Archive of Our Own

Selfishness was an emotion Tsukasa struggled to get a grasp from since he was a little kid.

And it’s an emotion he feels is hidden beneath his skin. As if his skin is all bruised up, his heart bleeding from everything he is swallowing up, as if he relishes being happy held in this nightmare he forced upon himself.

It’s an emotion he feels right now.

Tsukasa can see himself standing on the top of the stairs without his mother, seeing the woman lay at the bottom of them, notably not moving. He isn’t picturing himself as that little boy either, it’s him now.

“Push their backs—”.

His hands are still out, flat in front of him. He feels numb and the voice is getting louder in his head. Yet he still hears

“Push their backs—”

He can smell the iron slowly staining the step she banged her head on, her neck is at an unnatural angle.

She turns lifeless and he can register frantic footsteps coming from the hall.

“PUSH THEIR–”

His mouth tastes like bile. The memory of how he confidently thought he could never harbor the intent to kill felt so fuzzy, like he was forced to start thinking like that so he could perform well.

That voice sounds like his own, it sounds like a curse.

“I would never do this! I don’t want to do this!”.

“Tsukasa?” his mother calls him name softly and Tsukasa resists the urge to flinch at the hand that comes to rest on his shoulder “You went quiet there for a second, maybe it is a good thing we’re going to bed now too”.

Then she’s alive and well. That’s right, they were just talking before they went to their separate rooms.

“Sorry Mom. I am just a bit tired” his voice comes out softer than he had intended for it to.

He stares at his hands for a moment, then at his mother's concerned face, and he feels conflicted. Today had been a day everyone was able to eat dinner together, the table had been lively. His parents weren’t out on trips related to their jobs, for example his mother for competitions, for the time being either.

His mother had cooked dinner, it tasted so good both Saki and his father had quickly asked for seconds, he felt conflicted holding his spoon.

This warm atmosphere, a shared meal with his dear family, felt like it should go to someone else. It belonged to a boy who had always tried to hold it together, who cooked dinner for at least 3 people with one portion being eaten alone. That boy who hit his breaking point, thinking that this time was finally the time they had truly left him alone.

“Dad and Mom forgot me...They care more about Saki… someone like me doesn’t matter at all! Even Saki forgot me!” the boy had cried, sliding down the front door and crying to an empty house.

He felt his tear ducts threaten to give him away when he looked at his mother laughing at a joke his father told. He had a better relationship with them now that they were home more often. They asked him about his shows, 

Tsukasa is afraid of the day he’ll find a disinterested look in their eyes.

For now, he lets himself lean into the caress his mother gives as she tucks a peach strand of hair behind his ear and says goodnight.

He is still standing there as she enters her shared room and shuts the door.

Tsukasa doesn’t want to force them to suddenly have to make up for what they missed out in his life. Feeling indebted to people was what scared him, it’s what scared him toward the end of his work with Sakaki. Toward the end it felt like he needed to see Tsukasa struggle to feel justified in watching the performance.

Feeling emotionally dependent scared Tsukasa in a way, as if he was becoming prey to other people’s unresolved issues. Why was there an obligation to give other people his time… No didn’t feel like a complete sentence. What reason could he give so the other person would be satisfied?

Was he doing enough for himself, doing enough and giving enough time for Tenma Tsukasa?

All these shallow emotions are sealed up tight in his heart as he reassures his mother that everything was fine before closing his bedroom door. All he does then is go through all his night time routines before ending up in his bed.

All the lights in the house are turned off, but he knows he won’t be able to get to sleep. Ever since the last performance, sleep had not come naturally for the blonde.

Why did he feel like he had to lie? Why did he feel like someone had to need to want his efforts in order for him to put anything into anything? That sentence is a confusing bundle of words, so he tries to reposition his body and force himself asleep.

Loneliness breaks relationships, but it also makes a person desperately crave it all the more. Fostering loneliness isn’t realistic, Tsukasa knew this. He clutches the cover tighter.

Tsukasa is not immune.

He knows well that he has never been above having sudden violent thoughts, but he pushes them away. Violent in a way that makes someone, either him or those around him, a bloodied victim or violent in a way that invades his mind as he thinks of something utterly disgusting. Things he’d never do, suddenly itching beneath his skin and screaming at him to do something convoluted to stop thinking about them.

Overworking was always the easiest method, maintaining a strict routine was another. Recently, it had been keeping up with the exercises so his acting could improve and give the audience a reason to react in awe.

His body tosses and turns as the minutes pass by.

He feels numb, like he wasn’t actually in the world.

Tsukasa was big and small. He was there for himself now.

He may be older and taller now, but he still pictures himself in the past, when he was a kid being walked to school by his father. They’d reach the specific traffic light and Tsukasa’s hand would be holding his as they waited for the light to turn green.

He was a different person when he held Tsukasa’s hand; he’d look down and squeeze Tsukasa’s hand as the boy pointed out the little things around him. It’d feel easy to breathe even though he’d know he was going to get dropped off. Did his father enjoy that time as well, when a little Tsukasa would point out everything he saw in the sky and ask him all sorts of questions? The memories of the little things his parents did for him are harder and harder to remember these days. 

“Why am I suddenly so fixated on this?”.

He wonders why it was assumed he was all grown up and could be on his own before she was even a teenager. Babysitters were expensive, he supposed, and usually he didn’t even notice how much time had passed until he got sick of waiting.

That fear of them not coming back no matter how long he waited always scared Tsukasa, that being amplified that day when he called them over and over with no answer.

“It's not like... they're never coming back, right? It must be that Saki's doing really badly. In that case, I have to... hold it together. Because I'm the big brother” he remembers thinking. He had laid down on the living room carpet when he had tried to comfort himself back then.

Now Tsukasa lies in his bed in a room that feels foreign.

He should feel comforted in his room, he knows the history in the walls, he should know he is safe here. It should be the whole house, a place he’ll come back to long after he’s moved out and just embrace the warmth from only his body height. He is someone who needs to be perfect even if he has nowhere else to go but this room. This house. His highest peak was supposedly here.

But the stairs are outside his door, he can see them ever so slightly.

The home phone is too close, all he’d have to do is go downstairs and he’d be face to face with it. The one he stared at so desperately whenever Saki was rushed away and no one told him what was happening until hours later, the one he stared at when he woke up to an empty house and a sticky note over a store bought pastry on the kitchen counter.

Everyone else is down the hall. They are sleeping. He isn’t.

“This doesn’t feel like my house”.

It’s too close, everything is too close, Tsukasa is alone but he also feels like he isn’t. All he could do was scrunch his eyes closed and grab his hair as if to ground himself.

Everything in his body feels wrong.

He tried to be reasonable, maybe acid reflux was kicking in and that’s what was making the center of his chest feel tight. Maybe he was severely dehydrated and that’s why he felt disoriented beyond belief. This was turmoil, he felt like he wanted to vomit.

“Is there something wrong with me?” the words feel so natural to think about ever since the memories, the side of himself he tried to forget, have slowly started coming back. He doesn’t think there is just because he can’t tell what he is feeling right now. It’s not something strange, he knows that because of this he resonated with method acting and that he should stop thinking about it now.

He was no longer a little boy, he could handle his responsibilities much better now.

A ping sounds out quite loudly to break him out of his spiral.

He sees the name he dreads and throws the phone to the foot of his bed but doing so doesn’t erase how those pale green eyes had crinkled with delight when he first told Tsukasa to think about killing those dear to him. He shouldn’t dread it though, Sakaki was helping him.

Tsukasa finds himself not wanting to dread it but remembering his troupe’s reaction during practice makes him think twice. But at the same time, there wouldn’t be any reward if he wasn’t willing to take any risks.

When he is alone like he is now, he wonders if he can continue to make performances that’ll make Sakaki not ditch him midway again. Tsukasa noted he seemed pleased with their last run of Parade to Heaven, mouth curling in a way that made him think the director was proud of him.

