Archive of Our Own

Penelope wakes up to an incessant buzzing on the day of her best friend’s wedding. 

She’s not sure that she’s entirely awake as she blindly waves her hand about, trying to get her damn phone on silent- she could have sworn that she put it on silent before she went to sleep, that’s what she always does, but then again she’d had a bit to drink last night so there was every chance that she forgot. Finally, after a few failed attempts, she manages to grab it, the light of her screen nearly blinding her as she goes to unlock it. As her vision comes back to her, and Penelope slowly blinks her way into being properly awake, she can’t help but stare at her phone screen. An old picture of her and Colin, he’s got an arm around her waist, her hand is resting lightly on his chest and they’re both laughing about something she can’t even remember anymore. At the time, she’d been so busy giggling she hadn’t even noticed how Colin had been staring at her, and when she looked at the picture later that night, that was all she could focus on. Penelope loved the picture back then, now it just makes her brows furrow. She could have sworn that she changed her lockscreen a few months ago. 

The next thing she does is look at the messages that have apparently been making her phone blow up, they just confuse her even more- why the hell is she in a chat called ABC bros? Why on earth would she-

Oh. 

Oh. 

This isn’t her phone. 

And this also isn’t her hotel room. 

Penelope gulps as she finally registers the arm wrapped pretty firmly around her waist, the soft snores from beside her. She turns to see Colin sleeping perfectly contentedly. A wave of unwilling fondness washes over her, he always was a deep sleeper. Honestly, she kind of envies him, because he’s in such a peaceful sleep and she’s freaking the fuck out. 

The memories are all coming back to her. How she’d gravitated to Colin’s side at the rehearsal dinner last night, she always needed him- well, that statement is true enough as it is- but especially at events like that. She remembers how they’d laughed and talked like nothing had ever happened between them, like the glue in the fractures between them was enough to hold them together. At the end of the night Colin had kissed her, softly, cautiously. Even at the time, she’d heard a voice in her head telling her that it was a bad idea, but she’d had just enough liquid courage in her system to ignore it. All her memories after that are a bit of a blur. Clothes coming off, kisses and whispers against skin, Colin pounding into her, hard and fast without restraint and-

Okay, now the soreness between her legs makes a lot of sense. Fucking hell he didn’t hold back. 

She actually thought that she could do this, that she could sleep with Colin and they could both come out of it unscathed. 

What a fucking idiot. 

Before her spiral of self-loathing and guilt can spiral any further, another buzz distracts her. She looks at the notification without thinking. 

ABC bros

Ben: let us know how the chat with Penelope goes!

Penelope gulps, what chat? 

Against her better judgement, she types Colin’s password in and clicks on the chat. She knows that she shouldn’t, that it’s a complete invasion of privacy and that Colin would (rightfully) lose his shit if he woke up and saw what she was doing. She knows all of this, she does it anyways. 

ABC bros

9:35 pm

Ben: @Colin correct me if im wrong but im pretty sure i just saw you leave the rehearsal dinner with penelope 👀

11: 56 pm

Colin: …

Colin: you saw right

Ben: I KNEW IT

Ben: im assuming you didnt leave to just talk

Colin: we did talk

Colin: just very little

Colin: we were… preoccupied 

Ben: hell yeah!!

Ben: but also gross

Anthony: Benedict, you’ve been much more forthcoming about your own sex life and you know it

Ben: okay called out ☠️

Ben: but yeah fair point

Ben: now back to colin and penelope

Ben: to quote our menace of a youngest sister

Ben: does this mean that polin is back in season????

Anthony: Stop trying to sound all Gen Z, Benedict

Anthony: You’re a millennial.

Ben: [replying to: “Stop trying to s…] never

Anthony: [replying to: “does this mean tha…] Allow me to ask this more normally.

Ben: rude

Anthony: Do you think this means Penelope might be interested in getting back together? 

Colin: i honestly have no idea

Colin: but i really hope so

Colin: shes just fallen asleep but im gonna try talk to her about it in the morning

Anthony: Colin, you know that we love Penelope

Anthony: But please be careful with this, the breakup really hurt you

Colin: believe me i remember

Colin: but if there’s even a chance that she might want to give us another try… 

Colin: I can’t not take it

Ben: fight for your love colin! 

Ben: but also listen to anthony and be careful bc for hes actually making a good point

Colin: ill be careful guys

Colin: im gonna get some sleep but ill let you know how the talk goes in the morning

Anthony: Goodnight, Colin.

Ben: night! 

Penelope bites her lip as she looks at Colin. She should have realised that this would happen. It had only been three months since their break up, why in the hell did she think that sleeping with him would be a good idea?

Damn wine. She’s never drinking again. 

(That’s not true, but she chooses to think it for as long as possible.) 

Penelope imagines what might happen when Colin wakes up. She imagines him kissing her good morning like he used to do almost every day when they were together. She thinks about him carefully broaching the conversation of them getting back together, she pictures herself saying yes, telling him how she hasn’t stopped loving him since their break up, and then going for round two (or maybe four depending on how they count last night). 

It’s a pretty beautiful image, but it’s never going to happen. 

Because Penelope, as quietly as she can, gets her stuff together and leaves without a word.

xxx

Penelope really appreciates how Colin’s family have never made her feel guilty for breaking up with him. 

That being said, it still feels very fucking weird to be around them.

For the first few weeks, she’d avoided the Bridgertons like the plague, all except Eloise who never would have allowed her to distance herself in a thousand years. It’s not as if she thought that they would be outright rude to her, but she hardly expected them to take her side either. Not that there were sides to take, Colin hadn’t done anything wrong, there was no big argument or particularly massive conflict that led up to the break up, it just… needed to happen. 

Eventually she’d ended up running into Daphne in a shop, at the time it had felt like one of her worst nightmares. It was no secret that Colin was, and still is, her favourite sibling, so if anyone would hate her guts, it would be her. But instead she was nice, not just polite, but genuinely kind. Maybe it shouldn’t have been that surprising, the Bridgertons had always been kind to her, but it was. 

“We miss you around the house, it feels weird to not have you there at brunch,” Daphne told her at the time. “Obviously, I don’t love seeing my brother so heartbroken- not that I’m saying that to guilt you or anything, just to be clear. But yeah- We’re not angry with you. Relationships don’t always work out, it sucks, but sometimes that’s just the truth of it, isn’t it?”

She’s tried hanging out with the Bridgerton women since then, partially because she’s had to, what with them all being in Eloise’s bridal party, and they haven’t been too weird, but it hasn’t been easy either. Eloise is her platonic soulmate, so keeping their friendship was never a question, but the rest of them… The Bridgertons are still the family she grew up with, practically her second family, but they’re also her ex’s family now, and that just adds a whole layer of awkwardness that Penelope honestly doesn’t know how to deal with. 

Still, everyone is warm and kind and inviting to her, the way Bridgertons always are. Like right now, they’re just chatting as they touch up their make up, and nobody’s being rude or exclusionary towards her, but she can’t help but feel out of place. She wonders if they sense that, given how they keep asking her about herself, trying to keep her in the conversation as much as they can. It’s very sweet, she just wishes she could feel more at ease about it. At the very least, the morning is going smoothly and Penelope appreciates that, even though they have a whole barrage of questions behind their eyes, nobody voices them. 

Well, that is until Hyacinth decides to speak up. 

“Penelope?” 

“Yeah, Hy?” 

“Do you think you’re ever going to get back together with Colin?”

Penelope chokes on air as Daphne exclaims in a scolding tone, “Hyacinth!” 

“What? I’m not saying she has to get back with him today or anything, I’m just wondering if it could ever happen at some point in the future! We’re all thinking it!”

“I, um… uh…” Penelope trails off, trying to find words that never come to her. 

The answer is probably no, afterall, there’s a version of today where she and Colin are already back together and she chose to walk away from that. It’s not like Colin would want her after she pulled that shit anyways. The chances of them back together are pretty fucking unlikely. 

But it still hurts a little too much to say that. 

“Pen, could you help me with my zip for a second?” Eloise calls from the other room. 

God bless, Eloise.

“I’m just gonna go do that,” Penelope says before rushing away as fast as physically possible. 

Helping Eloise is exactly what she needs, a distraction that puts her mind on a path of being useful to her best friend, rather than over thinking that interaction she’s just had, though it’s definitely still on her mind. Penelope pulls Eloise's zip up and admires her through the reflection. She’s not sure she’s ever seen El look so happy in her life, and seeing such pure elation on her best friend’s face makes her heart melt. 

Eloise fidgets nervously. “Do I- Do I look okay?” 

“El,” Penelope grins, grabbing her best friend’s hands, “you look so beautiful.” 

