Chapter Text
We climbed the shiny gray ladder up to the roof of the nearest building we could find, desperately trying to escape the men who were chasing us. It had started with a stupid idea, when I dragged my friend Steve along to steal some hubcaps off of some random car’s tires.
It didn’t end very well. The car’s owners came out of the shop it was parked in front of the exact moment I popped the last cap off. I screamed at Steve to run and he stumbled over, dropping both of the hubcaps.
“Rusty! Wait up!” He screamed. I looked back at him, dusty, and lying in the gravel. His glasses were tilted, one lens catching the sunlight. I’d always liked the way they looked on him, made him look smarter than me, even when he was facedown in the gravel. His brown eyes met mine. Something in my chest twisted. Not quite fear.
”You okay?” I asked, the moment he looked at me. Too quick. I added, “Shoot, man, you dropped the caps again!”
The two guys who were chasing us were getting close. My heart jumped (with fear, of course.) I reached out for the two dusty hubcaps lying around Steve, who was just now pulling himself off of the floor. The two men were now too close for comfort, and I had to make the choice of whether to grab Steve’s hand and make a run for it, holding four hubcaps, or just chuck the caps towards the guys. Steve shoved me forward, his palm flat against my back, warmth blossoming through my shirt. I threw two of the hubcaps at the guys. One caught him in the knee, the other knocked his head back. His body hit the gravel with a loud thunk, and I yelped for Steve to run, still holding the two hubcaps that were left. We ran down the street and into an alley.
”Fuck, Steve! He’s still fucking chasing us!” I shouted, turning around to look at the guy chasing us, catching a small glimpse of Steve next to me. His glasses had fallen further down his face, now only one of the lenses was on his actual eye, and the other was near his mouth. His lips were parted, and his chest rose and fell fast and heavy. Wide, brown eyes stared straight into mine, looking more nervous than ever. Sandy blonde tufts of hair scattered across his forehead, blowing in the wind and covering his eyebrows. I knew that cowlick, it always stuck up when he ran.
The guy had just turned the corner into the alleyway. I was still holding the caps, and I knew that was what he had wanted. Instead of throwing them, I rolled them down the pavement. I turned to Steve. He was looking around like a lost puppy. I grabbed his hand, and warmth yet again spread up my arm in a wave.
”Steve! Look over there!” I pointed my index finger at a shining metal ladder climbing up a brick wall. Steve groaned, “Damn you, Rusty-James.” We approached the steaming bars, and I began climbing.
Steve was underneath me, begging me to go faster. My already sweaty hands gripped the burning hot metal rungs of the ladder, sending a wave of heat through my body. Not like a warm hug, like your body was melting. Beads of sweat trickled down my face, arms, and legs. My hand reached up to grab the next rung, and it slipped off. My body flew back slightly off the ladder before I launched my hands forward to grab a rung again. This ladder seemed like it went on forever… I had to make it to the roof though.
We reached the roof, I pulled Steve up onto the brick floor, and looked around. There was a building right in front of us, same level as this roof. Easy jumping distance.
”No. Rusty-James, no. We are not jumping off of the fucking roof!” His face looked panicked, the wind had brushed all the hair out of his face and to the side, so I could see his whole expression. His body was folded over, gasping for air. His eyebrows curled downwards, and his eyes remained in the panicked state they had been before.
I ignored his words and pushed my feet off the bricks. My chest landed hard on concrete, knocking the wind right out of me.
”Rusty! Are you okay??” Steve asked, a hint of laughter in his voice. I held up a thumbs up.
”Alright, you come on now.” I said. I still wasn’t quite sure that guy had stopped following.
”I can’t make it.”
“Yeah, you can. Come on.”
Steve just stood there, shaking his head. I told him what would happen if he got caught. I made it sound worse than falling off the roof, and I felt a pang of guilt in my head. Anyways, it was only two floors Up. I’d dropped off a two story roof before and only broken my ankle. I did it on a dare.
”Come on,” I said. “I’ll catch ya.”