Tsukasa had remained interesting.

It’s almost like Sakaki would prefer to see him view the world as empty rather than be happy. If he cannot adapt, then perhaps he should find a way to love when he feels lonely despite what the world is screaming at him.

To feel like that – like complete utter shit – would he be able to use that experience to forge a deep connection with a character he could play in the future? The building blocks could become familiar with. He was able to capture Rio perfectly when he really got close to his mentality.

Tsukasa won’t give that up even if his mind can’t turn off right now. He felt like he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep unless he turned his mind off from anything that has decided to make itself something stressful “Like erasing my memories of everything until this very minute”.

Tsukasa won’t though because he refuses to forget why he started acting in the first place ever again. Just because he failed to understand things that overwhelmed him or he wasn’t sure how to process emotions as well as others. He can get over this minor setback, he was not completely useless.

The star refused to be. 

If he can’t help himself he should at least be able to help others “Otherwise the people I love will forget about me… those feelings are only useful for method acting… right?”.

“Tsukasa-kun?”.

He slowly lifts his head from his hands, noting how his bangs felt tangled from how he scrunched them up. He sits up and adjusts to the sudden light source emitting from her.

The teal-haired vocaloid smiles at him, glowing brightly in the darkness with a smile on her face. Her eyes are slightly shadowed by her unkept and her white ears look like they are trying not to pin themselves down.

A smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes “I am glad you can see me, Tsukasa-kun!”.

It’s like an undertone of her saying he didn’t forget her “Why?”.

He leans forward and picks up the phone, half-worrying his screen would light up with another notification. It doesn’t, instead Miku stares at him and talks in an almost sing-songy voice “Can you not hear me properly Tsu-kasa-kun? Did you forget to clean your ears today?~”.

Tsukasa doesn’t respond.

“You seem kind of down,” she actually frowns this time before spreading her arms in a theatrical way “Why don’t you come to the sekai?”.

Tsukasa thinks about it for a moment. The sekai was a place he could truly call his own despite knowing that it was meant for his drive connected to other people. Being in the sekai would drag him away from these three walls, from the stairs, from the close proximity of his family, to instead be surrounded by plushies “That’s not a bad idea”.

Miku looks delighted.

“Wait, Miku!” he calls out to her before she vanishes. She hasn't made any move to leave “Yes, Tsukasa-kun?”.

“Can you… bring me into the sekai?” Tsukasa asks almost nervously, as if he refused to admit that he didn’t want to unlock his phone.

Miku stares at him with a look of resignation before she smiles once again “Let’s go then!”. Instinctively, he closes his eyes as he is encased in the light, feeling the familiar tingle of colorful triangles encasing his entire being.

But something felt off.

Tsukasa is thrown into darkness instead of the comforting scenery of his sekai during the night with all its lit up attractions “Miku?”. He never liked the uncertainty that the dark brought, to the point he never closed his curtains once getting into bed so the natural light of the moon could ensure nothing was pitch black.

There is only one slash of color here.

There is someone with a tweaking eye in front of him, there’s paint splashed over his clothes and he wears a peculiar heart-shaped pin on his vest. His hair looks disheveled and he is the only other thing he sees in this darkness.

“You never quit do you?” he laughs “Well I suppose if you want to die for a cause, there isn’t any time like today!”.

Tsukasa wants to take a step back when his deranged look-alike starts getting up in his personal space.

“Who are you? Why am I here? Where is Miku?” Tsukasa fires out all these questions when he feels hands grip his shoulders “I am you”.

He feels himself shiver.

“Don’t be so ashamed, you’ll have a superstar resume to look back on” and Tsukasa feels himself being pushed back, instinctively closing his eyes as he falls right on his ass.

He feels water underneath his hands but the floor is solid, it’s inky when he looks down where his feet are planted. When he looks up, he is surrounded by people with blonde and peach hues in their hair.

“What…?” he hears himself say involuntarily, and he gets a scoff in return. 

The one who scoffed stands out in the darkness, the jewels on his crown assures this look-alike was a king. Red, royal blues, and gold allow him to show pride in a way Tsukasa wonders if he could understand.

“My wish is to help the people” the king spreads his arms “I want to be loved in return and I am!”.

The unspoken message is clear and Tsukasa wants to argue he is loved. But why was he suddenly here, why were all these people that looked and sounded like him suddenly here?!

A man dressed in jester attire smiles cynically next, throwing an arm around his shoulders “You should know that by now! You don’t want to offend people or annoy people or try to destroy how people see YOU!”

The jester seems fearless and perhaps that’s why his words strike so well. It’s like the world was a stage to him constantly, the lines blurring in a way Tsukasa had felt ever since he played the cursed prince on stage.

The one he notices standing in his peripheral vision, hair in an unkempt long ponytail and a grey cloak that covered his entire body. His eyes were the emptiest present in the whole crowd and Tsukasa could understand, he had been that prince. In a world of uncertainty, one that was made familiar to him at the thought of losing himself and his troupe in one go.

“Why can’t you feel anything without feeling threatened half the fucking time. You don’t need to fuck yourself over! Just try hard to be good ha ha!” a voice as mean as the jester’s joins him. Someone who looked naive despite having such devilish red eyes, like an assassin hiding in plain sight, his clothes clearly made of the finest cloth for the time period he was from “You aren’t the worst but you aren’t the best either!”.

Tsukasa felt ambushed and he couldn’t understand why he had been thrusted into this situation.

But… he’d rather feel like this again to stop any more doubt that what he was doing was right. He’d grieve to know how to portray it and he’d accept that time was just something fickle he couldn’t control.

These thoughts make his heart ache, like he was someone so shameful that he shouldn’t even think anymore. Nothing from the future, no mention of the past he forgets so often, and no living in the present. He can try to be as good as he wants but the door that has opened cannot be closed.

The last person he sees is someone he feels like is an old friend.

The pianist, Tsukasa just knew that’s who he was, doesn’t utter a word but Tsukasa sees how he grips the papers in his hands tighter upon hearing his counterpart’s words. He looks the most fearful of them all but in a way Tsukasa understands. He looked delicate compared to everyone else, reserved. The cape fluttered behind him, his cap secure on his head, fingers perfectly resembling those of a pianist.

“What do you want to say?” he wants to encourage him but someone else cuts him off but the words are hard to hear.

This doesn’t feel like his sekai, this feels like a purgatory. He wanted to go back to the world designed for him and others, he wanted to go back to the place that taught him lessons he hadn’t learnt from his parents, the ones he was supposed to have learnt.

Tsukasa doesn’t want his sekai to start reflecting the outer world – reflecting a place he is not in control of.

Suddenly it's hard for Tsukasa to think people want to talk with him just to talk with him. Would it be safer to believe something imaginary than face the reality of rejection?

The jester whispers that he can let go, to let it out. He hears the jingles on his jester hat as he is pushed forward again. He stumbles on his feet and he hears the man with the dulled eyes call out “You can push forward! What are we if we cannot reach above and beyond? Take that envy and do something with it!”.

Everyone here is mocking him, the feelings he felt when he was losing himself on stage as William, Torpe embodies the child that was wailing at the thought of being alone. The only difference is that Torpe had the stars for comfort and Tsukasa only had all the lights he turned on in the house.

The assassin mocks his thoughts, the roles he thought he had nailed down as Tenma Tsukasa ”Why don’t you be a man? You’re the big brother, do you think you deserve to have felt like that in the past? Even so, you’re not a little boy anymore, you’re not weak”.

He tilts his head and smiles at him in a way that can clearly be interpreted as looking down at home, he’s relishing in seeing Tsukasa like this “It’s fine if you are weak but this pity party is ridiculous. Kick it back down”.

It wasn’t ridiculous! He was grateful this technique was introduced to him, it made him a better actor! He had to keep going so he could continue to repay all the people who had helped him grow into a better actor.