“Thanks babes,” Eloise smiles, squeezing her hands in response. “Now, what’s going on with you?” 

Her jaw drops. “Wha- I- nothing-”

“Pen, Phillip may be the love of my life, but you’re still my platonic soulmate, I know when something’s going on with you,” Eloise states, and Penelope feels oddly caught out by it. “I can practically hear your brain racing. So, go on, tell me what’s on your mind.”

Penelope bites her lip, briefly contemplating whether or not she just lies her way out of this. Ultimately, she realises the truth. She could try to lie, but Eloise would see through her in a second flat. She hates that she’s about to ask this question, the one she’s asked El God knows how many times in the past “Do your sisters hate me?” 

“What?” Eloise questions, her brows furrowing. “No, of course not. Why? Has something happened?” 

“No,” Penelope sighs. “I’m sorry for asking again, I just- I know that they don’t hate me, but I still get nervous. I mean, I dumped your brother, surely they must feel a bit angry with me.” 

“They really don’t. They grew up with you, they love you, that doesn’t go away just because you broke up with Colin,” Eloise tells her firmly before softening into a sort of hesitation. “Honestly, Pen, they feel… confused more than anything else, and if I’m being honest, I also feel a little confused. Your break up with Colin was so abrupt.” 

Penelope’s gaze shifts to the ground, nerves dancing with such vigour all over her body they might as well be doing an irish jig. “It just- it wasn’t going to work in the long run. Better to realise sooner rather than later.” 

“Right,” is all her best friend says. She’s not sure if El really believes her or not, but she doesn’t push it, which she appreciates. Eloise gives her a quick hug. “I’m sorry, Pen. I know it took me a minute to adjust to you and Colin but… You guys were good together. I kind of thought Colin was… it for you, you know?” 

“Yeah, um- it would have been nice but, y’know, I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for us.”

“And you don’t mind having to walk down the aisle with him?” 

“No, no, not at all,” Penelope smiles, it only looks a fraction less awkward than how she feels. Almost too quickly, she pivots the conversation, “hey, aren’t you supposed to have a veil? Do you need me to find it?”

“No, that’s okay, the veil should be with Theo.”

“Oh, okay,” she says before the words register with her. “Wait, why does Theo have the veil? And where is he anyways? Shouldn’t he be here with the rest of the bridesmaids?” 

“Amanda was sick all over my veil the other day- I’m still not sure how she managed to find it. I thought I’d properly hidden it from everyone but I forgot that two curious five year olds can find anything,” Eloise sighs, but even now, Penelope can hear the fondness in her voice as she talks about the twins. “Honestly I was more worried that Amanda would accidentally talk about the veil in front of Phil over anything else. I tried to clean it myself but I couldn’t manage it, so I had to give it to the dry cleaners. I sent Theo to pick it up earlier.” 

“Ah, right,” Penelope replies, suddenly realising that conversation deflection was actually pretty fucking useless. 

Eloise glances out the window and grimaces. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, I thought Theo was going to take the presents from the greenhouse to the orangery before he left.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll move them,” she says automatically. 

“Are you sure? I can always ask one of my sisters to do it- well, more like play the bride card to force them to do it but still-”

“I’m happy to do it,” she reassures her best friend. “As maid of honour, it’s my duty to do everything I can to make sure you have a perfect day. If you need some presents to be moved, I’m gonna move some presents. I’ve got you, yeah?” 

Eloise grins, pulling her in for a hug. “You’re the best, you know that?” 

Sometimes, she feels like the worst, but she’s hardly going to say that. “Well, I do try.”

Penelope sets off to take the presents to the barn, her mission solidifying in her mind. Give Eloise the perfect day. She deserves it, and as her best friend and maid of honour, Penelope knows with every fibre of her being that she’ll do anything to make that happen. 

And if keeping her mind focused on giving El the perfect wedding stops her from constantly thinking about Colin then that’s just a bonus. 

xxx

This orangery would be the perfect place to sneak away to. 

Penelope hates that that’s what she’s thinking as she puts the presents down, but it’s the only thing running through her mind. Well, that and images of her Colin sneaking in here. She sees it so clearly, two of them tipsy on champagne from the reception, Colin dragging her in here as she objects through her giggles, secretly loving it. Him pushing her against the door as soon as it closes and kissing her silly, whispering in between each meeting of lips that they need to be quiet in case someone walking by hears them. He’d take her to the sofa, she thinks, lay her down gently, get on top of her and keep kissing her until they were both panting, then he would kiss his way down her body, she’d breathlessly have to remind him to leave a hickey when he got to her neck because he always loved to leave a mark, he’d grumble but agree and then keep kissing lower and lower, hiking her skirt up her thighs until he reached her-

Fuck, this is the exact thing she’s not supposed to be thinking about that. That’s the whole reason she’d volunteered to bring these presents to the orangery in the first place. And to be the best maid of honour to Eloise, of course.

A sudden noise startles Penelope, it sounds like… like something broke, maybe? She looks around the room, everything seems in tact, and she doesn’t think she’s bumped into anything. Besides, the noise sounded like it was coming from beneath her, but how would that even-

Oh, right. The wine cellar. That gives Penelope pause for a moment, why the hell would anyone be in the wine cellar? 

With a weird feeling in her stomach, Pen goes down the spiral staircase and promptly realises that this isn’t just some regular wine cellar, it seems pretty abandoned. It’s dark and dusty, and it looks like, before today, nobody’s stepped foot in it in years. To be honest, it’s pretty fucking creepy and the spiral staircase doesn’t really help with that. A part of her feels like she’s in the beginning of a horror movie, but she pushes past the fear and keeps going. That noise didn’t come out of nowhere.

“Eloise- El, I’ve loved you for years now, really since the moment we met. Every time we talk, my day feels a bit brighter and I don’t know what I would do without you.” 

In an instant, Penelope deflates, all the muscles inside of her that had subconsciously tensed loosening to something more relaxed. Phillip’s,just practicing his vows. That’s actually kind of sweet. 

“Phil, those vows sound lovely but I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be greeting guests right now. Besides, your suit will probably get so dirty down here.”

Silence, and then-

“Penelope?” 

Her eyes squint at the voice, the one that, now she can hear it a bit clearer, sounds absolutely nothing like Philip and a lot like someone else entirely. 

“Theo?”

She immediately scrambles to get her phone out and turns on the flashlight, and sure enough, there’s Theo, standing beside a shattered bottle of wine and staring at her like a deer caught in the headlights. “What are you doing down here?” 

“Pretty sure I should be asking you that,” Penelope replies instantly, dread curdling in her stomach as she comes down the last few steps. “And what the hell were you saying just now?” 

Theo fidgets on his feet, a nervous smile spreading across his face. “Okay, I was trying to keep this a secret until the ceremony for, well, obvious reasons, but… I’m going to tell Eloise that I’m in love with her today. When the officiant does the whole ‘speak now or forever hold your peace,’ thing.”

If Penelope’s jaw wasn’t hinged to her face, she’s fairly certain it would be on the floor right now. “What?”

“Philip is completely wrong for her,” Theo insists, “Eloise needs someone who challenges her, someone who reads the same books as her-”

“Someone who completely disregards her feelings and prioritises himself?” She challenges immediately. “Theo, you’re going to ruin Eloise’s wedding. Do you realise how much El trusts you? She put you in her bridal party, that’s how close she feels to you, and you’re going to throw all of that away to-”

“To tell her how I feel. She needs to know.”

“No, she doesn’t.” Penelope returns forcefully. “You need her to know, and you could have told her at any other point. You were friends with Eloise for years before Philip even came into the picture. You’ve spent God knows how much time with her to help her with all of this wedding stuff and you choose today of all days to do this?”

“I know!” Theo exclaims, running a hand through his hair. “I know that isn’t ideal timing–”

“–Ideal?–”

“–But if I don’t tell her then I’ll lose her forever.”

“You’ve already lost her, Theo! She’s in love with Philip! And you professing your love isn’t the big romantic gesture you think it is- it’s fucking sabotage.” 

“It’s showing her that there are other options!”

“She doesn’t need other options on her wedding day!”

“Well maybe she does! Maybe she needs to see that there’s an option she hasn’t considered before!”

Penelope crosses her arms. “You realise if Eloise could hear you right now, she would hate you, right? You’re talking about her like she doesn’t know what she wants, like you, a man, knows what’s best for her.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do, I just- I have this feeling. We’re meant to be together, I just know it,” Theo says. “I would think, if anyone would understand this, it would be you.” 

“Me?” Penelope questions incredulously. 

“You know, being in love with a best friend for years and years? Watching them be with someone else when you know you’d be a better fit?” 

… God, she hates how she sees the parallels.

“That’s still different.”

“Is it?” the twat asks. “You had to see Colin date Marina, right?”