Steve looked back towards the ladder, then down at the alley between the buildings, backed up a few feet, and finally jumped. He definitely didn’t know how to jump properly. Somehow, he made it, landing across his stomach at the edge. He was so surprised, that he forgot to grab on and just slipped off. He would have fallen straight to the bottom if I hadn’t grabbed his wrist. This time, my head felt a bang, and the bang turned into throbbing. He hung there, screaming his god-damn head off, till I finally said,
“If you don’t shut up, I’ll drop you.”
I wasn’t threatening him or telling the truth. I would never drop him. I kept trying to haul him onto the roof, but it wasn’t easy. Not like I was in great shape myself, anyways.
”And don’t look at me like a rabbit, neither,” I panted out.
He was trying to get a toehold on the slippery wall. He was visibly working hard to change his expression so that he wouldn’t look like a rabbit that it made me laugh and almost drop him.
Finally, he could pull himself up, clawing my arm and the concrete. I had three long, puffed up lines down my arm, it hurt, but for some reason I didn’t mind. We just sat there trying to catch our breaths. I was still listening for the guy who had chased us. I figured we had lost him.
”Maybe we didn’t need to do that,” I said. “He ain’t comin’ up here.” I didn’t notice till then, but Steve was shaking pretty bad. His hair had fallen back into his eyes again.
”Fuck, man! Why’d y-you make me do that, then!” Steve wiped his eyes.
“Jeez, I’m sorry, man! I-I didn’t mean to hurt you.” My chest twisted again, the same way it did earlier. It hurt real bad, but I didn’t want to say anything to Steve. I don’t really know why.
Steve sighed shakily.
”It’s alright, man. I-I still…” He stumbled over his words and stared at me like I had just hit him.
“What’s up, Steve.” I felt a little funny. Like I was going to throw up. My arm still stung, and I looked down at it. The lines were still there, more puffy and red than they had been before.
“Holy shit! How did that happen!” Steve’s eyes looked hurt. He finally fixed his glasses and pushed his hair out of his eyes yet again. He grabbed my wrist, his rough palms scratching against my skin.
“It was…uh…it was you, when I tried to pull you up onto here.” I felt bad, but it was true.
“My god, Rusty. I’m so sorry! I-I didn’t mean to, I-I was just-“I cut him off.
”Gosh, Steve! Do you ever stop talking?” I laid down on my back, staring up at the blue sky. The sun was just about to start setting in the distance. Steve propped himself up on his hands, placing one right next to mine.
About 15 minutes later, I sat up, looking Steve right in the eyes. He immediately threw his head back and exhaled hard.
“Rusty, I gotta tell you something.” He blushed and I noticed that his hands started shaking again. His pupils got big again, and he pushed his glasses up his nose. “And you can’t laugh at me.”
”What?”
”I mean it, man. You can’t…” He sighed and wiped his hands on his shorts. Steve looked at the floor.
”I think I’m in love with you. Like how a normal guy would be with a girl. Not as a friend.” He stumbled over his words.
I didn’t know what to think. A bitter, copper taste flooded my mouth. Steve liked guys. He was a fag. I liked Steve as a friend. And friend only.
”I know, I’m a freak. I-It’s weird, and I wish I wasn’t… I couldn’t hold it in much longer, Rusty.”
”What? You…No? You don’t like guys. What are you…” I didn’t know what to say. I felt a wave of green, ugly disgust drown me.
“I’m not…I’m not like those kind of people, Steve. We…we aren’t like that. That’s not what this is.”I spat the words out like they were half chewed food. The metallic taste of pennies still remained on my tongue. I scooted away from Steve. He wiped his eyes and sniffed.
”Rusty…Don’t do this.”
I stood up and walked away from him.
”Steve. Don’t-don’t say that shit, man. That’s sick.” I felt the warm, sour taste of vomit creeping up into my mouth. My throat tightened and my stomach clenched. My vision began to glow and blur around the edges. I couldn’t look at Steve.
“I gotta go, man. I-I can’t be around you right now.” I looked around. There was a ladder going down the building. I knew I could have fallen straight down it. I couldn’t see straight. My head was spinning, and my stomach was doing loops.
My best friend since I was young, was in love with me.
