Chapter Text
As far as first dates went, Tom..or was it Tim? No, no, definitely Tom. Anyway, Tom certainly wasn't the worst date she'd ever had. He'd asked what sort of food she liked. He hadn't made a big deal out of paying for dinner. He opened doors. He was even walking her back to the tower so they could have more time to talk.
That was the problem, Tim didn't have much to say, unless it was related to body building. Don't get her wrong, Darcy was far from unappreciative of a killer bod, but... she lived and worked with geniuses now. She'd kind of developed a taste for topics that ranged beyond merely the best means of “getting gains.” At least they'd made it to the Tower. Now she just needed to get through the inevitable awkward goodbye and she could go upstairs and flop on the couch with Jane and vent about it. “So,” she began, “tonight was nice.”
“Tonight was very nice, so far,” he cut in, leaning towards her with what she assumed was an attempted smolder. “I can't wait to see how the rest of it plays out.”
Oh, lovely. He's one of them. “Eh heh, well. Erm, I plan to get some sleep before work tomorrow. Lotta absent-minded scientists to wrangle, y'know.”
“Oh, I'll make sure you sleep, deeply.” Good lord, did he think that was sexy?
“Okay, umm no. You're not getting invited up, bro.”
“Seriously?” Ted, err, Tom looked like he was honestly surprised. “You're seriously turning this down?” He actually stepped back and struck a pose. Darcy wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or vomit. She chose to laugh, less chance of ruining her shoes.
“Dude, are you for real right now? Look where I live! The fricken Avengers are my housemates. Do you think this,” she gestured to him, “is gonna impress me?”
Tim's expression turned ugly. The hand in Darcy's pocket wrapped around her taser. Just to her left a drink was loudly slurped through a straw.
They both looked towards the sound, greeted by the sight of Loki, dressed in gray sweatpants and an eye-searing neon green t-shirt, sprawled on an outdoor lounge chair. The usual shit-eating smirk was now a full-on grin, paired with a bucket of popcorn in one hand, and a giant soda, being noisily imbibed, in the other.
“Who the hell are you?!” Toby swaggered between them, fists clenched, chest out, and... yep, the one-handed ‘stay back, I'll handle this’ move. Darcy suddenly realized she had a whole new level of appreciation for the state of being non-plussed. Did this guy take a course on Machismo Clichés or something?
“Ah, yes. How silly of me to assume you would be at all aware of the world enough to know who I am. Anyway, don't mind me. Do please continue with your testosterone-induced posturing, I am eager to see how it plays out. My internet is out, so this is the next best thing.”
Loki winked and tossed a handful of popcorn in his mouth. Tom spluttered some sort of gorilla style retort and Darcy wondered if she could roll her eyes hard enough to get them stuck.
“Ugh, seriously, Loki?!” Teddy twitched at the name. Good, maybe she could use that to unsettle him. “Of course you would choose to embody all the most obnoxious aspects of stereotypical American culture. You're such a little shit.”
His only response was further slurping of his soda. How the brat managed to still convey a smirk with his lips wrapped around a straw was beyond her.
“Would you, please, stop treating my life like a daytime drama and get out of here?”
“You're no fun, Lewis.”
“Go!”
He vanished with an eye roll worthy of a seventeen year old in the midst of angstsepsis. Leaving Darcy to, hopefully, shuffle ol’ Tommy off home before he tried to do anything truly stupid. Turning back to him she sighed, “Listen, Ted-”
“It's Tim, and what the hell was that?” He had turned his swagger on her now, trying to herd her toward the wall. She braced her feet and lifted her chin, refusing to back up.
“That was Loki. He's the god of mischief and lies, as well as a thousand year old warrior, who likes to make my life miserable for his own amusement. Now, before you attempt to do something you will regret, may I remind you that I also called him a little bitch and told him to get out of my business, and he did. So, maybe consider that before you decide what you're going to say next.” Her hand tightened around the taser that she had slipped out of her pocket when Loki first distracted them.