Penelope’s lips press into a line, if he’s trying to evoke her sympathy, filling her brain with memories of the love of her life with her now dead cousin is a pretty shit way to go about it. “Yeah.”

“And didn’t you also interfere in that relationship?” Theo asks as if he’s found some hard hitting thing that gives him a victory. It doesn’t. “Surely, you get where I’m coming from.” 

For a moment, Penelope has to remain silent to contain her scream of pure rage. “I told Colin that Marina was cheating on him because she was. I didn’t tell Colin how I felt, I never told him how I felt when he was dating somebody because, more than anything else, I wanted him to be happy with those people and at the time it seemed like he was. That was what mattered to me.” 

“But it still hurt, didn’t it? Seeing him with other people?” 

“I mean, yeah, of course it did but-”

“So you then you know how I’ve been feeling ever Eloise and Philip got together-”

“Of course I know!” She exclaims. “Look, Theo, I get it, okay? I do. Seeing the person you’re in love with start dating someone else is awful, I can’t imagine how it must have felt to see Eloise get engaged to Philip. I do sympathise, but that doesn’t mean that I can support this! I’m sorry, this’ll sound harsh, but at a certain point when it comes to unrequited love, you just have to suck it up and deal with it. That’s what I did.”

“But if you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you-”

“No, I wouldn’t. I would never do what you’re doing. You’re not gonna get me on your side Theo. We’re not the same.”

There’s a silence, and then Theo scoffs. “Maybe you’re right, Penelope, maybe we’re not the same. If I got to be with the love of my life, I would never break up with her. Obviously you can’t say the same.”

Oh fuck him. 

Her fist connects with Theo’s jaw before she can think about it, and then he’s out cold on the ground. 

Dear God, she’s so screwed.

xxx

Penelope knows that there’s really one person who can help her with the clusterfuck of a mess she’s created. 

Well, more like the mess she made worse. She’s fairly sure the only one who can be blamed for the creation of the mess is Theo. 

Penelope frantically flits through the crowd, trying to spot Colin. She sees him eventually, in the corner by himself, and she’s at his side in an instant. “Colin.”

He smiles at her, but it’s not his usual one filled with warmth and kindness. No, this smile is bitter, and she hates knowing that she’s the reason behind it. “Figured after this morning I wouldn’t see much of you today. Decided to stop avoiding me?”

“I need you.” 

Colin hides a scoff behind a sip of champagne. “I heard that a few times last night.”

Penelope winces slightly at that. “Now’s really not the time to talk about-”

“When is the time then?” Comes his immediate response, as if he’d been prepared for her to say that. “I was ready to talk about everything this morning but you-”

“I know what I did, Colin,” she snaps, instantly regretting it. This isn’t how she wanted the conversation to go. Penelope sighs and then continues, “I left, and that was shitty of me and I’m sorry but right now there are more urgent matters at hand.”

“More important than our relationship?”

Penelope thinks of the unconscious man in the dusty wine cellar. “Honestly, yeah. Look I have- I’ve got this situation with Theo-”

“Oh, what happened? You break his heart too?”

“I didn’t break your heart-”

“You’re not really the decider of that, Pen,” Colin cuts her off and, even though there’s an instinct in Penelope to keep arguing, she refrains. He lets out a light laugh. “Alright, you didn’t break his heart, what is it, then? You kill him?”

Penelope flinches slightly, pretty soon he’s going to realise just how close he is to the truth. “Not exactly…”

xxx

Today hasn’t gone the way Colin thought it would at all. 

This morning, he’d woken up hopeful and ready to take on the day. He’d had the love of his life in his bed and he was ready to show her that they belonged together. He hadn’t fought hard enough for her the first time and he’d lost her. He sure as hell wasn’t about to let that happen again. Yes, they were broken up, but they didn’t need to stay that way. She’d been with him all night at the rehearsal dinner, at his side, only really talking to him, laughing with him- that had to mean something. It meant everything to him. 

But then he’d opened his eyes and it honestly looked like Pen had never been there in the first place. The only real reminder had been her smell of lavender and honey on the sheets. 

He’s barely seen her at all today.

And now she’s dragging him away from everybody and he has no idea where they’re going. Colin knows that he shouldn’t really be doing this, Penelope broke up with him, he thinks he’d be well within his rights to tell that she lost the right to ask him for help when she did that. But he’s not going to say that, he’s never going to say that. Partially because he’ll take any excuse he can to be near Pen, but more so because there’s this one annoyingly undeniable truth in his heart. 

Colin Bridgerton will do anything for Penelope Featherington. 

Eventually, they get to the orangery and Pen lets go of him, pacing so much he thinks she might actually wear a hole in the floor. Eventually she stops and turns to look at him, nerves clear as day in her expression. 

“Pen…” Colin begins a tad cautiously. “What’s going on?”

“I’m going to show you,” she says.“But before you judge me, I feel like I should just say- things got very out of hand very quickly- honestly this whole situation has gotten away from me a little bit and what you’re about to see may look like a slightly disproportionate reaction on my end but in my defence-”

He’s listening, he is, but he’s also found himself getting a little fixated on a different detail as well. “Why are you holding your hand like that? Are you hurt?”

“What?” Penelope questions, she looks at how she’s cradling her hand, and then back at him again. “Oh, that. Um- it’s not massively important right now-”

“Penelope.”

She grimaces, “Alright, fine. Punching people hurts.”

“You punched Theo?” Comes Colin’s immediate response, his eyes widening. Dread immediately begins to bubble up inside of him as the number of scenarios that could have led to that outcome run through his mind. “Did he try something with you? Did he hurt you?” 

“No! Oh my God, no, not at all!”

“Then why the hell did you have to punch him?” Colin asks, voice raising slightly. “If he didn’t do anything, was it something that he said? Did he disrespect you?” 

“I- well, yes, a little bit but-”

“Right, I’m gonna kill him.”

“What?” Penelope says as he all but storms past her. “Colin, wait! I haven’t told you the whole story yet!”

But he’s already storming down the stairs. “Sharpe, I swear to God I’m gonna…”

Colin’s words escape him as he tries to comprehend the sight in front of him. Theo, tied up, gagged with his own tie. He blinks, and then he turns to Penelope. 

“Okay, so I know that this looks bad, but hear me out…” Pen begins frantically. “He was planning on ruining the wedding!” 

“What?” 

“He wanted to tell Eloise how he feels about her during the ceremony, that would destroy everything, obviously I can’t let that happen.”

“So you punched him and tied him up?”

“I punched him because he’s a dick,” Penelope says and Colin’s reminded of the fact that he still doesn’t know what he did to disrespect her. Before he can ask, Penelope keeps going, “and I’ve already admitted that this maybe wasn’t the most proportionate reaction, but I think we can make it work.”

“Make what work? A hostage situation?” The question leaves Colin’s lips with a heavy sense of incredulity. 

“It’s not a hostage situation!” Penelope defends and then shrinks slightly at the looks of disbelief from him and Theo. “... Okay, it is a hostage situation but-”

“Pen, you have to let him go,” Colin says.

“I’m sorry, did you miss the part where I said he’s going to ruin the wedding?”

“I know that what he's doing is shitty,” Colin says, giving a pointed look to Theo as he pulls down the gag. “Very shitty. But we can’t keep him here.”

“Why not?”

“Maybe because it’s against the law?”

“It’s not like we’re gonna torture him!” 

“I’m not really sure that that would hold up in court, Pen.”

She sighs. “Look, it’s just until after the ceremony. Eloise deserves to have a perfect wedding, and that’ll never happen if Theo goes through with his stupid plan.”

“Hey!” Theo protests, they both ignore him.

 “I agree that El deserves to have a perfect wedding, but that also won’t happen if she realises one of her own bridal party has gone AWOL.”

“I think there might be a solution to that,” Penelope says, a conspiratorial look in her eyes that he both loves and gets nervous at the sight of. “You drive Theo’s car away from the venue, and then run back. And while you’re doing that, I’ll text Eloise from Theo’s phone, pose as him, and say that there’s been an emergency so he’s had to leave.” 

“Won’t she be pissed at me for leaving?” 

Penelope turns to glare at the man she’s essentially holding captive. “I think being a bit pissed at you before the ceremony is a lot better than being extremely pissed off and mortified during the ceremony.”

“Well, who’s to say that she’d get pissed off with me during the ceremony if I-”

“Oh my god, Theo, shut up,” she groans before turning to him with hopeful eyes. “So? What do you think, Col?” 