Someone who he could look at in the mirror and see someone who deserved to stand on stage like his idols. He’ll become the kind of star he wants to be, the star he wants to be able to properly envision one day.

There was no end to his journey.

Tsukasa feels surrounded in a cruel way, he can’t get out.

“What right do I have to stand on stage with all of them right now? Maybe I should be comfortable where I am with all these thoughts and hide here…”.

“Tsukasa, get your head out of the clouds” the king demands, his hand spread proudly against his cravat “It’s rude to do that when people are talking to you”.

“There are plenty of people like yourself out there. What makes you so special?” the assassin mocks him yet again.

That’s right. There was incredible talent out there that someone like he was able to see firsthand, he’s met incredible actors like Asahi and Seiryuin who are leagues above him.

“Don’t look away, you wanted to be on that stage,” the prince mutters “It’ll forever be beyond your grasp, so at least look at it head on. Powerless, useless”.

“Such a big coward, am’rite~” the jester sneers, giggles barely concealed by the hand against his mouth he so half-heartedly put there.

The shadow agrees, his laughter joining in with the manic giggles “Quite pathetic”.

Torpe merely looks at him with this look of pity, as if he were watching a newborn fawn struggle to stand on its own. Maybe he was struggling since Tsukasa had been running and running and running–

And he’d never be able to catch up.

He then spots Miku, whose hands are placed on the shoulders of someone considerably smaller and younger than her. A boy with messy blonde hair and in a blue sweater with a little white bear stitched into the side.

When his younger self stared at him, something akin to hatred in his eyes, he felt as if the past was staring at him and demanding he take accountability.

“You forgot” the kid accuses him “Why did you forget?!”.

“No one was there for me!” he screams, anguished in his voice “Mom, dad, Saki! No one told me they loved me!”.

In these moments when he felt his lowest, no one had been there to object his words, maybe that’s why the resentment started festering.

“No they did, they still do!” he pleads but how on earth was he supposed to explain anything that was happening to a kid who had the right to question everything that was happening. He didn’t understand anything more than the fact that his sister was suffering.

Life felt tragic to this little kid, this kid who felt like the future was dark. Tsukasa knew he was wrong to feel pity, sorrow, for this kid. But maybe they were both wrong in this situation. His heart was bleeding again.

Miku isn’t looking at him and his younger self is spouting more and more insults at his face. He could see all the other versions of himself standing there, each staring at him.

Tsukasa hates the attention, he despises this attention.

“Tsukasa”.

“You!”.

He needed to stay calm, to hide his cards, his mind yelling that no one was watching him. He couldn't even do that.

“Tsu-ka-sa!~”.

“Tsukasa-kun!”.

Tsukasa can’t see, it’s like he’s blind. He feels like he is sinking and he feels inherently wrong in a way he can’t describe – in a way he doesn’t want to describe.

“Mi…ku…?”.

“Tsukasa-kun?!” a voice that is not his own cries out, breaking the illusion he finds himself in, making the Miku who smiles so sadly his younger self fade as he wakes up on the bench.

How did he fall asleep in the sekai? He didn’t remember doing so, he just remembers the sensation of coming here to feel off. Warm in a way that makes someone uncomfortable, as if someone has a fever that they are not doing anything to bring down.

“Is that why Miku invited me here? Did she make that dream?” he had these questions but Miku wasn’t around.

“Tsukasa-kun…?”.

Emu is the one who woke him up, both hands on his shoulders, much more grounding than that version of himself splashed in paint. Her eyebrows are furrowed.

She’s wearing her pyjamas, a two white set consisting of a camisole and shorts decorated with strawberries, while Tsukasa is still in the set he wore when he went to bed last night. He slept most of the day in them, he was the only one in the house for most of today but the fact the evening was so lively in comparison, no one questioned him at dinner.

He couldn’t tell if he was grateful for that or not.

Emu is waiting for him to answer her and he just lets a sleepy mumble that's incomprehensible “Msnewnf”.

The pink-haired girl drops her hands back to their sides. “Ha ha, Tsukasa-kun seems so exhausted now too. At least you fell onto a bench this time” she’s trying to make a joke as she sits down but it seems that moment where he fell backwards in the sidewings onto all of them had been a passing thought.

It wasn’t unlike Emu, she truly cared for all of them.

His brain refused to remember what happened. There was a different image; he imagined himself not being caught and slamming onto the floor. He’d get a searing pain in his head like a mind-splitting headache.

He’d struggle to breathe and his vision would go blurry—

“No no, not now,” he forces the thought to disperse “It would only be useful for me to experience that if I could use that experience and I don’t think Rui is going to write anything in this show’s genre any time soon”.

“I was looking for anyone here in sekai but I was only able to find Len-kun, Rin-chan, and Meiko-nee sleeping in this bigggg pillow fort” Emu smiles “Luka-nee wasn’t there, though so maybe she’s in an even more magnificent fort with missile defense weapons that launch when you press on a pressure plate outside the swamp of gummy crocodiles!”.

“Is that even possible?!” he’s a little shocked but he supposes he shouldn’t be.

She throws her arms up “Hehe, someone so shiny would be able to let the most magnificent things happen here! Anything can be made straight from a storybook”.

“From a storybook, huh?” Emu can easily picture violence in a way that can be depicted in stories, not because she couldn’t handle horror films of such grotesque nature, but because her brain wasn’t wired to see the world in such a negative light.

He wasn’t looking down on her, in a new and twisted way, he envied her.

Those thoughts have always been there; he cannot deny it, but the fact it was seeping into his roles now was making it harder. Tsukasa was no longer able to see himself as an undefeatable hero slaying robots to save the day, his perception of violence had changed that. He always thought such intrusive thoughts when he least expected it, but now he knew he was capable of making those thoughts happen.

It would give him more material to work with, allow him to dig into emotions he may not have experienced firsthand to make the result even better. All to make his performance more memorable, he’d use the imagination Emu praised.

“I am surprised you aren’t asleep since our free time is disappearing tomorrow” Tsukasa says.

“It is assignment week soon for Miyamasuzaka” Emu whines “And it’s all group projects!”.

Tsukasa laughs lightly “It gets worse in your third year, all the teachers get together in a meeting to make sure all your important deadlines are on the same day and due at the same time”.

She nudges his side “That’s not true!”.

“It is!”.

“You and Rui-kun are already third years! I think I’ll go all harahara the moment I start third year, just thinking about it makes my head spin” Emu sighs happily “I want to get back to the stage already!”.

“You’ll survive but I agree, our last show’s training was pretty intense,” Tsukasa replies.

“I am just glad we are all going back to before the performance now!” she continues to smile as if to convince herself that it was true which inherently worries Tsukasa. His act seemed to be putting her off, not at ease at all “I mean it was a success but it was very stressful!”.

It had been a few days since Tsukasa last stood on that stage.

Desires, fears, achievements, disappointments – what did it all amount to when all this is said and done? He cannot turn back time but he could deliberately lock his heart away to avoid any more concern.

His heart was behind an unpicked lock.

“Are you just sitting here because you wanted some quiet time?” she quietly asks.

Tsukasa finally moves away from looking at the ferris wheel “Hmm, I suppose so”.

“C-could I ask you a question then!” Emu did look like she wanted to say more to him, even back then, so he tells her she can.

“You said after everything that Sakaki-san had to leave midway through… was that really the case?” she poses the question while looking at her twirling thumbs “It’s just cause I always felt like he was in the crowd, he wasn’t out of town or anything”.

Sakaki stepped away and left him alone. The person who talked to him as a director to offer him help just up and went. “He liked the idea of you more than he liked you as a person, which made me feel sad for you” Emu adds.

He laughs to himself “It did feel a little upsetting but it was fine!”. 

