Work Text:
E
enough is enough I dont want to do this anymore. Just let me escape
S
…silence can be so loud sometimes, too loud. I need to escape
C
can I leave? I don’t want this suffering anymore. Years of this torture. I should escape
A
A way to leave? Something called… ESCAPISM? ..i’ll try it. I’ll do whatever it takes to leave, even if it means I escape this plane. Let’s try this escapism
P
“Please talk to us”[a text message was sent to my phone] I turn the music louder to suffocate the feelings and I drive faster. The escaping is working
I
I'm no longer myself, but atleast these feelings are gone. I feel free but not myself. It doesn’t matter I always hated myself anyways. The escapism worked
S
So long my past life, i’m not longer the person who you knew. I’m [placeholder name]. No longer the anomaly
M
My feelings are gone. I learned to silence them, they are gone. Fuck these feelings, at least I won’t feel how I did before
a little context if you care to listen
Finally I get a break from life, or so I thought. I never thought the thing I hoped would save me from all these feelings that have forever plagued me would finally end and let me live the life I always dreamt of. No they used it as a way to corner me and amplify their power. Taking their suffocating feelings and thoughts and making them more relentlessly and sickening. So I had to stop them. Most would say i’m crazy but i’m tried of feeling I just want to live, even if I don’t feel ever again just let me live, so I searched for a way, till I heard of ESCAPISM; the psychological tendency to seek distraction or relief from the pressures of reality. By diverting the mind through imagination, entertainment, or physical activities, individuals can temporarily detach from stress and emotional fatigue.
So I started, I ghosted everyone I loved. Sooner or later my phone has hundreds of unread messages of people asking me if I was okay but they didn’t need to know. In the end they were all going to be forgotten, then I became unpredictable, when people tried to check up on me I wouldn’t be there, no one knew where I was. I changed my name, revamped my style and changed everything about me. I was no longer the anomaly I once was. I became [placeholder name]. Now my feelings, I learned how to shut them down, never felt so connected to the word apathetic. Leaving everything I knew and loved, but also hated behind and started clean.
But sometimes I wonder. I am still the same person on the inside, I never changed i’m still a mistake, still in ruins, still on the verge of tears, i’m still the anomaly I was and will always be. I never changed? I just tried to ruin myself so I would feel different, but no matter how much I change I will always be the mistake… I will ALWAYS be the mistake. Always… and I know this way of coping isn’t healthily but I given up on myself, I don’t deserve anything good, so might as well ruin myself. so i’ll just escape. I’m already in ruins,
you can’t kill something that’s already dead, right?