He can’t help but hesitate. “I don’t know, Pen…”

“Please, Colin,” she asks gently, taking his hand in hers. He looks at their joined hands, a plethora of memories coming back to him. She’s always done this with him, held his hands with a gentleness that only belongs to her. She’s done it to comfort him, to support him, for all sorts of reasons really. She’d done this when she broke up with him, towards the end of it when they were both crying, she’d held his hands just like she is now and begged him through her tears not to hate her. He’d wanted to, God how he’d wanted to, but hating Penelope was something- is something- that could never be possible for him. “You’re the only person that I trust to help me with this. I can’t do this without you.”

In that moment, two facts that Colin’s known all along hit him again at full force. 

He’s just as in love with Penelope Featherington as he’s always been. 

And he really would do absolutely anything for her. 

It’s because of those two reasons he sighs and says, “find his keys for me.”

“Yes! Oh my god, thank you, Colin, I lo-” Penelope cuts herself and, like a deer caught in headlights, she freezes. Silence consumes the room completely, and for a moment, it’s like Colin can see his own heart hanging in the balance. “Thank you, really. This- this means a lot to me, Colin.”

She turns away from him then, frantically going to search Theo for his car keys. She finds them in his pocket and grabs them, along with his phone, and throws them to him without meeting his eyes. With that, Colin takes off.

He’s not entirely sure of what just happened, whether or not Penelope meant what she nearly said, if she said or instinct, if she wanted to say it but meant it in a different way now- he really has no idea. 

(Weirdly enough, it’s that last idea that hurts the most. To have Penelope’s love but not in the way he so desperately wants- he’ll take what he can get but it would still hurt all the same.)

There are so many many possibilities that Colin could mull over, but he doesn’t give himself the chance. 

He runs to Theo’s car and lets the sounds of the road drown out his thoughts.

xxx

“You know that what you’re doing is super fucked, right?”

“Shut up, Theo.”

“Like, seriously fucked.”

“I really don’t-”

“It’s so fucked and I bet when Eloise finds out she’ll-”

“I bet when Eloise finds out she’ll thank me because stopping you from ruining the ceremony is far more important than letting you destroy it,” Penelope finally snaps. Colin’s only been gone for a few minutes and she’s already heavily contemplating putting that gag back in Theo’s mouth.

“You could be taking away her chance at happily ever after.”

“Philip is her happily ever after, not sure if you realised, but that’s kind of why she’s marrying him,” Pen says, her eyes rolling practically of their own volition. “Now come on, give me the password to your phone.”

“No.”

“Oh, come on, Theo-”

“You seriously think I’m going to help you sabotage my own plan?” 

“Fine, I’m just going to guess your password,” Penelope says, typing El’s birthday into his phone, unlocking it instantly. She turns to him. “Seriously?”

“Oh, like your password isn’t Colin’s birthday.”

Penelope’s lips press into a thin line, “it’s not anymore.” 

It’s the date of their first kiss, but Hell will freeze over before she lets Theo know that. 

“Right, I forgot who I’m talking to,” Theo scoffs. “You know what, say what you want about me, but at least my love for Eloise isn’t disposable.”

“I swear Theo, I will punch you again,” Penelope threatens. “You don’t know anything about me and Colin, and you don’t know anything about our breakup so- and please know that I mean this everything I have- shut the fuck up.”

Theo pulls a face that makes Penelope’s urge to punch Theo, or possibly worse, infinitely higher, but still, she resists it and goes onto his messages and starts typing.

Theo: hey el, so sorry but i’ve had a work emergency

Theo: just had to take off but have a great wedding!

Penelope gulps, El is so busy today, who knows if she’ll even see the text before th-

Ding!

El: you had a work emergency???

El: on a saturday????

El: istg theo you better not be fucking with me

El: bc if you are i will actually kill you

Theo: not a joke unfortunately 

Theo: cant wait to see all the pictures

The screen changes abruptly, and panic spikes up instantly for Penelope. 

‘El is calling…’ 

She does the only thing she can think of, she sends it voicemail. And then does that again. And again. 

‘El is calling…’ 

‘El is calling…’ 

‘El is calling…’ 

“Oh for fuck’s sake Eloise,” Penelope mutters. 

Theo: cant call

Theo: on the road

El: you cant call but you can text?

… Well, she’s got her there. 

Theo: gtg

Theo: talk to you soon

Theo’s phone keeps buzzing after that, but Penelope pays no attention to it, turning to her sort of hostage, she says, “it’s done.”

“Congratulations,” he says, voice rife with sarcasm. 

Penelope ignores him, glancing at her watch and mumbling to herself, “God, Colin better be here soon.” 

“Well, maybe if he’s not it’ll be karma,” Theo suggests smarmily. “But speaking of Colin… are you guys going to talk about the fact that you practically just said that you love him?”

“Right, the gag is going back in.”

xxx

Penelope isn’t sure she’s ever felt as much relief as she does when Colin finally runs down the stairs of the wine cellar and declares, “okay, all done.”

“Oh, thank god,” she says, going over to him. “I seriously owe you one, Col. Thank you.”

“Of course,” he replies before glancing over at Theo. “You put the gag back in?”

“He deserved it,” is all she says, and Colin grimaces immediately. “Okay, I’ve been down here for ages so I probably need to go show my face to the guests and check on El. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

She rushes out after that. It’s almost odd, she’s been doing everything she possibly can to give Eloise the perfect wedding day, and because of that she’s barely seen Eloise since this morning. When she reaches the bridal suite, she finds her best friend pacing the floor, her face coloured bright red and smoke practically coming out of her ears. For a second, Penelope feels guilty that she has to play dumb about everything. “El?” 

Eloise turns to her and her posture loosens by a fraction. “Pen, thank God. Why haven’t you been answering your phone?”

Penelope winces, she’d been so busy dealing with Theo’s phone she’d practically forgotten about her own. “Sorry, I was dealing with some last minute wedding mishaps- all sorted now though! What’s up?”

“Theo fucking left.”

Penelope bites her lip, trying her best to seem shocked. “Shit, really? Do you know why?” 

“He said he had a work emergency but I know that that’s bullshit,” Eloise states, sitting down and letting her head flop into her hands.

Pen kneels in front of her, taking her hand. “El, I know that that sucks, but the rest of us are here for you and you don’t need Theo-”

“No, I know, and I don’t even care that much that Theo left,” El admits before huffing. “Well, no, him leaving was a dick move and I am pissed about it- but I’m more annoyed that I can’t get a hold of him now because I have no idea if he took the veil with him.”

“The veil?”

The veil.

Motherfu-

“Yeah,” she nods, a forlorn look spreading across her features. “And I know it’s just a veil and not having it won’t really have any affect on the ceremony but I was actually excited about it, you know? It’s hardly a secret that I’m not always the best at expressing my feelings- but the veil- having all of Phil’s favourite flowers embroidered onto it- that’s like the most romantic thing I’ve ever thought of in my life, and it was just such a perfect way to show Philip how much I love him, and I can live without it but…”

Her heart twinges at the melancholy on her best friend’s face. She gives her hand a reassuring squeeze. “Daphne, Fran and Hy are all mingling with guests right now, maybe he left it with one of them before he took off, I’ll go check now, okay?” 

Eloise nods. “Thanks, Pen.” 

Penelope rushes off, the determination in her veins getting her back to the orangery and down the steps of the wine cellar. She all but stormed over to Theo, ripping the gag from his mouth and demanding, “tell me what you did the veil right now.”

“The veil?” he smirks. “I picked it up, obviously. What do you take me for?”

“You don’t want to know the answer to that question,” she mutters. “Well, where did you put it? Because it’s not with Eloise.”

His smugness only grows, and the only reason Penelope’s blood doesn’t boil is because there’s too much ice in it right now. “Where do you think?”

And that’s when it hits her. “It’s in your fucking car.”

“Bingo.”

“Oh my god, you’re such a prick.”

“I think this serves you right, honestly,” Theo says like the dickhead that he is. “If you hadn’t been such a-”

“Finish that sentence and see what happens, Sharpe,” Colin warns him, his voice more menacing than Penelope’s ever heard. 

She swears her heart skips a beat at the intense look in his eyes. It’s the sort of thing that, a mere six months ago, would have her jumping his bones. The desire to do that is certainly still there, but Penelope pushes it down. Theo rolls his eyes. “I’m just saying, maybe this really is karma, thanks to you, Eloise thinks I’ve bailed on her wedding, she probably hates me now.”

She would be angry at that but, frankly, she’s in far too much disbelief. “You do remember why I tied you up, don’t you?”

“I’m just saying-”

“Well, don’t,” she snaps. “Okay. Okay, okay, okay- we can figure this out. I could… run to the car! Yeah, I could run to the car, grab the veil and run back. It won’t take that long, right?”

“The ceremony starts in twenty minutes,” Colin says with a frown. “It took me that long to run back here.”