In reality, since he was already ignoring everyone, that moment on the street is where he lost the last person he could talk to. He felt sad when it happened because he was happy before when Sakaki praised his work and saw potential in his work. Sakaki said that he could become an actor no one will ever forget, even after Tsukasa was like… that.

That hope placed onto him made him feel exhilarated. 

“In the end, it was not for naught, don’t you remember how immersed the audience was?” he smiles at her and recalls the wonder she had in her eyes when he played Peter Pan at the end of the workshop he participated in. She looked as if she truly believed he could become a world future star that could always put a smile on someone’s face.

That play seemed so long ago on a stage he hasn’t seen in a long time.

Their time as ambassadors for Phoenix Wonderland seemed even longer.

“Of course I do” Emu remarks “How could I not? It doesn’t even matter what performance we are doing as long as we give it our all!”.

Tsukasa nods “And we all need to take risks sometimes but fret not Emu! I know my limits and how to exceed them to make the most glorious of shows!”.

“That’s right” the pink-haired girl is looking at him like he is already a star but…

She doesn’t look like she is fully okay with him, as if she finds how he is thinking is concerning. But Sakaki didn’t find it alarming, he gave him validation even when Tsukasa didn’t feel okay. Tsukasa couldn’t help but admire him because of his status in the directing scene, yet he still didn’t want to see his name pop up in the LINE notification.

WonderlandxShowtime and his family were places he wanted to belong with people he didn’t want to forget him. It felt deteriorating to ask them not to talk to him but it worked out in the end.

And now everything was supposed to go back to normal. He convinced himself it had gone back to normal – after all he could see and hear Emu right now.

When he looks at Emu, he sees a big difference between them. He’s seen how she smiles even when she doesn’t feel an ounce of happiness, she smiles so she doesn’t worry anyone. Emu had claimed that Tsukasa hides behind having to keep up being a star, even when it hurts, even when he feels like everything is bringing him down, he has to be a man.

“I want you to... take the life of someone precious to you”.

He still remembers when Emu tried to imagine the same things he was trying to connect with Willaim but with her brothers and sister, her face was so unbelievably distraught.

Emu was the first person to invite him to a stage – the Wonderstage that had become near and dear to him. So he feels as if he cannot let her see him like this, he doesn’t want anyone to see him being so selfish. He remembers expressing how he felt at ease talking with them, that wasn’t ever going to change.

So he doesn’t want anyone to be concerned any longer. He’s as fit as a fiddle.

“I keep worrying you,” he places his hand on top of hers, the one lying flat on the bench “I am sorry Emu”. Everyone in their troupe is working so hard toward their dreams, he doesn’t want to be the one to hold everyone back, his pain is only for him to carry.

Tsukasa smiles at her “You do not have to worry anymore! We are in this together”.

Emu smiles back, relief sneaking its way on her face “We always are…Do you remember what I said?”.

“Heh, how could I not?”.

She had said those words in a way he couldn’t deny that’s what she meant 

It’s like deep down, Emu knew he wasn’t just acting anymore. She did the only thing she thought would get through to him at that moment, and now that the moment had passed she was unsure what to do.

“But I want you to remember this. We won't forget! No matter what happens, I’ll absolutely, positively remember you forever, Tsukasa-kun!”.

Maybe that’s why her words resonated with him so much at that moment, like he had only just remembered that the possibility of being forgotten by those he loved could become a reality at any second.

Part of him never wanted to consider it.

He wanted to be a safe space for Emu, for his sister, for Nene and Rui. It felt wrong that he was seen in such a vulnerable state, unused to the roles being fully reversed. Other people have it worse than him, his problems cannot be dumped onto other people. In that moment when she first promised she’d never forget him, he had to be pulled out of his head. He didn’t want that.

“We never had to worry about you, you always knew how to take care of yourself”.

Honestly, when he first heard his mother say that he felt like something broke but then he realized he should be proud of it! He was a capable older brother and son, he didn’t need to be pampered all the time.

He had such ugly little feelings, one wrong move and it’d turn into bitterness he’d only be disgusted at himself for.

Emu pauses her hand, one that was clearly reaching out for Tsukasa, “Are you going to bed soon, Tsukasa-kun?”. He hadn’t even noticed she was trying to get his attention again.

“I will” he replies, ruffling the top of her head “We’re off from school tomorrow, so I can sleep in if I stay up too late!”.

Emu gasps “What about your beauty sleep?!”.

He gives her a harsher ruffle “Oi don’t tease me! My beauty is not to be trifled with!”.

She laughs and removes his hand from her head “Alright alright! Nighty nighty, Tsukasa-kun!”.

As she leaves he bites his lip to stop himself from saying anything else, even though he has no clue what he would say. Should he ask her to stay? But for what? His own comfort? He can’t, so he watches her vanish in an array of colors after pausing The World Hasn’t Started Yet.

He closes his eyes for a moment, his heart calming down from the sudden spike in restlessness from before.

When he opens them, Luka is standing in front of him “Good evening, Tsukasa-kun”. Her whole demeanour is gentle, welcoming, and her sheep ears are held backwards. She’s relaxed but Tsukasa feels as if she had been watching him for a while.

Tsukasa responds “Luka, I see you aren’t sleeping this late at night. Are you waiting for someone? If you were looking for Emu, she just left”

“Mmm, I guess we’ll never find out why” she doesn’t give away any hint that she is about to doze off, her voice void of any sleepy murmurs “I have a question for you Tsukasa-kun”.

Tsukasa waits for her to ask.

“Do you regret anything about this performance?”.

It’s amber eyes that are losing their light that look at him instead of azure ones, expecting an answer.

He thinks because he isn’t sure but he also doesn’t want to keep her waiting “No”. He could immerse himself even more, he truly found himself wanting to.

And he knew the vocaloid in front of him could sense his ambition.

Luka smiles and spreads her arms “I thought so”. She doesn’t ask for any more elaboration, which he is grateful for. She smiles, he feels her smile pressed into his hair, he finds himself unwilling to let go. This quiet calm he feels with her is the same with Kaito, someone who guides him.

Suddenly he thinks about how he hasn’t gotten his parents anything for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day since he was in elementary school. The meaning had disappeared. But here he is, feeling the warmth of a shared hug between them from the past in this current embrace.

This hug seems ripped out of that memory that Sakaki first told him to capitalize on. Once Saki’s condition had stabilized, surely she was shocked to see all the missed call notifications crowding her phone screen. He likes to think so, because when she got home by herself she had fallen to her knees and hugged him hard.

“Mom, I thought you forgot about me!”.

“I’d never forget about you, Tsukasa. Mom is so sorry!”. 

At the time he felt relieved, he had cried out of confusion and from his conflicting emotions when he heard the front door open with the frantic call of his name. When either of his parents came back during the times they contacted him, he'd get a side hug and some attention before they passed out or had to do work.

His mother squeezed him hard and kissed the top of his forehead. Tsukasa felt warm and safe during that moment – and that feeling was present while wrapped in Luka’s arms.

His parents loved him. His parents loved Saki. There wasn’t any favouritism to either of them, it just happened that they needed to focus on his sister more because of her health. Not because she was more talented or more loveable – it was just the circumstances.

His fingers squeeze a little harder into Luka, his fingers brushing against the yellow poms on her purple sleeves. He hadn't gotten up. She hadn’t moved to sit down when she welcomed him into a hug.

“Ne, Tsukasa-kun, do you want to hide away for a while? I know the perfect place here in sekai” Luka breaks the silence as she slowly lets go of her embrace. Tsukasa finds himself reluctant to let her go but her proposition sounded like what he needed right now.

There were no stairs in the sekai. There were no notifications. He could hide here forever if he so desired.

Tonight he just wants a few hours. He’ll go back eventually.

As they walk, she lets him hold her hand. Suddenly he feels like that little boy again and swings their joined hands together. He can’t hear anything aside from her humming, her feet basically float off the ground.

