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The fluorescent lights in the hospital never failed to give Tsukasa a headache. He doesn't see why a place filled with sick people need lights so blinding. He knows for sure if he were to be sick, this lighting will be the very reason he gets sicker.
But he isn't sick. And the overhead lights aren't the reason his sister is getting sicker either. Though he doesn't know why she is. He has done everything he can, make sure she is always well rested, tell her to take her medicine on time, carefull to not play with her too hard, and always, always, always priorities her.
So when she starts to throw up violently last night, to pair with hard of breathing, Tsukasa dig back into his memories to see where did he do wrong. What did he missed. Why can't he do better. Why can't he be a better big brother. Why can't it be him instead. But the lack of an answer was an answer on itself he supposed.
Saki was so excited to go to school tomorrow, he remembered. Her clothes hanged and her book arranged. Her smile genuine and her breathing steady. She had finally made close friends that care for her, and doesn't mind how she isn't able to join some of the school activities -they would always ask him if Saki can join something and Tsukasa doesn't have the heart to say no, so he would tell them to try to ask their parents instead- and would adjust their plan to make sure Saki feels included.
He thought of how to tell them that she probably won't get to hang out with them this week, their small, crushed faces made his heart ache. He puts his hand over his pajamas, right where his heart beats so much faster and stronger than Saki's. She deserves a strong body too. To play with her friends, to have fun, to enjoy life. The one that deserves a weak body would probably be a selfish person like him.
It has been 30 minutes, Tsukasa notes, the clock ticking on the counter beeps to the 12:00 a.m in dark red. Why does such a dark, depressing, blood resembling colour need to be at the very front of a hospital, he doesn't get it. The conditioning had also been bothering him, seeping underneath his thin clothing, making him shift in his seat. 30 minutes... he had been alone for 30 minutes.
Well, it doesn't matter, Saki need companions much more than him. With both of their parents with her in the emergency room, Tsukasa hopes Saki won't feel lonely, or scared, or cold. He is an older brother after all. If the only thing he can do is hope, than he will do exactly that.
"Tsukasa" an older familiar voice makes its way to him. He looked up to see his father standing just outside the hallway, signalling him to come closer. And he does just that. He stands from his seat and walks towards the man -for some reason he can feel every action he does to get there, as if he wasn't doing it right- and stops right in front of him.
"Is Saki okay?" his voice sounds hoarse, he might be thirsty now that he thought about it. The man looks down at him with a somber smile, "she has to be admitted to the hospital, we need to go back to get clothes for her and mom" he whispers. Worried, pained, scared, Tsukasa can tell exactly how his father feels. It wasn't so different from what he felt anyway.
"Can... can i go see her before we go?" Tsukasa knows that he need to go back with his father, but when he does, his father will tell him that he will go back to the hospital alone and that Tsukasa need sleep to go to school tomorrow and he will be alone in the house for hours until their parents come back right at the touch of dawn to wake him up while pretending that they had been home all this time. He doesn't tell them he had been awake the whole time neither. He thinks it's only fair that he pays back their lies to him with one of his own to them.
"Sure" the voice broke Tsukasa out of his daze, looking back up to the man with similar yellow eyes as him. "She's at the last room on the right, I'm going to get some water" he ruffles Tsukasa's hair before heading towards the vending machine right at the entrance of the hospital. Tsukasa looked back it him for half a second before nearly sprinting towards Saki's room.
Every step he took felt like a mile, maybe he is tired and it would be better to not see Saki hooked to machines and weak and crying and pleading that it hurts and hurts and hurts but he is already at the door. It was left slightly ajar and he could see his little sister lying unconscious on the bed in it.
She looked so weak. Like an ant on the tip of a human finger, one crush and she would be gone. He slowly makes his way inside, they were alone. His mother is probably talking to a doctor or making calls to get off work tomorrow. The smell of the room was the first thing that told him that she is too sick. Antiseptics mixed with vomit and a sick odour that he can always smell from people with fevers. He walks until he stands right at her side, looking at the twisted face she makes even while asleep. She must have been in so much pain.
Carefully, Tsukasa places his palm onto her forehead, the cold of her sweat doing nothing to cool down her raging fever. He sweps away strands of hair sticking to her face. He caresses her skin, the softness of her cheek, the long lashes she has in common with him, the peach tips on her hair also similar to him. He remembered the times people would ask if they were twins, being one year apart does that doesn't it. Every step he took, she only took it a year later than him. But Tsukasa tries his best to not let Saki trail on every path he takes. If a path hurts or is hard, he will tell his sister to take a different one. To try an easier one. That is what older siblings are for anyway.
Still taking on how she looks, he smiled thinking he have seen a familiar face in the mirror. He had only lived for 357 days without her yet he can't imagine another day not having her by his side. They were a pair, together in every decision. They only had each other. Every birthday, every fight, every laugh, every matching stuff they share. They might grow out of it eventually, with hair turning different shades, faces maturing differently and people won't ask if they are twins anymore -deep down, Tsukasa mourns the similarities they shared that aren't as obvious no longer.
He understands the importance of growing up, of course. That's the only thing he had been doing right -people would tell him that he is so mature for his age- and he takes pride it in. But Saki had been growing up too fast, plus, a part of him doesn't want Saki to trail a path he hasn't made sure safe or not. He doesn't want to let her face angry people and tough words alone, because he knows that the world is filled with exactly that. He doesn't want her come home crying to a heartbreak he has no experience to yet. Pain that would leave him helpless to her just because he hadn't gone though it. And Saki had been hitting milestones faster than him. If she can make close friends before him, who knows just how much she will walk pass him in the future. At this point, he might be the one in need of her guidance.
But still, he is an older brother. He will do everything to keep her safe, he's sure of that. Even without knowledge or experience.
A shuffle can be heard from the door, Tsukasa looks back to see their mother pacing near it, distressed due to something he doesn't care enough to ask. They had been like that haven't they. Tsukasa had come across multiple videos online about how it's the parents' first time living as well, so the children shouldn't be too harsh on them. But it's his first time living too. And he was smaller and younger than them. So if he could've done everything in his power to keep Saki safe he sometimes wondered why no one had done the same thing for him.
Realizing his selfish thoughts, he looks back to the small body lying on the bed. "But I don't blame you, of course. You're as important to me as you are to them" he whispers, maybe his words of encouragement can be channeled into her as medicine too, similar to the ones in bags hanging from the stand to his right. "I wish I can take away your pain" he watches as her face twiches under his thumb, slowly he moves his hand to hers instead, fearing that he might jolt her awake. "You don't deserve all of this" the hand in his grasp was concerningly cold "I'm sorry. I couldn't protect you, I'm sorry" Tsukasa's voice cracks, warms streams of tears stains his face that he quickly wipes off. No, he can't cry here, not in front of Saki. He needs to be strong for her.
"Tsukasa, we should get going now" his father calls from the front door. His mother right next to him, disheveled and stressed, maybe he'll reconsider the way things are with them. Maybe he'll make an effort to be honest with them, tell them that he felt lonely and guilty and scared too. Or maybe he will continue with the act of an older brother till the day he dies.
Either way, he still makes his way to the door, letting his father lead the way to the car, blinking as his mother kisses him goodnight and wishes that the fluorescent lights doesn't glare as bright as it does now the next time he visits.