“Shit,” Penelope shakes her head, racking her brain for any solution. Eventually she lands on, “I could cycle! Eloise and Phillip have their whole ‘just married’ bicycle, I could borrow it, go to the car, and then cycle back with the veil, if I leave right now I could probably make it back just in time. Yeah- yeah that could work.”

“I’m not so sure, Pen.”

“I think it’s our only option, Colin,” she replies, wishing that that wasn’t true. “Send me the location, I’ll meet you upstairs in ten minutes, maybe fifteen.”

Colin hesitates and then nods, throwing her Theo’s car kets. Penelope runs out and straight to where the bike is. The second she receives the location she’s off. 

She can’t quite believe it, but she’s really fucking missing the time when she thought her biggest problem today would be seeing Colin. 

xxx

 “You know, you’ve really fucking outdone yourself, Theo.”

“What can I say?” Theo smirks, and Colin thinks that he may be a few seconds away from wiping it clean off. “I did it for love. Surely you can understand that.”

Colin grimaces. “I’m not so sure I do.”

“Really? I mean, look at everything you’ve done for love today,” he goes on anyway. “Holding a man hostage? Basically becoming an accomplice in kidnapping? Hardly the actions of the golden boy Colin Bridgerton that everyone here knows and loves.”

His grimace only deepens at that, hearing it laid out like that… It really does sound a bit insane. “Listen-”

“It’s so obvious that Penelope still has you wrapped around her finger,” he drawls. “You’re doing all of this for a girl that everyone knows dumped you a few months ago.”

His jaw clenches, he may be right, but Colin will die before he admits that. “shut the fuck up, Theo.”

“It’s obvious that you still love her, anyone can see it,” the twat drawls. “I’m pretty sure she can see it too. Why do you think she came to you to help her?”

A sinking feeling creeps its way into his stomach. “Because she trusts me.”

“Because she knows that you will,” he says. “Because she realises that you’re still pathetically in love with her and you’ll do anything for her, that you’ll always be there when she needs you.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” 

“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t,” Theo shrugs. “I’m just saying, it must work out pretty well for Penelope that she can always go to you when she needs you. I mean, she doesn’t speak to you for months and then suddenly decides to cozy up to you at the rehearsal dinner to what? Make herself feel better? Sooth her nerves? And then now, when she’s created this colossal mess, obviously she can count on you. Do you really think she’s always coming to you because she loves you? I would wager it’s all because she knows that she can use you.”

“Do you want a broken jaw? Because you’re pretty fucking close to getting one.”

“Whether you break my jaw or not it’s still true, and I think you know that,” he says, voice calm in a way that makes Colin’s blood boil. “And if you seriously think that helping Penelope with all of this will win her back, I’ve got some bad news for you.”

Colin can feel the last threads of control he has over his temper snapping. “Yeah, full offence, but I’m not listening to a word you say. Given the situation you’re in, I’d hardly call you an expert on love.”

“Oh what? You think I’m delusional or something?” The prick laughs derisively. “I mean, you can if you want, but if you think doing all of this for Penelope is going to magically make her take you back, what does that make you?” 

Rage bubbles up inside of him like lava, scorching and guaranteed to leave a trail of destruction if it isn’t contained and kept away from everyone. With venom dripping from every word, he spits out, “fuck you, Theo.”

He goes up the stairs, trying not to let his vision become overly clouded with red. Theo doesn’t know shit. Not about him, not about Pen, and certainly not about their relationship. He’s wrong. He just is. 

(There’s a part of him that thinks maybe Theo isn’t entirely wrong and, honestly, it scares him more than he can say.)

(He also doesn’t know this, but he probably should have stayed in the room, because moments after he leaves Theo manages to free one of his wrists.)

xxx

Penelope did it. She fucking did it. 

She got the veil, she got back, gave it to Eloise, and she still has about five minutes to spare, Penelope’s not sure she’s ever felt such intense relief in her life. When she gets to the orangery and sees Colin, she’s beaming. “Okay, Eloise has the veil, we’re in the clear. Come on, the ceremony is gonna start soon so we should probably-”

“Why did you ask me to help you today?”

She feels everything inside of her freeze. “What?”

“Why did you ask me to help you today?” Colin repeats. “You could have asked anybody, surely one of my sisters would have helped you out.”

“They- they had bridesmaid duties-”

“And I had best man duties,” he says. “But you still asked me. Why?”

“Because- because you- I-” Penelope splutters out. “I don’t know, Colin. Because I trust you, because I knew that I could count on you to help me.”

“Are those the only reasons?” He presses, stepping closer to her. “Not because you know that I still love you?” 

All the breath leaves her lungs. “What?” 

“Come on, don’t act like you don’t already know it,” he tells her, but he doesn’t sound angry, he sounds tired. Exhausted, really. “I still love you, I never stopped, and I’m pretty sure you love me too.”

Penelope bites her lip. “If you’re talking about earlier, that was just a reflex-”

“Was it?” Colin cuts her off, coming closer to her. “I’m pretty sure it wasn’t.” 

She wants to argue, she knows that she should argue with that, but the wedding is going to start in any minute and she really doesn’t have the time. “Can we not do this right now-”

“When are we supposed to do it then?!” His voice raises, startling her slightly. Penelope’s fairly sure she can count the number of times she’s seen Colin get properly angry on one hand. Even when she broke up with him, he never got angry. “It’s not like you’ll answer my texts, or my calls, you’re happy to talk to me when you need me, but if you don’t, you just run away before we can have a real conversation!”

She looks away from him. “So this is about this morning, is it?”

“Of course it is!” Colin practically explodes. The pain in his voice fucking breaks her heart, but she’s not sure that she has any right to feel that way, not when she put that pain there in the first place. “I thought- I thought that things had changed- that maybe you changed your mind- that you might- that you might want to be with me again.”

“Colin-”

“I mean- last night was good, right?” He questions. “And not just… that. The whole night, us being in the corner, gossiping during the rehearsal dinner? That felt right to me, Pen. I thought that you felt it too. And this morning- This morning I thought that maybe you’d be open to us giving things another go- I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend again and-”

“I know, Colin,” she interrupts him before she can think better of it. 

The way he tenses up is immediate. “What do you mean, you know?” 

“I… I know that you were going to ask me to be your girlfriend again,” she admits, gulping as she glances at the floor. “I grabbed your phone by accident, I- I saw your group chat with your brothers.” 

“So you knew that I was going to ask you to give us another chance and you just left anyway?” 

The raw hurt in Colin’s voice makes her flinch. “I-”

“Is that why you left? Because you knew what I would say when I woke up?” Colin questions and, at her cowardly silence, he lets out a bitter laugh. “What? Could you not be bothered to break my heart a second time?” 

“I already told you, I didn’t break your heart-”

“Oh my god, Penelope! Yes, you did!” He shouts. “And you’re not the decider of that shit. You’re so determined to think that you’re not important- when you’re absolutely everything- you don’t even realise the power you have to hurt people. To hurt me. You really fucking hurt me.”

“I- I didn’t mean to,” Penelope says and then winces. “I mean- no, obviously I knew that the break up would hurt you- I just didn’t realise it would you hurt you so much- I thought you’d get over it after a week and-”

“And what exactly gave you the impression that I’d get over so easily, huh?” Colin asks, laughing in a way that’s tinged with disbelief and bitterness. “When I called you the love of my life? When I told you that I was going to marry you as soon as you let me propose? When I told you that I wanted to have children with you?” 

Her heart, everything inside of her actually, jolts at that, but she does her best to hide it. “You said a lot of that stuff to Marina and you got over her pretty qui-”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Colin says, looking and sounding angrier than she’s ever seen before. “Don’t you ever compare what you and I have to what happened with Marina. I didn’t know Marina, not really. I was infatuated with her, I’m in love with you. Even after you broke my heart, even after you left me again this morning. I still fucking love you”

Tears spring to her eyes. “Colin, please-”

“You want to know what the worst part about this is?” he questions with yet another angry chuckle. “You still haven’t told me why you did it.”

“I… I did tell you. I saw your phone and I-”

“I’m not talking about this morning, Penelope!” He yells. “You still haven’t told me why you broke up with me in the first place!”

She desperately tries to blink back her tears but, judging by the wetness she can feel on her cheeks, she’s pretty sure that she’s not succeeding. “I told you, we just- we weren’t going to work in the long run.”

“That’s not a reason if you can’t tell me why! Why would we not work in the long run?!” 

Because he would get tired of her. He would want something else- a different life, one that he couldn’t really have with her- and not be able to break up with her, out of guilt, out of obligation, because he’s too good a man to break her heart. Those were all the things Penelope thought three months ago when she was crying on her bathroom floor, coming to the realisation that she needed to break up with him, she just couldn’t tell him that. 

