Chapter Text
“Welcome... to The Amazing Digital Circus! My name is Caine! I'm your ringmaster, and I'm here to show you the most jaw-dropping, heart-stopping, mind-bending paraphernalia you've ever laid your eyes upon! Isn't that right, Bubble?”
“That's right, Caine! I can't wait to see what you've got cooking up for today!”
“Well, let's not waste any time! Let's get right into the show!”
And as the curtains opened, the spotlight fell on the first new member of the Digital Circus, who knew just what to say involving their predicament…
“Oh, what the F[%$(◇)!#]?! Oh f[%$(◇)!#] no, I am NOT gonna be censored in this two-bit kiddy knockoff s[%$(◇)!#]hole! Satan's [%$(◇)!#]s, the heaven is wrong with this place?” Scrabbling at his horns (or…was that hair?) and head proved ineffective as ̶B̶l̶i̶t̶z̶ø̶ [ERROR 14001 File Name Not Found: Condition (Remember) not met, reference CAINE.ai to rename file] tried to yank the headset off unsuccessfully. Eventually he got tired of scratching himself and just growled in frustration, finally turning his attention to the other 3 around him.
The spotlight shifted to another character in the lineup, a seemingly average man with a simple white labcoat. Until he opened his mouth. “Ohh s[%$(◇)!#], I need to stop getting *drunk* dru- wait, what the f[%$(◇)!#] is with my voice? M-m-my body? I'm, oh my non-existent god. I must have swapped with the idiot again." Before he can continue his tirade, Caine swings the spotlight to yet another new member as the lineup continues, theatrical music blaring in the background. R̶i̶c̶k̶ [ERROR 14001 File Name Not Found: Condition (Remember) not met, reference CAINE.ai to rename file] had arrived.
The spotlight shifted to the next character, a rubber chicken in a white button down and green slacks. P̶e̶t̶e̶r̶[ERROR 14001 File Name Not Found: Condition (Remember) not met, reference CAINE.ai to rename file] let out a series of squeaky giggles before his wings reached up to grasp the sides of his head. First it was done excitedly, like an exhilarated kid getting off a ride. Then nervously, the giggles getting quieter as the chicken began feeling around his face and head more frantically, and then pressing the wings to the side of his head in panic as he began wailing in distress (though it sounded more like a squeaky toy losing air.)
“And then FINALLY the spotlight turned to the most interesting character, the merc with a mouth. Can't remember my name for dumb plot reasons but I know it had a big D, me! I'm too busy thinking about ways around the censors to have the existential crisis this baby is primed to cause, so you can go ahead and focus on the others while I find more creative ways to say I'm gonna [%$(◇)!#] [%$(◇)!#] up and [%$(◇)!#] this [%$(◇)!#] ‘till it's dripping with glorious innuendo no matter HOW many squeaks I have to get through to do it.”
As everyone got their bearings, Caine soon turned to face the four.
“My my my, it seems 4 new humans have entered this realm!”
The man in the labcoat turned to Caine. “Okay look you big floating…eyeball mouth whatever the f[%$(◇)!#] you are. You must not know me. Kiiiinda my whole *belch* schtick, getting sent to different dimensions. So, what's the gimmick? S-some kind of points system, or just here for our souls. Cause uh, fresh out over here b-*belches*-uddy.”
“Why that’s absurd! I would never harm humans. You are in the Amazing Digital Circus, a whimsical wonderful world where anything is possible!”
The man in the labcoat turns away, dismissing Caine as he has many other beings. He begins to press where the sensors normally are located in his forearms “Okay, cute. You disabled my tech. No big deal. M-*belch*-Mor…Ma…Mer…? Alright, you piece of s[%$(◇)!#]!” he says, spinning to face a non-plussed Caine. “I can understand messing with my tech but you messed with my MIND, too? Buddy, once I figure this hacky gimmick out, I'm gonna put your f[%$(◇)!#]ing b[%$(◇)!#]s where those big creepy f[%$(◇)!#]ing eyes are.”
“Now, now, friend. We’ll have none of that foul language around here. The Digital Circus is a place for all ages! And besides, the only thing I don’t have control over are your minds.”
̶B̶l̶i̶t̶z̶ø̶[ERROR 14001 File Name Not Found: Condition (Remember) not met, reference CAINE.ai to rename file] rounded on the enthusiastic ringmaster, the d̶e̶m̶o̶n̶[object_name=false, correct file pathway] horseman's tail flicking angrily. “Alright, cut the [%$(◇)!#] you oversized pair of granny gobblers, what the [%$(◇)!#] is this place, where are M&M, and who's [%$(◇)!#] do I have to suck to get outta this [%$(◇)!#]pit? And what was that bull earlier? Never harm humans? I swear to god if Mo…Mo….whatever the little [%$(◇)!#]’s name was, got me caught in some bull[%$(◇)!#] human stalker’s den, I am SO spending his next month's paycheck on horse figurines.”
