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It was a rainy day. Both for the world and for a young boy named Tyler. With no sunrays visible, his little mind pondered about the darkness in his soul.
All he wanted to do was disappear. His project of finding purpose has not yet been accomplished. He wanted to try so many things, poor boy. Yet his brain kept pushing him to the verge of death.
You might be perplexed about how the brain works when it’s influenced by depression. All you want to do is end it all, while you also want to seek for something (or someone) you can belong to.
Tyler felt what it was like. He knew how confusing all that was. That’s what made him even more frustrated.
He really, really wanted to be free. And while it might seem like he was a goner already, he wanted to be free here. Still, on the Earth.
But for that, he needed to find something to live for. Something to keep him wanting to fight. Giving it all up was an option he didn’t want to accept.
Finally, he stood up from his bed. The thunderstorm started to get calmer and calmer each second he spent with wondering. He went to his table, sat down and started writing.
Everything that came to his mind appeared on a piece of paper. He does this occasionally, letting his thoughts escape from his mind and evaporating as he throws them away.
Today was different, though. When he looked down at the paper, all he saw was a bunch of different adjectives. Mostly describing the looks of a particular stranger.
He has seen the red-haired boy so many times that he practically memorized everything about him.
The pattern of his curls, the placement of his piercings and tattoos , and the way his eyes disappeared when he was smiling. Oh, how he adored all these details.
Yet, he hasn’t made up his mind to approach the boy. He knew that’s what his heart wanted, but he was so anxious. What if he thinks he’s a freak just like everyone else? What if he laughs in his face and leaves him stunned? And worst of all, what if he’s straight?
Well, yes, it was really challenging for Tyler to accept his homosexuality. Nevertheless, when he saw this boy, all he wanted to do was run to his arms and be held by him. Be safe.
But that’s weird, right? He didn’t know anything personal about this stranger. Nonetheless, something in his mind told him he was a great person. Someone who looks like an angel couldn’t possibly hurt him. At least that’s what he told himself.
Minutes later, he saw the boy from his window, walking down the street. And oh, he was drenched thanks to the horrible weather. That might just gave Tyler an opportunity to talk to him.
He tried to make his terrible anxiety disappear, he was basically shushing his mind, praying it would stay quiet for once.
He rushed out of his house, and ran towards the boy who was already by the end of the street. The stranger must’ve heard Tyler’s heavy footsteps, because he turned around with a frightened look on his face.
“Oh, hi, listen I don’t want this to sound weird or anything, but I was just looking out the window when I saw you completely drenched and I thought this would help.” - said Tyler, handing an umbrella and a towel to the guy. “Okay, that does sound a bit weird, I’m sorry. I just wanted to help. I’m Tyler, by the way, I live here.”
There was an awkward moment of silence between them, but then the boy finally reacted.
“Hi, Tyler, I’m Josh.” - he said with a friendly smile. “Umm, thanks for these, really. And no, I wouldn’t say this is weird, I actually think you’re a hero.” - he chuckled. Another awkward moment of silence. Josh studied Tyler’s face for a bit. “Have I seen you somewhere? You look familiar.”
“I mean, if you’re also from around here, it’s possible that you’ve seen me a few times.” - Tyler said in hope he wasn’t caught by the other while he was staring at him through the window quite a lot. “Okay, well, I don’t want to hold you up, you can keep the umbrella and the towel. It was nice meeting you.” By this time, Tyler’s heart was racing at an impossible speed, he really wanted to rush home and think about this little interaction.
Josh thanked the boy again, and they both waved goodbye. Tyler turned around and started walking towards his house, but then he heard Josh calling out his name.
“Wait, Tyler! Could I maybe get your number? I really want to do something in return of your help.” - he said with a grin.
Did he really just ask Tyler for his number? Well, it was just a gesture, but to Tyler, it was a lot more. He actually felt his cheeks burning up.
“Oh yeah, sure. But you really don’t have to do anything in return.” - he hoped Josh didn’t notice the slight pink color spreading across his whole face.
“I insist. Or, maybe we could just talk and you know.. Be friends?”
“Sure, I’d like that”. Tyler was sure he was going to pass out. He put himself together and typed his number in Josh’s phone along with his name.
They waved goodbye again, and Tyler finally had the opportunity to rush home, jump on his bed and ponder about this whole awkward (but also heartwarming) interaction.
He couldn’t believe he had the courage to talk to Josh, and also the fact that he couldn’t refer to him as “the stranger” anymore.
After a while, he heard his phone buzzing.
Unknown number: Hey, it’s Josh. Thought I would check in to let you know I didn’t forget about your help ;))
Tyler quickly changed his contact.
Tyler: Hii, did you get home safe?
Josh: Yeah man, thanks to you.