She couldn’t do it then and, as much as she hates herself for it, she can’t do it now. 

“Why does it matter, Colin?” Penelope asks tiredly. “We’re not going to work so what’s the point of doing this right n-”

“Because you’re not giving me the chance to prove you wrong!” Colin shouts. “If you could give me one reason that we shouldn’t be together, I guarantee I could give you a hundred reasons why we should, but that’s just it! You can’t even give me one!”

She looks away from him, to the door, on the other side of it everyone is probably taking their seats. Penelope knows that he deserves better, she just doesn’t know how to be better.  “The wedding is going to start any minute now. We need to go.” 

She moves to leave, but right as she gets to the door, his voice rings out, “you wanna know what I think?” 

“Colin, we don’t have time-”

“I think that you got scared.”

He’s trying to get a rise out of her, to pull a response from her. She shouldn’t say anything, she should just leave. 

But all Penelope does is turn around. “What did I have to be scared of?”

It’s a stupid question to ask, she already knows the answer. Everything. She knew it then and she knows it now, but she hates how quickly Colin manages to break down her walls to get to the root of the issue so right now she still has to pretend that the walls are up anyways, otherwise she’s completely defenceless. 

“The fact that I loved you,” Colin tells her. “I loved you then, I love you now and I’m going to love you in every lifetime, and that’s not the kind of love that you’re used to receiving so you got scared and you left. Maybe you were trying to hurt me because you were scared that if you didn’t, I would hurt you first, I don’t know. What I do know is that what we have- not had, have- is pretty special. And I know we can get back to where we were- you just need to let me in. Please, Pen, let me in.” 

Tears well in her eyes that she quickly wipes away, she can’t ruin her make up right now. Goddamn Colin and his goddamn romantic speeches. 

“You need to let me go, Colin,” Penelope forces the words out, they’re just above a whisper. She doesn’t look at him as she says it, she’s terrified that if she does, he’ll see just how precisely “We don’t work- we’re never going to work, and the sooner you accept that the better.”

And then Penelope leaves the orangery, puts this whole nightmare of a morning behind her, and makes her way over to the greenhouse.

xxx

Penelope’s at the greenhouse, Theo is still tied up, her plan has worked, she should feel relieved- but she’s still got relentless pins and needles.

It’s probably because of Colin, that’s what she tells herself, but it doesn’t feel entirely true. 

The music starts and the pairs start walking down the aisle. Colin comes to her side and she looks at him cautiously. “Colin…”

“Don’t,” he says immediately, she thinks that he wants to sound sharp, but he honestly just sounds defeated. “Let’s just- let’s just focus on celebrating El.”

Penelope nods, her voice caught in her throat. She’s not sure why she wants to say more, there isn’t anything left to say. She just hates hurting him, and as much as she wishes she could take that pain away from him, she also knows that she can’t. Not this time. 

Colin offers his arm to her, which she takes as they begin to walk down the aisle. It’s bittersweet, Penelope really is so happy for Eloise, but she also can’t stop thinking about how she used to dream about walking down the aisle and having Colin at the end waiting for her. He used to tell her that he wanted their wedding colour scheme to be yellow and blue, to which she would roll her eyes and tell him absolutely not because yellow was far too tacky a colour. He would always get so offended whenever she said that, he’d make all these speeches about how beautiful she’s always looked beautiful in yellow, bullshit speeches in her eyes, but she appreciated them nonetheless. And, in all fairness, she knows that they weren’t bullshit to him, he always used to make little offhanded comments about missing her in yellow. When they were together, she would insist that yellow would never be a part of her wedding (their wedding, he would correct without a beat), she thinks that maybe, had they gotten to that point, she would have caved and let him have some yellow things. Flowers, maybe. 

They’ll never know now, and Penelope’s not really sure if she has the right to be upset about it. Can she really be upset about a door being closed to her when she’s the one who shut it? 

Penelope ultimately doesn’t get too much time to contemplate it or stew in her feelings because, once one of Phil’s groomsmen starts walking down the aisle, her heart all but stops. 

Theo is with him. 

Alarm bells blare in her head as she shoots a look of pure confusion to Colin, who’s staring straight back at her with the same expression. Panic rises inside of her like choppy tides- dear God, she’s gonna be sick. 

Theo takes his place, standing behind, he whispers just loud enough for her to hear, “bet you’re surprised to see me, huh?”

“It’s not like I was gonna keep you there forever,” she hisses back. 

“Well, looks like your little plan didn’t work so-”

“Just shut up, Theo,” she says for, what feels like, the hundredth time today, and luckily he does.

Eloise walks down the aisle, Violet by her side, she looks so beautiful and lovely and peaceful, and Philip is tearing up something fierce, it almost makes her forget about the nightmare that has been this whole day so far. She notices the micro expression her best friend pulls when she sees Theo, her face scrunching up slightly. When she gets to the end of the aisle, she turns to give her bouquet to Penelope and mouths to Theo, ‘we’ll talk about this later.’

The officiant begins the ceremony, but Penelope can barely hear any of her words over the roaring in her head. Theo’s presence behind her is making her skin crawl, she can feel the way he’s waiting for the time to object, and there’s no way in hell that she’s letting that happen. She has no idea how she’ll stop it, but she will. 

“If anyone has any reason to object to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.” 

Penelope turns around and sees Theo open his mouth so, before he can say a word, she yells out, “wait!”

… And now everyone’s eyes are on her. 

Great. 

When she said she was going to stop Theo, this was not how she imagined doing it. 

Penelope winces and then goes stand in front of Eloise, who’s looking at her like she’s grown a second head. “Pen?” 

“I am so sorry, El. I really didn’t want to do this. I actually tried really hard to stop this happening, but looks like it’s about to happen anyway so I need to say this because otherwise he,” she points behind her to Theo, “gets to have his moment and, believe me, he does not deserve to have his moment.” 

“Pen, what are you talking about?” 

She takes a breath. “Theo’s in love with you, El, and he was about to try and stop the ceremony to tell you.” 

Guests immediately started murmuring. Eloise stares at her, eyes wide. “What?”

“I-I overheard him earlier in the wine cellar, he had this whole speech and believe me- I tried so hard to convince him not to do this, I even- well, it doesn’t matter now, does it? I just- I wanted you to have a perfect day because you’re my best friend,” she confesses, taking El’s hands in hers. “I know what it’s like to have a perfect thing ruined because- well- because I ruined them. I’ve lost some of the best things in my life because, I don’t know- I was too scared to really have them or I didn’t believe I deserved them- I don’t really know how to have a lot of good things, so maybe I really don’t deserve them. But you do, and what you have with Philip is so beautiful and this day should be perfect and I- I know how badly it hurts to have a perfect thing ruined and I didn’t want that for you so I did everything I could to prevent it and- well, now I’m the one ruining your wedding, so obviously it didn’t work. But you can’t let Theo ruin this day for you either, you deserve better, both of you do, you deserve to have a beautiful, perfect wedding and no idiot with a pointless speech can take that away from you.” 

Penelope can’t look at Colin afterwards, he’d begged her to let her in earlier and she couldn’t bring herself to do it but now… she has. Even if she hasn't told him everything, she’s just admitted some of the most important parts of it. She’s okay with him knowing it, she thinks, but that doesn’t mean that he wants to see his reaction to it. 

“Oh, Pen, I love you so much,” Eloise declares, pulling her into a hug that she doesn’t see coming. Once she’s pulled away, the bride turns to her bridesman. “Theo?” 

Theo fidgets on the spot for a moment. “El, I’ve loved you for years now, really since the moment we met-”

But he doesn’t get to say anything more than that, because Eloise decks him before he can. 

“You fucking arsehole,” she seethes. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Whatever speech you had wouldn’t have worked on any day, to be clear, but my wedding day? How deluded do you have to be to think that this would be a good idea?”

“But- but El-” he tries to defend pathetically. 

Thankfully, El isn’t having any of it. “God, this is so annoying on so many levels. I fucking trusted you, Theo, I thought we were proving When Harry Met Sally wrong! I thought that we were proof that men and women can be friends- except you’re not a man, you’re a pathetic piece of dogshit who apparently wants to destroy the happiest day of my life.”

“Eloise it’s- it’s only because I love you!”

“Well, you have a pretty sick way of showing it,” she says, her voice matching the clear disgust showing on her face. “You’re supposed to know me Theo, did you seriously think that this would be something that I would like?” 