He’s a terrible person. He just has to keep pushing forward.

Luka drags his wounded heart away from the curse he had been entrusted with.

-----------------------------------------

“...If so, I have to wait it out like a big brother! If I don't stay strong here, everyone else will worry!” a young boy says these words despite how they echo in the empty house and when Tsukasa looks in the mirror he sees that boy posing.

The mirror version of him will not smile back but instead force him to confront emotions that drove him crazy into thinking that this image will be forgotten and he’d  have no place to return to.

He looks away from the mirror and gets ready to go to school after a long weekend and extra public holiday. Their troupe had decided together to take a break from the stage, to recharge for the week.

It’s making him feel more cranky. He instead tries to put the restless energy into anything else which ends with him making decent bento boxes for him and Saki “I can’t believe I forgot to go shopping!”.

When Saki comes down the stairs before his parents, he is a little relieved “Good morning Saki!”.

He hands her the box he just finished, already wrapped up in a cloth for her to easily place in her school bag “Morning Brother! Hehe next time I’ll get up earlier than you to make you the best bento ever!”.

They exchange pleasantries that make the one-sided tension all the more clear.

Her body language gave away how she wanted to say something else to him. All she ends up doing is thanking him for the bento box and telling him she wouldn’t be back to the way later because of a live performance.

He knows the venue is far but that’s about it. He hadn’t gotten much details since she likely would have told him when she first got them. Tsukasa hates the fact he can act indifferent at times and Saki was not at fault for anything. She had looked so startled when he didn’t fix his face when she came home during the week leading up to the performance.

She wasn’t used to this side of him and Tsukasa couldn’t blame her.

All she wanted was to share a cake with him that day. He told her not to talk to him.

What kind of brother was he? It’s fine, no one knows. Not Saki, not his parents, not any of his friends.

If he hadn’t had proper awareness back then and had all those bottled emotions of hate blow up at the wrong moment it would have been a disaster. Saki was struggling, their parents were doing everything they could for their daughter who they didn’t know would be okay. 

A kid who struggled being left at home alone was nothing compared to a kid who wondered if she wouldn’t wake up the next day. He’d never confess any of this to Saki, he’d never want to jeopardize her comfort because he failed to omit his silly feelings when she was going through one of the worst periods of her life.

So why was he scared to be around her? Why does he want her not to go near the stairs or on the side of the road? What right did he have, both now and back then, to be more terrified.

Those thoughts always prompted worse ones and suddenly the stairs are the worst thing in the house.

The next time his mind comes back to him, he is on the rooftop of Kamiyama. 

The sun was beating down on him, obviously since summer was being welcomed. The breeze is welcome and he feels it on his bare arms since he wasn’t willing to wear his usual cardigan and uniform jacket combo in this weather. His back is pressed against the rooftop’s railing and his bento is sitting in his lap, untouched.

He can hear his juniors yelling as they play football, he can hear the chirps of the birds flying past the school building.

And he can hear Nene ripping open the package of her sandwich she purchased on the way to school today. She had decided to join him for lunch since there was a decent amount of shade not being stolen from her up here. Emu would have likely joined if she didn’t have to lead a group project and Rui was working diligently with the gardening committee.

They’ve talked a few words when Nene came up here but not much. She had told him to at least check his damn phone. He had been on his phone before their last day; it was just after his little stumble.

He had a conversation with Bakuno about their performance when he came to see it on the second day, a small comment from Kijima too, and other messages relayed through the other troupe members. He didn’t mind any of them, in fact, he relished how people enjoyed their work on stage, it reminded him of all the comments the audience gave on the last day of the performance. He felt a little sad about the unread invitation from Asahi, but it was unnerving to see himself being left on delivered these past few months.

Sakaki’s made his skin crawl but that wasn’t the worst thing, such a renowned director messaging him was nerve-racking.

The same man, an adult in his late 30s Nene had pointedly reminded him one day during their practice, that he shared a memory where he was quite vulnerable with, and told him it wasn’t enough for his own method acting. He, who had not hidden that his memory wasn’t the best, that connecting with certain emotions the roles he played was not his strongest suit, was seen as needing to despair so profoundly by a renowned director.

To get better, to become a true star.

Those disturbing feelings he got when he stood in front of that man right after finishing all of their recent shows came back when he saw his name’s characters displayed on his phone.

But he was 18, wasn’t he an adult as well? So it shouldn’t be a big deal. He is sure Sakaki can attest to his growth. The next time they meet, Tsukasa will be even better.

He pumps his fist at the thought.

“You thinking about the show?” Nene asks him while finishing the last of her sandwich.

He nods “When am I not?”.

She laughs at that “You are a show nut through and through”.

“I don’t think anyone could claim my spot!”.

And the silence returns.

When he hears her mutter an encouragement to herself, he knows that wasn’t how she wanted that to go.

“Alright, I am just going to say it because it’s going to come off as awkward regardless” Nene finally looks like she has been wanting to say, “Has Sakaki-san messaged you? Or have you been in contact with him? I know you’ve only just skimmed our group chat just now”.

Tsukasa’s answer is brief to her second question “One conversation only”.

And his reply was kind of dry but not in a way he hopes Sakaki gives up on. That would be a lost opportunity “You too, huh?”.

The sage-haired girl frowns when he says that “Tsukasa, you’ve been barely answering messages on your phone for the past week, even if the show ended a few days ago”.

“Ha ha, I guess I’ve been rather disconnected from it recently, haven’t I?” he tries to laugh it off.

Nene has always been more straightforward, which really isn’t a bad thing in the slightest. She cares for her friends and she doesn’t want anyone to say bad things about them without knowing anything about them.

Nene may not wear her heart on her sleeve but she won’t take belittling from anyone.

And like him, he feels Nene focuses more on the present times compared to the future.

Nene rubs her arms “I got a bad feeling about him from the way he was acting even before he suggested… that… he kept cutting you off when you were giving words that were too kind to him”.

Tsukasa doesn’t remember that from the first time he met Sakaki.

“No adult should be doing this Tsukasa, even if he is someone you view as talented” Nene says and Tsukasa doesn’t respond to this.

The first time he saw him, he was a guest judge that looked as if he was lost in the atmosphere their troupe had created at the Center Theatre. Rui had made a passing comment after the event once he recognized the director, but now Tsukasa worries that the man had honed in on his act more than the troupe’s hard work as a whole.

“But he made me better right?” Tsukasa asks her “I mean you saw it up front when we were on stage together”.

Why does she look a bit sadly when he prompts her to respond happily? They did amazing! Her Ameilia was impressive! It makes Tsukasa feel unsettled, it shouldn’t because Nene trusts him.

“I think your performance was amazing for William… to a certain extent” Nene begins almost hesitantly, but she makes sure to keep eye contact with him in a way that makes Tsukasa a little nervous.

“Tsukasa, your hands during that scene where you got so lost in your character” Tsukasa stiffened at that observation “What would have happened if you got so lost that suddenly they were doing a lot more than just encircling my neck?”.

“What would have happened?” he hadn’t thought about that before but suddenly he’s thinking about it. 

Tanned hands clutching pale skin underneath them, the faint thump of an accelerated heartbeat as the situation spirals out of control. Skin slowly turns red as her body starts thrashing less and less underneath him.

They were not on stage, they were not William and Ameilia, they were currently on the rooftop as she gasped for air being restricted.

Nene’s voice struggles to say his name as she claws at his hands which only tighten around her neck more. Nene was strong but he was considerably stronger. Her eyes panically dart around for anyone who could help her only to have the realization sink that they are the only two people on the roof right now.

He feels numb even as he shoves the thought to the back of his mind, desperately trying to ignore it.

Tsukasa stares at his hands again, hands that are dangerous. He opens and closes his hands, as if repeating the motion would suddenly make the way they slightly tremble disappear.

He could overpower her right now. He could make that scenario happen in real life this very instant.