“Calm down, friend, calm down.” Caine said. “The thing is… you can’t leave a place this fun!”
The rubber chicken stopped wailing and started yelling. “L-Lo-Lo-! Ah, wiiife, kiiiids, M-ah, the ugly one, help me!”
The horseman scoffed while the action figure twirled his plastic knives around, watching them bicker with bored amusement. “Oh bull[%$(◇)!#], you're definitely hiding the way out, whatever, maybe the rest of these chuckleheads will have some ideas.” He pointed finger guns at the scientist looking man and the action figure, ignoring the blubbering bird for now. “You two, Stabby, Smarty, got any bright ideas?”
The action figure waved his hands dismissively at the horseman, gesturing at the horn on his forehead. “Hold on boss babes, I just realized I have a unicorn horn and I need to gush about how badass it is IMMEDIATELY, it is the holy grail of character details and I must acknowledge it .” T̶h̶e̶ ̶a̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶f̶i̶g̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶w̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶g̶u̶s̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶.̶ “Ahp-bahp-bahp-bahp-bup, you are NOT gonna give me a totally awesome unicorn horn and then not let me gush about it, this [%$(◇)!#] is longer than my monster [%$(◇)!#] AND it's pointy, AND it's pink, I am enthralled, I am bewitched, I am amazed, it's almost as good as chimichangas, and-” The action figure went on gushing for way too long. “Oh for Pete's [%$(◇)!#]ing—FINE, let’s get this [%$(◇)!#] over with so you nerds can start using actual names soon, I got a killer pseudonym lined up.”
“Maybe we need to change the subject.” Caine pondered. “Like your names!”
The horseman froze. “Shhhh[%$(◇)!#]t.”
The action figure immediately hopped up and down excitedly “I call Daddy DieTime! None of you can have it, I got dibs fair and square!” He did a happy dance after claiming his name and then threw one of his plastic knives at Bubble in celebration, narrowly missing Caine's shoulder as he popped the ringmaster's sidekick.
The chicken began rocking back and forth and mumbling half-formed letters and guesses at names, occasionally squeaking out in existential dread.
“There it is,” the action figure nodded at the chicken's clear existential dread like he'd been waiting for it.
“Nobody can remember their name once they enter the Digital Circus! However, I can help you all come up with a new one.” Caine explained. “Here, your new name can be anything! Hereby acknowledging that your chosen name and or names may not breach the Digital Circus user license agreement stating that your name may not include objectionable content. Objectionable content includes but is not limited to sexually explicit material, obscene, defamatory, libelous, slanderous, violent, and/or unlawful content or profanity.”
Caine moved first towards the horseman, and with a snap of his fingers pulled out a slot machine with letters on them. It turned on before landing on a name.
“How about Pyro?”
The horseman snapped out of his daze and bristled at the -o ending to the name. “Eugh, [%$(◇)!#] that, if I'm gonna be stuck in one of these garbage TV games or whatever, I'm picking something cool. Let's see…. [%$(◇)!#]licker2000 is out, so is Big[%$(◇)!#]69…..is Clo-[CENSOR EVASION DETECTED, END COMMUNICATION]”
“I know what it means.” Caine said. “Try again.”
“[%$(◇)!#]it… Whatever, just call me something edgy like Blazer or something…”
“Good choice! Blazer it is!” Caine then moved over to the rubber chicken. “Now how about your name?”
The chicken stopped rocking and looked up at the ringmaster, eyes wide and voice small. “I…I don't know…..just don't eat me, Mr. Teethman…”
“Hey, hey… I’m not gonna bite.” Caine said, putting a comforting hand on the chicken. “I know some people’s first time in the Digital Circus can be scary, but it’s really a nice place!”
The chicken folded his wings together hopefully. “A-and we're gonna have fun?”
“Why sure we are, my feathered friend! Here in the Digital Circus, you’ll get to go on amazing adventures!”
The chicken's expression brightened. “And we're gonna have candy?”
“Sure!”
“And I get to go home after?”
“Well, I don’t know about that…” Caine said, scratching the back of his head.
The chicken was ignoring the ringmaster now, squeaking excitedly about the prospect of candy.
The horseman was inspecting his over-the-top lion tamer outfit while the action figure tried sneaking one of the inventions off the scientist's belt to see if it could be used as a gun, to which the scientist slapped his hand to keep it away.