He falters at that. “I- Well…”

“You have the nerve to say that you love me when you don’t even know how to express it in a way that would suit me?” Eloise rants, before pointing to Philip. “You want to know how to actually love me, Theo? Look at this man! This incredible man who loves me in all these different ways that I never knew I needed, in all these ways that are perfect for me. He gives me the space to be exactly who I am, but he still challenges me when I need it. He’s kind, he listens to me, he’s never once made me feel like I’m too much because I’m passionate about things. His love is quiet and stable- it’s secure. It’s not show-boaty, over the top or self centred like this whole thing you’re doing- trying to look some romantic fucking hero.” 

“Eloise…” Theo trails off helplessly. 

“No. Nope. Get out, Theo, and I swear to God if you ever try to contact me again I will shove my foot so far up your arse it will-”

“Okay! Okay, I’m going,” Theo finally gives in. He practically runs away, tail very much between his legs, Penelope mentally cheers as she watches the sight. 

Penelope looks out to the crowd, who are all staring at Eloise with eyes the size of saucers. Violet and Agatha are even covering the twins’ ears. She looks back to El, who blinks, shakes her hand a little bit, and then smiles, “shall we get on with this wedding, then?” 

xxx

It’s almost remarkable how quickly everyone manages to move on with the day as if nothing happened.

Perhaps it’s because almost every big Bridgerton event in recent years has gone up in flames (metaphorically… for the most part) in one way or the other. Really, considering the ways some other events have gone wrong in the past, what happened today was quite tame. Overall, Penelope thinks that she succeeded in her goals, maybe it’s not been a perfect day completely, but it’s certainly not been ruined either, and that’s all she can ask for, really. 

She sits in the orangery, listening to the faint music of the reception, and simply taking a moment to breathe, when a voice rings out behind her. “I thought I might find you here.”

Colin. Of course. “You’ve always been good at finding me, haven’t you?” 

“One of my best talents,” Colin smiles, almost proudly before faltering. “But if you want to be alone I can leave you be. It’s just- today’s been intense, I wanted to check on you.” 

“Intense feels like an understatement” she replies, laughing lightly. “But yeah, I’m okay, mostly just relieved that the whole nightmare is over, you?”

“About the same, really,” he says. A brief silence falls over them. “Have you talked to El? Does she know about what happened this morning?” 

“Yeah, she pulled me aside during the reception and I told her everything, I don’t think she’s ever been more proud of me in my life. Apparently me holding a man hostage on her wedding day is, and I quote, ‘pretty fucking awesome’ to her. She even said she wished she could have helped, though that could just be her anger at Theo talking. She’s still pretty livid with him.”

“Understandably so, but I don’t think that really has much to do with it. Wanting to hold a man who pissed her off hostage at her wedding seems one hundred per cent like something Eloise would do,” Colin says. 

“You’re not wrong,” Penelope laughs, silence taking up the space when it fades.

“Um, anyways,” Colin clears his throat awkwardly. “I’m sorry for disturbing you, I can go back to the reception if you wa-”

“No, no, it’s okay, don’t apologise,” she reassures him instantly. Pushing past her own nerves, Penelope pats the seat next to her. “Would you sit with me?”

His eyes widen, equal parts hope and fear, and it almost makes her sad to see how such a simple request from her can elicit such immediate, open vulnerability from him. “Are you sure?”

Penelope gives him, what she hopes is, a reassuring smile and nods. He hesitates for a moment longer before ultimately coming to sit next to her. She bites her lip, trying to figure out where to start, before realising that this has always been part of the problem. Colin’s always seen her, and it’s scared her, so she’s tried to have some control over it, tried to manage which parts of her he’s gotten to see. Cherry picking what she tells him, going over every piece of information she does and doesn’t share with a fine tooth comb. In the moment, it felt like a good idea, but now she’s beginning to realise that the things she thought she was keeping to herself didn’t really just stay with her. All of those almost spoken sentiments fell between her and Colin, creating a chasm that he’s never even fully understood was there. She’s the one that really knows about it, so she’s going to be the one to cross it, even if it means building a bridge with all the things she’s still scared to tell him, all the sentiments that haven’t fallen into the chasm yet. She can’t let them. Not this time. 

She’ll tell him everything. Maybe he’ll still want her at the end of it, maybe he won’t. Either way, Penelope will be able to walk away knowing that, for the first time in far too long, she’s been completely honest. She might still be heartbroken but, if nothing else, she’ll have that.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” she begins, “I was way too harsh and I shouldn’t have-”

“No, no- that was my fault, honestly,” he shakes his head. “I was pushing for a conversation at the completely wrong time. I get why you lashed out.”

“And I get why you pushed for the conversation,” Penelope admits. “I know it’s a conversation that you’ve been wanting to have for a while, and I’m really sorry that it’s taken so long… I’m ready to have that conversation with you now, if you still want to.” 

The speed at which Colin nods almost feels comical. “Of course I want to.”

“Okay. Uh- good. That’s good,” Penelope cringes at herself, when did she forget how to interact with other human beings? She takes a breath summoning as much of her courage as she possibly can. “Colin, there’s- there’s something that I need to tell you.”

He holds her hand, squeezing it gently. “I’m listening.” 

She lets her gaze fall to the floor. She can tell him this- she can. She’s just not sure she can look at him while she does. “I had a pregnancy scare.”

Penelope still doesn’t look at him, but she does know him, and she knows that his eyes are widening to double their size. “You did?” 

She nods, eyes screwing shut. “About three months ago.” 

Finally, she steals a glance at him, watches him process the information in real time. “Before or after we…?”

“Before,” she confirms. “It was- it was the week before you left for New York.” 

“Is that why you broke up with me?” Colin questions. Penelope can’t bring herself to answer him, but she knows that he knows the answer. In an instant, he sags. “Oh, Pen. Why?”

He doesn’t even sound angry with her, just sad. “Because you were right before, I did get scared, Colin. We hadn’t been together all that long and you- you were still travelling all the time, a baby didn’t exactly fit into your schedule. What if the test had been positive? You would have had to give up your whole lifestyle to accommodate a baby that you never asked for.”

“I was already going to give up travelling, you know that,” Colin reminds her with a frown. “New York was supposed to be my last trip.”

“I know, but I always assumed that you would change your mind,” Penelope confesses, she’s never said that out loud before. “I thought you would get bored eventually of London of- of us- and when you did you could pick up where you left off. Just book another trip and go. I always wanted you to have that option, and if I’d actually been pregnant- you wouldn’t. And I felt like, if we stayed together, it only would have been a matter of time before it would be an actual pregnancy and then there would’ve been a baby and you would have been stuck with me forever and-”

“I never would have been stuck with you, I wanted to be with you for the rest of our lives- I want to be with you for the rest of our lives,” Colin says, holding her hand. “Pen, if you’d been pregnant, I would’ve been over the moon. We’d talked about having kids, surely you know that I-”

“We talked about having kids in the future- like, the far future- and I wasn’t,” Penelope pauses briefly, looking down. “I wasn’t sure if we would ever actually get to that point.”

“You know, when you say it like that, it kind of sounds like you had one foot out the door,” Colin says, and she can hear all of the hurt underneath it, even though he says the words lightly. 

“I think I did,” she admits, once again for the first time, looking back at him, hoping he’ll be able to see the sincerity of her next words in her eyes. “I’m sorry- I’m so sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t want to have a foot out the door but everything about us felt too good to be true and I was always waiting for things to fall apart- for you to change your mind- you leaving felt so inevitable to me so I-”

“So you left first,” he concludes with a frown. “Pen, I love you, but you have to stop doing that. You can’t keep making decisions based on a hypothetical future in your head that hasn’t even happened. I’m not the hypothetical future Colin you keep thinking about- you can’t keep treating me like I am. Or like me turning into him is some kind of foregone conclusion.” 

“I…” Penelope tries to find her words. She knows that everything Colin’s saying is true, but it still feels a bit jarring to hear it said so plainly. “You’re right- I’m sorry. I know that that’s not fair to you. I think I’m- I’m kind of hardwired to expect the worst from life. I need to work on that.”

“Maybe, but we all have stuff we need to work on, it’s okay,” he reassures her, his grip on her hand tightening slightly, it makes her heart warm. “I just… wish you’d had more faith in us. I know why you didn’t but- I don’t know, I thought after everything we’ve been through you’d be able to trust what we have a bit more. I mean, if you’d been pregnant, we could’ve done it, couldn’t we? We were really happy back then, or at least, I-I thought we were.”

“We were, Colin,” she says, taking her turn to reassure him because she doesn’t want him thinking she was miserable and insecure the whole time they were together. Well, okay, maybe she was fairly insecure the whole time but, “I have never been happier than when I was with you. But you have to understand… My parents were happy once too.”

He blinks at her. “What?” 