For a moment it looked like Tim would indeed continue his running streak of proving that his life's focus had been brawn over brain, and earn himself an introduction to her beloved Lemon Zinger. (Yes, she did name her taser and she was proud of it too.)
“Darcy! Good evening!”
They were again interrupted, this time by Steve Rogers as he sauntered up carrying a truly impressive amount of take-out bags.
“Steve! Hi there.” Darcy was relieved to see the Gentlemanliest of the Avengers. She didn't doubt that she could drop Tim if she really needed to, but she'd really prefer to not potentially trigger a grudge from a giant, somewhat ragey meat head.
“Just getting home?”
“Yep!”
“Perfect, I could use a hand with some of these bags if you don't mind. Can't reach my ID badge at the moment.” He was angled away from Tim and his expression was clearly asking if she needed an out. She could have kissed him, she still might once they got rid of Ted. It might be fun to see if his face turned as red as his suit.
“Oh yeah, no problem. Gimme as many as you need.”
“You're a lifesaver, kid.” He handed her several bags, moving to stand between her and her date as he did so. Swiping his badge, he opened the door and waved her through with a courteous “After you.” He glanced back over his shoulder at Tod, his gaze clearly saying, “Son, just don't."
Darcy tossed a quick, “Bye then!” towards Tim before slipping inside as quickly as possible. Any move he might have made was forestalled by Rogers’ bulk as he blocked the doorway, still holding eye contact. He was apparently enough to finally convince Tim to cut his losses and take himself home.
Darcy watched him go, and sighed with relief, as Steve came in ensuring the door closed and locked behind him.
“You okay, Darcy?” he asked as he retrieved his food from her.
“Boo, you've ruined my fun for the night, Rogers. I wanted to see that oaf dance about on the end of Miss Lewis’ electrodes.” Loki reappeared, lawn chair and all, with an exaggerated pout. Darcy just rolled her eyes, but Steve bristled at his words
“Loki, of course. You would be sitting back and watching while she was at risk. Suppose I hadn't come along when I did?”
“Firstly,” he said in bored tone, “Miss Lewis was more than capable of felling that oaf who was, through some unexplainable mystery, even more of an idiot than my dear brother. Secondly, it would have been the work of a moment to incapacitate him should the taser have failed in its purpose.”
“That still doesn't excuse you-”
“Whoa, Steve! It's okay. I sent Loki away. I had the situation under control. He was just being a pesky shithead like he always is.”
“See if I help you find Tony's secret snack stash again.”
“Oh hush, you know what you are, and we both know you will too.”
“I still don't like it. Darcy shouldn't be put at risk like that.” Steve had set his food down and was now glaring at Loki, arms crossed, looking for all the world like a disappointed schoolmaster.
“Hey now!” Darcy spun towards Steve. “I can handle myself. Just because I appreciate your help doesn't mean I need it every time!”
“You know, I think you may just be correct, Captain Rogers,” Loki said with a Cheshire grin.
“Wait,”
“What?”
“Perhaps you and I ought to work together, for Darcy's betterment, of course.”
“What did you have in mind?” Steve's eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“Hold on, what is happening here?” Darcy stepped between them, trying to diffuse whatever situation was about to pop off, to her own detriment most likely.
“Quite simple,” Loki continued, completely ignoring Darcy. “Anyone who arrives to escort Miss Lewis for any sort of Midgardian courtship activity must first be vetted by one or both of us to ensure he is worthy of her attentions.”
“Hold on now! Can we discuss this just a little more before we go off all white knight on noble steed style?” Darcy’s voice had taken on a slightly frantic note.
“You know what, Loki, that's not a half bad idea.”
“Yes it is, it's a horrible idea!”
“Excellent, then we are of an accord?”
“An accord? Who even says that anymore?! And no, no you don't. There is no accord!”
“You've got yourself a deal.” Steve stuck a hand out to shake and Darcy groaned. Her dating life was so dead.