The sudden thought terrifies him, why the hell is that even passing through his mind.

Nene is a good person yet he imagined hurting her. Emu was kind yet he brushed her off. He hasn’t had a proper conversation with Rui since he’d seen him staring off on the stage wings, one or two texts didn’t count.

He needs to stop asking anything from people, then maybe people would stop being scared of him.

“Tsukasa?”.

Nene’s hands stop him from continuing, lightly placing themselves on top of his open palms. Hers are naturally more dainty and her fingernails are painted black compared to the light blue Tsukasa prefers.

Tsukasa wasn’t expecting that.

He hears her mumble about how they really underestimated everything still before she sighs in frustration “Sorry, Tsukasa”.

He tilts his head “Why are you apologising?”.

“I don’t know, you seem reluctant to talk to me… I just want to tell you that it’s your life and I think it's okay if you’re not alright for a bit” Nene smiles almost somberly “Don’t stonewall all of us though, you’re not allowed to do that or you’ll face Emu’s wrath even further”.

“Ah, Emu must have told them about our meeting the other night” he feels guilty “I need to apologise properly to her. She’s a great friend”.

He decides to open up a little, but not in a way make it seem like he was oversharing, like he was forcing her to worry about him “Some days it feels hard to not hide from what’s bothering me”.

Giving a little bit will surely put Nene at ease… right?

Nene nods “You can’t pause your life, trust me I know more than anyone”.

He didn’t know if he had the right to even be complaining, “I feel stuck”.

“Like right now?” Nene prompts him.

He clarifies “No… in the past. But I have always felt like that”.

Tsukasa just continues “Maybe, I miss having no responsibilities. The wonder of the dreams without knowing the scary journey to get there, of being an actor. I wanted it so bad and then I forgot why I wanted to make the world mine”.

“Is this coming from the exercise Sakaki-san had you do?” Nene asks.

“Maybe. Now I’ve been thinking about when I was a kid a lot because of that” Tsukasa sighs “I always knew where my parents were until they didn’t contact me. I had this degree of certainty that was taken away and now I am struggling to look at my parents”.

“But I’ll get over it!” his smile is brilliant at this moment.

“Tsukasa…” Nene looks as if she isn’t sure how to approach him.

“Honestly, I just want life to stay the same with our troupe but I am graduating this year aha! And soon I’ll be speaking of my highschool years and the times Rui was constantly trying to strap me to a rocket with Emu’s help as you watched us as if it were a comparable to a prison” he then thinks “But I’ll struggle to move on, accept that everything will change and I’d miss everything”.

“Ha ha this is coming out of nowhere” he looks at her, trying to gauge her reaction to this sudden nonsensical tangent.

“... If you don’t want to talk to me or Emu or anyone, just talk to Rui” Nene eventually says “I know you two share more between each other and he’s been thinking too much about what Sakaki-san did and said. He was so… out of it when I went to pick up Nene-Robo for my weekend with her”.

Sakaki knew what he was doing, he was the expert. But when he saw Rui trying to reason with Sakaki, even if their voices were far removed from his focus, he knew that Rui felt like it was going too far.

He knew Nene and Emu felt the same, that’s why Nene had asked him so curtly.

Tsukasa looks like he wants to question her but she shuts it down “You seriously don’t know why? You understand each other the most”.

“If you don’t want to talk about it I can’t force you. I know Emu tried the other night but…” she trails off when she hears Tsukasa’s breath hitch just a little.

“You need to let everything out at some point. Let off some steam, be normal for a bit” Nene smiles at him “Come over to my house even, I’ll make us hot chocolate and let you play any rpgmaker game I own. Or we could watch an old musical and compare notes together. Even if I think you’re insane for enjoying hot chocolate in this heat”.

“It’s not summer everywhere and people drink coffee in hot weather all the time, like black coffee. It’s winter somewhere in the world” he recalls how they had this little argument last year when their troupe came over to his house to discuss the Little Mermaid show, she had been appalled to say that least and that somehow led to an argument about if milk went before cereal.

That time seemed so far away.

“But that’s not the point” Nene returns her hands back to where they originally sat in her lap “Tsukasa we care, Sakaki-san didn’t fully care. He enjoyed trying to break you, Tsukasa, and it was scary”.

Nene had grown so much, her voice would reach all over the world in no time. In comparison, Tsukasa was lagging behind her. He wanted to be able to be friends and compete with her but right now he felt he wasn’t on her playing field.

“I am sorry, Nene” he smiles at her “I’ll be more careful next time”.

She looks quite shocked as he says that “You have nothing to apologize for Tsukasa… just don’t not talk to us, we’re here for you”.

They fall into a silence that inevitably makes him wonder if maybe he wasn’t as capable as he thought. First Emu and now Nene…

“They all trust me as an actor right? No one would want me to not be at my highest potential…” he then notices the presence that hadn’t been at his side “Would Rui hold back after everything?”.

Should he be punished for what he is doing so he can move on? If that’s how it had to be, he’d gladly do it, he’d pay his dues to Emu, Nene, and Rui no matter how big the task will be. He’s not asking to be mistreated, he is asking to be wanted.

Is that why he was stuck? He can acknowledge he’s not alone but his burdens are his own. These past few major plays just prove again and again he’ll never reach as far as he wants to. Everything feels repetitive. Why does it feel repetitive?

“I could easily fall off the roof right now” he feels the way his back pressing against the railing and he wonders if this will shut his mind up. He could hear the metal come clean off and feel the wind around him as he free falls. It’s so ridiculously easy to imagine.

He hates his imagination sometimes, hates how easy it is to visualize dying. In a way the railing is comparable to a level on a shopping mall where you can peak over. Why did he have to get tense when walking near the railing in a mall, seeing the view from the top floor and instinctively imagining himself falling down? 

“Why can’t I just be normal?”.

Suddenly his lunch doesn’t look that appetizing and he can’t even put his chopsticks toward his mouth.

“Tsukasa?” Nene calls out to him but Tsukasa is finally back to ‘himself’.

“Haha I was just thinking about how lunch is coming to a close soon. It appears I made too much chicken for myself. Do you want some? I guarantee it’s delicious! Five stars out of five stars from the star himself!” he proclaims, gesturing for Nene to take any chicken from his bento.

She raises an eyebrow but accepts his offer.

“I guess I shouldn’t tell Rui or Emu I didn’t have to trade for your chicken, not that I had anything to trade with in the first place” she says after eating a large piece of chicken “It’s so crispy and golden, what the hell man”.

She looks at him with expectant eyes and he graciously allows her to take as much as she wants, omitting the fact that he hadn’t eaten much in the first place.

For the rest of this break, he’s going to keep any show talk out of his mind.

-----------------------------------------

Walking down the roads in a neighborhood unfamiliar to him wasn’t a part of his plan for the afternoon, but Rui had caught him while he was putting on his shoes at the lockers and informed him he had left his jacket at the stage the other night.

So naturally, he had agreed to come collect it this afternoon since he was free. Rui had looked relieved when Tsukasa said he’d come and he wondered if he wanted to talk about anything else.

Maybe Nene had pushed him or maybe he had gathered courage for this on his own. Tsukasa would love to see he wasn’t opposed to giving Rui any reassurance he needed but at the same time he had no clue what Rui wanted to talk about. He knew Rui would invite him in, Tsukasa wasn’t naive enough to think it’d be a quick collection.

Their texts hadn’t been anything different from usual, just a quick check in and a quick reminder regarding some after show logistics.

“We are always by your side. We are always thinking of you”.

It felt somehow stronger, more real, coming from Rui’s mouth, like only he could confirm what Tsukasa wanted to hear. He knows it’s because of underlying feelings but he refuses to confront them.

And it’s not stemming from a preference of importance: Emu, Nene, and Rui will always be important people in his life with no comparison.

“Just as you have always done for us”.