“My parents weren’t always miserable and resentful, I’m not sure if they were ever actually in love but… yeah, they were happy, at one point anyway. But then my mum got pregnant with Prudence, so they felt like they had to get married. But neither of them would admit that they weren’t happy, so they had Phillipa, and then they still wouldn’t admit it so my mum got pregnant with me, but by the time I was born… I don’t know, I think they’d accepted that they weren’t happy, but it was just too late. They were three kids deep, still too stubborn to divorce so they- they just resigned themselves to their lot in life. When I was a kid I never understood why my family was so different from yours, why your family was so happy and filled with love when mine was neither. As an adult, I get it- and honestly, it makes me really sad to think about.”

“Pen…” Colin begins cautiously. 

“I found this photo album when I was younger,” she keeps going, she went into this telling herself that she would put all of her cards on the table, and that’s exactly what she’s doing. “My sisters locked me in the attic and I came across it. You know how people say they can see the light drain from someone’s eyes? I used to think that that phrase was just a bit of exaggeration, but then I think about that album and I- I was too young to understand it at the time, but that’s essentially what I saw. In those first pictures, when they were just dating, they were genuinely, purely happy, and then bit by bit, with every picture, that just went away- and then by the time I got to the one taken in the hospital after I was born- their eyes were just… Empty. Completely empty.” 

“Penelope, that wasn’t because of you-”

“I mean, it kind of was, wasn’t it?” The question slips out of her before she can stop it, a self-deprecating smile on her lips. “I’m just saying, I know what it feels like to be a mistake baby. And when the pregnancy scare happened, I guess that was what scared me, that history was repeating itself. My parents were together for a year when mum got pregnant with Prudence, we’d only been together for six months. I couldn’t stop thinking that I was pregnant with a baby that we weren’t ready for, one that would tie you to me forever and make you stay with me out of some fucked sense of obligation because family is important to you and-”

“Pen, stop, you’re spiraling. Take a breath with me,” Colin instructs gently, placing his hands on her shoulders. He sucks in a breath and she does her best to follow him, she hadn’t even realised that she’d been hyperventilating. They do that a few more times before he speaks again. “Okay, let’s clear some things up. You are not a mistake baby- mistake babies aren’t even a thing, there are just parents who don’t deserve to have children. How could you possibly be a mistake when you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me? And as for our baby, Pen, it never would have been a mistake. I understand why you got scared, but we are not your parents. There’s actually a very key difference between us and them.”

That makes her raise an eyebrow. “There is?” 

“You said it yourself, you’re not sure if your parents were in love, and that sucks and I’m sorry that your house never had as much love in it as you deserved, but Pen- When we were together, we were in love,” Colin says and then hesitates, his vulnerability painted on his face like a masterpiece that only she gets to see. “We are in love, aren’t we?”

“Yes, we’re in love, Colin,” she reassures him, bringing a hand to rest on his cheek. The amount of relief that flooded onto his expression makes her feel a bit guilty, she hates that she’s made him so unsure of her feelings. “I’m still in love with you, I never stopped. When I broke up with you I- I thought that I was loving you enough to let you go.”

“I never wanted you to let me go,” Colin interrupts, leaning his hand into her palm. 

“I know,” she says, tears slowly trickling down her face. “I-I’m sorry-”

“No, no, you don’t need to keep apologising to me, it’s okay, Pen,” he says, covering the hand on his cheek with his own. 

She nods, holding back yet another apology. “I’m still trying to accept that I’m allowed to have good things, that I can deserve them.”

“You do deserve good things in life, Pen,” Colin tells her resolutely. “And for what it’s worth, I think you deserve a lot better than you think you do.” 

“I think you deserve better too,” she says with a sad smile before quietly confessing. “I’m sorry that I’m not… better.”

“Hey, what did we just say about apologies?” he nudges her playfully before his face falls into a more serious expression as he leans closer to her. “Pen, you’re everything I want. Just you. Exactly as you are.” 

“Even when I’m pushing you away?” 

“Yes, even when you’re pushing me away.”

She bites her lip. “I know you said that I don’t have to keep apologising- but I still need to tell you how sorry I am for pushing you away again this morning.”

“Oh, Pen you don’t have to-”

“No, I do,” she shakes her head. “Leaving the way I did was a coward’s move- but that’s because I was being a coward. I knew that if you asked me to be your girlfriend, I would say yes and I knew that I couldn’t so I didn’t give you the chance to ask.”

“But why couldn’t you?”

“Because you do deserve better, and that’s not me,” Penelope admits, wiping away the tears that have slipped from her eyes. “God, even now- there’s a part of me that still feels like I should tell you to let me go so you can find someone better, but I also really don’t want to tell you that and-”

“Then don’t,” Colin says firmly, taking her face in his hands. “Penelope, the only person that decides what I do and don’t deserve is me. And it’s not even that I deserve you- I know that I deserve to be happy, and you make me the happiest I’ve ever been, so no matter how much you push me away and think that I should be with someone else- it doesn’t matter. I only want you. I guess the only thing that really matters now is what you want. Not what you think you deserve, not what you think you should want, what you actually want.”

Penelope hesitates before resolve settles within her, it makes her feel complete. For the first time in a really long time, she’s going to do what she wants. 

She kisses him and it feels like coming home. 

His hands land on her cheeks, holding her face like she’s the most precious thing in the world. She lets her own hands drift to his curls, running her fingers through them, one of her favourite things to do. She feels incredible, she feels like she’s floating on air, she feels alive. 

These past few months, Penelope’s been drifting through her own life, surviving every moment but not really living it. Even last night, being with Colin had made her feel more normal than she had since the break up, but there had still been a fog of unresolved issues and hurt feelings surrounding them. Now, not every issue is solved, but there’s a clear path forward, and it’s one that she feels like she hasn’t seen in a really long time, she hadn’t realised just how much she missed until now, when it’s in her vision again. 

Eventually, with a gasp, she pulls away and tells him, “I want you. Just you. Always.” 

His eyes immediately fill with tears that start slowly falling down his cheeks, Penelope tries to wipe them away with her thumbs. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she confirms and now he’s the one trying to wipe tears off of her cheeks. God, what a pair they make. She bites her lip and then admits, “I might get scared again, and I swear I won’t want to but- but I might end up pushing you away again-”

“Are you going to work on it?” 

“What?” 

“Are you going to try not to push me away? Are you going to try and let me in a bit more when you get scared?”

“I mean- yeah, of course,” she replies, “I’m going to try but I still might fail-”

“That’s okay,” Colin reassures her. “I just need to know that we’re not going to fall into the same patterns that we did before. But now I know that we won’t. I don’t need you to be perfect, Pen, I just need you to try and let me help you, even when you get scared. And if you can’t, if you do push me away, then that’s okay, because this time I won’t let you. Honestly, I really regret not fighting for you harder when you first broke up with me, I knew that you were pushing away and I- I feel like I just let you-”

“You didn’t,” she shakes her head. “Colin, you and I both know that you fought for me, but I had a wall up and there’s only so long you can fight for someone who won’t let you fight for them. It’s not- Our break up is not on you.”

“It’s not completely on you either, there were times when I knew you were holding back, that you were pulling away- even before the break up, there were times when you would be vulnerable and then immediately retreat into yourself a bit- I wanted to say something so badly but I was always scared that if I pushed too hard you would pull away completely and I’d lose you,” Colin admits with a grimace. “But the thing is- that still happened anyway.”

She wants to argue, to tell him that he never lost her, not really- but she bites her lip. She supposes it doesn’t really matter if he never actually lost her if she made him feel like he did. But still, she can’t say nothing, so she tells him quietly, “I’ve always been yours, even when I was too scared to let you know that. I won’t- I won’t let that happen again.”

“Neither will I. I’m not losing you, not again,” Colin promises, resting his forehead against hers. “We’re going to talk to each other, really talk to each other, even when it’s hard, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Penelope agrees eagerly, holding his hands “I love you, and I’m all in. I want this, you- us, for the rest of our lives.”

“I love you too, Pen,” he grins, kissing her gently. “And I want us for the rest of our lives too.” 

She can’t help herself as she pulls him into yet another kiss, she cherishes the warmth encompassing her entire body, she’s going to hold onto that feeling for the rest of her life. When they pull away, they simply stare at each other, both of them taking the moment in. Today’s been hell, she’s been on an emotional rollercoaster that’s been so all over the place it should have had a waiver, trying to reign in chaos six ways from Sunday, she’s punched a guy and held him hostage for God’s sake. 

But all of it has led her to right now- she’s with the love of her life, and she’s pretty sure that all of this has weirdly made them stronger. So, really, it’s all been worth it, and she’d do it again if it meant that she could end up here with Colin. 

But now that they are here, Penelope knows that she promised to talk to him, and there’s one thing she needs to make perfectly clear. 

“Colin?”

“Yes, my love?” 

“When we get married, I want to elope.”

“Oh yeah, definitely.”