral because he wanted to be sure the guy was dead.
The room had been full of people, mostly his dad’s military buddies, and a few relatives, and the dark-haired man had felt like a lamb being led into a lion’s den. It was surreal to hear people talk of his dad fondly- to hear stories that Derek couldn’t possibly phantom.
His father? A man of authority? Someone worth respecting? That pathetic excuse? Someone who wouldn’t protect his own son? That listened and obeyed a wife that treated him like her personal guard dog? THAT was supposed to be some amazing figure in the navy?
Impossible.
Derek chuckled darkly.
As amazing as his father had apparently been, there had barely been anything left of that person by the time Derek came around. He’d just been a bitter, angry drunk, too cowardly to stand up for himself, letting his wife destroy everything he held dear.
Had those two gotten divorced at any point, he probably would’ve still been alive. Not that they ever would- they ‘loved’ each other far too much for that.
Ah… love.
Supposedly the greatest force in the universe.
Derek looked around himself.
Yeah. A great force all right.
Look at all the damage it caused.
His mother was nothing without her beloved, obedient servant, and died in the very same year.
She too, died surrounded by loved ones, trying to pretend to be the perfect mother until the very end- promising Derek that everything she had would go to him.
He didn’t buy it. He didn’t buy it for a single second. His mother was a deceptive snake, doing whatever it took for her to look like a saint- that poor woman who lost her husband, who’s son went out of his way to ignore and avoid her.
She thrived on pity and attention, and she would lie, sabotage and manipulate anyone to get it.
Derek felt bad for the people who bought her lies, he already knew what was ahead of him. And yet those very same loved ones forced him to go to the reading of his mother’s will- ‘it’s just a formality’ they claimed. ‘she wanted you to have everything’.
…He already knew he wasn’t mentioned in the will, and he didn’t care about it either. Derek never cared for the same things as his mother had cared about, and just let the family fight amongst themselves over who’d get his mother’s home, her diamonds and her expensive bags, while the friends who had truly believed Derek’s mother had wanted to make up for her mistakes while raising him by leaving all she owned to him were left stunned, unable to grasp that the saintly woman could’ve lied about her will.
Whatever.
Derek didn’t care. Even if he was somehow the only one who would inherit her belongings, it wouldn’t make things better. It wouldn’t undo the abuse he suffered and the neglect he was still trying to recover from in the present day, and while wealth would make his life easier, it wouldn’t erase the hurt.
The dark haired man knew that his mother had only gotten him to fit her view of a perfect family, and at some point, when it became clear that Derek didn’t fit that image, she had simply chosen to stop loving him, to stop ‘investing’ in a failure.
Though, Derek wasn’t exactly sure when it had started.
Was it when he got his diagnosis?
Was it when his grades began to slip because of how bored he was with everything?
Was it when he dropped out?
Or maybe, it was the moment she realized that her son had a free will- that he wasn’t a mindless puppet for her to control.
Whatever.
At some point his mother decided that loving him just wasn’t worth it, and Derek agreed.
Love was a force of destruction, it wasn’t worth trying to engage with that feeling with people like those around.
Derek’s grandfather had been a person he once loved. When his homelife got too loud and his mother’s screeching got too intense, he fled to his grandfather, and the two would talk. He was open, honest about how he hated the kid’s mother, though he tried to respect her for Derek’s father, despite the fact he thought the guy deserved better. Derek had laughed when the old man called his mother a ‘bitch’.
But that changed, as all things tended to do.
Derek moved out, and it’s as if a switch had been flipped. All of a sudden family stuck together no matter what, all of a sudden all the abuse and yelling was completely normal, all of a sudden DEREK was the problem, because he chose to leave it all behind.
It got worse after his parents died, because that’s when Derek’s grandfather began to talk about suicide.
Derek was told to be understanding; the old man had lost his wife 20 years before Derek was even born, had lost his oldest when Derek was an infant, and had lost Derek’s father and mother recently. He was tired, he had outlived everyone he loved.
Of course he wanted to die.
But why did he always put conditions on his death that involved Derek?
The final straw came when Derek visited his grandfather- he had been planning to move back to his hometown, so the two could be closer, he’d already found an apartment complex he could move into, and hoped that maybe, just maybe, his grandfather would be happy to see more of Derek in the near future.
Instead, Derek was told that as soon as he had moved back, his grandfather would ‘let them end him’.
That had been the final straw.
Something had broken that day, and Derek just… lost the ability to care. He lost the ability to feel… anything, actually. There was nothing left to feel.
Derek moved back to his hometown, and his grandfather lived for several more years before passing away due to a stroke.
Derek wasn’t able to feel anything when he died.
He went to therapy, because that’s what you’re supposed to do, and apparently ‘nothing’ is not a reassuring answer when someone asks you what you’re feeling.
But it was true.
Ever since his grandfather told Derek he’d kill himself if Derek moved back, he had been unable to experience any emotion. He still had them, but it was like… having a computer without a monitor.
You could turn the computer on, see the lights and know it was working, but without a monitor you would never know what was really happening.
That was Derek with his emotions.
A computer, without its monitor.
…Apparently it’s called ‘Alexithymia’, but Derek decided to call it ‘bliss’.