Tyler felt himself blushing again. They chatted for quite a while about the most random things. Turns out, they shared a lot of their interests. Tyler also found out Josh was the same age as him.
For the first time, Tyler went to sleep with a peaceful mind.
The next few days went by quite quickly. Somehow, Tyler’s brain managed to send the terrible thoughts to the back of his mind. It wasn’t his priority at the moment.
Josh was.
Regarding Josh, they agreed to meet up on the weekend to get to know each other better. Josh thought it would be more effective in person.
And about Tyler.. He was more anxious than he ever was before. He was terrified about the slight chance that he messes something up or says something embarrassing in front of the boy he adored so much.
But there wasn’t time to ponder about that, he needed to get ready.
He picked out the most “idgaf” and “gaf” fit he could find. He didn’t want Josh to think he put too much effort in his outfit, but he also didn’t want to show up in something he should only wear at home. After that, he used some cologne he only wears on special occasions.
On his way to Josh’s car, he managed to shush his mind and only focus on the boy grinning behind the wheel.
Gosh, he looked ethereal. Tyler wasn’t the type of noticing the signs given, but he knew Josh put extra effort in his appearance today. He saw him from his window too many times not to know he usually wears shorts and tank tops.
But now, he was staring at his friend wearing a shirt and an elegant pair of pants.
That couldn’t be casual. He knew that. And that fact melted his heart.
He hopped next to Josh and they greeted each other. Hell, he noticed a blush on Josh’s face. Jackpot.
The car ride was mostly silent, with a few moments when they sang along with whatever song played on the radio.
Once Tyler realized his feelings must be reciprocated, he felt so happy and free. Nothing could’ve ruined that day for him.
After a while, they stopped at a drive-through to grab some food for the trip. Tyler reached for his wallet, but Josh quickly stopped him.
“No-no. It’s my treat. I wanted to do something in return, and it’s the least I can do.”
“You really don’t have to, I just wanted to help you that day, I don’t expect anything for that.”
Josh looked at him with a grin, and pulled forward to pay for their meals.
Tyler let out a sigh.
“Well, if you insist. Thank you, Josh.” - Tyler said with a smile that could melt Josh’s heart.
A few minutes later they arrived at their destination which was the most breathtaking place Tyler has ever seen. It was a meadow next to a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains.
Tyler’s jaw must have dropped, because Josh let out a slight chuckle.
“It’s quite a scene, right?” - Josh asked.
”Well yes, I’ve never seen any place like this before. How did you discover this?”
”It’s a habit of mine to, you know.. just drive around mindlessly for a few hours. A few weeks ago I ended up here and I thought I’d show you. I’m really glad you like it.”
“How could I not? It’s amazing.” - Tyler was trying to express all he felt. The atmosphere, the fact that he was there with a boy he really adored, the sunset painting the lake in golden. Everything was perfect. He felt alive.
They sat down in the grass and tried to take it all in. The light breeze, the whole scenery, and each other’s company.
It was so peaceful. Tyler forgot about all his thoughts for a minute. There was one thing in his mind. If he was at home right now, doing his little “ritual” he knew exactly what would appear on his piece of paper.
Josh.
Josh, only Josh.
The comfortable silence broke when Josh started talking.
“Listen, I’m not good at this, okay?”
Tyler almost choked on pure air.
”I just really hope I noticed the right signs. When you approached me, I was stunned. But not by the whole situation, only by you. I really wanted to be friends in the beginning, but then I felt something in my chest every time I talked to you. I hope you don’t mind all this.”
Josh noticed the other’s silence after he finished talking. His brain went into full panic mode.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I told you all that. I’m such an idiot, sorr-“
He was cut off by Tyler’s hand on his cheek.
“Hey, Josh. Stop. I feel the same way. You don’t have to be sorry about anything, okay?”
Josh started to calm down, and glanced at Tyler’s lips intended to ask for permission.
But he wasn’t the one who made the move. It was quite the shock for Josh to feel Tyler’s perfect lips on his.
You know what they say, first kisses are often a catastrophe. But for them, it was everything. If they could breathe the air that was surrounding them at that moment for the rest of their lives, they would.
Nothing mattered to them. Nothing at all.
They spent their night at the same spot, talking about their feelings and the fact that Josh might have been “stalked” for a few months before they actually started talking. Well, now he knows.
Tyler knew it was the first time he actually felt free for so long. During these hours they spent together, he could find the beauty in everything.
He knew he had found his purpose. He was lying next to him in the middle of a meadow next to a lake, surrounded by mountains.
There was no place in his mind for frustration or fear. Not even the thought of death.
It felt like his mind consisted entirely of a red-haired boy with piercings and tattoos.
His one and only purpose.