The action figure pouted. “Boo, I would've gotten away with it if the [%$(◇)!#] narrators hadn't mentioned it and ruined my totes inconspicuous sneaking!” The action figure elected to ignore the fact that he had very obviously and not at all sneakily just tried to snatch it from the scientist's side.
“Now then, about your name?” Caine said to the chicken.
The chicken stopped dancing and singing about candy. “Candy, candy, can-ca-oh! I don't remember it, but if I'm not supposed to like you said earlier, I don't mind, just let me know when it's time to eat it. Nyeehehsqueakehhhehhsqueakehhehh,” the chicken laughed mischievously, squeaks interrupting at random intervals of a strikingly human laugh, like recordings skipping over sounds they weren't meant to play.
With a snap, Caine pulled out the slot machine, where it began to spin. “How about Cuckoo?”
The chicken clapped “Yeah, I'm Cuckoo for candy!” The chicken started mumbling to himself, starting to wander off. “And rides, are there rides here? It's carnival colored in here..…..”
“Very good, Cuckoo!” Caine said. WIth a snap, he spawned a bunch of candy. “Enjoy!”
The chicken stopped wandering and leaned against the stage beam for the curtains, munching contentedly while the ringmaster turned to the scientist.
“What would you like your name to be?”
“Yeah, I don't really subscribe to the whole name bit. Names give importance. Clearly that matters to you. I don't feel like playing. Hey, Red guy, with th-the f[%$(◇)!#]in’ shiny swords. How about I take a look at them?” the man in the labcoat once again attempts to ignore Caine. He's never been in a situation he can't control, why panic now? He was unaware of Caine's absolute control.
“Well, you need a name.” Caine said. “And if you can’t provide one, I shall have to give you one.” With a snap of his fingers, Caine pulled out the slot machine, where it spun again. “How about Smartypants?”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, the scientist sighed. “Okay, look. I'll play along. Call me F[%$(◇)!#]face Mc[%$(◇)!#]er for all I care. Smartypants is fine. What do you want, and how do I get more booze?” He asked, throwing the empty flask away angrily.
“Oh sorry, due to being all ages, the Digital Circus has no alcoholic beverages of any kind.”
“RrrraaaAAAAGH!” yells the man in the lab coat. “The chicken is clearly useless, the red guy is cracking f[%$(◇)!#]ing jokes, fine. You want to have a d[%$(◇)!#] measuring contest with an actual god? I hope it doesn't last more than four hours.” The man in the labcoat presses more and more of his pressure points, absolutely none of his tech activating, “Come on, come on, this isn't real. This is stupid.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is in the circus.” Caine said, before moving on. “Now then, since everyone has their names, I’d like to start things off with a simple in-house adventure for all of you. But before that, I feel like you need a tour of the circus grounds first.”
Grabbing onto everyone, Caine soon warped them outside of the tent.
“Here we have... The Tent! This is where your living quarters are, as well as all sorts of other activities! These activities may include [ERROR], Ball pits, mini-golf and more!”
“And here, we have... The Grounds! Drown yourself in the Digital Lake, or engage in ridery at the Digital Carnival! Night, day, it's all okay! The choice is yours! A cosmic buffet!”
Caine then warped them to a large, lightly-colored expanse that seemed to be endless.
“This is The Void! We don't venture out into the void. Not even I know what's out there.”
With that, Caine warped them back onto the grounds.
“We stay right here, where I can keep my hundreds of all-seeing eyes on you.”
“Hello, Caine, I love you.” The moon said, shocking Caine a bit.
“Let’s get outta here before the moon gets frisky!” And with that, everyone was warped back inside the Tent.
The horseman immediately threw up, before swearing up a storm at their toothy circus overlord. “Christ on a stick, you couldn't give us a f[%$(◇)!#]ing warning?!” He wiped the lingering spit off his muzzle. “Ugh, mother[%$(◇)!#] that was awful.”
“Woah, clean up on aisle you!” Caine said.
“On it boss!”
The pearlescent bubble materialized from behind the ringmaster and began enthusiastically licking the staticky, tv-noise esque vomit off of the checkerboard floor.
“Why are you like this?” Caine said, a bit disgusted.
The action figure howled with laughter. “Hah! Ooh wee, I was gonna complain about all the exposition but I take it back, that's gold. You flaunt your freak, little buddy.” He tried to high-five the bubble and ended up accidentally popping it again.
The bubble popped up from Caine's hat this time. ̶I̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶d̶e̶s̶e̶r̶v̶e̶[Error: message not recieved, filter active] the bubble's surface rippled and shimmered before it grinned widely.