Steve Hays was a fag.
I bounced forward on the pavement leading to my apartment that my dad, my brother, and I shared. My legs felt like boulders I was dragging with me. The glowing and blurring in the corner of my eyes had now consumed my whole vision, I could barely see the road in front of me. The night was cold and bitter, but I still was sweating like it was 105 degrees. The gross taste of vomit stuck in my mouth, lathered around my teeth and down my throat. This ugly, disgusting feeling of sick hatred had completely flooded my body. Somewhere deep inside my chest, I knew it wasn’t because of Steve, or the way he felt.
I knew it was because I felt the same way.
I couldn’t admit it, and I could never say it to Steve, let alone anyone. It didn’t matter how I felt, being gay was wrong. I had a girlfriend that I loved.
But my chest still twisted in that horrible, disgusting way, reminding me how sick in the head I was. I could never look at Steve again. My feet dragged along the concrete, sticking to the floor. I dragged myself up the apartment staircase and pulled the key out of my pocket. I shoved it in the keyhole, the metal sticking to my fingers. I dragged my feet over to the bed and laid in it. The thick, sticky sheets wrapped around me, threatening to swallow me whole. My dad laid in a chair across the room, drunk and passed out, covered in vomit. I didn’t even notice the smell till I saw him lying in the corner. I just assumed it was another symptom of this nasty cold, that I would never be able to just cough up. This feeling would follow me like a rain cloud, constantly raining thick, sticky, sour, water onto me.
I laid there, staring at the ceiling. My throat got tight and squeezed, and my eyes filled with tears. It felt like there was some small animal jumping around in my throat. The salty tears rolled down my face. I had never cried before.
I am not about to cry over a boy.
I got up and paced around my room. I approached the empty wall next to my father. I reached out a fist, and my hand crashed into the wall. A loud crack sound echoed from my hand, but the wall had no damage, other than a slight red stain smeared on it. I pulled my hand away, wincing. My knuckles were bloodied and torn, skin peeling off. I wish that the wall was Steve. I hated that fucker for what he said. He just wanted to make me mad. I paced back to my bed. I didn’t bother patching up my knuckles.
I wish I wasn’t as mean to Steve. I should have told him I felt the same way. I miss him already. I missed the twist in my chest. I missed his stupid glasses, and his stupid brown eyes, and his ugly brown hair.
But I didn’t. I didn’t know how I felt. Did I want to punch him, or did I want to tell him I was sorry for saying what I said and that I was deeply in love with him.
Maybe I was just confused. Maybe this was just a dream.
I really wish it was.
The next morning I ran straight to the telephone to call Steve.
Ring….
Ring….
I would for sure show up to their house if he didn’t answer.
Ring….
Ring….
The ringing sound drowned out of my ears and my eyes unfocused.
”Hello? This is Miss Hays.”
”Hi. Can I talk to Steve, please?”
”Oh…no, uhm.” I heard her sniff through the phone and choke back a sob.”We aren’t sure where he is right now.” Oh. Mrs Hays must have hung up first. The dial rang out into the distance. My palm began to sweat around the plastic of the telephone. I could hear my heart beating in my ears and the sound of my heavy, labored breathing. I slowly placed it down onto the receiver.
Fuck. Steve must have ran away. I looked down at my hand and it there was dried blood crusted up around my knuckles. Some had rubbed off on the phone. I swallowed, but the spit wouldn’t slip down my throat like it usually did. It took an effort to get it down. My throat was tight and I lifted my bloodied hand up to grab it. I looked down at the floor, and realized that my other hand was pressed up against my chest, right where I felt the twist. I looked down at my knuckles again. I pressed my thumb into the ripped up skin until it hurt, because that was the only feeling I could understand right now.
The world began to glow and blur around the edges again, the image of the telephone getting fuzzy. I stared at it, like maybe it would ring again if I looked at it long enough. Steve would never call.
Good. I never wanted to see him again anyways. I would eventually forget this sick, metallic feeling. I never wanted to feel like this again. I was glad that Steve was gone. I had other friends.
I’m sorry, Steve. You never deserved this.