Work Text:
jonghyun is focused. to his delight the company has requested a second album from him, a full one this time, & he’s been writing consistently for weeks, the thoughts & emotions flowing out of him, creating songs he’s eager to share with the fans. but jonghyun is also furious. he is at the blue night studio when he is notified that the album he has been working on so studiously has had its release date pushed up a full month. what was once due for june is now due for may & he is not prepared. they knew that his health has been fragile as of late, it’s not secret, & now they are demanding that he promote immediately after tokyo dome. his phone vibrates in his hand & he glances down to see a message from jinki, a quick note letting jonghyun know that he’s still not feeling well & asking if he would come over after the show. jonghyun sends a sad emoji & a recommendation that he call their manager, furrowing his brow when he realizes that jinki has been ill for most of the week. making a mental note to message him later, jonghyun sets his phone aside as he prepares for the night’s broadcast.
jonghyun is flustered. he’s balancing a thermos of soup, a bag of chicken, & a bottle of soju in one hand as he types in the lock code on the keypad, hoping it’s still good. it’s been three days since he’s heard from jinki & his messages continue to go unanswered. he’s been so busy pulling the pieces of his album together that he might not even have noticed except that taemin had messaged him to ask if he’d heard from their leader &, upon jonghyun’s reply, texted back. taemin never texts back. it was enough to send jonghyun to jinki’s flat, hands laden with provisions, knocking on the solid door. now as he types in the code, praying it’s the correct one, he’s relieved to hear the lock click, entering the still silent apartment. it’s dark & messy & he distractedly slips off his shoes, scanning the flat for any signs of jinki. he hears footsteps from the hallway & suddenly jinki appears, pale & sweaty & braced against the wall. he smiles softly & says, “hey. what are you doing here?” jonghyun sets everything down on the kitchen table & walks over to jinki. “you haven’t answered any of my messages. i wanted to see you. are you alright?” jinki nods slowly, the action seeming to take a toll. “I’m not…I don’t feel quite right.” he takes a few steps forward & jonghyun watches with alarm as he faints dead away before him.
jonghyun is frustrated. jinki is still not well & jonghyun still has a schedule. thankfully it’s been pushed back to the end of june, ostensibly to fit in shinee promotions & the schedules of other artists. however jonghyun is running out of time & so is jinki. the bloodwork has come back inconclusive but his health continues to fail leaving him pale & sweaty, more so than before. & he shakes now, his walking unsteady & often in need of assistance to make it from room to room. symptoms jonghyun notices with trepidation, of what he can’t begin to imagine & it leaves him breathless to think of where all this might lead. he holds jinki at night, an unfamiliar position, so used they are to jinki being the comforter & jonghyun the comforted that the reversal of roles adds a certain element of fear to an already tense situation, one that leaves them both afraid & emboldened: as the promise of the day fades they find themselves grasping at every moment that remains. & so lines are finally crossed, words spoken, filling the cracks produced by the pressure bearing down on them. it’s soft & new & familiar, a burning candle in the dark. & so there are more whispers in public, more soft caresses, gentle grasping of jinki onto jonghyun, an anchor in these uncertain waters. & jonghyun holds jinki close, an arm around his shoulders, a familiar pose, jonghyun has always embraced his members in this fashion, but it’s different now, a bit guarded, protective, a small show of defiance in the face of an unseen enemy.
jonghyun is fulfilled. as mysteriously as it began jinki’s illness is beginning to recede. the tremors are gone, his pallor is beginning to fade, & jonghyun is elated when jinki can manage to make it from the bedroom to the kitchen on his own. though never fully diffused, & to one less intimate with him perhaps no distinction was noticed, jinki’s smile has returned, the one that causes jonghyun’s heart to skip a beat & his mind to compose songs. there’s a relief there now, a peace, emotions that jonghyun experiences as well & assumes are evident in the smile on his own face as he watches jinki’s health improve, sees him hugged & high-fived by the members, by dancers, by staff. the experience, though so very brief, has altered their relationship & jonghyun finds jinki relying on him more, leaning on him. they cling to each other in nearly imperceptible ways: clutching fingers, hands slid over hips, intimate touches that stay just this side of chaste when surrounded & slipping quickly to the other side when alone.
jonghyun is fearless. as he steps on the stage, alone again, with only his words as companion, he closes his eyes & begins to sing.