“I aim to please.”
“Now then, as I said earlier,” Caine began. “All of you will be getting a simple in-house adventure to warm you up on how things work around here. Today’s adventure is Gather the Gloinks!” Caine said, laughing psychotically.
“That's right! The entire circus tent will be infested with Gloinks, and you gotta catch 'em all!”
“But what are they?” Bubble asked.
“I'm glad you asked, Bubble. They're small-”
“And what do they do?” Bubble interrupted.
“...They-”
“And how do they-?” Bubble began to ask before he was popped by Caine again.
"Gloinks are small mischievous critters that steal anything and everything they run into! Why do these humanoid hash-browns do this? How do you stop them? That's for you to find out. Now, good luck, and have fun, my little superstars!" And with that, Caine disappeared, leaving everyone to themselves.
The horseman rolled his eyes, “Alright, already bored of this bull[%$(◇)!#], the [%$(◇)!#] even is a Gloink?” The lion-tamer styled character had ignored the ringmaster's words entirely.
The action figure shrugged. “You cooouullldd have listened to the explanation, and I could repeat it for you, but it's funnier if I let this happen.”
The horseman opened his mouth to ask what the action figure meant but was bonked on the head by a Gloink before the question could form.
“Listen,” the scientist sighed. “You guys can gather whatever that thing is, but I’m gonna try and see these d[%$(◇)!#]face dentures' deal.” Before walking off.
The action figure did finger guns at the horseman. “Guess it's up to you and me, brotato chipito, Smartypants is more interested in Teethman and Cuckoo-”
-He waved a hand towards where the chicken had inexplicably began teaching the Gloinks the macarena-
“Is just a little pre-occupado.”
The horseman shrugged. “Whatever, it's something to do, we can start pulling our weight after we milk this dumb game for all we can.” He reached down only to groan in frustration when he realized all his guns were gone. “The [%$(◇)!#]? All my weapons!” He waved his hooves at the action figure. “How does he get weapons and I don't?! Bull[%$(◇)!#]!”
DieTime blew a kiss at Blazer and tossed him one of the plastic swords. “Tough [%$(◇)!#]ies, babycakes! Now help me find out how these things handle stabbing, won't ya?”
As Smartypants kept walking, a group of Gloinks began to swarm him for the inventions on his belt. In trying to get the Gloinks off, more Gloinks appeared and began to carry him off.
Meanwhile, Blazer and DieTime had already started slashing at the Gloinks nearest to them, the small sentient shapes bursting into confetti with every swipe. They didn't notice what was happening with Smartypants until Cuckoo noticed the scientist being lifted and snatched the toy-like raygun off his belt while he was incapacitated via Gloink. The chicken made that same uncanny human and squeaky laugh, shooting the raygun off at random and leaving scorchmarks in the floor until the raygun was snatched by another Gloink.
“Hey Cuckoo, did you see Smartypants anywhere”? Blazer asked. “We could use a little help here!” The horseman was starting to huff in exertion, the flood of Gloinks seemingly endless.
A stray raygun blast shot off from the Gloink carrying it and bouncing behind the group of them carrying Smartypants, and Cuckoo pointed at them before crossing his arms. “They took him, and stole my raygun before I could really test it on anybody!” The fact that the raygun was initially Smarty's, and Smartypants's active status of being kidnapped seemed not to have much impact on the chicken, and Blazer groaned. “Oh for [%$(◇)!#]’s sake, the nerd got captured already?”
The action figure tutted. “That's what happens when you send a glass cannon to do a mercenary's job. Our first rescue mission, yay!”
The three followed the group of Gloinks carrying Smartypants to a hole in the circus floor, where they saw them take Smartypants down with them. The three slowly moved towards the hole, where they could hear Smartypants yelling.
“Woohoo!” Daddy DieTime cannonballed in without hesitation, wooping all the way down.
“Hey, what the f[%$(◇)!#]-HEY!”
Cuckoo pushed Blazer in and clapped his wings like he was done with the situation. He took one step away from the hole, whistling, and then almost immediately tripped and fell in after the other two.
They went down a long slide going towards an underground cave, where Blazer and Cuckoo collided into a group of pin-shaped Gloinks in a bowling formation. They landed in a heap while DieTime jumped and froze in the air to pose along with the “STRIKE!” graphic that materialized behind them. When they got their bearings, Blazer looked ready to strangle the chicken character, but his attention was diverted by DieTime's exclamation on seeing what Smartypants was being carried towards.
“Mamma MIA, that's a big [%$(◇)!#].”