If he was sad, he didn’t know.
If he was in pain, Derek didn’t notice.
No anger, no confusion…
It was… nice.
Derek once heard people say that apathy was its own form of bliss, and honestly?
He understood what they meant perfectly now.
Derek lived in that peaceful nothingness for years, experiencing no emotion, despite the fact that his feelings were there.
Other people could see them, but Derek himself couldn’t, and luckily no-one ever bothered to ask about it.
Because really? Nobody cared.
Derek was background noise at best, a hermit at worst, and he was okay with that. No friends, certainly no family…
Just… peaceful calm and quiet.
Until the king showed up, and Derek was swept away by infinite knowledge and emotions and pain-
So much pain.
Everything he couldn’t experience, all the grief and mourning he didn’t do, hit him all at once on top of an impossible truth about the world and all of reality-
All the pasts, all the futures,
And every single little emotion his mind had suppressed for years.
Hit hurt,
oh gods did it hurt.
It was painful and terrifying-
Because Derek learned about Avery.
And instantly fell in love.
How… terrifying.
How terrifying that being in love made him understand everything his family had gone through- more so than the things the king had shown him.
Maybe it was the memory of his father that was the most relatable; Someone who turned to alcohol to cope with a toxic marriage.
…Derek didn’t drink. His father was exactly the reason why he’d never touch a drop of alcohol, but he understood the man.
Not because he agreed with his father, but because he could understand why he suffered and stayed with his mother.
It’s love.
Love gave him the strength to endure her abuse, to listen to her screech obscenities at him and smile. Sure, he needed a coping mechanism on the side, but at the end of the day… he had truly loved her.
And refused to abandon her, no matter how much it killed him.
And kill him it did.
As Derek traveled trough the worlds the king in yellow had prepared, sometimes he was… tempted to give up, to turn off his monitor and just… get it over with.
He was dying.
He knew he was dying.
But he had to keep going for Avery- the person he loved.
He had to find a way to keep him safe- or at the very least find a way to discourage him from continuing on.
Derek never expected he’d relate to his mother of all people.
He didn’t agree with her, he didn’t like her as a person, but he understood her.
She had been fundamentally broken, unable to love herself, and trying in vain to make others adore her to fill that void. All the love and adoration in the world wouldn’t fix her, and in the end, she only pushed people away with her lies, which caused her to double down, tell more lies, deceive more people, become more cruel behind closed doors.
Derek would never relate to her on a personal level, but… she did teach him how to lie.
The dark-haired man hated how easy it was to deceive Avery- how he trusted every word from Derek’s lips, how… he promised Derek that he’d be able to do what the other asked of him.
It made the dark-haired man feel sick, and turned the ache in his chest into a void that could never be filled.
…But unlike his mother, Derek had lied to protect someone.
He just… hoped Avery would be able to see that someday.
Derek’s grandfather… had suffered a lot.
He had lived through wars, seen loved ones die everywhere, and ultimately died lost, confused and alone.
…The dark-skinned man hated that he knew what that experience was going to be like.
He had outsmarted an actual god, and now... he was dying here… alone.
“...D3rlord?”
His own username shouldn’t strike such fear in him.
But.. with Avery there- with Avery coming back specifically for him, how could it not?
Avery… he had to leave.
Had to get out.
There was no hope for Derek- there never had been.
A dark voice whispered that it sounded eerily like the thoughts his grandfather could’ve had when Derek mentioned he’d be moving back to his hometown.
The dark-haired man refused to listen, refused to let the memories of the elder influence his present choices.
But… at some point it became clear that Derek would have to push Avery away.
To save him.
To give him a chance at a better life.
Even if it hurt the blonde.
Even if it destroyed him.
Just like how Derek’s grandfather had destroyed Derek.
The deed… was done.
Avery was safe.
Derek was dying, and Hastur was dying with him.
…There was no need to drag this out.
Derek turned off his monitor, allowing pain to consume him.
Maybe… he was screaming, maybe he was crying.
It didn't matter.
Avery was safe.
He’d live.
Derek forced his jaw shut- forced himself quiet.
…He could see it. He could see everything.
The happiness in Avery’s childhood.
His parents,
his sister.
and all the love they had for him.
…It was… different.
So different from what Derek experienced.
…He’d… be okay.
Avery would be okay so long as he reached out to the people who loved him.
He had people who supported him, cared for him, would gladly listen and sit with him.
Avery would be okay.
With that realization, Derek forced himself to relax, to roll onto his back (When had he fallen from his chair?) and just… let it happen.
It’s almost as if he was watching someone else be in such agony.
The last thing the dark-haired man could feel were feather-light touches to his cheeks.
…but that couldn’t be real, could it?
Derek never expected to wake up again, but he did, and the first thing he heard was a very annoying, steady beeping sound.
…He was in a hospital…how the heck had he survived?
The knowledge was gone, the pain was still very much present, and-
A blonde was to his side, hugging his arm and snoring softly.
Avery.
…Derek was still dealing with emotional blindness- he had no idea what he was feeling right now, but…
He knew he loved Avery, and maybe… unlike what his family had shown him, that didn’t have to be such a bad thing.
Maybe they’d… both be okay.