Perhaps that’s why as they walked back, he let himself stand closer than usual to Rui. If he were to dare to reach out and grab his arm, cling to it under the excuse of grounding himself, he wanted to be able to hide the biological reaction of being in love.

This just made Tsukasa’s resolve to get back to normal, to get back to being less frazzled at his chance to improve, even stronger. It would be terrible if he continued to worry people for no reason.

He feels like he isn’t properly there anymore walking alongside Rui and the next moment he blinks he is waiting in his friend’s garage while he fetches refreshments.

He hadn’t told Tsukasa he needed to stay, just asked him if he was thirsty.

Why did some attention hungry part of him want Rui to ask him to not leave?

Tsukasa can’t think like that so he instead grabs the jacket he had forgotten and begin to fold it nicely to place inside his school bag,

“I told you forgot your jacket in the dressing room” Rui chuckles when he comes back into the room, two bottles of soda in his hands “Fufu this all I had, it seems that the good tea hadn’t been restocked in a while”.

“You’re quite the charming host, Rui” Tsukasa sarcastically remarks as he zips up his bag “You don’t offer any tea? It doesn’t matter that it’s getting hotter outside!”.

“Usually my mom buys a blend she thinks everyone will enjoy so when I go shopping it doesn’t even cross my mind fufu~” he tosses the bottle to Tsukasa, who catches it even if he feels something threatening to bubble over “Next time you lose a jacket, I’ll be sure to stop and buy some just for you, Tsukasa-kun”.

It’s not like his own mother doesn’t go grocery shopping, like his own mother doesn’t ask him if there is anything she could pick up for him, it’s not like back then. Tsukasa can go to the store and buy his own tea; he doesn’t need to rely on his mother going anymore.

Tsukasa never liked this feeling of resentment, so he tries to push it back down as he sits next to Rui. He can immediately see how much sugar is in the drink of a brand he doesn’t even know, but still uncaps the bottle.

“Nene told me I should talk to you” Rui remarks after taking a sip “She came over to pick up Nene-robo and we talked a bit”.

“About what?” Tsukasa questions.

“About the performance. About having an afterparty once our break is up. Mostly about you” the words come out normal, but Tsukasa still grows silent at the mention of himself.

Somehow it feels different being asked about the same thing a fourth time. It’s as if the setting being in Rui’s workshop instead of the familiar sekai or the school rooftop made him feel like he couldn’t run away.

Tsukasa knows there is some bias due to his own feelings for Rui, but he doesn’t want to talk to anybody. He tightens the cap on the bottle again “My performance on the last day was pretty swell, wasn’t it?”.

“Mhm” Rui agrees with that at the very least before trying to shift the topic “You certainly took everything to heart, especially with Sakaki-san”.

The name he had been dreading came up. But he no longer holds any fear for it, instead he wants to stand tall. The dread comes from how everyone else is reacting.

“You too, huh”.

“Tsukasa-kun, I was worried, you know?”.

He doesn’t want to hear it; he wants it to stop. Nene encouraged him to talk to somebody, even name-dropping Rui, but he is allowed to be afraid. He’ll talk later. He’ll take when he is better, he’ll talk when no one else will get affected by him using this acting method like the holy grail.

“Please,” Tsukasa doesn’t beg, he won’t but he sounds like he is “I am fine with everything, we don’t need to talk about it”.

Tenma Tsukasa does not beg.

Kamishiro Rui disagrees.

“Ha ha, are you jealous of Sakaki-san? It doesn’t matter, I’m safe, I’m happy, and we delivered an incredible performance that left the audience in a magical state of awe!” Tsukasa tries to diffuse the tension quite terribly but Rui takes that as an opportunity to open up about his feelings.

Did he even consider anyone’s but his own when talking about this? Had he considered what Emu felt or what Nene felt? He was only faced with how Rui felt because his friend decided to talk.

Tsukasa really wants to run but his feet are stuck in place.

“I want to be the one who lifts you to the highest stage possible and I want it to be possible for you in your best condition,” Rui admits “But whenever I wanted to direct or not, what happened out there is something you need to talk about. I don’t care how far you want to be pushed with an expert director, he was hurting you in a way that made me worry for your safety”.

Now Tsukasa wonders if Rui is the selfish one instead.

“But he helped you before!” Tsukasa knows he is getting louder “Why are you so angry about that?!”.

“That was different! I am not angry at you, gosh no” Rui sighs heavily “I am angry at myself! Sakaki-san let you improve, no I’ll rephrase that, you improved under his guidance with a method I am regretting letting you know”.

“You regret it?” Tsukasa hates how he is feeling “That technique is the only reason I’ve been improving! Torpe, Rio, all those roles that I’ve perfected”.

“Do you truly believe this is the only way to perfection?” Rui scoffs “That way of thinking is what will make you revert to that same boy I first performed with on the Wonder Stage”.

“You want my honest feelings?” Tsukasa nearly laughs at the absurdity of it, even though it is only absurd in his eyes.

“Yes!” Rui replies as if it were the most obvious thing in the world “Even if you regret the words later, I’d rather be hurt in the moment so you can be heard!”.

Tsukasa hesitates “You don’t mean that”.

He wouldn’t want to hear everything that runs through Tsukasa’s head.

Rui looks hurt at that “Why wouldn’t I mean it?”.

“There was nothing I could do to help as you teared yourself down…I was so powerless, we all were” his voice had finally died down.

“You always help me, you’re the reason I was even capable of making it this far in WonderlandxShowtime alongside Nene and Emu” it’s easy to say these words because Rui believes they are true “No one was powerless, no one has been powerless”.

“But as a director I should have—“ Rui starts to say.

“In the end, you’re the only one that can make a star like me shine, not Sakaki-san” Tsukasa smiles, interrupting him successfully “And I really want to continue shining Rui”.

“If not me, who else will?” he thinks miserably before repeating exactly those words.

It contradicts how he wanted to reassure Rui only to mention things that go against that idea.

Rui’s eyes go wide in disbelief after hearing those words, Tsukasa hopes that it gets rid of any anxiety that is present from witnessing him ‘tear himself apart’. Those words sound harsh but Tsukasa wonders if it was true.

“It doesn’t matter if I can make you shine or not” Rui tries to get Tsukasa to focus on him “If the pain gets too great, I want you to share it with us – to share it with me. I don’t want to hurt others with my performances, I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want you to get hurt by other people…”.

“And don’t ever look me in the eye and say you don’t want to bother anyone with it because it isn’t bad enough according to you” he continues when he notices Tsukasa trying to make a rebuttal “Share the pain! Don’t put it off until you can’t bear the weight anymore and your whole body starts screaming in anguish about the bitterness and resentment”.

Tsukasa doesn’t want to share the pain, he knows that his curse is his own to carry. These trials of his were nothing compared to destroying his old mindset. What he has dealt with his entire life will never be on the same level of pain dealt to Saki or on the same level of worry dealt to his parents.

So Tsukasa will have to try and reassure Rui again. He doesn’t know when either of them had placed their soda bottles to the side but it makes his life easier when he pushes Rui down on the couch.

Rui is underneath him and Tsukasa feels himself straddling him, sees this pale body underneath him, and sees how Rui’s eyes portray his confusion at suddenly being on his back “Rui, touch me”.

His words come out barely a whisper “What?”.

Maybe he thought that in a different circumstance, it could be something different. A kiss maybe, someone to get closer to someone he doesn’t want to forget him.

Tsukasa ignores his confusion and takes the more calloused hand in his own, making Rui place it against the pulse point in his neck “I am not going anywhere, can’t you see I am in my prime? Or has directing me become repulsive because I flattered under Sakaki-san’s direction for a moment?”.

Rui tries to interrupt him “You’re an amazing actor, Tsukasa-kun—”.

“But I am not the best” Tsukasa says with absolute certainty, trying to shove the image of Rui actually choking him without mercy till he exhaled his last breath right on this stupid shitty piece of furniture Rui called a couch.

