Chapter Text
I’m pregnant, he thought.
Pregnant.
I. Am. Pregnant.
With Child. Up The Duff. Preggers. Bun In The Oven. In The Club. In The Family Way. I Have Been Knocked Up By An Angel.
Ohhhhhhh, Hell definitely wouldn’t like that! They’d have a field day with him, if they ever found out. He supressed a hysterical giggle.
Pregnant.
Say a word enough times and it loses all meaning. Then in the next second all the meaning slams back into you and knocks you sideways. Crowley collapsed backwards instead, onto the couch where he was sitting in the bookshop.
I can’t be. It’s just not possible, he thought. I mean technically, yes, he’d used a vulva not long ago, just because he’d been feeling feminine and he'd wanted to and Aziraphale didn’t mind either way. But their preference was a cock and balls, much more fun!
And he hadn’t really given any thought to anything else that could possibly happen when using a vulva. Like all the relevant bits and tubes and things that normally accompanied it…surely, they weren’t equipped to breed…were they? It wasn’t the first time in his long life that he’d used one and nothing had happened before…so…this time he was just unlucky? Was that it? Did that make him irresponsible? A Slut? Wanton and Easy? Well, yes, obviously, but only for a certain angel. He gulped back another giggle.
“Crowley…Crowley, are you alright? You sound like you’re choking…say something Crowley!”
He was aware of a muffled noise coming from far away and realised it was a voice…Aziraphale’s voice, sounding worried and possibly on the verge of tears. Speaking to him.
He refocussed his eyes and swung his head around unsteadily to look at the angel sat next to him. “Huh?” he said.
“Crowley, it looked like you just…disconnected there for a bit, I got quite worried.” He had one hand on the demon’s knee and in the other hand he held a pregnancy test stick. Which, if you were close enough to read declared a positive result.
“No, I don’t think I am alright,” whispered Crowley. “This is impossible, isn’t it? I can’t be…I can’t even say it out loud. I CAN’T BE!” the last three words came out as a wail.
Aziraphale, just as shocked by this turn of events, didn’t know what to do. He gave up trying not to cry, and at the sight of his demon’s anguish the tears started to roll down his face. Crowley’s face was already wet. Putting down the one of five pregnancy test sticks they had on the coffee table, he reached out and gently pulled the unresisting and gasping demon towards him, cradling him to his chest. Just holding him.
They sat there for some time, who knows how long, until both had calmed down somewhat.
“Well,” said the angel feeling helpless, “I suppose we will just have to wait and see what happens. The normal amount of time is 9 months I believe, for humans anyway.”
Crowley pushed himself upright and looked incredulously at him. “What do you mean, see what happens? And NORMAL? There’s nothing normal about this! I’m fecking up the duff, what do you think is gonna happen? We’re gonna have a bloody sprog! Us! Who can’t even look after themselves for a start, get drunk more often than not, not to mention the fucking fact that we’re a fucking bloody demon and an angel AND WE’RE HAVING A BABY…A BABY WHAT THOUGH?!”
This speech was conducted with much arm-waving and shouting, and the demon eventually collapsed back against the sofa again, exhausted. Boy, this pregnancy lark was tough, he thought, I’m knackered already.
Meanwhile, the angel’s face was twisted with anguish at the demon’s distress and the numerous expletives which jangled every nerve in his body.
“Dearest, must you swear so much…you’re only upsetting yourself and it’s not good for you or the baby.”
“I repeat again: BABY WHAT? What’s it gonna turn out like, eh? You? Me? Or some hideous angelic version of Hastur…or…or something.” He put a shaky hand over his eyes, roughly wiping away the tears.
“Honestly? I haven’t the foggiest. But if it’s anything like you then we will both be blessed.” Aziraphale put his hands back in his lap and looked at Crowley, hesitantly offering a small, weak smile.
Crowley sat and waited, looking expectantly at Aziraphale. “Oh, that’s all you’ve got, is it? In what possible way are we going to be blessed? I know our respective offices have washed their hands of us…but…if they ever found out…I mean, I just- I can’t…HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!”
He’d got up and was pacing on the rug, arms flinging out dramatically and then he flung himself back on the sofa, pitching forward until he was face down on Aziraphale’s lap. He breathed in the delicious scent of the angel, and things started to stir within him.
The angel had lifted his hands, and they hovered uncertainly over the demon’s head. Gently, he brought them down, one across Crowley’s shoulders, rubbing between his shoulder blades and the other on his head.
“Crowley. Listen to me. Whatever this is, if indeed it turns out to be what we are being led to believe it is, and if it isn’t – if it’s something else – then whatever that is, we’ll deal with it and…and…and it will be ok. We’ll be ok,” he finished lamely.
Crowley sat up and pulled himself onto Aziraphale’s lap, putting his arms around the angel’s shoulders.
“Thanks. Great pep talk. What are you blithering on about?” and then “You bastard, you knocked me up!” He kissed the angel roughly. Must be the pregnancy hormones, he thought. “Take me to bed, immediately.”
“Crowley. This is precisely what got us into this predicament in the first place. And I'm not a...bastard...well, just a little bit maybe. But you always said that was a good thing!"
Aziraphale’s brow creased in puzzlement.
“If you are now sporting gentlemen’s genitalia again, how are you supporting a uterus carrying a baby? How does that work? And how will you deliver it? Will you have to change back to having a uterus nearer the time, for delivery?”
“How should I fecking know? Maybe The Stork will bring it? Or perhaps it’ll be delivered amid a platoon of ducks? It shouldn’t be happening in the first fucking place, let alone knowing what the bloody logistics of it all will be! Scratch taking me to bed, I really feel that I need a nap, my head is full of everything.”
“Would you like me to carry you up, my sweet?” asked the angel.
“Yes, please. And stay with me until I’m asleep,” snuffled Crowley, from Aziraphale’s lapel.