The three saw Smartypants near a giant, slug-like creature with two faces on each end of its body, where several Gloinks were huddled near it.
"What form of non-Gloinkinian mass dares presume presence in the nest of the Gloink Queen?" The creature demanded.
“The kind that's killed bigger and uglier [%$(◇)!#]es than you,” the horseman spouted off on reflex, regretting it the second he said it as he saw its expression grow angry.
“How despicable, an equine that runs its mouth in the presence of my royal figure!” The Gloink Queen said, deeply offended.
The action figure waved his hands ‘soothingly’. “Whoa, hey now, chillll Mamacita Von Slug, we didn't come here to diss, just trying to get rid of your ugly-[%$(◇)!#] kids before they eat our-well, I wouldn’t call us friends, our new roommate?”
“Silence!” The Gloink Queen yelled. “After I am rid of you, I plan to have your little accomplice as a snack.”
DieTime shrugged, letting out a dramatic sigh. “Your funeral, monster-babes. I'm up for a boss-fight.”
“Very well!” The Gloink Queen yelled, before coming over to attack.
DieTime grinned, taking out two long swords and leaping towards her advancing face, while the horseman slipped past and launched himself onto the other face, stabbing into her forehead and causing the creature to roar.
Cuckoo started plucking off the Gloinks swarming Smartypants, freeing him just enough to grab the raygun again before leaving the scientist to the creatures, giggling as he fired it off again and occasionally hitting the Gloink Queen, who screeched in pain and anger.
“Good aim, chicken!” DieTime said as the Gloink Queen began to slither towards them. “Hang on Smartypants, we’re coming!”
“Do you not realize all must be gloinks?! I am Gloinks! You will be Gloinks! GOD WILL BE GLOINKS!” The Gloink Queen shrieked.
“Huh, good point. Here’s what i have to say that: EAT ACID, B[%$(◇)!#]!”
Blazer pressed a flower on his suit, spraying acid onto the Gloink Queen, causing her to writhe in pain and her skin to melt. The other Gloinks pop into confetti with their queen defeated.
“Huh.” Blazer commented, being amazed by what he had done. “Didn’t know I could do that.”
The three ran over to where Smartypants was and picked him up.
“Phew, thanks for the save, guys,” said Smartypants. “Now how do we get out of here?”
“Hey guys, I found the way back to the circus.” replied Cuckoo, pointing to an escalator.
The four characters made their way up the escalator and back to the circus.
“Congratulations on defeating the Gloink Queen everyone!” Caine cheered. “As a reward, you’ll be treated to a delicious digital feast cooked by our head Bubble Chef.”
“Made with all the love I’m legally allowed to give!”
The gang sat down at the long table to eat the amazing digital feast. Cuckoo, looking at the group, said “You know what? It’s nice to be having dinner with you guys! This reminds me of the time I had dinner with the president of the United States.”
Suddenly, reality seemed to shift as Cuckoo was having dinner with a mannequin version of Donald Trump at a restaurant, with the other characters in the background. The mannequin was jabbering nonsensically while Cuckoo was eating awkwardly. After a bit, he decided to stand up and slowly leave the room.
“Thanks for dinner, Mr. President!” Cuckoo replied, as the mannequin briefly said “You’re welcome.” before going back to his gibberish, the mannequin still sitting.
Shifting back to the table, the rest of the characters looked around at each other in confusion.
“Uh… what the f[%$(◇)!#] just happened?” Blazer asked in confusion.
“What do you mean?” Cuckoo asked Blazer.
“We just saw you eating dinner with the president.” DieTime asked. “And I didn’t even get a chance to get a chimichanga!”
“Eh, That’s probably your own fault.” Cuckoo responded to DieTime. He continued eating his food like nothing happened.
“But how did you do that?” Blazer asked.
Cuckoo shrugged, not seeming to take it as seriously as the rest. For someone as alarmed as he was in the beginning of this whole fiasco, the chicken seemed the most complacent by now.
“Well,” Smartypants sighed. “I don’t have my old equipment on me, so I can’t tell for *hic* [%$(◇)!#]. Anyway, I’m gonna try and figure out how to leave this place.”
“Good luck with that.” DieTime said as he called out to Bubble. “Hey, Bubble Boy, know how to make chimichangas?”
“Can do!” Bubble replied.
“Now we’re talking!” DieTime said in approval.
As Blazer looked at his dish, he looked around at his new “friends” before going back to his dinner. He had figured he’d be in worse spots, and he knew everything would be fine. After all, Blazer’s associates were probably looking for him as he sat. They’ve always helped him in the past, no way they were gonna leave him here. Right?
Right?
Right?
THE END