“It doesn’t matter if you think what I am doing is wrong” Tsukasa states “Do you feel that I am physically here? I am still breathing which means I can continue to act”.

“I don’t care if you’re the best if you suffer getting there,” Rui says “And I don’t mean that there won’t be any pain as you improve… I don’t want to lose Tsukasa-kun, I don’t want him to become a shell of himself to pursue his dreams in a way that doesn’t resonate to him anymore”.

“You’ll always reach new heights but this isn’t the way to do it” Rui answers.

“Do you think I am broken then?” Tsukasa proposes the question.

He laughs bitterly, Tsukasa can only wonder how Rui had predicted this afternoon would go. What would be said between them, what could be resolved, but the buildup in Tsukasa’s body would never make any timeline this happened into something happy.

“I think I might be” Tsukasa is yelling at himself to shut up “I don’t have good thoughts, I want to act on them just to see what emotion I could bring out. You were concerned when I played William? Well, Rui, for a moment I was not Tsukasa at all I was just him”.

“He could kill someone, I could kill someone,” he heaves out “I wanted to drive the thought of being able to kill someone into my body as if I hadn’t had those thoughts before!”.

“Tsukasa-kun, that wasn’t you” Rui says as he finally hugs Tsukasa despite the awkward position of his arms.

But Tsukasa knows it was him, some ugly part of him that wants to believe in the lies that he was a good person. He could only focus on trying to stay calm right now, make sure he could breathe without spiralling into something worse. 

Sakaki wasn’t bad, or he wasn’t all that bad, because he pushed Tsukasa to remember a part of himself he shamefully tried to forget. Maybe Tsukasa was the bad person. He just had to keep at it.

To become an irreplaceable presence in the people he loves’ lives was important to him.

Tsukasa doesn’t want to speak anymore “I am scared to tell anyone that I am afraid to stop something that is hurting me, it– it leaves an opportunity for people to leave me when I cannot be the person who is worth it”. 

The words come out anyway.

Tsukasa grips his shoulders “No matter what kind of performance it is, I'll make sure to perform it perfectly! I want that to still be possible…!”.

He finds himself nearly sobbing when he feels a grip on one of his hands, Rui’s determined look in those golden eyes he doesn’t want to ever lose sight of “I won’t leave you, Tsukasa-kun. You are not inconveniencing me ever. You aren’t alone, you can share what is happening. Your strength won’t always save you if that strength comes in the form of isolation”.

“You gave me the words I had always longed for, gave me a place to belong, gave me a chance to achieve my dream with everyone. Why can’t I do the same for you?” Rui pleads “I know you want to continue with this”.

It’s an accusation.

Tsukasa could not keep a promise if anyone made him swear he wouldn’t go this far again and he knows that his troupe understands that he wouldn’t stop because of his own beliefs.

“You can’t stop me” Tsukasa knows that that’s his true belief; he doesn’t regret anything from that week.

“Why?” Rui asks but it’s not as sharp this time, he genuinely wants to know.

“…” Tsukasa doesn’t answer him.

“I am terrified, Tsukasa-kun. What does he mean when he says he wants to help you out even further? You make me wonder if you believe Sakaki-san is better for you, it makes me feel helpless” Rui brings him closer and the body heat stirs something inside Tsukasa, not in any way that doesn’t tether him to this moment. 

“Helpless” he repeats what Rui had said before.

Thinking of that moment, when Emu had grabbed his hands and told him they’d never forget him… what kind of face did Rui have? In fact, he could only remember Emu’s face, Nene’s concerned expression, and Rui’s clenched fist.

Everything else had been blurry… was he regretful upon looking at Tsukasa?

The fear drives Tsukasa. The paranoia that Tsukasa gets from the world that wants to see him so fragile. A place that only wants him to be superficial, a place where he constantly teeters on the edge of a miserable existence that could crumble at any moment. 

This conversation wasn’t going to fix anything, Tsukasa can tell by how agitated Rui appeared to be, or rather how conflicted he seemed.

This conversation wasn’t going anywhere, in fact, if he could read it in a script he’d argue that whoever wrote it just piled ideas together and tried to make them flow, then pretend to wrap it in a neat little bow that said the emotional high the two characters had made sure their conversation seemed incoherent.

What a cope.

“Rui” he tugs Rui’s cardigan “Hey Rui”.

“Tsukasa-kun?” he finally sits up, but he doesn’t make Tsukasa get off him. Maybe in a different scenario he’d feel more giddy at the thought of being this close to Rui but right now he could only feel a sense of dread.

Rui’s expression made him remember the guilty face his mother would give when leaving him home alone to visit Saki. The face she made when she didn’t want to leave when she had to.

“Don’t leave, hit me if you need to, just don’t leave me alone right now” Tsukasa finds himself begging “Don’t make me go home please”.

Rui obviously tries to hide the pain in his face but it doesn’t work “You don’t want to talk though, I feel like you aren’t listening to what I’ve been saying”.

“Please” he begs again and he knows he must look absolutely pathetic right now “I am sorry”.

Rui sighs before he encircles Tsukasa’s waist properly once again “I heard you apologized to Nene and Emu too. You don’t have to… you don’t have anything to say sorry for”.

“If anything, I feel like I should have done more,” the director says.

“Being there was enough Rui” Tsukasa assures him.

Rui frowns “Was it really, Tsukasa-kun?”.

Tsukasa didn’t know in all honesty.

He was just covering his own shame by pressing his face against Rui’s body, by making sure his utterly pathetic expression could be hidden. Even if he was right in front of Rui, he was terrified of being replaced still no matter what he was being told.

Being here made his thoughts with both hope and despair, the line between those emotions blurring immensely as it's dirtied by himself. There was no answer Rui could give him to make things easier, no answer Nene or Emu could, no answer Saki or his parents could.

Slowly, despite the distance being one that normal friends would not feel so comfortable in, he lowers both of them down. Tsukasa stays on top of him, but he is more tucked into the taller’s neck.

It’s warm, it feels safe, it’s the same comfortable vibe he’d try to make under a blanket only housing his body heat.

“… Is a week enough?” Rui asks tentatively.

Tsukasa knows that he is referring to their troupe’s little break to recover from everything, even if some people’s baggage and workload were more than others.

“It’s not anything big enough for a break longer than this one,” Tsukasa insists but he doesn’t move from Rui’s embrace.

He doesn’t like how he can only hear the 

He whispers Rui’s name without a second thought and all Rui replies with “I am not leaving. Tsukasa-kun, I’ll always catch you”.

Tsukasa feels like Rui is feeding into a lie based on lies that he spilled from his own lips, but he pushes that out of his mind for now.

Just like this afternoon, he’s going to keep anything related to that show out of his mind for now. It’ll do him good to come back to it later with a cleaner mindset, it’ll do everybody around him good once they see how much he was able to grow when they didn’t notice.

He’s sure Rui won’t actually want to talk about this another time, he’ll make sure he can’t get the chance to.

Tsukasa hadn’t anticipated staying over, or was he lying to himself, each time he had been talked to about anything that had happened, he didn’t want to stay longer than he was needed; he didn’t want to burden anyone.

He should have known Rui would refuse to let him run away even when they disagreed on something like this.

Tsukasa hadn’t sent a message home saying he’d be heading out somewhere after school, hadn’t phoned to say he’d be home late.

He hadn’t told anyone where he’d be and when he was coming back that night.

It left a small sense of satisfaction swelling in his chest.

Tsukasa slips out of the garage in the morning regardless but he doesn’t go back home. The sekai seemed safest right now. Part of him felt like he had been too vulnerable, or at least in a way he hadn’t ever become accustomed to.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust anyone, he just wanted to be stronger.

Luka greets him warmly, letting him take her hand. He didn’t care if she was leading him to a cage, it would be safe for now.